Much to Complain About

Matthew 11:16-30

Jesus says a great deal in this passage from Matthew.  But throughout the passage he is consistent.  When people fail to see the amazing blessings that surround them, when they fail to really see it and get it, they are in danger.  They are in danger of losing their very souls, not because God will take their souls from them, or punish them for their failure to see, but because in failing to see God in front of them, they fail to truly live in faith, live in connection to the Divine, live in the fullness of life that God wants to give us, chooses to give us, every day.  Jesus said, “Woe to you…to Chorazin and to Bethsaida because they didn’t see the miracles that were performed right in front of them.”  They did not see them.  They did not take them in.  The experience of being near and around these miracles, these life-changing, wonderful, beautiful experiences of healing and transformation, of God’s wanting the best for God’s people, of God wanting and making wholeness and life happen for people whom everyone else had abandoned or given up on – these experiences did not CHANGE the people of Chorazin and Bethsaida.  Witnessing these miracles did not make them want to be the best they could be, did not move them to a gratitude that would cause them to change, to “turn around” which is the actual meaning of repent – to go another way.   They were not changed by witnessing these miracles, which said to Jesus they did not really accept them, did not see, did not choose to experience God, experience Divine love through these events.  And that failure to change in response to the blessings of their lives lead Jesus to say, ‘woe to you.”

Jesus also compares his generation to what?  To whiners.  “We played the pipe for you, and or you did not dance.  We sang a dirge and you did not mourn,” the people complained. They complained that others did not respond to them in the ways they wanted, that they had worked hard, given much, and that others did not do what they expected, did not respond in the way they’d hoped to what they had done, what they had given.  The irony of it:  They complained that others were not moved by what they did.  And yet, they, were not moved by what Jesus and John did.  They complained about John because he ate differently: eating only locusts and wild honey and refraining from drinking.  They complained about Jesus because he didn’t refrain from eating and drinking.  And they dismissed the words of both people based on things that had nothing to do with what they were saying.  Who cares what John and Jesus ate?  But all of these people found ways to not see the blessings that surrounded them.  They focused on what did not fit into their ideas of what people of God should look like, act like, what they thought people of God should do or be. They focused on their judgments of others and dismissed them accordingly. They failed to see the miracles, failed to see the beauty, failed to see God in what was around them.

               Do we do this?  We’ve discussed before how Fear can lead us to see and focus on those things that are going wrong to the exclusion of the wonders and miracles around us.  Our human instincts to complain can lead us to focus on things that are not being done the way we want them to, or expect them to be done.  We want Jesus to not “party” during his life but instead to be serious and self-sacrificing at every turn.  We want John to not be “different” or eat strangely.  We want things to fit into our ideas of how they are or should be.  And if they don’t we complain.  Actually, even when they do live up to our expectations, we also complain.  And again, the problem with that is that in focusing on what we are uneasy with, we fail to see the blessings that surround us, we fail to see the good, we fail to see God, we fail to experience God’s love.  And we are lessened by that failure.  We are the ones then who do not experience Christ, or God in our midst because we are too busy focusing on the problems and not seeing the gifts to experience the blessings, love, joy, peace, compassion, peace, and ultimately the grace that God offers us every single day.

               Rev. Craig Barnes, writes, "… we assume we can make our own lives by the way we construct them for ourselves." Barnes goes on to say this: “Complaining is usually a veiled lament about deeper issues of the soul. Since most people are unaccustomed to exploring the mystery of their own souls, they will often work out their spiritual anxieties by attempting to rearrange something external - like a church's music program. But it doesn't matter how many changes they make to the environment around them. They will never succeed in finding peace for the angst of their soul until they attend directly to it... (That is why) to be of service to the Holy Spirit, who is at work in human lives, the pastor can never reduce ministry to servicing parishioners' complaints about the church. –“

               The truth is, we are often guilty of seeing what we know, what we expect and what we are used to looking for rather than knowing what we see.  (As a side note, children are much better at seeing what is around them.  The kids this week in music camp kept seeing things around the campus and in the building that I had never noticed – a ball on top of the arbor, for example.  The seed pods hanging down from the Wisteria.  The metal lights around the court yard. I don’t know exactly when and how our seeing stops, but it does.  We can learn a lot from the observations and noticings of our youth.)  Add to that that when fear is involved, it is even harder to actually see the blessings God surrounds us with. 

               About eleven years ago now my family went through a very challenging time financially.  My husband was out of work and we were trying to support our family of five on my half time pastor salary in San Leandro.  We had bought a new house right before he had lost his job, one with three bedrooms as opposed to the one we had before which had only two bedrooms and was therefore a bit tight for our family of five.  But at the last minute in the sale of our old home, the buyers had pulled out.  As a result, we were paying two mortgages, again in this unbelievably expensive part of the country.  This was right before the housing market crashed.  Add to that that the shower pan in our new bathroom cracked and we had to replace the entire bathroom, with money we just didn’t have.  It was a truly, deeply frightening time.  Because of that, complaining was at the top of my list of daily activities.  Everywhere I looked and each day there was more to complain about.  A child got sick, I left my wallet at the store, Trader Joe's stopped carrying my favorite breakfast cereal – whatever little thing that occurred was just another weight on shoulders that were already carrying far too much.  The main character in the book, Life of Pi said, “When you’ve suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling”.  I found this to be absolutely true.  It was the little things, the things that I knew were so very small which would send me over the edge during this time.  I simply could not bear anything more because I was deeply frightened.  I was reassured by Biblical passages such as we find in the psalms that allow for us to voice and share with God our complaints, our fears, our concerns, with full knowledge that God does indeed hear them, care about them, want us to talk to God about them; and I took full advantage of that to complain loudly and often, to express my fear and to pray, fervently and often for our house to sell, for my husband to find employment, for us to make it through this financially terrifying time. 

               But as Craig Barnes suggested, looking back, the complaints were all hiding a deeper spiritual issue – and that is that I was living in fear, I was consumed by fear instead of living in faith and trust.  Not that I think God is a magician who takes away all our problems.  Not that I think God micromanages our lives.  I don’t.  We have free will, as do the others around us, and sometimes that means times get hard.  But trust and faith require seeing that each moment, each second, we are surrounded by love, care, presence, that will sustain and carry us and guide us through the hardest times.  Looking back, I can see God’s presence, God’s blessings.  Looking back, now that I am beyond that moment of fear or terror, I can see what I could not see then, that, in so many ways, we in fact were carried through that time.  We had savings that saw us through, and the old house did sell, right before the market crashed.  My husband did find employment right before that savings would have run out.  Yes, we used it all.  But we had it to use.  And we were okay in the end.  I can see, looking back, that we were surrounded also by love and fellowship of people who would have been there for us had things become desperate.  We were held through this time by friends and family who expressed their care in ways both “normal” and amazing.  I’ve shared with you before about that one day in particular when the outpourings of love from the community and from my own family were so deeply amazing that they were nothing short of miraculous.  I won’t share them again, because that one day is not the point.  In looking back, the bigger thing to be seen was that we were cared for daily.  Daily there were overflowing signs of love – from God, from God’s people, a love that has, and continues to sustain us through the hard times because the hard times are always there if we focus on them.  The love, too, is always there to sustain us, if we can just see it when we need it.  Miracles, are all around us, every day, if we allow ourselves to see them, if we can face the spiritual issues such as fear that prevent us from seeing, if we pray and open our eyes to seeing God because God is there, all the time, with blessings in abundance.

               As I was standing in line in the grocery store yesterday,  I overheard someone complaining loudly.  The teller was complaining about her husband, describing him in terms that would make him sound abusive.  But when you really listened to the words, it became clear that what she was actually complaining about was that he didn’t pay for an incredibly expensive luxury for her that she wanted.  Instead, she complained, her son had to do it.  And as I listened, I found myself reflecting again on how much we like to complain and how much we fail to see the beauty and good around us.  There were three different ways she could have told that same story.  In the complaining version, her terrible husband wouldn’t buy her this thing she desperately wanted and so her son had to do it.  In a second version, the husband didn’t pay and the son did – just the facts.  The third version I believe is the way we are called to look at the wonders of life, of God’s presence, of beauty and joy: she had this amazing son who was able to buy even expensive things for her and chose to do so.

               With David’s permission, I want to tell you about a conversation we had yesterday.  A similar situation, but this time about something essential.  David was telling me that he was incredibly lucky and blessed because he had a grandmother who would take money out of her tiny income and buy food for their family.  As many of you know, David grew up extremely poor.  Food could be hard to come by.  They lived from day to day, shoes were a once a year purchase at the thrift store and when they were outgrown, the kids did without.  But David was not focusing on complaining about his childhood, he was focusing on the gift of his grandmother’s help, coming at especially needed times.  He does this with other things too.  He shares with wonder about the church down the street from them that also helped provide food and other essentials.  He describes the care of the community, the wonder of those who held them up.  He does not complain about what his life was like living in that poverty.  He has chosen an outlook of seeing the good, of seeing the Divine, of seeing God.

               How do we describe the events in our lives?  But more deeply, how do we see the events in our lives?  Do we see the gifts and blessings God has given us each and every day?  Or are we so distracted by the things that are hard that we simply cannot see the miracles?

               Connie Schultz wrote that we all have stories of things we can’t explain, wondrous amazing stories that we want to tell but are afraid of being doubted.  Still, they stick with us as signs of something bigger, something that “coincidence” doesn’t quite cover.  She tells her own story this way:

               “Soon after my mother died, I was driving and listening to NPR like I always do when, inexplicably, I reached down and switched the radio station.  “I know you’re watching over me from heaven,” the singer crooned.  Still raw with grief, I sighed and said out loud, “I miss you, Ma.”  Then I looked at the license plate on the car straight ahead: MISS U2.”

               Sr. Joan Chittister once shared this story: Once, the ancients say, a seeker asked a group of disciples: "Does your God work miracles?" And they replied, "It depends on what you call a miracle. Some people say that a miracle is when God does the will of people. We say that a miracle is when people do the will of God."  Sometimes I think the will of God is nothing more than looking and seeing with God’s eyes where love and compassion and grace are all around us, and helping others to see it too.

In today’s passage from Matthew Jesus challenges us to put aside our expectations, our fears, our complaints and to look instead for the good, for God, for God’s love that surrounds us.  But the Good News is that Jesus also knows that isn’t easy for us, this people of God, to always do successfully.  So even after we are scolded for our complaining and scolded for failing to see the miracles that surround us and allow them to change us, deeply, from within, Jesus ends the passage with these words of reassurance, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  When we can’t let go, we can turn to God with our fears, with our complaints, with our burdens.  God wants to hear from us all of what we are feeling, all of what we experience.  We can lay the burdens at Jesus’ feet.  And when we do we will find that God will help us to carry them, God will show us the good that goes alongside our hardships, God will remind us that in every moment there is something both to complain about and something to be thankful for.  God will show us the face of the Divine in those around us, and God will love us into seeing.  Because that’s what God does.  God’s promise is clear: in God’s loving arms, we will find rest.  Amen.

Challenges and Gifts

Okay, I promised my Facebook connections a "revised" perspective today on the challenges we've been facing in our move out here.  I have to admit, it is so easy to get caught up in the stress and struggles of living out of a suitcase, moving to stay with different friends and family and then moving again, while waiting for our house to close and then be fixed up "a little" so we can at least flush the toilets, take a shower, not have wood-rotten boards drop on heads, not look through holes in walls, and lock the doors. There are many other even bigger projects that will also need to happen and my awareness of that fact is also stressful as I wonder how long (and how much money!) it will take to really make the house feel like "home", especially for my children who were pretty despairing at the condition of the house when they were finally able to see it.  It is easy to worry about the fact that I will be paying two mortgages for who knows how long (since no one appears even slightly interested in our house in Ohio), and it appears I will need to home-school my high-schooler, which means losing her "advanced standing" placement at school, etc. Beginning a new job in a new community is always a challenge all in itself. And I've been disappointed to discover that the gossip mill in the larger Presbytery (because even pastors, apparently, cannot always resist the attraction of gossip: Ugh!!)  has taken the story of my family's struggles and enlarged and morphed it into something unrecognizable and even more horrific than what actually happened, and that as a result, what I hoped would be a "new start" for my kids and myself has in fact thrown us back into the hell we experienced 4 1/2 years ago as if it were a brand new thing (which, since it's unrecognizable, it is a new thing). Additionally, because of that seeming need to create, expand and somehow "touch" drama, a couple friendships that I counted on are strained, and connections I had every expectation of having for my kids cannot be renewed in a couple cases.  In other words, things are hard. Still. Again.

I am aware, though, of the need once again to choose perspective.  I talk about framing all the time. How we frame the events of our lives is so incredibly important. I also have the words of my dear friend, Anneke, who did not grow up here in the US constantly going through my head, "Americans expect life to be easy, and they think the purpose of life is to be happy. And because of that, the normal events of each day are way too hard and upsetting for many Americans and they let those events make them unhappy.  People in other countries don't have those expectations.  And as a result, they are much happier because they appreciate and are grateful for the things that go well and that DO come easily as unexpected gifts.  And they take the things that are hard as just par for the course, and they don't let those things get them down."  And I also keep thinking about the wonderful book "The Beethoven Factor" by Paul Pearsall which talks about how some people respond to trauma by becoming victims, others respond by becoming survivors and still others thrive through their traumas, grow and become deeper, more real, more full human beings.  Those who thrive still feel down at times, but they don't let themselves be defeated or become bitter, cynical or opt out of life because of their past.  They live in the present fully, wholly and with increasing commitment.  They laugh hard, cry hard, play hard, and pray hard.

So, with all of that in mind, I am striving with all the stress and questions and disappointments to change my perspective once again.  Living in different houses is an adventure.  Right now, all four of us are camped out in a single room at a friend's house.  It's kind of fun, to be honest, to all sleep in the same room and have cable TV (something we don't usually have), and watch movies together and be in the same place at night.  I often would wake up in our old house when I would hear a noise, worried about the kids and how they were.  But being in the same room, I know how they are at any minute. We are meeting a wonderful new community of people, who are awesome and loving and supportive. The number of people who have responded to my 'cry for help' post on Facebook about Eldest's schooling has touched and moved me. The number of people who have offered us a place to stay for the night has also been a real gift. While there have been disappointments with folk, there has also been a continuing amazing community of care here for me and the kids. My experience at DMV was so much easier than I expected (Go figure!! the one place I expected things to be hard wasn't. Thanks be to God!). My kids are getting to spend a lot of time with grandparents, which has been good for them - to remember the importance of family and to depend on those loving relationships to see them through. The blue sky and sun have been incredible.  Driving through these hills once again just fills me with a sense of God's amazing hand at work in continued creation.  The sunsets have been beyond compare.  Connecting with friends and community has meant so much to me. And the benefit of Eldest being home schooled is that I will have a lot of special time with a very special girl for another year. She will soon be growing away from me. That is the normal path of teenagers and I expect it.  A little more special time with her will be a gift. It's all about perspective. And staying in the moment.  Each moment.  Each day.  I am thankful for the gifts of this day.  And I hope to learn from the challenges and to grow through them once more.  Gratitude helps a lot.

So for today I am grateful for friends, family, church community, sunshine, warmth, chocolate (of course!), opportunities to learn and grow, my relationship with a loving God, and of course, my three lovely children,

Another week full of opportunities to look for God

       Well, it's been another week full of opportunities to practice what I preach.  Will I see the negative?  Or will I look for God and see the good?  I talk a great deal about how we frame what we experience and I deeply believe that it makes all the difference in the world.  Do we feel like the world is just handing us bad things?  Are we being beaten up?  Or are the challenges that come our way opportunities to grow, learn, and maybe get out of ourselves and focus more on what God wants for and from us, what God calls us to do that would serve God and God's people?  Will life make us bitter and cynical, or will we thrive through the challenges and become better and more whole?
     My somewhat edited and reduced complaint list for this week:  The brand new washer died, the refrigerator died, the cat died, my good friend and helpmate, David, continues to be really sick (over a month now that he has been out of commission), there continue to be the usual struggles at work, we did not have the turn-out for my dream Academy for Dramatic Arts that I'd hoped for (mostly due to problems with our advertising efforts), I simply have not had the time I need to take care of some really necessary issues (like getting the car smog checked), my feet keep cramping up, the car got stuck in the snow in the drive way and I could not get it out....  Again, I am giving you the limited list.
     In light of all that has happened this week alone, it is tempting to move into a "woe is me" attitude.  It is really tempting to rail against God and the Universe for continuing to throw punches my way.  And there is room for that in our faith.  If we look at the psalms, there are a lot of laments, or prayers, hymns and invitations to speak our pain, our frustration, even our anger at God.  There is room and invitation to be the ego-centric people that we are for a few minutes and to yell along with the psalmist, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest." (Psalm 22).  There is room for that.  And I think if we skip this step, the next steps are not very genuine.  So we get to feel our pain, frustration, anger and ego-centrism for a minute.  To lament, to complain, to cry out.
       But the thing is, we don't get to stay there.  Or rather, we are invited to move on from this place because it doesn't help us to stay here.  For me the next steps include a few things.
        First, can I still see the good even in all of what is going on?  Well, of course there is good in the midst of pain. There is ALWAYS good to be found if we just look for it.  The washer was still under warranty.  The fridge had been a pain in the neck for quite a while and now hopefully that is done.  My cat was with us for 18 years which is an amazing time to spend with a pet as affectionate and loving and wonderful as Sabbath was to us.  That's something to celebrate.  When my car got stuck in the driveway, the snow-plow guy just happened along at exactly the right time and was able to help me out.  The refrigerator delivery guy came early enough that I was able to get to my work meeting on time after all.  We had a snow day on Monday which meant I didn't have to worry about meeting a bus while taking one of the other children to her lesson.  And I've had some really important, good, quality time with my kids lately, remembering who we are together as a family, even if I am the only adult in this family.  Our Academy for Dramatic Arts may not have started off with a bang, but it started and can only grow and get better from here on out.    
        Second, what lessons can I learn from all of this?  Well, the biggest is to keep my eyes open for the good and to keep celebrating it.  Another is patience.  A third is to be grateful for what I have because you never know when it won't be there.  At the same time, to not become attached to "things" because they fail us every time.  To be deeply grateful for the good in people, both strangers and friends, who step in and help.  That is a lesson that truly can't be learned deeply enough.  Another is to remember to reach out to people for emotional support as well as practical support.  And finally, a big lesson that I have not achieved learning yet is to step out of ourselves and to remember the big picture that we are not called to focus on our own issues but called to help others.  When we can do that, focusing on others, it usually helps us feel better about our own problems, too.  Which then leads to...
        Third, where is God leading me to help others through all of this?  Well, for one thing, I would like to remind all of you who are in happy, healthy partnerships of what an amazing gift it is to have someone with you to help you on a daily basis.  This is something that is so easy to take for granted. I did when I had that.  But I see now what an amazing, incredible gift it is to have a partner to meet the refrigerator guy when you have to be at work, or a partner to take one kid to their lesson while the other kid needs someone to meet their bus as they come home from school, or a partner to just give you a break when everything is overwhelming, to give you a hug and tell you you are loved even when it feels like you can do nothing right, to rub your foot when it cramps up and help you decide when it is time to go to the doctor, to rock the car while you hit the gas to try to get it out of the snow, to help dig a hole and say a few words over the lost pet. These little things that are part of daily life are just simply a ton and a half more manageable when you have someone to help you, and when you face the hard times holding hands with someone else.  If you have a partner, please try to not take that gift for granted.  I never imagined myself without one.  I knew I was one of the lucky ones who would have a lifetime spent next to a person I loved deeply.  But that was not my reality.  Here I am, and the hole that is left, even after three years, is so big I wonder if it can truly ever be filled.  So what can I give others?  I hope that I can give you all a reminder of the gift that you have in your partner, even when you are going through hard times.  I also hope that as I learn serenity in the face of adversity, that I can model that and share that, too, with those around me.  I also am reminded that my struggles are small compared to some.  So, thinking about others as I face my challenges calls up in me compassion and a deeper desire to serve and help those whose struggles are even bigger.  I am thankful that I have a house during this cold winter, and a place for my kids to sleep, a refrigerator to keep our food from spoiling, pets to comfort us, and friends to turn to in need.  I hope that I can be more intentional about offering care to those who don't have those basic needs.
       That last step, of finding where God is leading us to serve others through all of our journey is a step I think often takes a while to discern, to discover and to put into practice, so I hope as the weeks go by, I will gain more insight.  In the mean time, I will continue to strive to see the good, learn from the challenges, put into the care of others the lessons I've learned, and not spend TOO much time in the lamenting... ;-)

Reframing, Part II

So today I had the opportunity to practice what I preach...
Today was the first Friday (my day off) that the kids are back in school so I was really looking forward to this day.  I would have some alone time - something that I treasure and that is so very rare when one is a single parent of three children while at the same time working full + time in a church.  I couldn't wait for this day.  I had scheduled a massage, planned a walk with a good friend, planned an afternoon nap and was going to then take the new kittens for their first vet appointment.  But when I got in the car to go for my massage, the car wouldn't start.  So....here are two ways to tell this story - both are true, but again, the way the story is told makes all the difference.

Version One:  I really needed this day of rest, relaxation and rejuvenation.  Things have been hard and I desperately needed a day to not work so hard.  I needed some alone time.  I needed to write my sermon for Sunday.  In addition, my bank account has been very stressed this month between paying for the kids' lessons for the fall, all the equipment, vet bills, etc. that go along with three new kittens, school supplies, vacation bills due, expensive house repairs, etc.  I really could not afford to have the car fixed on top of everything else.  I just don't have the money.  So instead of spending the day resting, paying bills, getting the house cleaned, RESTING, working on my sermon, being good to me, I spent most of the day dealing with the car, and was rewarded for that with another bill.  A parishioner came over to do a repair I needed doing, but that too is another expense.  And in the midst of dealing with the car, I also left my wallet at home.  Since I had never been to this car place before, that was thoroughly embarrassing as I knew they would know nothing about my character or that I wasn't out to rob them.

Again, all of that is true.  But here is version two of the same events:
I wanted to leave early for my massage because it is in a place I had never been before.  It turned out this was an amazingly good thing, because when the car then wouldn't start, I had time to call my very good friend who just happened to be available and who is so very generous with her time and resources, who then drove out to my house, gave me her car for the day and walked herself home.  Of all the times for the car to break down, this one was by far the best, being my day off and so I had the day to rearrange and didn't have to be at meetings or taking kids to school (not my carpool day).  Also, as a result of my friend's amazing availability and generosity, I was not even late for the massage.  It was wonderful!  I then drove the car to my friend's house and she joined me in walking back home.  So despite the car situation, I still was able to have both my massage and my walk with my friend.  When I got home another friend was busy replacing closet doors in my house - a very needed repair, which he is willing to do on my schedule, despite the fact that he's had some medical things going on this week!  I called AAA, and they sent someone out to tow the car right away.  Once again, I was blessed by a person who got the battery going and recommended a local place to have the battery replaced for much cheaper than the dealer would have done.  I drove the car out and the place (Sylvester's in Berea) fixed it immediately.  It only cost $135 for both the battery and the installation, and the people there were really kind.  I had forgotten my wallet at home, having taken it out of my purse in order to find my AAA card when I went to call them.  But my amazing friend who had lent me her car earlier in the day was also willing to drive out to my house, pick up my wallet and bring it to me at the car place!!  I got home then in time to take the kittens to the vet.  And while alone time did not happen, I usually end up mildly depressed when I spend too much time alone anyway.  Amazing.  Not the day I expected, but a day filled with the blessings of nice people, helpful people, good friends, a massage, a walk, kittens, kittens, kittens, new closet doors, the smell of lavender (from the massage), and the day is not even finished yet!

Re-framing.  Telling the story differently.  Looking for good, looking for GOD in every moment.  We can choose to do that.  And I am working hard to do that more.  It is more than just seeing the glass half full.  It is envisioning the possibilities for the empty space in the glass.

For me, the possibilities in the glass are not so much "vodka" but more along the line of soda or sparkly water, but you get the idea.  It is not just seeing that something is "half".  It is seeing the joy in making it whole, the opportunities and possibilities present in a space that is not yet committed to anything else, the grace in being invited into a creative process of seeing where and what we can do with where we are and what we are given today, each day.  That is my goal for this day.  That is my hope for each day of my life.  That is a calling we have - to live in gratitude rather than in the darkness of despair.

Reframing - again

      I've been thinking more about how we frame the events in our lives.  This started with a sermon I preached for our Wednesday evening praise service last night.  It was on the story of the vineyard workers - all of whom were paid the same wages even though some only worked an hour while others worked the entire day.  The thing is, if the workers who had worked all day had been paid their wages without knowing that others were being paid the same for less work, they wouldn't have been unhappy.  They were only unhappy as they compared their lot to others.  This is the experience of most of us, I think.  When we look at those worse off, we feel our blessings.  When we look at those we believe to be better off, we feel life is "unfair."  It really depends on where we stand and what we choose to look at or focus on, and how we then "frame" our experience.
      I told this story last evening: when we lived in California, my daughter attended Head-Royce school.  Head-Royce is an outstanding, private school where the kids are not only taught extremely well in all subjects, but where strong and important values of caring for the world, the community and each other are taught.  The kids are taught that they have resources, are privileged and should, therefore, use those resources and that privilege to better the world.  Head-Royce is also extremely expensive to attend.  This year's tuition for a high school kid is $33,525 for the year. We could not have afforded to send her there but for the school's commitment to serve people of all types, including all economic classes and they gave Eldest almost a complete free ride (for which I continue to be extremely grateful!) based on our family's income.  We felt incredibly blessed, incredibly blessed by the quality of the education she was receiving there and by the amazing staff and faculty that were part of her life for those few years.
     However...as I'm sure you can imagine, most of the children attending came from extremely wealthy families.  Keep in mind that a family would usually send all of their children to the school - can you imagine a yearly tuition of over $100,000 to send three children to school?  Well, obviously many can.  Since that is far and above my annual salary, it doesn't really compute with me.  And while I stood in the place of gratitude that she was included in this community, there came a day when Eldest came home from school and said, "Why don't I have a huge, castle-like house to live in? Why don't I have my own pony?  Why aren't we going skiing in France over winter's break?  Why don't I have my own play castle in the backyard, complete with kitchenette and bathroom?  Why don't we have a nanny?  Why are my clothes hand-me-downs? ...etc., etc., etc..."  And I realized that while I was able to compare our situation to those in our neighborhood, in our town, in our community, Eldest was only able to compare herself to those in her daily community, which was these other families at school.
     I think about the challenging situation that our family went through.  So many people, then and now, say to me "You are amazing for continuing with the joy and energy that you still do!  It is incredible that you continue to walk and laugh and move forward and have your being intact in this way, that your faith is still so strong and that you are able to still dream and vision and...."  Well, okay.  They are comparing me to what they have gone through, or what they think "most people" in the United States don't experience.  But I tend to compare myself differently.  I still have all three of my children and they are all healthy, brilliant, beautiful, compassionate, good kids.  I have a beautiful house and neighborhood to live in.  I have work that is meaningful and enjoyable.  I am surrounded by a community, near and far, of absolutely wonderful, deep, faithful, loyal, honest, true and loving friends and family.  I have enough to eat.  Our standard of living has not been decreased by all we experienced.  And I have my faith - a faith in a God who is tangible and present and loving, all the time.  There are people who really suffer - people who live through wars, who suffer hunger, who have no work and don't know how they will care for their families, people who've lost children to horrible events.  My life is not like that.  I am blessed.
     It's all about how we choose to see, what we choose to focus on, and how we frame things.  I could focus on what we went through that was horrible.  Or I can focus on the amazing gifts that came from that time - strength, a deeper connection with God and with many other people, a sense of my own abilities in times of crisis to persevere, a deepened empathy with others who do suffer, experiences that I can write about that hopefully will help other people, and the list continues.
    My children sometimes say, "It's not fair...she got a bigger piece of pie than me."  Yes, we can focus on the fact that our piece of pie is smaller than someone else's.  We can also focus on the gift, the grace, that we have pie at all.  I also hear, "It's not fair!  I work hard and don't get nearly the reward of those other people who don't work nearly as hard as I do".  Yes, we can focus on that.  Or we can focus on the fact that we do have work and that the work we have brings in an income to support us.
     I have found myself re-framing my life experiences repeatedly.  How will I tell my story?  How will I describe the events in my life?  Will I talk about them as tragedies that I have endured?  Or will I talk about how close God was through the challenges in my life?  And how wonderful people were who stood with me, who listened, how gave me hugs and comfort - many of whom still continue to do that?  Will I focus on the friends I lost through the tragedies?  Or will I give thanks to God for the time we had together, and accept that some friendships only last a season or for a reason, while others last a life-time and that the ones that don't last still had value and contributed to my life?  Will I talk about myself as a victim?  Or will I talk about how I grew and was given gifts of understanding, insight, friends, faith, God's presence, that I probably would not have otherwise experienced and that now have made me stronger, better, more whole, more connected?
    It's not that we don't have feelings.  Feelings happen and they just are.  We experience grief, we experience loss, we experience being tired or overworked or overwhelmed, especially when difficult challenges arise.  But we can impact those feelings, or at least how long they last, by what we choose to see, to give our attention to, to make the focus of our lives.
     How do you tell your stories?  How do you allow those stories to define who you are?  We have a lot of choice about that.  Thanks be to God!

Wisdom to Thrive By

We watched the movie, Life of Pi for Faith and Film night this evening.  Wow.  I still need to process through a great deal of it.  But some of the wisdom that struck me the most this evening had to do with how we frame things.  I've talked about this before, but I am more and more convinced that how we frame things, how we tell our stories, how we choose to interpret or put meaning to things makes all the difference in the world.  I'm reading a book called The Beethoven Factor by Paul Pearsall.  He, too, talks about how our ability to thrive (not just survive or recover from pain and trauma) has to do with how we make meaning out of those events in our lives which are hard to bear.  Can we find meaning in these events?  Can we tell our stories (even to ourselves) in such a way that there is life in them?  Hope in them?  Purpose and reason to them?  Can our hard experiences help move us to places where we see and appreciate the beauty and blessings in our lives more fully?  Can those challenging events, traumas, crises help move us to places where we savor and relish the good, even when things are hard or difficult?  If we can reframe the losses in our lives, give them a different story, a different understanding, we can move through them with grace and peace.

For example, we often hear of people doing this when a loved one dies.  Especially if it is a young person, those people who can reframe the loss away from it being senseless, pointless and just evil can usually deal with it better.  Examples of that reframing include "She's in a better place now" (though, personally I really, really dislike this particular reframing), "The life she lived was full and meaningful and she gave all of us so much while she lived it."  "His life was short but densely lived." or the ones I think are the most helpful, "I'm going to use this tragedy to help other people."  That is what the woman who began Mothers Against Drunk Driving did.  She took her own personal tragedy and brought good out of it - good for a great number of people.

This isn't the pop positive psychology that says we can make things happen with our thoughts.  Instead, it is a real positive psychology that says we are in charge of how we take things in, how we make meaning of events in our lives and then how we take that meaning to make our lives stronger, better or more full.

This is the difference between allowing a wound to fester and become infected, or allowing the scarring to build a stronger skin where the damage to the body was done.  When our bones break, they heal together with an increased strength.  Yes, a sign of the original damage may be found - but the sign is a place of great strength, especially if we get help in setting the bones correctly (though this is often painful!) before the bones heal.  The same is true for psychological injuries.  Do we allow them to damage us in such a way that we become the "walking wounded", or do we take the broken places, work to set them right in any way we can, and then build strength from them?  It doesn't mean there aren't scars - there are.  But those scars can be where the deeper strength lies.  And that strength then can help us to build lives that are more full, more whole, more loving and more grace-filled.