Value, Worth, Esteem

        I deeply believe that God loves each one of us with a love that is huge, profound, and beyond our comprehension.  I also believe, with strong conviction, that because of that, we don't have to care what other people think of us.  We are valued deeply by God.  And that knowledge should be sufficient for each of us to feel that we are enough, as we are, who we are, despite the judgments and condemnations of the world.  I'm reminded of the book, You are Special, by Max Lucado.  It tells the story of the Wemmicks, wooden people who give each other dots and stars depending on whether they judge the other to be a good or a bad Wemmick.  The star of the story, Punchinello, finds his way, however, to the Maker of all the wooden people who tells him that the only judgment that matters is that of his maker and that this maker loves Punchinello. He also tells Punchinello that Punchinello is special. As Punchinello leaves the Maker, he thinks, "I think he really means it!" and one of the dots that had been put on him by other Wemmicks falls to the floor.  I love this story because I think it speaks truth.  Those who can really see, feel and believe that they are loved by something beyond themselves are just simply not as reliant on the feedback, judgments and opinions of those around them.  It is important and vital, then, that we accept this grace that is given so that we can be who we are called to be, without fear, and without wearing on our persons the judgments of others.
         I believe this, but the truth is that I rarely feel that this includes me.  I know this is a common problem.  Many of us are all too aware of our own limitations, our own flaws, our errors, our mistakes, to actually take in to our beings that we are loved.  We are too busy trying to live up to some standard set by others or that we believe to be God's to accept that maybe we are special and beautiful and loved just as we are.  I don't think God wants us to "be good" because we have to be good in order to be loved.  I think we respond to the grace of being loved by wanting to be the best we can be.  But again, while I can proclaim this truth until I'm blue in the face, I rarely live this out, I rarely take this in to my own person, I rarely feel "enough" or even loved or lovable as I am.
       Or, I would say, that has been the case for most of my life.  But it seems to be changing.  And I've had to spend some time thinking about why this might be the case, why my feelings are turning now, why I feel different about my own person and about my own worth than I have in the past.
        It may simply be that I have become better at surrounding myself with people who are not as judgmental.  I know the people who in the past have been judging and condemning of my person, I recognize the type of person who in the past would shun me or reject me, and while I used to want their approval more than anything, I no longer seek it or value it in the same way.  I no longer keep putting myself into situations where I am surrounded by those who make it clear that I am "not enough" and "not chosen" to be in their special posses.  I think the saying, "I would never join any club that would actually have me" no longer applies.
       But I think it is deeper than that.  I have prayed to see each person with God's eyes, and as a part of that prayer (because for me prayer is about letting ourselves be changed by God, not about trying to change God), I have opened myself and worked hard to look at each person with eyes that see their value.  I look at each person for who they are, striving to see deeper than their social skills or challenges, their popularity, their ability to command a room full of people, their intelligence, their gifts.  I am coming to truly learn to love each person I meet for all of who they are, to strive to understand with compassion why certain people are the way they are, why they act as they do, and why they behave in certain ways.  I no longer rank other people into "this person's judgment and affection are worth having" and "this person's is not" simply because I am no longer ranking people, period.  I have come to a deeper valuing of everyone that I meet.  I see that people who are lacking in some areas, perhaps, have other gifts and are just as valuable and just as important, and just as much children of God as people who are universally loved and whose affection is generally sought.  As I move into a deeper understanding of the value of each other human being that I meet, I find that my affection for each individual, no matter their gifts and their challenges, is also expanding to include myself.  The more compassion and less judgment I have of others, the more I find for myself as well.
       Funny how that works.
       The other side of this, then, is a deeper awareness that when people are being judgmental of me, I can see with greater fullness that this is actually a reflection of their inner judgments on themselves.  They may come across as self-confident or even arrogant, but true confidence, and a true and healthy sense of self has no need to judge others, to put others down, to "rise above" others by lowering them or putting them down.
       And that is hugely freeing.
       As I said at the beginning, I believe with all my being that we are each valued simply because we were created into being.  We are beautiful and loved enough to have been given life.  That is a value we can trust.  Each breath we take is a gift, a gift given because we are an important and wonderful part of this creation.  When we can rest in that knowledge of being loved beyond our imaginings, being loved with every breath, then we no longer need to judge others, let alone ourselves.  Like the Wemmicks, we can let the dots and stars of the world roll off and instead we can be free to simply be who we are and to delight in this life we've been given.  Thanks be to God.