A Deep Dive

           It was suggested to me recently that perhaps I am not self-reflective enough.  Perhaps that is true.  After all, as I say repeatedly, we tend to project out onto others that which is our own issue and then condemn it.  And I can honestly say the thing that bothers me the most in other people is the hypocrisy of those who condemn something in another that is a huge problem in themselves (failing to take the log out of their own eyes as they attack the speck in someone else's).  So, if I am listening to myself here, it would make sense that that which bothers me in others is the thing that I am struggling with most in myself.  So the fact that I condemn an inability to be self-reflective in others may indeed be a sign to myself that this is something I am deeply needing to work on.

    Additionally, I remember very clearly a situation several years ago (one I wrote about here) in which I was on a retreat where we were all asked to put together a "life plan" that looked at what in five areas in our lives we needed to work on (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, vocational).  Once I had done my piece of this, I told my group that I saw no connection between the five areas for me and the group was able to show me in what ways they all intersected.  I had not seen it.  I had even been using the same phrase to describe each area of needed growth but somehow had failed to hear myself repeating that phrase and had not seen the connections.

    All that being said, I spend a great deal of time in self-reflection.  I do this because I don't want my own "stuff" being dumped on my parishioners or my children.  I don't want to be a person who is unaware or blind to my own issues.  I am more than okay naming, recognizing, and working on those areas in myself where I fall short.  I want to be the most whole I can be and I don't know another way to get there except by being willing to look at, name, confront and work to change my own shortcomings.  From a faith perspective, I deeply want to be the person I believe God is calling me to be and I don't know how to be that person without doing the work.  I also am deeply aware that there are areas within each of us that are frankly very hard to see.  We need the reflection, the mirroring of others to be able to see those areas.  Sometimes the logs in our own eyes truly blind us even to seeing the logs themselves.  We cannot get there on our own.  For that reason I have worked with counselors and spiritual directors over the years, too, as well as meditating, journaling and doing the work on my own.  When people accuse me of being too "intense" I often think what they mean is that I spend too much of my time trying to look, see, do the work, and go deep.  

    Still, the truth remains that each person in our lives will see us differently.  Each person will see things that maybe we can't because each person comes from a slightly different perspective, with different experiences of their own.  It is also true that each person brings their own issues that also will necessarily skew how they see every other person.  That means that the judgments and "insights" of others into anyone else will always be flawed and inaccurate as well.  So for today I am simply sitting with the accusation that I am not self-reflective enough.  I will ask for more understanding of what that person believes they are seeing that they believe I am missing.  And I will take it to God in prayer and meditation to listen for what is truly mine, and what is truly theirs (again, we project our own stuff out, so at least a part of this belongs to that person).  It is part of the journey and commitment to growth to do so, and I will take it for the gift that it is.