We become what we believe ourselves to be

        I've been thinking about a person I knew who was a professional victim.  What I mean by that is that this is a person who, given the attention of anyone at all, would take the opportunity to share how their life, their parents, their current family members, their friends and their community were unkind to them and had done them wrong.  This was such a central part of their identity that at a job interview for a leadership position, they lost the job because they took the interview time as an opportunity to share how badly they'd been victimized by their life.  

    With prompting, this individual finally chose to go to therapy.  But unfortunately, the therapist they chose and loved was someone who supported them in this victim stance.  The therapist would listen and lament about how horrible this person's life was and how awful it was that she'd been treated as she had.  For those of us who knew this professional victim well, we saw a different picture.  We saw a person who manipulated and controlled those around her with this victim stance.  If she whined long and hard enough about something that she believed was "unfair," those around her tended to jump to fix it or give to her what she wanted, even when it was unhealthy and damaging for her or those around her.  Her victim position was one of power, but an unhealthy power.  Those who loved her grew tired of being made out to be her perpetrators, those who loved her also grew tired of her choosing this position of what appeared to be weakness when she had so much potential for true strength and joy.  Unfortunately, it was a rare individual who offered her a different way of being in the world, one that celebrated the gifts in her life and gained strength from surviving what was difficult in her past. The rare people who did offer this different option were usually, then, added to her list of "perpetrators" who did not understand her, could not help her, and did not love her when it fact it was out of love that a different possible view of the world was offered.  She believed herself to be a victim at every turn, and could not begin to see other options for how she might walk through this life.  She was never able to move into a different stance, and I believe fully that her therapist caused more harm than good in this woman's life.     

    Another person I know similarly decided that he was a failure in life, could not function normally, was "broken" and could not heal.  This person, too, found a therapist who would support this self-view.  This therapist even used the phrases, "deeply wounded," and "broken" to describe her client.  The individual with this self opinion had functioned in life: he graduated from an esteemed university with honors, was invited to be part of significant and important conferences, held down good jobs, and was even at one point written up in the local paper as someone who was extremely gifted and capable.  But he chose to entrench in a self-image that said he was incapable. As a result of that self-definition, he chose to no longer be functional.  He decided that his life wounded him too deeply for him to do even the basic behaviors necessary to live in this world. As a result of this self-image, he became the person he decided he was.  He became the incapable, broken person he believed himself to be. And like the professional victim above, he blamed those around him, with the support of his therapist, for his "brokenness." Honestly, it was heart-wrenching to watch.

    When my family was going through our terrible trauma, I went to seek help from a spiritual director.  In contrast to the two therapists mentioned above, this person told me that there are three responses to trauma: we can become victims, we can become survivors, or we can thrive through our traumas to emerge better and more whole.  This spiritual director told me that he saw me as that third kind: the kind who was a thriver, growing stronger and clearer about who I am in the world and how I choose to be because of my traumas, not in spite of them.  He told me that being a thriver did not mean I would always be happy: tears, and genuinely going through the trauma with all the emotions attached of anger, grief, even despair at times, were part of emerging as a thriver.  But making the choice to go on, to continue, to do what needed to be done and to do it as well as I could, to focus on who I chose to be and what I chose to do rather than what had been done to me, but more, to look for the good, to find things each and every day to celebrate and to be grateful for: to seek out help for myself from appropriate people in appropriate ways that would allow me to continue to care for the others around me (like my family and congregation) who were also in pain: that these were the choices of a thriver.  He said this with such conviction, and emphasized repeatedly my strength and my thriver choices to seek out and live in gratitude, that I became who he said I was.  I leaned into being a thriver, someone who has grown from my traumas, rather than being hemmed in or restricted by them, someone who claims my own decisions in life rather than living in a place of blaming others for my situation.  And I continue to be a person who looks for the good, who chooses gratitude for the gifts of each day, and who works hard to grow and be better tomorrow than I am today.  I choose to be a thriver because someone whom I trusted told me that was who I was.  Again, this does not mean I don't have feelings.  To the contrary, I continue to believe we have to go through the traumas, through the feelings, through the hard times to come out the other side in a healthy way.  But I choose to do that, knowing that on the other end I will still be a thriver who can function and who makes the decision to live fully and with gratitude and joy.

        While this may sound like an anti-therapist rant, it is not.  There are very good therapists out there, and I believe most of us can benefit from a good therapeutic relationship at one point or another or even throughout our lives.  This is also not an "avoid going into your past or the things that have hurt you" proclamation.  There is great power in looking at our pasts to see what has shaped us and what struggles we still need to work through in order to emerge as thrivers.  

    What I am trying to say is two things: 

    First, do not let your past determine who you are.  Work it through so that you can move forward into being who you are called to be. Deal with those early hurts and then let go of the stuck blame game which will not help you to be the person you are meant to be.  It will also not help you to have positive and loving relationships if you are continually blaming those around you.  You are adults.  You make the choices you need to make for your lives.  Step into those choices and take responsibility for your lives from this moment forward.

    Secondly and more importantly: we need to be careful and intentional about who we decide we are, and how we let others tell us who we are.  Who we believe ourselves to be greatly impacts who we become.  Our self-image, then, can be either a gift or a curse, depending on what you tell yourself and what you allow others to tell you about who you are.  

    Let me be the first, then, to tell each of you my readers: You are loved. You are beautiful. You are STRONG to have made it this far and to live each and every day in a challenging and difficult world.  You have been gifted with every breath you take, with bodies that, even if they have some challenges, still carry you through each day, with friends and family who love you, with the seasons as they come and go, with the birds that sing and the gardens around us, with music and dance and books and art.  All of this has been given to YOU because you are worthy to receive it all.  You are kind, you are smart.  You are loving and generous. You are capable.  Most of all, you get to have a hand in deciding who you will be as you step forward into the rest of your lives.  Take that opportunity.  THRIVE!

A Deep Dive

           It was suggested to me recently that perhaps I am not self-reflective enough.  Perhaps that is true.  After all, as I say repeatedly, we tend to project out onto others that which is our own issue and then condemn it.  And I can honestly say the thing that bothers me the most in other people is the hypocrisy of those who condemn something in another that is a huge problem in themselves (failing to take the log out of their own eyes as they attack the speck in someone else's).  So, if I am listening to myself here, it would make sense that that which bothers me in others is the thing that I am struggling with most in myself.  So the fact that I condemn an inability to be self-reflective in others may indeed be a sign to myself that this is something I am deeply needing to work on.

    Additionally, I remember very clearly a situation several years ago (one I wrote about here) in which I was on a retreat where we were all asked to put together a "life plan" that looked at what in five areas in our lives we needed to work on (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, vocational).  Once I had done my piece of this, I told my group that I saw no connection between the five areas for me and the group was able to show me in what ways they all intersected.  I had not seen it.  I had even been using the same phrase to describe each area of needed growth but somehow had failed to hear myself repeating that phrase and had not seen the connections.

    All that being said, I spend a great deal of time in self-reflection.  I do this because I don't want my own "stuff" being dumped on my parishioners or my children.  I don't want to be a person who is unaware or blind to my own issues.  I am more than okay naming, recognizing, and working on those areas in myself where I fall short.  I want to be the most whole I can be and I don't know another way to get there except by being willing to look at, name, confront and work to change my own shortcomings.  From a faith perspective, I deeply want to be the person I believe God is calling me to be and I don't know how to be that person without doing the work.  I also am deeply aware that there are areas within each of us that are frankly very hard to see.  We need the reflection, the mirroring of others to be able to see those areas.  Sometimes the logs in our own eyes truly blind us even to seeing the logs themselves.  We cannot get there on our own.  For that reason I have worked with counselors and spiritual directors over the years, too, as well as meditating, journaling and doing the work on my own.  When people accuse me of being too "intense" I often think what they mean is that I spend too much of my time trying to look, see, do the work, and go deep.  

    Still, the truth remains that each person in our lives will see us differently.  Each person will see things that maybe we can't because each person comes from a slightly different perspective, with different experiences of their own.  It is also true that each person brings their own issues that also will necessarily skew how they see every other person.  That means that the judgments and "insights" of others into anyone else will always be flawed and inaccurate as well.  So for today I am simply sitting with the accusation that I am not self-reflective enough.  I will ask for more understanding of what that person believes they are seeing that they believe I am missing.  And I will take it to God in prayer and meditation to listen for what is truly mine, and what is truly theirs (again, we project our own stuff out, so at least a part of this belongs to that person).  It is part of the journey and commitment to growth to do so, and I will take it for the gift that it is.

June 6th sermon: Being Made in God's Image

 

Jeremiah 18:1-11

Genesis 1:26-31

Luke 14:25-33Top of Form

We have three scriptures today that look at who we are in relationship to God.  The Jeremiah passage appears condemning – saying that God will tear down and destroy the evil nation.  And then we have the passage from Luke which seems to say that we cannot be accepted as disciples unless we give up all we have, including our families.  And finally we end with the passage from Genesis that reminds us that we are made in God’s image and made good.

So how do we reconcile these three passages together?  How do we understand who we are to this God who loved and created us good, in God’s own image, who knows us inside and out - with passages that appear to condemn who we are, our limits and our failings, as completely unacceptable?

Our self-esteem in the Western World is very fragile.  And I think there are a lot of reasons for this.  For one thing, we are slow to forgive.  We like revenge.  We like vengeance.  We are not just slow to forgive others, we are slow to forgive ourselves.  Despite the Lord’s Prayer that we say every single week, and for some of us a whole lot more often than that, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us”, none the less, we don’t actually do this….with others or with ourselves. And this changes everything about how we see the world.

I want to give you an example.  There is a story of an old sheep farmer whose neighbor’s dogs were always killing his sheep.  It became so horrible that he knew he had to do something about it.  What are the options that come to mind when you think about how he should have dealt with this?  Chances are that if you grew up here your first thought would be to call the police, to ask for their intervention.  Maybe the second thought would be to sue the neighbor for the loss of the sheep.  We go to these revenge, punishment, payment scenarios here because that is what our culture has taught us to do.  We go there so quickly that we have a very hard time thinking outside of these particular boxes.  But these are not the only solutions.  Can you think of something else?  Perhaps your second thought is he could build a stronger and higher fence so that his neighbor’s dogs could not get in.  And that’s a solution, for sure.  But still there are others.  In this particular instance, the farmer took a third option.  He chose to give two lambs to his neighbor’s children.  In due time the lambs grew into sheep and had other sheep and then the neighbor and his children got to see the sheep not as just something their neighbor had, but as something they valued as well.  They soon penned their dogs.

I also, though, think there is a second reason why we struggle here with self-esteem.  Passages like today’s passage from Jeremiah and today’s passage from Luke are part of a larger group of writing that simply makes us feel that there is nothing we can do that is “enough”.  Looking specifically at the Luke passage, from Feasting on the Word, “Three times in this passage, Jesus says that without definite decision, a person cannot be his disciple. First, he requires a person to hate parents, spouse, children, siblings, and even one's own life. Second, he commands carrying the cross and following him. Third, he demands the giving up of all possessions. Even if we soften his word "hate," Jesus still leaves us with his requirement that we make family ties and normal self-preservation subordinate to following him. The pastoral work of the Christian community involves a clear and frank acknowledgment of the great challenge, the fearsome requirements of becoming and doing what Jesus expects of us.”  Jesus also declares that we shouldn’t even begin becoming his disciples unless we are prepared to go all the way.  Discipleship costs. In fact, it will cost us everything .  So much for family values.  And so much for loving others as yourself.  It feels when we read passages like this that there is nothing we can do to be accepted and acceptable.  How many of us are able to “hate mother and father”?  For those of us who take passages such as this seriously, these words hit, hard.  Are we ever going to be enough for God?  Will we ever be accepted or acceptable? 

And then we read passages like the one from Jeremiah.  And it would seem that maybe the pain we undergo is a punishment because we aren’t enough, because we haven’t given up enough, because we still love our families.  So we ask, are the things that are happening punishments for what we have done?  When we are going through difficult times is it because we have done evil?  And what makes it even harder is when we don’t know what it is that could have led to such pain and punishment.  When we search and search our souls but cannot find what it is that we have done that would deserve the hardships we endure.  “What did I do to deserve this?” we ask.  “Why me?”  And it is not just we who do this.  We want life to be fair, so we can impose on others reasons for their suffering as well.  For example, when my family was going through our terrible time, I had a person inform me that the reason we were struggling so much must be because I did something horrible in a past life.  The person is familiar with the life I had lived up to that point, couldn’t find a reason why all of this would have happened to me based on anything I’ve done in this life, and so has made it “fair” in her mind by declaring that I did wrong in my last life.  I get it.  And passages like the one from Jeremiah make it all the harder to accept that sometimes things just happen because life is not fair.

Brian Konkol, Chaplain of Gustavus Adolphus College confronts these ideas.  He said it this way, “One of the intellectual foundations of Western thought is "Cogito ergo sum," or "I think therefore I am." This statement from René Descartes has greatly influenced modern life, especially in the west.  It assumes that human existence can be self-reliant, and gives birth to various terms in the English-language with "self" as a prefix. For example, we often hear of self-confidence, self-conscious, self-expression, self-criticism, self-deception, self-defeating, self-denial, self-discipline, self-esteem, self-expression, self-importance, self-improvement, self-interest, self-respect, self-restraint, self-sacrifice—and the list goes on! Amazingly, the equivalent of these "self" words cannot be found in many non-Western languages, which reveals a great deal about our continued fascination with (and celebration of) the so-called "self-made woman" and/or "self-made man."  In wonderful contrast to "I think therefore I am," the African philosophy of "ubuntu" states, "I am because we are."  Among other things, ubuntu recognizes that individual autonomy is impossible; a person is only a person through being in relationship with other persons.  In other words, all people are products of their environment, and thus all people have to rely upon others each and every day. While ubuntu recognizes personal initiative, drive, and the ability to shape our surroundings, it also acknowledges that relationships shape existence, and thus connectedness is essential to a full understanding of life.  

The “clay” that Jeremiah describes in today’s passage, the clay that is remolded and remodeled in this is communal.  It is not individuals who are being molded, remolded, plucked down and built up, but God’s will for God’s people in community.  God’s will is being remolded for a community as the community responds or fails to respond to God’s call.  God is the same, but God’s actions and plans change, or as today’s scripture said, “If that nation turns from its evil, I will change my mind.”  God interacts with us according to how we interact with God.  Additionally, the image we are given today from Jeremiah is of a potter who took the clay and did not throw it out when it became marred, but rather shaped and created it into something new and beautiful, something God thought it was best to be.  God does not throw out the community, but recreates it, using the clay that already exists – the people who already exist – and making God’s will for it into something better.  I’m reminded of the Japanese Kintsugi: pottery that is broken is reworked with gold into beautiful new objects.  The belief behind it is that things that have been broken have the potential to be much more beautiful and that this can be shown through this amazing art work. 

Still, this may still sound harsh.  But the God of punishment isn’t the God I experience, which isn’t to say that there aren’t consequences for our actions.  I do think life hold us accountable.  There are consequences for our actions, and sometimes those are devastating and hurtful.  We make mistakes with people and those mistakes can deeply affect our relationships, no matter how much we apologize or strive to make amends, for example.  We live in a world that sometimes we cannot fix the mistakes we make.  But it is also true that many of the bad things that come to us as individuals are undoubtedly the results of the world we live in, the communal world, the world of our communities and our nations and our earth.  Bad things happen all the time, not always because of the things we have done, though we can remain affected. 

Where is God in this?  Well, that’s the other part of this.  I do think that God calls us, every time, to learn from the painful experiences, to grow closer to God and closer to what God calls us to be, what God intends for us to be, through our experiences, all of them.   I can’t put that in a context of punishment, because for me God’s call to make us better, God’s desire for us to grow, is out of love and out of grace.

 Malachi 3 reminds us:  “ But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner’s fire or a launderer’s soap. ³ He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.”  Because God loves us, God will call us to change, God will remold us, God will refine us.  Not comfortable.  But if we can see our trials as opportunities for growth, they can be gifts and blessings.

Looking once again at the Luke passage, we need to remember that discipleship is a process.  We are all “becoming” disciples, which means that there will be times when we put the needs or demands of other people or ourselves above God.  Eventually, we hope not to do this because, as we will discover, when we put God first, the needs of those around us get met.  But this really is a process of becoming a disciple.  It takes time, it takes commitment to love both God and God’s people.  But also, as Bonhoeffer says, "The call to discipleship is a gift of grace and that call is inseparable from grace."  Therefore, even as we struggle to be disciples, it is God who gives us the ability to do that, to grow in discipleship and faith.

So, returning to the self-esteem question, are we enough?  Are you enough?  Well, we are enough that God created us in God’s own image.  God loved us into being.   There is a wonderful praise song called “fingerprints of God”.  Here are the words:

I can see the tears filling your eyes, And I know where they're coming from.

They're coming from a heart that's broken in two, By what you don't see

The person in the mirror, Doesn't look like the magazine

Oh but when I look at you it's clear to me that:

I can see the fingerprints of God When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds

And you're covered with the fingerprints of God.

 

Never has there been and never again Will there be another you

Fashioned by God's hand And perfectly planned

To be just who you are And what he's been creating

Since the first beat of your heart Is a living breathing priceless work of art and

Just look at you. You're a wonder in the making

Oh and God's not through no, In fact he's just getting started and

I can see the fingerprints of God When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds

And you're covered with the fingerprints of God.

Who are we to judge ourselves as unforgiveable?  Who are we to judge ourselves as not good enough?  Who are we to fail to love ourselves as our neighbors when God loves us more than anything?  So hear the Good News.  You are loved.  By none other than GOD!  That makes you valuable, and worthy and wonderful.  God loves YOU.  God has created you in the Divine image.  You are covered with the fingerprints of God.  And that is an amazing and wondrous blessing indeed.

It's Not About You

         I've written before that I agree with Scott Peck that most of the evil in the world starts with a refusal to look at parts of ourselves that we can't accept.  It moves from there into a projection out onto others and becomes evil then when those it is projected onto are attacked.  It is especially so when the originator of the failure to self-reflect tries to destroy their own shadow in the "other".  I've also said before that when people are upset about something, it usually says much more about them than it does about the person they are complaining about.  For example, the person I know who says "everything is about power" really means that everything for HER comes down to an issue of power.  The person who says that other people don't listen is one who struggles to hear other people correctly, fully, and honestly.  It's not that either of them are incorrect - there are many people who struggle with power issues.  The ability to really listen to one another is rare, especially now, especially here.  But the fact that the woman who was accusing others of being power-hungry is herself so focused on claiming and using power, and the fact that the woman who complains about others failure to listen in particular mishears and fails to hear, is clear to everyone except these individuals.  I could go on and give other examples: the woman who was obsessed with others' manners and so corrected a colleague publicly and loudly, shouting that she should "say please"; the woman who was deeply concerned about the integrity and honesty of others who lied on a regular basis.  These are some examples of how a failure to self-reflect and really work on our own stuff often plays out.

    The point of all of this is, as I have said before, that what people express, share, and struggle with "out there" says so much more about themselves than it ever does about anyone else.

    But this week I found myself thinking about this at another level.  As you know, I write sermons.  Weekly I write them.  I almost always base my sermons on lectionary - so the passages that come up, that are presented to me, that I preach on, are rarely ones that I have chosen myself.  When I do go off lectionary, it is because I have chosen to do a sermon series on something specific.  The large majority of the time, pastors all over the world are preaching on these passages at the same time that I do.  Additionally, there have only been a couple times, early on in my 24 years in ministry, that I have ever found myself picturing an individual in my congregation when I've written or preached a sermon.  And both those times the person did not actually show up when I preached the sermon.  I learned from that.  I felt God had stepped in both times and basically said, "No.  That's not your job.  Preach what the passage calls from you to preach, but do not preach AT individuals.  You never know the fullness of someone's story.  And it is not your job to try to correct individuals in this way.  You also risk alienating or hurting someone.  That, too, is not your job."  So, whenever I have been tempted to do that, to preach AT an individual, I will admit to you that I now will dig up an old sermon and use that specifically to avoid the temptation.  Our lectionary is on a three year schedule.  So topics come up every three years.  After 24 years, then, I have several sermons on each topic, and it is not hard to find an old sermon on any topic. This is not to say there aren't times when I've preached something I thought the community needed to hear.  There are times when I have felt that as a community we need to be looking at specific problems or issues.  But again, my sermons are never aimed at specific individuals, with one major exception.  This is my last and most important point.  I often write my sermons AT MYSELF.  I pray, I sit with the topic, and I write what I need to work on, what I need to correct in myself.  Frankly, I am deeply grateful for my job because it forces me weekly to do inner work, to self-reflect, to look honestly at the areas in which I need to grow.  I'm never going to be perfect, I'm never going to get there, but I want to keep growing, to keep seeing the areas that need my attention, to keep being committed to learning and being better.  If you want to know my faults better, listen to my sermons; they are not about YOU, but often about the areas of my own growth that I need to be addressing.  I hope that these areas resonate with you and help you as well, but they are not about you.

    I write all this because, on a regular basis, I have people ask me if (or tell me that) I have written the sermon AT that individual, I am correcting them, or (occasionally) someone else.  And every time they do that I have found myself surprised, stunned, and bewildered.  "Why on earth did they think that?"  I have wondered.  "Why did they think this was aimed at them, individually, personally, specifically?"  But this week all of these reflections conjoined and I realized that once again, this concern that I was writing about them was not about me.  It was, once again, a window into the other person.  Why did they think I was writing about them?  Why did they think I was preaching at them?  The fact that they thought this says much about them.  Sometimes when there has been fear that I was preaching at someone, it has been accompanied by denial, "I know you were preaching this at me, but I didn't do it..." kind of a response.  Other times it's just been a question - "was that aimed at me?"  And two times of which I am aware, someone has become so angry that they thought I was preaching at them that they have stepped away all together.  All three responses have always been a surprise to me.  But today I have more insight around it.  It still saddens me when people become upset and think that I am preaching at them.  It is especially sad when they think that "everyone knows you were preaching at me!" and so they distance themselves.  It would be better if they asked and could see for themselves the look of surprise on my face when they do.  But I finally got it today.   Just as the sermons I write are not about YOU, your concern that they are about you is not about ME.  

    Whew.  What a relief that is!  I am not responsible for how you take what I say.  I am not responsible for your actions, or how you respond to me.  I am not responsible for your decisions, for who you choose to be in relationship to me, or how you react to what I say or do.  That is all, all of it, every single piece of it, about YOU.  None of it is about me.  And by the same token, my writings, my sermons, my choices that are never going to be perfect, never going to be all that someone else could want, never going to be absolutely right every time, those are always about me - none of those are about YOU.  And in that, my friends, in that, there is both freedom and relief, and hope, and grace.  We are both freed, then, to work on our own stuff; to work on ourselves and offer grace and love to the other; to correct ourselves, and offer forgiveness and compassion to the other.  

    I am grateful today for this insight.  And while I may not always be able to apply it, for today it is a gift.

Cycling through Forgiveness as we Cycle through Grief

        I don't believe forgiveness is a linear thing, anymore than grief is.  And today I was struck by the fact that it is, undoubtedly, because the two are so closely related.  

    Anger, we are told, is a secondary emotion, and it usually is a cover for sadness, or grief (or fear).  Forgiveness is a way to let go, to release that anger from our bodies, from our minds, from our beings.  Grief is not linear, so forgiveness won't be either.  As we cycle through the pain of loss, and especially the anger of loss (one of the stages of grief), we will probably need to forgive again.  Also, just as new losses can push us into reliving old losses and can bring up that old grief all over again, new things that anger us can cause us to remember at a cellular, emotionally based level old injuries and present us with new opportunities to work towards forgiveness again, hopefully at a deeper level, for what has happened in the past.

    This came up for me this morning as a scripture I read threw me back into an injury from almost two years ago, and the realization that while I had forgiven it at the time, I would now need to work to forgive it again.  That while I had grieved the loss and the pain of that injury at that time, that it hurt again, that it cut again, and that I would need to grieve it, going through the denial, negotiation, anger, and depression again to come to a place of acceptance and then forgiveness once more.  Ugh.  

    Grieving is hard work.  Forgiveness is, perhaps, even harder work.  It requires us to remember the humanity of the other, and to have compassion for their challenges and their histories that have impacted who they are today.  It means letting go of the anger by walking through it to the other side.  It means experiencing the pain of loss once more.  And then, deep forgiveness requires self-reflection as well, and asks of us a commitment to look with intention and integrity at our own part in a situation.  If a person cannot be self-reflective, forgiveness is unattainable.  The more self-reflective a person can be, the more quickly a person will be able to pass through to forgiveness.  But it seems that self-reflection is not really something we value too much in our current culture.  It is a difficult calling to look at our own failings, to own them, to admit (or confess) them and to attempt to make amends for them.  I deeply believe it is the only way we can truly heal, but it is a challenge many simply cannot face.

    I am reminded of Dumbledore's conversation with Harry in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow's about Voldemort.   He said that even this evil man could heal all the horrible, awful things he had done.  There was hope for him, but it was only to be found in a decision on his part to look, to see what he had done and to feel remorse.  Dumbledore also admitted that the pain of that remorse would be worse than he could imagine.  And, unfortunately,  it was a pain Voldemort was simply unwilling to experience.  

    Even with small things, people can be scared or afraid to self-reflect.  And that fear of the pain of self-reflection keeps us from forgiveness.  One might ask then if we are able to do that work and are able to forgive, why do we then have to forgive again?

     Just as each time that grief resurfaces we have an opportunity to dive a little deeper into healing that grief, each time anger rises at another person, we have the call to dig deeper into compassion, self-reflection, and ultimately forgiveness.  

      Again, none of this is easy.  As I sat with my own grief, pain and anger this morning I realized how much easier it would be for me to just remain hurt and angry and not do the work of self-reflection or the work of remembering that the others have histories and pain, too, that I need to approach with compassion and grace.  It would be simpler to stay mad.  To be holier than thou.  To allow the anger and judgement to build safe but isolating walls between myself and those who hurt me.  It would be so much less work.  It would also be "safer".  I would then no longer have to be vulnerable to their actions, to their ability to injure me.  I could walk away and self-righteously declare that I did not need that kind of "friendship," and that this loss of relationship was THEIR loss for not treating me right in the first place.  I could do that.  But I would be lying to myself if I did.  And I would miss an opportunity for deeper healing for myself.  

    So today I once again choose the harder path.  I will take the time I need to journal and reflect, to grieve again, and to own my part in the problem.  I will do what must be done to heal at the next level, and more, to forgive again.  Their intentions and their choices ultimately are immaterial in this.  The forgiveness must be given for the sake of my own soul, my own peace of mind, and my own walk towards wholeness.  I would wish for all of you to find that peace as well.  Blessings on your day.

Failure to see our own wrongs.

          I have said this before in a variety of ways, but I feel it must be said again, and this time perhaps more directly. 
           Whatever it is that bothers you most in other people is almost always a serious flaw within yourself.
          As our scriptures say it,  (Matthew 7:1-5): "Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged. You’ll receive the same judgment you give. Whatever you deal out will be dealt out to you.  Why do you see the splinter that’s in your brother’s or sister’s eye, but don’t notice the log in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother or sister, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ when there’s a log in your eye?  You deceive yourself! First take the log out of your eye, and then you’ll see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s or sister’s eye." 
          Scott Peck, in his book, People of the Lie, describes the truth of my statement above as the root of evil behavior.  He says that people project out onto others the parts of themselves that they cannot face, cannot see, cannot accept and then they actively work to destroy it in the other: that this is what leads to evil.
          It's so easy to see the truth of this in others, and to know that as a result, our choice to self-reflect is absolutely critical for the well-being of the world.  Yet, most people still do not do this.  And even those who understand the depth of this at a core level will find it so much easier to see in other people than in ourselves.  But perhaps we need to start there, with our observation of others, to enable us to apply it in our own lives.
        I think about the first time I really understood the seriousness or the truth of this.  As a child I knew someone who was constantly putting down another woman whom she felt chose to be a victim and more, chose to use that victimization to manipulate and control the people around her into doing what she wanted them to do.  The person complaining absolutely hated this other woman, and actively worked to discredit her with other people, constantly pointing out her victimization stance and the way she controlled her world with it.  But even as I child I could see with absolute clarity that the woman complaining was actually a master at the very same behavior she was criticizing in this other woman. 
        I see this constantly: the person who says everything comes down to a power play is the one for whom power plays are paramount.  The person who says people don't listen who, himself, does not listen.  The person who becomes enraged at someone else's bullying who is themself a bully.  The person who says gossip is an issue who uses that same gossip as their primary weapon.  We see this at a national level, too - the ones condemning LGBTQ folk who are so often LGBTQ folk themselves who cannot face it until they are caught in a same-gender liaison; the person who condemns others as liars who cannot himself say one word of truth; those who brag about their humility when they are narcissists in every sense of the word; the one shouting about not being valued or treated as a full human being who cannot see the ways in which she oppresses everyone who does not look like herself.  I could go on and on.
        On an almost daily basis I hear or see someone being critical of others for doing exactly what they embody as a human being.  And, like Scott Peck, I have come to believe that this behavior is itself causing an amazing amount of the damage in our world.  The call to self-reflect, to face our own flaws, to admit them: these are actions that lead to healing, not only for ourselves but for the world.  And yet, these are the hardest things to do.   
        My own worship committee has debated about the importance of the prayer of confession in our worship services.  They have felt that it does not raise us up, but slams down those who already have low self-esteem.  I understand this thinking.  But the truth is that we don't get to healing, we don't move to a place of being able to accept grace, accept a new beginning, start again; without naming those things that have hurt us the most.  And the thing that has hurt us the most, nine out of ten times, I am convinced, is our own refusal to face ourselves: our shadows, the parts of our own beings that we don't want to see.  If we can seriously take self-inventory (as our 12-step brothers and sisters do), then we can change, we can grow, and we can heal.  By facing ourselves, we begin to heal ourselves, which in turn begins the healing of our society.
        As a country we are being called to look at a flaw that many of us don't want to see, and that is our racism.  We don't want to be part of this problem, we don't want to see it, and so we deny it.  But it is real.  It is part of our culture, it is deep in our history, it is in the very fabric of our being.  You might say it is in our blood.  And we can see that those who deny it are the very ones who are acting it out most in this moment with violence, with aggression, with terror on our brothers and sisters of color.  I understand that it is hard to look at, but it is necessary to look, to name it, to be willing to take a deep and hard look at the messages that are part of our being, at the ways in which we live those out and act those out, at the ways in which we are damaging ourselves by allowing harm to happen to our brothers and sisters of color.  We are called in this moment to self-reflection of a very painful, but deep, important and true kind.
        How?
        Start with education: There are wonderful books out there to read on the subject.  Some of the ones I've read include Biased by Jennifer L. Eberhardt, Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson, White Fragility by Robin J. DiAngelo, to name a few.  Join a book group that is reading these books so you have a place to discuss, to learn together, to face racism and our part in it, together.
        Move to action.  There are many groups that are taking action on this and if you would like to be hooked up with one, let me know.
        Most importantly, be willing to look at yourself.  I know it's hard.  I know this.  I comforted a very unhappy young woman yesterday who was lamenting her whiteness and feeling like she shouldn't exist in this world because of it.  But there is so much good we can do, as those with privilege, to support, empower, and challenge the system of oppression that denies power to our brothers and sisters.  I understand that self-reflection can lead at moments to despair, but without that intense inner look, there is no hope for movement out of destruction and into being helpers.  We are all on this journey.  All of us.  We need to take the steps together. 
        I started this post by pointing out that self-reflection is hard.  It is so easy to see the flaws of others and so hard to look at ourselves.  I include myself in this critique and I'm working with others to look at my own contribution to harm in this world.  I am grateful for the friends and community that allow me to do that work.  I encourage you to find the same.  We have to begin somewhere.  Being with those who love you enough to tell you the truth is the best place to start.  Thanks be to God for our communities of truth-telling. 

God's Forgiveness

Mark 4:1-34

As you listened to the gospel lesson for today, what is the hardest part of all of this for you to understand? 

“He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables so that, ‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’”

               This is very confusing.  How does this passage fit in with the God whom we see throughout scripture who is all about forgiveness and reconciliation?  The one who speaks even from the cross to say, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do?” 

               Additionally, as we read in the rest of the gospels, and even here in this particular chapter of Mark, even as he is saying that the disciples have been given the secret, it is actually clear that the disciples don’t understand at all.  They need him to explain everything, but even then, they keep missing the point.  So, if the disciples don’t get it, how are those on the “outside” who never perceive supposed to understand?  And why does it sound for everything here like Jesus doesn’t want them to therefore turn and be forgiven?

               I think this is, once more, a case of how we hear these words, rather than how they were intended.  I’d like to read to you the Message translation of this part of the scripture for today. 

“When they were off by themselves, those who were close to him, along with the Twelve, asked about the stories. He told them, “You’ve been given insight into God’s kingdom—you know how it works. But to those who can’t see it yet, everything comes in stories, creating readiness, nudging them toward receptive insight. These are people—

Whose eyes are open but don’t see a thing,

Whose ears are open but don’t understand a word,

Who avoid making an about-face and getting forgiven.”

Does that help?  I think it does, but there is still an implication here that somehow we have to do something in order to be forgiven.  And what I want to suggest is that this isn’t because God withholds God’s forgiveness, but because accepting that forgiveness into our hearts, that requires something more. 

               For those of you who have read my blog, you know that I write often about forgiveness.  I think it is one of the most important things we are called to do, and I think that at times, it is one of the hardest things we are called to do, especially when the person we are struggling to forgive is still hurting us.  But I’ve been looking more closely, lately, at instances when forgiveness is withheld.  I remember a colleague of mine who was run out of her church by, well, really by two members of the congregation who basically believed that her sermons were targeted at them.  They weren’t.  I’ve read the sermons and they were not focused on these two individuals at all, but instead were self- condemning, self-revealing, apologetic: open, caring, and loving.  But what is interesting is that while my colleague forgave these women who ran her out long ago, the two women continue to be incredibly angry and unforgiving about something that never actually happened.  When we had a Presbytery meeting at their church I ended up in a conversation with both of them and the bitterness they still harbor, decades later, towards my pastor friend is astonishing.  The fact that they would bring up this story, and would try to describe to me what happened in increasingly hyperbolic terms… I left the conversation feeling deep pity and sadness for these two who simply were unable to let go – and of what?  Of something that never happened.

Another friend of mine who is a teacher of children with special needs shared with me that one of the children in her class was always acting out, hitting, smashing things, damaging those around him.  When my friend tried to discuss it with the parents, the parents became irate at the teacher.  They sought revenge and began a smear campaign of hate and anger towards this teacher.  A year later when the child had a different teacher, evidence was found and later it was confirmed that the parents had been abusing the child: that the anger the child was expressing in my friends’ classroom came from being taught that hitting was the way one dealt with one’s rage.  It was not my friend who discovered the abuse, and it was not my friend, therefore, who ended up calling CPS about the child (since she was unaware at the time that this was going on).  But the parents have never forgiven my friend.  And again, for what?  For being there, for advocating for and being kind to their child, for attempting to bring change to a difficult situation, when the parents were unable to do so themselves.

I look at these situations, the ones I’ve named, and I wonder what they have in common.  And what I see, again and again, is that when we fail to forgive, it is often because we are blocked in our ability to have compassion for the other by a dis-ease, a discomfort, often a sense of guilt in the situation which we are not comfortable looking at, admitting to ourselves, or working through.  Sometimes that guilty feeling is because we have done something wrong.  Sometimes we feel that guilt and there really is no fault on our part.  But either way, if we are unable or unwilling to really look at our own feelings and our own part in a situation, it often comes out as rage at another, as inability to forgive the other.

That realization has called me to look at myself in those times that I am struggling to forgive another and to really ask the deeper questions.  Why can’t I forgive in this situation?  What about my own behavior or myself is so hard to look at, that I have to retain my anger at this other person in order to avoid looking at, and dealing with myself?  As I’ve mentioned before, this is a great deal of what 12-step programs are based on: looking in, working through our mistakes, in order to heal.

               We can only begin to forgive others when we have forgiveness for ourselves.  And so, when we fail to forgive ourselves, that pain often comes out in anger at others.  But it is more than this.  When we cannot forgive ourselves and then cannot forgive ourselves, we do not have the door open to accept God’s forgiveness.  Again, God’s forgiveness is always there.  But our own anger, our own rage and judgment and condemnation – all of that is a block to hearing, seeing, experiencing and accepting the forgiveness that God offers.

Our lack of forgiveness of others is, in a sense, a parable.  It is a story that calls us to look deep into our own behaviors and our own psyches for the things we have done with which we are uneasy.  We “see but don’t perceive” when we project our guilt outward onto others and fail to forgive them.  We “hear but never understand” when we fail to name our part in a situation and therefore fail to ASK for forgiveness but instead insist on the shame, humiliation, and damnation of others. 

I want to say again, forgiveness is not easy.  Choosing to be self-reflective is not easy.  I also think that our culture does not encourage it.  The justice system that we use in our country is actually an elaborate revenge system.  Why do we do this?  Again, a failure to want to look at ourselves.  But also perhaps in part because it is profitable for us to do things this way.  We are a country heavy with suits: we sue everyone over everything.  Suing is not forgiveness, but the numerous suits do keep our attorneys, our judges, our court workers in the money.  Our criminal system, too, uses a retributive “justice” model, not a restorative justice model.  I remember being at a convention that was centered around justice and we had several lawyer speakers.  To a tee all of them said that “justice” was a theological concept and had nothing to do with our legal system.  That our system is strictly a mercenary system, not a just one.  The people with the most money win, again and again and again.  But a mercenary system of revenge-punishment is one of avoiding self-reflection, avoiding compassion, failing to bring healing for victims as well as for perpetrators.  It leaves no room for healing, for forgiveness, for reconciliation, of any involved.  We are quick to judge, slow to really understand and have compassion, slow to forgive.  In contrast we are told that God is slow to judge, but quick to find compassion and grace.  The model we use is not one that follows God or Christ’s teachings.

A restorative justice model, in contrast, is much more in line with what our faith teaches and it is one that brings healing for everyone.  One of the classes I took for my doctorate focused on restorative justice.  In New Zealand, the Maori tribe traditionally used a restorative justice model and we watched a video about one episode in which restorative justice was used.  A boy had stolen a camera from an older couple.  The practice of restorative justice meant that everyone affected by this episode was to gather in a circle.  A talking stick was passed, which meant that each person was invited to speak and share how the episode affected them, and no one else could respond or talk during that time.  Only the person holding the stick could respond.  The boy who stole the camera began, and at first, he was just sullen and said he did it because his friends were all encouraging him to do it: so at first, he was not taking responsibility for the incident.  The stick passed to the couple who’d had their camera stolen.  They shared that it was not just the camera that they’d lost but all the pictures from their 50^th wedding anniversary, memories that they could never retrieve, mementos that meant a great deal to them.  The boy’s grandfather went next and he said he felt humiliated and stunned by what his grandson had done.  At his words, the boy began to cry.  He finally began to understand what he had done and the damage he had caused.  He admitted then that they’d sold the camera to have pocket change and he claimed his own responsibility, apologizing not only with words, but with tears.  The group together decided that since he could not return the camera and was unable to replace at that point in time, the best “consequence” of his actions would be that the boy went to work for the couple until the debt of the camera was paid off.  All those involved in the incident were interviewed a year later.  There were several things that stood out for me.  The couple stated that in the process of having the young man work for them, while they were sad that they had lost their photos, at the same time they felt they had gained a grandson in this boy: that he had become a part of their family.  The boy himself, in coming to know this couple, had a much deeper appreciation for the damage he had caused.  The recidivism rate in the United States, according to a 2018 study is 83%.  The recidivism rate when restorative justice programs are used drops to about 25%.  Additionally, when a retributive justice system is used, the victims of whatever has happened often report that they feel revictimized by the court system.  In contrast, the victims when restorative justice is used tend to report that they leave feeling heard and that real healing has begun. 

I have a very close friend who lives in New Mexico who runs a sheep and goat sanctuary.  He called me this week and told me that a few weeks ago a dog had broken into the sanctuary, killing one sheep and injuring two others.  The owner of the dog paid for the sheep that was killed and also paid for the vet appointments for the two who were damaged.  But she was also brought up on criminal charges and it appeared that the punishment was going to be imprisonment, a fine, and the destroying of her dog.  My friend said that because of my constant barrage of comments to him about restorative vs retributive justice he asked to speak in court.  He said to the judge, “It will not help me heal the loss of my sheep for her to suffer or for her dog to die.  It will not change things in the future because she has gone to prison in response to her dog breaking lose and doing this damage.  I am asking you to drop the criminal charges.  She has paid enough.”  The judge agreed.  As a result, the woman now has started volunteering at his animal sanctuary and they have begun a friendship.

That is what the kingdom of God looks like.  That is what forgiveness looks like.  And that is the way that God treats US.  God does not seek to punish, God seeks to understand.  God does not seek revenge, God seeks healing.  God does not work from a place of ignorant judging, God works from a place of compassion and grace.   Jesus did not choose for those people who did not understand to fail to understand.  He recognized a stance on their part that led to hearing without understanding, and seeing without perception.  It is more than stubbornness that leads to this.  I think about Harry Potter and what Dumbledore said about the possibility for Voldemort’s healing.  He said that even this evil man could heal, he could heal all the horrible, awful things he had done.  There was hope for him, but it was only to be found in a decision on his part to look, to see what he had done and to feel remorse.  Dumbledore  also admitted that the pain of that remorse would be worse than he could imagine.  And, unfortunately,  it was a pain Voldemort was simply unwilling to experience.  Our salvation, or to use a less “churchy” word – our healing, our wholeness,  comes when we are willing to look, honestly, at what we have done – not project it outward as the scribes, Pharisees and others did with Jesus.  They projected onto him all their anger, fear, hatred – all of their mistakes and they then therefore killed him.  He had done nothing to harm them,  but they projected their own pain onto him.  They were not willing to see because it would hurt too much.  They were not willing to understand.  And because of that, all the forgiveness in the world that God offers, and God does offer it, they could not accept into their beings in any way.  They just couldn’t.  When we cannot look at ourselves, face ourselves, forgive ourselves, we cannot forgive others.  And when we cannot forgive others, we cannot find healing.  I think about what Corrie Ten Boom said about the people she worked with after WWII who healed were those who forgave.  Those unable to heal were those who were also unable to forgive.  This is the theory, again, behind 12-step programs as well: when we cannot face ourselves, we get stuck in our addictions.  It is only when we do the inner work that we are able to heal from them.

               Does God want to keep forgiveness from us?  Never.  Jesus came to announce that forgiveness, to heal us, to make us whole.  He declared from the cross, “Father, forgive them for they know now what they do.”  No.  But our ability to accept God’s forgiveness is in measure to our ability to forgive others.  And our ability to forgive others is in measure to our ability to forgive ourselves.  Our ability to forgive ourselves has to start with a facing, an understanding, an owning of what we have done.  So we 1. Self-reflect

2.  Find compassion for ourselves.

3.  Find compassion for others

4.  Accept forgiveness in.

And that is the cycle of healing, for ourselves, for our neighbors, and for the world.

Amen. 

Value, Worth, Esteem

        I deeply believe that God loves each one of us with a love that is huge, profound, and beyond our comprehension.  I also believe, with strong conviction, that because of that, we don't have to care what other people think of us.  We are valued deeply by God.  And that knowledge should be sufficient for each of us to feel that we are enough, as we are, who we are, despite the judgments and condemnations of the world.  I'm reminded of the book, You are Special, by Max Lucado.  It tells the story of the Wemmicks, wooden people who give each other dots and stars depending on whether they judge the other to be a good or a bad Wemmick.  The star of the story, Punchinello, finds his way, however, to the Maker of all the wooden people who tells him that the only judgment that matters is that of his maker and that this maker loves Punchinello. He also tells Punchinello that Punchinello is special. As Punchinello leaves the Maker, he thinks, "I think he really means it!" and one of the dots that had been put on him by other Wemmicks falls to the floor.  I love this story because I think it speaks truth.  Those who can really see, feel and believe that they are loved by something beyond themselves are just simply not as reliant on the feedback, judgments and opinions of those around them.  It is important and vital, then, that we accept this grace that is given so that we can be who we are called to be, without fear, and without wearing on our persons the judgments of others.
         I believe this, but the truth is that I rarely feel that this includes me.  I know this is a common problem.  Many of us are all too aware of our own limitations, our own flaws, our errors, our mistakes, to actually take in to our beings that we are loved.  We are too busy trying to live up to some standard set by others or that we believe to be God's to accept that maybe we are special and beautiful and loved just as we are.  I don't think God wants us to "be good" because we have to be good in order to be loved.  I think we respond to the grace of being loved by wanting to be the best we can be.  But again, while I can proclaim this truth until I'm blue in the face, I rarely live this out, I rarely take this in to my own person, I rarely feel "enough" or even loved or lovable as I am.
       Or, I would say, that has been the case for most of my life.  But it seems to be changing.  And I've had to spend some time thinking about why this might be the case, why my feelings are turning now, why I feel different about my own person and about my own worth than I have in the past.
        It may simply be that I have become better at surrounding myself with people who are not as judgmental.  I know the people who in the past have been judging and condemning of my person, I recognize the type of person who in the past would shun me or reject me, and while I used to want their approval more than anything, I no longer seek it or value it in the same way.  I no longer keep putting myself into situations where I am surrounded by those who make it clear that I am "not enough" and "not chosen" to be in their special posses.  I think the saying, "I would never join any club that would actually have me" no longer applies.
       But I think it is deeper than that.  I have prayed to see each person with God's eyes, and as a part of that prayer (because for me prayer is about letting ourselves be changed by God, not about trying to change God), I have opened myself and worked hard to look at each person with eyes that see their value.  I look at each person for who they are, striving to see deeper than their social skills or challenges, their popularity, their ability to command a room full of people, their intelligence, their gifts.  I am coming to truly learn to love each person I meet for all of who they are, to strive to understand with compassion why certain people are the way they are, why they act as they do, and why they behave in certain ways.  I no longer rank other people into "this person's judgment and affection are worth having" and "this person's is not" simply because I am no longer ranking people, period.  I have come to a deeper valuing of everyone that I meet.  I see that people who are lacking in some areas, perhaps, have other gifts and are just as valuable and just as important, and just as much children of God as people who are universally loved and whose affection is generally sought.  As I move into a deeper understanding of the value of each other human being that I meet, I find that my affection for each individual, no matter their gifts and their challenges, is also expanding to include myself.  The more compassion and less judgment I have of others, the more I find for myself as well.
       Funny how that works.
       The other side of this, then, is a deeper awareness that when people are being judgmental of me, I can see with greater fullness that this is actually a reflection of their inner judgments on themselves.  They may come across as self-confident or even arrogant, but true confidence, and a true and healthy sense of self has no need to judge others, to put others down, to "rise above" others by lowering them or putting them down.
       And that is hugely freeing.
       As I said at the beginning, I believe with all my being that we are each valued simply because we were created into being.  We are beautiful and loved enough to have been given life.  That is a value we can trust.  Each breath we take is a gift, a gift given because we are an important and wonderful part of this creation.  When we can rest in that knowledge of being loved beyond our imaginings, being loved with every breath, then we no longer need to judge others, let alone ourselves.  Like the Wemmicks, we can let the dots and stars of the world roll off and instead we can be free to simply be who we are and to delight in this life we've been given.  Thanks be to God.

Some times are just like that... AND the bigger picture

        This has been a challenging month. David remains out of work, which, though he doesn't live with us, means finances for all of us are extremely tight; Eldest has left for college, which is both financially and emotionally very taxing; David moved out of his apartment (both because lease is up and also because he can't pay rent without an income) so we moved his stuff to my house and he is staying with my parents - a strain for all involved; we had a flea infestation which meant daily vacuuming the entire house including the furniture as well as combing cats daily, using sprays, chemicals, washing sheets, etc; the cats dealt with it by also peeing inappropriately on my stuff (like my computer bag with computer and papers inside of it, as well as the air purifier - go figure); then this was followed by a pantry fly issue, which involved more cleaning, bagging, spraying; the dishwasher died; the air conditioner/heater completely broke beyond repair (a 10K cost to replace); the car is having issues; I spent hours and hours standing in lines to get my kids the things they needed to start school and get Middle his driving permit; work has been very demanding lately while these other time-consuming things have been going on; and the air has been filled with smoke for a long time now, which has caused illness over here and the kids have missed school days because of being so sick.  These are only the big and hard things.  Other stressors are also abundant as we try to plan a wedding (good thing, but stressful), as my other two kids begin a new school year and are trying to adjust to one less person in the house, as well as the daily annoyances that fill each day. It's been a challenging time. I know some times are just like this. Stuff happens and we just have to deal with it. Sometimes a lot of big stressors all come at once. There are times when even the good things still bring additional stressors to all of us.
         But in the midst of all of this I've found myself truly feeling how blessed, how lucky, how privileged and how loved we all are.  I think it is easy to focus on what is wrong.  For one thing, sharing our troubles can help us connect with other people, can deepen friendships as we open up about the feelings that may not be as attractive or as public.  Also, if we give time and attention to the things that are difficulties, we can often (usually) find the resources to deal with them. So I understand the inclination to dwell on what is hard.  But again, I've found myself really reflecting a great deal of late on what is so good in my life in the midst of all of this.
        I have three amazing children and an incredible partner.  While David being out of work has been a challenge financially, in other ways it has been a real gift because he's been available to help more with kids, and with just being present.  I've needed that, especially as I've dealt with all of the other things going on.  Eldest is doing her best to stick it out at college as well as to stay connected.  I'm immensely proud of her.  My youngest daughter entertains me on a regular basis with her creative and funny additions to the house:

And my son blew me away the other day by telling me he thought I was an awesome mom.  That came out of nowhere.  My son, who has come with so many challenges of his own, is becoming this unbelievably mature, caring, committed, hard-working young man right before my eyes.  For my 15 year old boy to tell me he appreciated me and to choose to come give me a hug... well, I thought I must have entered heaven, which, in a way, I did, at that moment.
          My church and family have been amazingly generous during this time of stress: the men's group buying me a new dishwasher and installing it, as well as just expressing care and love and support in so many ways, as well as the constant care of my extended family.
          But the biggest gift I've been able to appreciate lately is the realization of what time, growth, and previous hard times have given me. They've given me a deep appreciation and awareness of how quickly things change, how the hard times pass, and that things really do continue to move forward. They also remind me to keep looking for the good, for Love, for God, in every moment.  I'm getting better at remembering that. The fact that I can keep walking through, facing each new challenge and still feel happy, content, at peace, has been an amazing gift for me.  I'm not the same as I was ten years ago: and that awareness of inner change and growth, amidst continuity, is a deep gift.
          I choose to be a person who sees the good.  I choose that for my kids, for my church community.  I choose to be a person who walks in gratitude and with a vision for what is beautiful.  I choose to respond with compassion in the face of unkindness, and with grace in the face of evil.  I can't do that for myself, as much as I want to; but I can do that for my kids and my faith community.  Even so, those choices are hard to make.  But I am learning that practice is a really good teacher and that staying in grace and in light becomes easier each time I choose it.  So I am also learning to see the hard times as the true gifts they are: they are opportunities to practice being the person I want to be.  They are chances offering me the choice to respond each time to each crisis in a better way.  I can't learn without the stressors that push on that learning.  So I am grateful for this last month, and for the gifts that come from walking in a path of growth and learning.
        Thanks be to God!