We become what we believe ourselves to be

        I've been thinking about a person I knew who was a professional victim.  What I mean by that is that this is a person who, given the attention of anyone at all, would take the opportunity to share how their life, their parents, their current family members, their friends and their community were unkind to them and had done them wrong.  This was such a central part of their identity that at a job interview for a leadership position, they lost the job because they took the interview time as an opportunity to share how badly they'd been victimized by their life.  

    With prompting, this individual finally chose to go to therapy.  But unfortunately, the therapist they chose and loved was someone who supported them in this victim stance.  The therapist would listen and lament about how horrible this person's life was and how awful it was that she'd been treated as she had.  For those of us who knew this professional victim well, we saw a different picture.  We saw a person who manipulated and controlled those around her with this victim stance.  If she whined long and hard enough about something that she believed was "unfair," those around her tended to jump to fix it or give to her what she wanted, even when it was unhealthy and damaging for her or those around her.  Her victim position was one of power, but an unhealthy power.  Those who loved her grew tired of being made out to be her perpetrators, those who loved her also grew tired of her choosing this position of what appeared to be weakness when she had so much potential for true strength and joy.  Unfortunately, it was a rare individual who offered her a different way of being in the world, one that celebrated the gifts in her life and gained strength from surviving what was difficult in her past. The rare people who did offer this different option were usually, then, added to her list of "perpetrators" who did not understand her, could not help her, and did not love her when it fact it was out of love that a different possible view of the world was offered.  She believed herself to be a victim at every turn, and could not begin to see other options for how she might walk through this life.  She was never able to move into a different stance, and I believe fully that her therapist caused more harm than good in this woman's life.     

    Another person I know similarly decided that he was a failure in life, could not function normally, was "broken" and could not heal.  This person, too, found a therapist who would support this self-view.  This therapist even used the phrases, "deeply wounded," and "broken" to describe her client.  The individual with this self opinion had functioned in life: he graduated from an esteemed university with honors, was invited to be part of significant and important conferences, held down good jobs, and was even at one point written up in the local paper as someone who was extremely gifted and capable.  But he chose to entrench in a self-image that said he was incapable. As a result of that self-definition, he chose to no longer be functional.  He decided that his life wounded him too deeply for him to do even the basic behaviors necessary to live in this world. As a result of this self-image, he became the person he decided he was.  He became the incapable, broken person he believed himself to be. And like the professional victim above, he blamed those around him, with the support of his therapist, for his "brokenness." Honestly, it was heart-wrenching to watch.

    When my family was going through our terrible trauma, I went to seek help from a spiritual director.  In contrast to the two therapists mentioned above, this person told me that there are three responses to trauma: we can become victims, we can become survivors, or we can thrive through our traumas to emerge better and more whole.  This spiritual director told me that he saw me as that third kind: the kind who was a thriver, growing stronger and clearer about who I am in the world and how I choose to be because of my traumas, not in spite of them.  He told me that being a thriver did not mean I would always be happy: tears, and genuinely going through the trauma with all the emotions attached of anger, grief, even despair at times, were part of emerging as a thriver.  But making the choice to go on, to continue, to do what needed to be done and to do it as well as I could, to focus on who I chose to be and what I chose to do rather than what had been done to me, but more, to look for the good, to find things each and every day to celebrate and to be grateful for: to seek out help for myself from appropriate people in appropriate ways that would allow me to continue to care for the others around me (like my family and congregation) who were also in pain: that these were the choices of a thriver.  He said this with such conviction, and emphasized repeatedly my strength and my thriver choices to seek out and live in gratitude, that I became who he said I was.  I leaned into being a thriver, someone who has grown from my traumas, rather than being hemmed in or restricted by them, someone who claims my own decisions in life rather than living in a place of blaming others for my situation.  And I continue to be a person who looks for the good, who chooses gratitude for the gifts of each day, and who works hard to grow and be better tomorrow than I am today.  I choose to be a thriver because someone whom I trusted told me that was who I was.  Again, this does not mean I don't have feelings.  To the contrary, I continue to believe we have to go through the traumas, through the feelings, through the hard times to come out the other side in a healthy way.  But I choose to do that, knowing that on the other end I will still be a thriver who can function and who makes the decision to live fully and with gratitude and joy.

        While this may sound like an anti-therapist rant, it is not.  There are very good therapists out there, and I believe most of us can benefit from a good therapeutic relationship at one point or another or even throughout our lives.  This is also not an "avoid going into your past or the things that have hurt you" proclamation.  There is great power in looking at our pasts to see what has shaped us and what struggles we still need to work through in order to emerge as thrivers.  

    What I am trying to say is two things: 

    First, do not let your past determine who you are.  Work it through so that you can move forward into being who you are called to be. Deal with those early hurts and then let go of the stuck blame game which will not help you to be the person you are meant to be.  It will also not help you to have positive and loving relationships if you are continually blaming those around you.  You are adults.  You make the choices you need to make for your lives.  Step into those choices and take responsibility for your lives from this moment forward.

    Secondly and more importantly: we need to be careful and intentional about who we decide we are, and how we let others tell us who we are.  Who we believe ourselves to be greatly impacts who we become.  Our self-image, then, can be either a gift or a curse, depending on what you tell yourself and what you allow others to tell you about who you are.  

    Let me be the first, then, to tell each of you my readers: You are loved. You are beautiful. You are STRONG to have made it this far and to live each and every day in a challenging and difficult world.  You have been gifted with every breath you take, with bodies that, even if they have some challenges, still carry you through each day, with friends and family who love you, with the seasons as they come and go, with the birds that sing and the gardens around us, with music and dance and books and art.  All of this has been given to YOU because you are worthy to receive it all.  You are kind, you are smart.  You are loving and generous. You are capable.  Most of all, you get to have a hand in deciding who you will be as you step forward into the rest of your lives.  Take that opportunity.  THRIVE!

June 6th sermon: Being Made in God's Image

 

Jeremiah 18:1-11

Genesis 1:26-31

Luke 14:25-33Top of Form

We have three scriptures today that look at who we are in relationship to God.  The Jeremiah passage appears condemning – saying that God will tear down and destroy the evil nation.  And then we have the passage from Luke which seems to say that we cannot be accepted as disciples unless we give up all we have, including our families.  And finally we end with the passage from Genesis that reminds us that we are made in God’s image and made good.

So how do we reconcile these three passages together?  How do we understand who we are to this God who loved and created us good, in God’s own image, who knows us inside and out - with passages that appear to condemn who we are, our limits and our failings, as completely unacceptable?

Our self-esteem in the Western World is very fragile.  And I think there are a lot of reasons for this.  For one thing, we are slow to forgive.  We like revenge.  We like vengeance.  We are not just slow to forgive others, we are slow to forgive ourselves.  Despite the Lord’s Prayer that we say every single week, and for some of us a whole lot more often than that, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us”, none the less, we don’t actually do this….with others or with ourselves. And this changes everything about how we see the world.

I want to give you an example.  There is a story of an old sheep farmer whose neighbor’s dogs were always killing his sheep.  It became so horrible that he knew he had to do something about it.  What are the options that come to mind when you think about how he should have dealt with this?  Chances are that if you grew up here your first thought would be to call the police, to ask for their intervention.  Maybe the second thought would be to sue the neighbor for the loss of the sheep.  We go to these revenge, punishment, payment scenarios here because that is what our culture has taught us to do.  We go there so quickly that we have a very hard time thinking outside of these particular boxes.  But these are not the only solutions.  Can you think of something else?  Perhaps your second thought is he could build a stronger and higher fence so that his neighbor’s dogs could not get in.  And that’s a solution, for sure.  But still there are others.  In this particular instance, the farmer took a third option.  He chose to give two lambs to his neighbor’s children.  In due time the lambs grew into sheep and had other sheep and then the neighbor and his children got to see the sheep not as just something their neighbor had, but as something they valued as well.  They soon penned their dogs.

I also, though, think there is a second reason why we struggle here with self-esteem.  Passages like today’s passage from Jeremiah and today’s passage from Luke are part of a larger group of writing that simply makes us feel that there is nothing we can do that is “enough”.  Looking specifically at the Luke passage, from Feasting on the Word, “Three times in this passage, Jesus says that without definite decision, a person cannot be his disciple. First, he requires a person to hate parents, spouse, children, siblings, and even one's own life. Second, he commands carrying the cross and following him. Third, he demands the giving up of all possessions. Even if we soften his word "hate," Jesus still leaves us with his requirement that we make family ties and normal self-preservation subordinate to following him. The pastoral work of the Christian community involves a clear and frank acknowledgment of the great challenge, the fearsome requirements of becoming and doing what Jesus expects of us.”  Jesus also declares that we shouldn’t even begin becoming his disciples unless we are prepared to go all the way.  Discipleship costs. In fact, it will cost us everything .  So much for family values.  And so much for loving others as yourself.  It feels when we read passages like this that there is nothing we can do to be accepted and acceptable.  How many of us are able to “hate mother and father”?  For those of us who take passages such as this seriously, these words hit, hard.  Are we ever going to be enough for God?  Will we ever be accepted or acceptable? 

And then we read passages like the one from Jeremiah.  And it would seem that maybe the pain we undergo is a punishment because we aren’t enough, because we haven’t given up enough, because we still love our families.  So we ask, are the things that are happening punishments for what we have done?  When we are going through difficult times is it because we have done evil?  And what makes it even harder is when we don’t know what it is that could have led to such pain and punishment.  When we search and search our souls but cannot find what it is that we have done that would deserve the hardships we endure.  “What did I do to deserve this?” we ask.  “Why me?”  And it is not just we who do this.  We want life to be fair, so we can impose on others reasons for their suffering as well.  For example, when my family was going through our terrible time, I had a person inform me that the reason we were struggling so much must be because I did something horrible in a past life.  The person is familiar with the life I had lived up to that point, couldn’t find a reason why all of this would have happened to me based on anything I’ve done in this life, and so has made it “fair” in her mind by declaring that I did wrong in my last life.  I get it.  And passages like the one from Jeremiah make it all the harder to accept that sometimes things just happen because life is not fair.

Brian Konkol, Chaplain of Gustavus Adolphus College confronts these ideas.  He said it this way, “One of the intellectual foundations of Western thought is "Cogito ergo sum," or "I think therefore I am." This statement from René Descartes has greatly influenced modern life, especially in the west.  It assumes that human existence can be self-reliant, and gives birth to various terms in the English-language with "self" as a prefix. For example, we often hear of self-confidence, self-conscious, self-expression, self-criticism, self-deception, self-defeating, self-denial, self-discipline, self-esteem, self-expression, self-importance, self-improvement, self-interest, self-respect, self-restraint, self-sacrifice—and the list goes on! Amazingly, the equivalent of these "self" words cannot be found in many non-Western languages, which reveals a great deal about our continued fascination with (and celebration of) the so-called "self-made woman" and/or "self-made man."  In wonderful contrast to "I think therefore I am," the African philosophy of "ubuntu" states, "I am because we are."  Among other things, ubuntu recognizes that individual autonomy is impossible; a person is only a person through being in relationship with other persons.  In other words, all people are products of their environment, and thus all people have to rely upon others each and every day. While ubuntu recognizes personal initiative, drive, and the ability to shape our surroundings, it also acknowledges that relationships shape existence, and thus connectedness is essential to a full understanding of life.  

The “clay” that Jeremiah describes in today’s passage, the clay that is remolded and remodeled in this is communal.  It is not individuals who are being molded, remolded, plucked down and built up, but God’s will for God’s people in community.  God’s will is being remolded for a community as the community responds or fails to respond to God’s call.  God is the same, but God’s actions and plans change, or as today’s scripture said, “If that nation turns from its evil, I will change my mind.”  God interacts with us according to how we interact with God.  Additionally, the image we are given today from Jeremiah is of a potter who took the clay and did not throw it out when it became marred, but rather shaped and created it into something new and beautiful, something God thought it was best to be.  God does not throw out the community, but recreates it, using the clay that already exists – the people who already exist – and making God’s will for it into something better.  I’m reminded of the Japanese Kintsugi: pottery that is broken is reworked with gold into beautiful new objects.  The belief behind it is that things that have been broken have the potential to be much more beautiful and that this can be shown through this amazing art work. 

Still, this may still sound harsh.  But the God of punishment isn’t the God I experience, which isn’t to say that there aren’t consequences for our actions.  I do think life hold us accountable.  There are consequences for our actions, and sometimes those are devastating and hurtful.  We make mistakes with people and those mistakes can deeply affect our relationships, no matter how much we apologize or strive to make amends, for example.  We live in a world that sometimes we cannot fix the mistakes we make.  But it is also true that many of the bad things that come to us as individuals are undoubtedly the results of the world we live in, the communal world, the world of our communities and our nations and our earth.  Bad things happen all the time, not always because of the things we have done, though we can remain affected. 

Where is God in this?  Well, that’s the other part of this.  I do think that God calls us, every time, to learn from the painful experiences, to grow closer to God and closer to what God calls us to be, what God intends for us to be, through our experiences, all of them.   I can’t put that in a context of punishment, because for me God’s call to make us better, God’s desire for us to grow, is out of love and out of grace.

 Malachi 3 reminds us:  “ But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner’s fire or a launderer’s soap. ³ He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.”  Because God loves us, God will call us to change, God will remold us, God will refine us.  Not comfortable.  But if we can see our trials as opportunities for growth, they can be gifts and blessings.

Looking once again at the Luke passage, we need to remember that discipleship is a process.  We are all “becoming” disciples, which means that there will be times when we put the needs or demands of other people or ourselves above God.  Eventually, we hope not to do this because, as we will discover, when we put God first, the needs of those around us get met.  But this really is a process of becoming a disciple.  It takes time, it takes commitment to love both God and God’s people.  But also, as Bonhoeffer says, "The call to discipleship is a gift of grace and that call is inseparable from grace."  Therefore, even as we struggle to be disciples, it is God who gives us the ability to do that, to grow in discipleship and faith.

So, returning to the self-esteem question, are we enough?  Are you enough?  Well, we are enough that God created us in God’s own image.  God loved us into being.   There is a wonderful praise song called “fingerprints of God”.  Here are the words:

I can see the tears filling your eyes, And I know where they're coming from.

They're coming from a heart that's broken in two, By what you don't see

The person in the mirror, Doesn't look like the magazine

Oh but when I look at you it's clear to me that:

I can see the fingerprints of God When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds

And you're covered with the fingerprints of God.

 

Never has there been and never again Will there be another you

Fashioned by God's hand And perfectly planned

To be just who you are And what he's been creating

Since the first beat of your heart Is a living breathing priceless work of art and

Just look at you. You're a wonder in the making

Oh and God's not through no, In fact he's just getting started and

I can see the fingerprints of God When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds

And you're covered with the fingerprints of God.

Who are we to judge ourselves as unforgiveable?  Who are we to judge ourselves as not good enough?  Who are we to fail to love ourselves as our neighbors when God loves us more than anything?  So hear the Good News.  You are loved.  By none other than GOD!  That makes you valuable, and worthy and wonderful.  God loves YOU.  God has created you in the Divine image.  You are covered with the fingerprints of God.  And that is an amazing and wondrous blessing indeed.

Value, Worth, Esteem

        I deeply believe that God loves each one of us with a love that is huge, profound, and beyond our comprehension.  I also believe, with strong conviction, that because of that, we don't have to care what other people think of us.  We are valued deeply by God.  And that knowledge should be sufficient for each of us to feel that we are enough, as we are, who we are, despite the judgments and condemnations of the world.  I'm reminded of the book, You are Special, by Max Lucado.  It tells the story of the Wemmicks, wooden people who give each other dots and stars depending on whether they judge the other to be a good or a bad Wemmick.  The star of the story, Punchinello, finds his way, however, to the Maker of all the wooden people who tells him that the only judgment that matters is that of his maker and that this maker loves Punchinello. He also tells Punchinello that Punchinello is special. As Punchinello leaves the Maker, he thinks, "I think he really means it!" and one of the dots that had been put on him by other Wemmicks falls to the floor.  I love this story because I think it speaks truth.  Those who can really see, feel and believe that they are loved by something beyond themselves are just simply not as reliant on the feedback, judgments and opinions of those around them.  It is important and vital, then, that we accept this grace that is given so that we can be who we are called to be, without fear, and without wearing on our persons the judgments of others.
         I believe this, but the truth is that I rarely feel that this includes me.  I know this is a common problem.  Many of us are all too aware of our own limitations, our own flaws, our errors, our mistakes, to actually take in to our beings that we are loved.  We are too busy trying to live up to some standard set by others or that we believe to be God's to accept that maybe we are special and beautiful and loved just as we are.  I don't think God wants us to "be good" because we have to be good in order to be loved.  I think we respond to the grace of being loved by wanting to be the best we can be.  But again, while I can proclaim this truth until I'm blue in the face, I rarely live this out, I rarely take this in to my own person, I rarely feel "enough" or even loved or lovable as I am.
       Or, I would say, that has been the case for most of my life.  But it seems to be changing.  And I've had to spend some time thinking about why this might be the case, why my feelings are turning now, why I feel different about my own person and about my own worth than I have in the past.
        It may simply be that I have become better at surrounding myself with people who are not as judgmental.  I know the people who in the past have been judging and condemning of my person, I recognize the type of person who in the past would shun me or reject me, and while I used to want their approval more than anything, I no longer seek it or value it in the same way.  I no longer keep putting myself into situations where I am surrounded by those who make it clear that I am "not enough" and "not chosen" to be in their special posses.  I think the saying, "I would never join any club that would actually have me" no longer applies.
       But I think it is deeper than that.  I have prayed to see each person with God's eyes, and as a part of that prayer (because for me prayer is about letting ourselves be changed by God, not about trying to change God), I have opened myself and worked hard to look at each person with eyes that see their value.  I look at each person for who they are, striving to see deeper than their social skills or challenges, their popularity, their ability to command a room full of people, their intelligence, their gifts.  I am coming to truly learn to love each person I meet for all of who they are, to strive to understand with compassion why certain people are the way they are, why they act as they do, and why they behave in certain ways.  I no longer rank other people into "this person's judgment and affection are worth having" and "this person's is not" simply because I am no longer ranking people, period.  I have come to a deeper valuing of everyone that I meet.  I see that people who are lacking in some areas, perhaps, have other gifts and are just as valuable and just as important, and just as much children of God as people who are universally loved and whose affection is generally sought.  As I move into a deeper understanding of the value of each other human being that I meet, I find that my affection for each individual, no matter their gifts and their challenges, is also expanding to include myself.  The more compassion and less judgment I have of others, the more I find for myself as well.
       Funny how that works.
       The other side of this, then, is a deeper awareness that when people are being judgmental of me, I can see with greater fullness that this is actually a reflection of their inner judgments on themselves.  They may come across as self-confident or even arrogant, but true confidence, and a true and healthy sense of self has no need to judge others, to put others down, to "rise above" others by lowering them or putting them down.
       And that is hugely freeing.
       As I said at the beginning, I believe with all my being that we are each valued simply because we were created into being.  We are beautiful and loved enough to have been given life.  That is a value we can trust.  Each breath we take is a gift, a gift given because we are an important and wonderful part of this creation.  When we can rest in that knowledge of being loved beyond our imaginings, being loved with every breath, then we no longer need to judge others, let alone ourselves.  Like the Wemmicks, we can let the dots and stars of the world roll off and instead we can be free to simply be who we are and to delight in this life we've been given.  Thanks be to God.

Some times are just like that... AND the bigger picture

        This has been a challenging month. David remains out of work, which, though he doesn't live with us, means finances for all of us are extremely tight; Eldest has left for college, which is both financially and emotionally very taxing; David moved out of his apartment (both because lease is up and also because he can't pay rent without an income) so we moved his stuff to my house and he is staying with my parents - a strain for all involved; we had a flea infestation which meant daily vacuuming the entire house including the furniture as well as combing cats daily, using sprays, chemicals, washing sheets, etc; the cats dealt with it by also peeing inappropriately on my stuff (like my computer bag with computer and papers inside of it, as well as the air purifier - go figure); then this was followed by a pantry fly issue, which involved more cleaning, bagging, spraying; the dishwasher died; the air conditioner/heater completely broke beyond repair (a 10K cost to replace); the car is having issues; I spent hours and hours standing in lines to get my kids the things they needed to start school and get Middle his driving permit; work has been very demanding lately while these other time-consuming things have been going on; and the air has been filled with smoke for a long time now, which has caused illness over here and the kids have missed school days because of being so sick.  These are only the big and hard things.  Other stressors are also abundant as we try to plan a wedding (good thing, but stressful), as my other two kids begin a new school year and are trying to adjust to one less person in the house, as well as the daily annoyances that fill each day. It's been a challenging time. I know some times are just like this. Stuff happens and we just have to deal with it. Sometimes a lot of big stressors all come at once. There are times when even the good things still bring additional stressors to all of us.
         But in the midst of all of this I've found myself truly feeling how blessed, how lucky, how privileged and how loved we all are.  I think it is easy to focus on what is wrong.  For one thing, sharing our troubles can help us connect with other people, can deepen friendships as we open up about the feelings that may not be as attractive or as public.  Also, if we give time and attention to the things that are difficulties, we can often (usually) find the resources to deal with them. So I understand the inclination to dwell on what is hard.  But again, I've found myself really reflecting a great deal of late on what is so good in my life in the midst of all of this.
        I have three amazing children and an incredible partner.  While David being out of work has been a challenge financially, in other ways it has been a real gift because he's been available to help more with kids, and with just being present.  I've needed that, especially as I've dealt with all of the other things going on.  Eldest is doing her best to stick it out at college as well as to stay connected.  I'm immensely proud of her.  My youngest daughter entertains me on a regular basis with her creative and funny additions to the house:

And my son blew me away the other day by telling me he thought I was an awesome mom.  That came out of nowhere.  My son, who has come with so many challenges of his own, is becoming this unbelievably mature, caring, committed, hard-working young man right before my eyes.  For my 15 year old boy to tell me he appreciated me and to choose to come give me a hug... well, I thought I must have entered heaven, which, in a way, I did, at that moment.
          My church and family have been amazingly generous during this time of stress: the men's group buying me a new dishwasher and installing it, as well as just expressing care and love and support in so many ways, as well as the constant care of my extended family.
          But the biggest gift I've been able to appreciate lately is the realization of what time, growth, and previous hard times have given me. They've given me a deep appreciation and awareness of how quickly things change, how the hard times pass, and that things really do continue to move forward. They also remind me to keep looking for the good, for Love, for God, in every moment.  I'm getting better at remembering that. The fact that I can keep walking through, facing each new challenge and still feel happy, content, at peace, has been an amazing gift for me.  I'm not the same as I was ten years ago: and that awareness of inner change and growth, amidst continuity, is a deep gift.
          I choose to be a person who sees the good.  I choose that for my kids, for my church community.  I choose to be a person who walks in gratitude and with a vision for what is beautiful.  I choose to respond with compassion in the face of unkindness, and with grace in the face of evil.  I can't do that for myself, as much as I want to; but I can do that for my kids and my faith community.  Even so, those choices are hard to make.  But I am learning that practice is a really good teacher and that staying in grace and in light becomes easier each time I choose it.  So I am also learning to see the hard times as the true gifts they are: they are opportunities to practice being the person I want to be.  They are chances offering me the choice to respond each time to each crisis in a better way.  I can't learn without the stressors that push on that learning.  So I am grateful for this last month, and for the gifts that come from walking in a path of growth and learning.
        Thanks be to God!