Last week I wrote a letter for our church newsletter that focused on the nature of change. I want to include part of what I wrote here, but take it a step further.
Every change involves grief.
Even good changes mean there is loss: something that was is now no
longer and we have moved into something that is different from what was before. While some of these changes are easier to get
through than others, they all invite us into a process where we can either grow
or stagnate, learn and develop or become angry and bitter. When we try to skirt around the feelings of
grief that change brings, usually it ends up hurting us in the end: we are not
as able to truly move forward, to grow through the healing process, or to do
the inner work required to become the whole people God calls us to be.
As I
write this, I am preparing to go on Sabbatical.
This is a joyous time: both for me and for my congregation. For me, I will have intentional and extended
time off. I don’t believe I’ve ever had a vacation or even a day off that was
completely free from work in my years serving as a pastor. There have always been phone calls, texts,
emails that need my attention and I’ve been happy to give it. I love my work and that call has shown me
that my work has been valued and appreciated.
At the same time, I am tired and taking a true step away for a few
months will be different for me. I will be turning off my computer for these
months, stepping away from phone calls and texts. For much of the time I will be out of the
country and unable to receive contact of any kind, but even while I am in the country,
a sabbatical requires a stepping away, a silencing of these modes of contact.
That will be new for me, but in 28 years of ministry, I’m hoping it will be a
time of spiritual renewal. Jesus
modelled stepping away to pray and to regroup and I am trying to learn from his
example as I take this time apart.
For my congregation, they will have the experience of a wonderful woman coming to fill in for me who is a colleague, friend and mentor whom I'm hoping will be able to lead them in a different way for a few months. She will bring different visions, different
insight and will be able to lead and walk with the congregation in new ways. These are all good things. I will return in August and that will also be
a good thing: I hope to come back with renewed energy and vision and I look
forward to hearing what my congregation has learned during my time away.
But I
also need to name, as I began, that every change involves
grief. Grief can include feelings of
sadness, depression, anxiety. While my hope is that these feelings will be minimal for my congregants, I can honestly say that they are rising steadily for me.
I worry about life transitions that I may not be here to support or to
walk through. I wonder what my parishioners feel and how they will move through this time.
Personally, I worry how it will be for me to not be defined by my
ministry. I have anxiety
about the transition back when I return in August.
Our session (executive council) for our congregation met yesterday. We are reading together a book about family and church systems and the chapter we read for yesterday discussed how the anxiety of grief can cause people to "act out." I feel called to name that despite my understanding this to be true, it is still the case that I find my anxiety causing me to behave differently than I would choose. Today I was snippy and unusually direct with a congregant about something that had hurt someone I love. Normally I would step back, take a breath before reacting, and be able to be more pastoral in my response. But today I acted from that reactive anxious place. I apologized, and fortunately was able to see it for what it was: a reaction based in anxiety and the grief of change. Even more fortunately for me, he was also able to see that as well and so did not take it personally. Still, my own behavior was a call to pay attention, and to breathe more deeply through the next couple weeks as I prepare to go.
As with all transitions, this is an invitational time for me to pay attention. As with all feelings, the anxiety calls us to listen and to be honest in our feelings. But once again, God did not leave me alone in my anxiety. In the middle of today's drama, I received a phone call from someone I haven't spoken to in nine years. It was a delightful and unexpected "catch up" conversation with a parishioner from my last congregation. I left the call with several gifts.
First, it was a reminder to me that even if I were not returning (and I am returning!!), there would be people who had valued my time here. I do not need to be anxious that my presence has been unvalued or unimportant. Even parishioners who experienced me for a much shorter time and during an unusually dramatic and difficult time value what I had to give.
Second, it was a reminder that even when we are apart from one another, we remain connected. Our hearts, our experiences together, our walks together matter. They continue to be part of who we are even when we are separate.
Finally, and always, it was a reminder that God never leaves us alone. At the moment when I most needed reassurance and comfort, I was given the gift of this re-connection. The ways in which God binds us to one another and is the glue, the love, the communion in community is so important and essential. And for all of that I am deeply grateful.
During this season of change I am striving to walk with my eyes open. I will make mistakes. But none of us are alone, and with love and intentionality we will walk through the struggles to emerge in a better place on the other side. Thanks be to God.
