I find myself reflecting today on what we are called to do, how we are called to behave when we become offended. I've preached and written on this before, so much of this may sound familiar, but it has come up again and I think it is important.
In the face of what we might perceive as injustices, or a lack of fairness or being "cheated" of something or being attacked, the most common responses are either to get angry or to walk away. Sometimes we do both. It is a rare person who can stay and remain calm in the conversation, and yet, that is what we are called to do.
I love the biblical story of the Canaanite woman who asked Jesus to heal her daughter. He responded by calling her a dog (same horrible insult as it would be today!), and telling her his mission was not to "her kind." Every reason was there for her to respond by taking offense and for her to either become angry or to walk away. She chose to do neither. She stayed in the conversation, she didn't let him off the hook, and she invited him to expand his vision in such a way that his ministry also expanded after that conversation. She did not call him "out", she called him "in" as Dr. Loretta Ross describes.
I want to be clear here that I am not saying we ignore our differences. God made our differences and they are reasons for us to celebrate. It is our differences that invite each of us to grow and learn. It is our differences that call us to expand our vision.
I'm also not saying we ignore injustices. James Baldwin wrote, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” And I agree with that to a point. I agree that whenever anyone's oppression and the denial of their humanity is at stake, we must stand against it. Always. But I also believe in Jesus' call to love our ENEMIES as ourselves. That means that even in the face of hate, we are called to figure out how to extend love to those who are hateful. As Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that."
Finally, I also need to be clear that "love" in this context is an action, working for the highest good of the other. It is not a feeling, it is not "liking." We work for the highest good of the other by being authentic, by staying in the conversation, and by speaking truthfully but also KINDLY to one another when what we hear is harming anyone else. We love one another by caring enough not to leave the conversation but to speak firmly but clearly about what is life-giving and what is not. We also love one another by being willing to hear critique and to grow and change from it; to say "I'm sorry" when we've messed up, and "I will work on this. Thank you." when we are called on misbehaviors.
Why is this coming up now? The stance of so many in our country currently is to become offended by the littlest things: to hear insult and injury even when it is clear to others that was not the message. We then respond with anger and escalate a problem that might never have been there in the first place. It doesn't help. It doesn't help us to feel less angry to react by lashing out. And it doesn't help the relationship to respond in that way. It does nothing towards healing or growing or bettering the world to respond in these ways.
And when there is a real problem? When someone really intended unkindness or to say something harmful? Well, if we haven't practiced listening on a daily basis and responding with kindness when it is easy, how on earth will we listen when there is genuine injustice or respond with kind but direct communication when the situation really requires it?
We have to start listening with loving ears, to listen for the intention of kindness, to probe deeper into the meaning behind the words.
We also must start speaking with love, speaking with kindness.
I realize neither of these things is easy. Both involve staying at the table and engaging even when we would tend towards anger and want to lash out or leave. But we have to start.
"I was hurt by what you said and I'm trying to understand if I heard you correctly or understood you correctly." (if yes), "can you tell me why you said that? why that felt important to say?"
And then if it was really unkind,
"I usually experience you as a thoughtful and kind person, so I'm curious about the words you just used which did not seem to match your usual kindness."
We have to practice. Especially now, if we want to heal the breaches, the rifts, we have to practice how to listen and how to speak. It's not optional if we hope for a better world.
