I’ve been thinking about comments I’ve heard recently that basically come down to, “Because I’ve suffered, you should too.” Or even, "Because WE'VE suffered, you should too."
“Because I had to take that test in
order to get into that job/profession/group/activity other people should have
to as well. If they don’t, it’s not
fair!”
“Because I received corporal
punishment as a child, I think this next generation of kids should also have
corporal punishment. It didn’t kill me
so it won’t kill them!”
“Because I had to go through
several rigid screenings in order to be part of this group, everyone else
should as well.”
"Because we have been hurt, we need to make other people hurt too."
Recently there was a huge
controversy that involved one of the ordination exams that was offered this
past year. A scripture was chosen for those
studying to become Presbyterian pastors that they needed to translate from original Hebrew, do
an extensive biblical study on, and then create a congregational bible study from that passage. This is a part of every exegesis ordination
exam that every Presbyterian pastor must take to be ordained in our
denomination. The scripture they picked
this last year, though, was one that could have been considered deeply traumatic
for many. It was Judges 19 in which a
Levite’s concubine was gang-raped, murdered and dismembered. Survivors of sexual assault were outraged at
the insistence that they be required to study and write about this passage and
basically called the committee’s choice that they handle such a passage a form
of “hazing”. Without going too far into
the controversy, I found it interesting that one of the arguments for
continuing with this passage again came back to the “well we had to look at
hard passages to become pastors, so they should too.” The use of the word “hazing” to describe the
exam also backs this idea. Those who are
hazed remember what they had to do in order to “join the club” or the
fraternity and they feel it is, therefore, only fair that those who follow
should also have to suffer as they did.
While these examples take many
forms and have been said in many differing situations, they all come back to
that same thing: I suffered, so others should too.
This is
very problematic. While I have written about this for my congregation, I wanted to say something more about this using words that are not as "churchy" because, while I think this is especially problematic for people of faith, I also believe it is simply problematic just because as human beings, we should be striving to do better. Every single day there are so many good things that come to us that we did not earn or deserve. And there are so many gifts that come our way that we can take no credit for at all. On a small scale, how many times have you
gone over the speed limit, or failed to use your turn signal but have not been
given a ticket? How many times have you
made a mistake such as talking behind someone’s back, exaggerating a story in a
way that you knew would be hurtful to those you spoke about, or were cranky
with someone you valued in a way that could have ended the relationship, only
to have the experience of finding that those mistakes have not led to the
terrible consequences which could have followed? How often have we experienced being forgiven for the harsh words, or loved beyond the mistakes?
In the bigger picture, did you do anything that earned you where you were born? Did you do anything to have been born into a family that had enough resources to feed you, to house you, to educate you? Did you do anything to deserve classes and lessons and friends and family who have been kind and loving? Did you do anything to deserve going on family vacations or trips to the park or zoo or circus as a kid? How many times have you just barely scraped by on an exam or in some other way and experienced others simply being kind because they could be?
But as a
people we don’t tend to focus or remember the times we've experienced such beauty or kindness or grace nearly as intensely
or as often as we focus on and remember what we consider an injustice to
ourselves. And as a result, we fail then
to find the gratitude to extend that grace to those around us, but instead
insist that because we suffered, others should too. And while this may be very human, "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind." We need to do better. We need to focus less on revenge and on the idea that because I have suffered, you should too, and instead choose more often that because I've been gifted in so very many ways in this lifetime, I will extend those gifts and that grace to you as well.
We have the power to create a kinder, gentler world. And it doesn't take much to move from "it's not fair!" to "How can I help? What can I do to make your world a tiny bit better?" My hope is that we could all try to move in that direction, one step at a time.
