More Gardening Lessons

     I continue to be amazed by what my garden has to teach me.  Here are some of the lessons I've been especially focused on recently:

    1.  When I am pulling weeds, if I tug them too hard, they simply break off.  When I am gentle at pulling out each weed, I am often able to pull long and intact roots along with the weed, insuring that at least that particular weed will not grow back. I think the same is true in life.  When we try to fight or force solutions, tugging out our problems or issues, it might look for a time like we have solved the issue.  But we've just broken it off at the soil.  The root of the problem remains and as a result, it will come back, grow back, often stronger and with more force since the roots have had time to continue to grow and strengthen.  I think the current divisions in our country, the strong stance of opposition that each side takes reflects this intractability of the issues.  We have not worked with each other, we have not tried to dig down to understand the different values and beliefs that form each other's viewpoints and choices.  As a result, the roots of each side have continued to grow and develop, unbeknownst to the other side.  The fights, the issues, might be cut off at the base for a time.  But the issues themselves will come back unless there is a deeper dig into what is causing our divide, truly, underneath what we see.  Until we listen, are gentle with each other, and dig down deep into understanding, there can be no movement, no healing, and no solutions to this divide.

    2.  On Saturday, I was sheet mulching under a large tree in our front yard.  I stood up too fast and hit my head, hard, on the tree. Several things had happened: first I was so focused on what was right in front of me that I forgot to take in the bigger picture of what was around me.  I forgot to notice the tree and that failure to see ended up causing me pain. This too is mirrored in our culture.  We get caught up in the little things and sometimes forget to see the big picture.  When that happens, we can again, head down paths that may suit us or serve us for a time, but will not serve us in the long run.  Our need for instant gratification, for wealth, for comfort has caused us to become blind to the damage we are doing to other cultures and to the earth, for example. We stop seeing. We stop feeling.  And in the end, it may kill us all.  

    3. The second thing I learned from the tree incident was that I need to avoid pushing so hard that I become too tired to function properly.  I wanted to get the sheet mulching done.  I'm not comfortable having a load of mulch in my driveway and wanted to move it all to where it would finally be in its place.  But after a couple hours of loading mulch into the wheelbarrow, moving it and then scooping it out and spreading it, I was so tired that I fell twice before finally hitting my head on the tree.  I had been trying to get the mulching done too quickly and that insistence on continuing to work when it was obvious that I was spent just slowed me down in the end.  It also meant that my gardening project stopped being fun and life-giving for me that day.  It became something I was dreading and resenting.  And I'm now angry at the tree that I have loved, despite knowing that actually it was my own fault. Yes, there is value in pushing ourselves farther. But recognizing when we've reached the limit is also important.  We won't reach the finish line if we fall off the track completely in utter exhaustion.  Knowing when to pause, to stop, to rest: these are lessons I should have learned during sabbatical, but apparently need to learn again in a different, and hopefully deeper way. 

    4.  I mentioned this before, but some plants live and others don't.  I'm not ultimately in charge of that.  I can do my best to help them grow, but in the end, all I can do is what is in front of me to do.  The results of my work, the results of the plants growing or dying: that is not in my control. The results are up to so many things that are beyond my control: the plants themselves, the weather, the soil, God. I have to give up the reigns of power when it comes to what thrives in the garden and what does not.  And this applies to all I do.  I can only do what is in front of me to be done.  If it leads to something positive in the world, great.  But even if it doesn't, that's all I can do.  The results are not mine to dictate.

    5.  Gardens take time, and they take intention.  Now that I'm back to working full time, finding the space needed to garden is harder.  Also, as the days get shorter, the options of going out in the early morning hours or the late evening hours are diminishing.  I am needing to be intentional about the things that matter to me.  And this applies not only to my garden but to other areas of my life.  David and I have had a hard time finding time together lately.  My day off is Friday.  His is Saturday. During the week, my evenings are packed with meetings more often than not.  At this point we have to schedule time together, and that needs to be okay.  Marking off those times for us, and marking off those times for my gardening: these are things I need to do.  As I had mentioned in my "lessons from sabbatical", I also need to be intentional about making time for friends, for walking, and for writing.  This is the time of life I am in.  I cannot afford to just hope that time will be available for what I need and want to do.  I have to work at it, and that has to be okay.  If I want my garden to be beautiful, I need to find the time that it needs to become so and to stay so.  I have to prioritize, and be serious in that commitment.

    I love what my garden is teaching me.  And I am working hard to internalize these important life lessons.

Life as a part of a bigger journey.

      When I can step back and really see this life as a trip, as a small step in a larger path, when I can see each mistake as a lesson rather than something that has “changed my life irreparably”, and each moment as an experience rather than a decision that determines the course of my existence irreversibly; then I can relax more about the past, I am more accepting of the present, and I am less anxious about the future.  I can be philosophical about life.  When life is something to be experienced, rather than something to "get right", when I can take this moment and all moments without the seriousness of feeling each thing I do will be somehow unalterable, I can be more comfortable with making “errors”.  I can also be easier on my kids, because I can see their "errors" too as just experiences, opportunities to learn and grow on a path that is slightly different from what it might have been had they chosen differently, but still a worth while path (perhaps even more so), full of it's own adventures, challenges and discoveries.  It is their own journey to make, whatever that may look like, rather than a contest or a struggle against the forces of life with some who win and some who lose and a lot of people who get lost in the middle.  
       Paramahansa Yogandanda said, "Do not take life's experiences too seriously.  Above all, do not let them hurt you for in reality they are nothing but dream experiences.  If circumstances are bad and you have to bear them, do not make them a part of yourself.  Play your part in life but never forget that it is only a role."
       This is really hard to do.  It is really hard to not take life seriously in every moment.  But the result of taking life so seriously is regrets and anxiety and this constant feeling that we are somehow on the wrong path, we have made choices that have put us on the wrong road, we've taken turns and made mistakes that can't be undone.  Again, the other choice is to see it all as experiences.  In that case every mistake really is just a lesson to be learned; a sea of pebbles each to be picked and held for a time rather than a series of roads, only one of which is right and only one of which will lead each of us to "win" this game called life. 
       I think there are a lot of reasons why we get stuck in the "too serious" win/lose game mentality of life.  For one thing, those on the top would promote that vision, with them as the "winners" and the rest of us as losers.  It benefits them to see everything they have done (or that has been done for them) as worth the win that they claim to have done better than others. It helps them feel superior and on top at some level, and that's a nice feeling to have.
       But this other vision of life, as one of experiences and lessons and a sea of pebbles rather than a series of one-way roads allows us to see that every life is valuable, every life is a "win" of experiences, though some may be more joyful experiences and others may be hard.  It also allows for the option of picking a new pebble each day, and of not being "stuck" on the path one has chosen intentionally or through "mistakes".  I think it opens up the possibility of a life creatively lived, as we see more than just the options of staying on the path we are currently on, but instead see options for walking a different way, a unique way, one that leads to pebbles far on the other shore from the experiences we have come to know.
       I saw this posted as I was writing this essay:

       When we are able to see life as a series of experiences and lessons, we are more able to take risks.  For some those risks might include choosing a different career path, going back to school, moving across the country, getting to know someone different, forming new connections.  For me, they also include risking caring "too much", being too kind, offering compassion more often.  I can risk being hurt by others because that, too, is just another experience.  I can risk offering care and resources to others because that, too, is just another experience.  It is a chance to interact with others who have picked up different pebbles and to see what their experiences have been, what the pebbles they have chosen have given them, what a different journey might look like. 
      My goal for today is to breath into each moment as its own, to choose each moment for the experience it has to share, and to live each moment without regret or anxiety about the next.  My hope is that you, too, can find peace in each moment for its own sake.

The writer, the preacher, the person

I've been deeply graced lately by affirmations about my writing and about my preaching that have been soothing balm to this soul who struggles at times. I am so grateful to you who have made those comments, so I want to start just with a simple thank you.  I am grateful that you appreciate what I write, what I preach.  I am grateful when you tell me it caused you to think, or that you felt better having read something I wrote.  I am honored when you share what I've written.  Your words are true gifts to me.  Thank you.

But interestingly, I found myself thinking today about the actors who feel they are loved for their "personna's" and not for who they really are.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that I am genuinely loved by truly amazing and wonderful friends and family.  But I am all too aware that I write from the place of the person I wish to be.  Maybe that sounds odd.  But it is true.  I write from the place of the person I am working to become, hoping to become, wanting to become. That isn't to say that I don't write other things, too.  But I tend to not "publish" the writings that show my most insecure, broken or needy self on my blog.  And I have found that the best sermons I write are the ones that I write to myself. What I mean is, when I am noticing or working on something within me that I know needs to be changed or confronted or improved, I preach about that. I am a person "on the way" as I say in my profile on this page. And that means I get it wrong more often than I'd like, I make mistakes more often than I'd ever want, and I have way too many regrets. Again, as I have often said in my blog, I realize at some level that this is not what we are called to do or be.  We are called to live in forgiveness and grace, not regrets and insecurities.  But I'm deeply human.  Much more than I would like to be, or like to admit.

Anne Lemott says that people heal through their writing.  I think there is deep truth in that.  I work through my stuff often through writing.  It means that only a little of what I write is fit for others to read.  I am jealous of my friend James who manages to publish something on his blog daily that is filled with compassion and grace (see side bar for his blog).  Still, I remain grateful when what you read from me is meaningful to you.

This is one of those occasions when I'm not even sure the point of this particular blog post. Just wanting to own that I'm much more "broken" than I appear here.  And wanting to say thank you for the kind words.  Bless you, dear readers.  You help ease my journey in so many ways!

Sunday's Sermon - To Those who Have

Psalm 1

Matthew 13:10-17

Luke 19: 12-26

               “To those who have, much will be given and to those who have not, even what they have will be taken away.”  This seems like such a cruel statement.  Why would God do this?  Take away from those who have not and give only to those who already have?  I do not believe that this is a statement about what God does.  Those sentences that say things like “God helps those who…” and “God loves those who…” fail to see the amazing grace of God that extends to everyone.  So what then is this about? 

Statements such as “to those who have, much will be given and to those who have not, even what they have will be taken away” are unfortunately very accurate description of the world today.  And I think when Jesus is making these statements, he is pointing out the backwardness of human societies.  Look around you.  The truth is that those who have have a very easy time getting more.  And those who have not have a very hard time getting even their basic needs met.  We know that the rich are getting richer while the poor in our country are getting poorer.  We know this, we hear about it. We probably are unaware of exactly how much this is true, but the medium family income has significantly dropped versus the cost of living over the last few years, the bottom 90% of the people in this country, the bottom 90% have only 23% of the nation’s wealth.  That means the top 10% own 77% of the wealth in this country.  And that gap continues to grow.  The top .1% in this country own 25% of the country’s wealth. This is a significant change in the last few years.  The gap is growing.  And frankly, we probably experience it in our own lives. The more you have to invest, the higher interest you can make on what you invest. The more properties you own, the more likely you can own “one more”.  If you have a lot of money, you get a lower percentage on loans.  The more money you put down on a house, the lower your loan interest percentage.  The faster you are able to pay off a loan, the lower the percentage of interest you need to pay.  It should be the opposite – those who need the loans the most should get a lower percentage so they are more able to actually pay it back, but that’s not how it works. 

I’ve found myself thinking about this in terms of those who have been traumatized by the fire.  Money has been pouring out to help those who’ve lost their homes in the fires.  One website said 1.4 million dollars had been donated just through them.  Another site I saw was a Red Cross website that actually said, “we have as much money as we can handle to help these folk.  If you still want to give money, send it through another organization.  Ironically, the other organization said the same thing in reverse, “we have enough.  Please send it to Red Cross…”  The outpouring around this has been amazing, and a truly wonderful sign of the caring that people can give.  People should step up and they have.  But I have found myself wondering, if we are able to raise this much money in this short a time for the victims of the fires, why are we not able to raise the same amount for those who struggle every day, before the fires and after the fires, to obtain enough to eat?  With the amount of money that has come forward to help those in the fires, we could actually wipe out homelessness in CA and more.  Why are we not doing that?  Why are we not able to eradicate homelessness for the children in our country?  While 40% of the homeless population in the United States are children, the poverty level in our country for all children is 22%.  22% of the children in the United States, which is a higher percentage than in any other industrialized country, are so poor they have trouble finding enough to eat.  22%.  Why can we not raise the same amount of money and give towards programs that target families struggling to get back on their feet as we are for those who’ve lost their homes in these fires?  I think one reason is that poverty is seen as a chronic problem whereas the fire burning houses is seen as a one-time problem.  But also, people become afraid that those who are poor will somehow “misuse” the money given to them whereas we tend to trust those who are “just like us”, people who have homes.  We can sympathize more easily with those who have lost their homes to a fire than those who are on the street because they never had homes in the first place.  We have come to believe that the poor are untrustworthy.  Truthfully, most of us at some level blame the poor for their own poverty, and we treat them as such.  I doubt any of us would hesitate when out to eat with a friend to offer to pay for their meal.  And yet, how hard is it to buy a meal for a person on the street who really needs it? And again, the biblical phrase comes to mind once more:  “To those who have, more will be given, but to those who have little, even what they have will be taken away.”

               I admit, I became especially aware of the reality of the “for those who have more will be given and for those who have not even what they have will be taken away” when we were struggling to find a house out here.  Without an address and without proof of residency I couldn’t even register the kids for school.  I found myself thinking about this many times during the weeks that we were, in essence, homeless.  We blame the poor for their own poverty.  And yet, how do we expect those kids who’ve been raise in homeless situations and therefore can’t even register to go to school to somehow raise themselves out of that poverty?  How, without food or resources or a network of support or education, is that even POSSIBLE?  When we consider that 22% of the children in our country are living in poverty, we also have to recognize that these 22% of our children are uneducated if they are educated at all.

               An example of a different kind.  I have a good friend who struggles with clinical depression.  There are times when she is so down that she cannot get out of bed.  It is during those hard times that she is least likely to get the support she needs from her friends.  She has a harder time reaching out during those times.  But additionally, when she is depressed her friends get tired and depressed being around her.  With mental illness too we tend to blame the victims, not recognizing their need or the ways we could support and help them through it.

               When we look at the international situation, the refugees, those most in need around the world are the ones who again have the hardest time getting what they need.  People and countries become afraid of what the presence of these strangers will do to us, to me, to you and I and they close their doors to those in need.

Where is the Good News in that?                             

Well, as I said before, the God that I know is not a God who makes the poor poorer and the rich richer.  The God I meet in scripture, through Jesus and through those around me is a God who points out this reality in order to change it.  The God I know does not go away, leaving us to use our resources however we will, nor does this God celebrate or even condone the fact that to those who have more is given and to those who have not even what they have is taken away.

  Instead the God I know is a God of love.  The God I meet in Jesus is one who gives and gives, especially to those who lack and are poor. This God does not ask if you are worthy or trustworthy.  This is a God of grace who continues to give and love despite the fact that ALL of us fall short, and ALL of us have areas in which we “have not” or are lacking. The God Jesus talks about never leaves, but is with us always, guiding, holding, comforting us along our paths.  And the God of the Gospels is selfless, even to the point of risking and experiencing death because of us.  And even then that same God’s love does not stop but grows to the point at which it overcomes even death and returns again and again with open arms still full of love, hope, and grace.  The God we worship and trust is the God who invites us and calls us to become a part of creating God’s reign on earth.

And this is where the gospel stories returns.  Because in order to be a part of bringing heaven to earth, we do have to be willing to listen, even when the words are hard, to hear the truth in the parables and stories Jesus shares with us.  In order to be a piece of God’s kingdom, we have to trust God, depend on God, use what we have been given to serve in gratitude the God who gave us everything!  God’s kingdom is here and now.  But we are called to be part of ushering that in. 

When we choose, like the slave with the one talent in Luke’s story, to see God as greedy and punishing, we exclude ourselves from the life God offers us. Fearing that we will lose all, we take no risks.  We imprison ourselves when we choose not to see God’s light, God’s miracles, God’s beauteous renewing of creation every day.

The slaves with the ten pounds and five pounds saw and believed in a master who was loving and good.  They risked because they trusted.  And in return, they found the love they expected, they were met by a generous master, and they shared in God’s kingdom.  The slave with the one talent didn’t just have less.  He chose to see and believe in a harsh master and in fear he lost everything.

As loving and merciful as God is, this is a choice we make.  Do we choose to hide and protect what we have, believing in an angry, jealous, harsh God?  Or do we see the God of love who has given us everything we have and out of gratitude do we then help bring about the kingdom of God for ourselves and those around us?  Do we offer those in need the things they need, giving more to those who have not than those who have?  From a place of trust and faith then we can risk offering a homeless person food, we can stop and say a kind word to someone who is alone, we can take a few minutes to listen to someone’s story.  Out of our abundance, we can be part of creating a world of abundance, even out of nothing.

That’s not to say it’s easy.  From those who have, much is expected.  We who have are expected to give more in order to fully be part of God’s kingdom.  It is also not to say that bad things won’t happen.  God is not a magic fairy whom you can pray to and expect to have your wishes granted.  God is generous, but God doesn’t stop the world from playing out, often with bad things.  But God is present with us, holding us, loving us in the midst of those challenging times and situations.  And God calls us to be part of creating the kingdom on earth with the resources and gifts we have: God calls us, invites us to be part of this no matter what is going on in our lives.

A young boy and his grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.  The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged God to return her beloved grandson.  Amazingly, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.  The grandmother looked the boy over carefully.  He was fine.  But still she stared up angrily towards the heavens.  “When we came,” she snapped indignantly, “he had a hat!”

Which God do we see?  The God who saved the child?  Or the God who did not rescue the boy’s hat?  Which world do we choose to be a part of?  A world in which everyone else is out to get us and we just have to hold on and take care of our own?  Or a world in which, when we share and give and love, God gives back ten fold?  God invites us to be part of God’s new and glorious creation.  God hopes for us to trust, and love and live and be joyful.  God calls us to be God’s heaven on earth and to share it with others.

We pray, God, that a little at a time, you would lead us to risk and enter the kingdom which you have prepared for us and which is, by your great grace and love, all around us, all the time. Amen.

The gift of my friend

Another hard day.  House closing has been delayed, and delayed, and delayed - until today.  But it won't happen, again.  Seller is done with this, which is understandable.  Which means that schooling for kids is still tenuous.  And it means still not having our stuff, and still having our poor kitties in a kennel.  And it means still sleeping in other people's houses, trying to be careful with other people's things.  And it means still feeling displaced, homeless, and unsettled, to say the least.  This has gone on for a month and a half.  That's a long time to be "homeless" and it is hard.  The house in Ohio is not selling, which is part of why our lender doesn't want to loan us money for a house out here. And there is not one thing I can do about that. I've put it to the universe.  I've put it out to God (though I don't think God micro-manages house sales).  But otherwise, there is nothing that can be done.  I put a ton of money into fixing it up, did a lot of work on it myself. But now I am in CA and there is simply no more to be done.

It is hard on the kids who don't know if they are coming or going, don't know when they will have their stuff or access to their cats (who are NOT doing well in the kennel), don't know where they will be attending school this next week or next month.

I continue to try to take everything a day at a time.  I continue to try to look for the things to be grateful for in each moment.  I continue to try to focus more on my work and caring for my kids than on the lack of housing or even the future and what it might, or might not, hold.  But there are too many moments lately when I just want to rail at God, "Where ARE you?  What is it that I'm supposed to be learning here?  I know 'this too shall pass' but the last 4 1/2 years have been HARD and frankly, I'm ready for something different. My KIDS are ready for something different!  Do you really want these experiences to define who they are and how they relate to the world?  Where ARE you?!"

And then...

Today, in the middle of a good long cry, I got a call from a very dear friend who I don't talk to but once every few months.  He is someone I respect and value so deeply for who he is, and what he gives to the world and all those he encounters on a daily basis.  I value him for all he has given to me, personally, over the years - the wisdom, the centering, a model for how to be in the world (he is a fighter who has stood up to injustice in concrete and impressive ways), and his constant, unwavering friendship.  He lives in New Mexico, so our contact over the last 23 years has pretty much been restricted to these occasional phone calls.  Still, I have found that his timing is consistently uncanny. He seems to always call exactly when I need to hear from him.  Today was such a day.  Before I could even launch into all of my woes and struggles, he told me he'd been reading my blog and was really impressed by my ability to hold on to gratitude and reflection in difficult times.  He said he felt I'd grown in my ability to be compassionate as well and he saw me continuing to mature and truly deepen through the struggles I'd been through.  He said I modeled all of that for him.  Huh.

My first response was to feel shame.  I wasn't feeling gratitude or compassion in the moment he had called me.  I'd just been feeling sorry for myself, frustrated with the world, "picked on" by the universe.  I wasn't acting particularly mature, I was crying in my office at work.  I wasn't feeling strong or deep, I was feeling like a 5 year old kid who just wanted to be held and told that it would all be okay.

But he is not a "shaming" person.  It wasn't his intention for me to feel that way.  And so that feeling passed pretty quickly and I was left instead with the reminder that what I feel in the moment is not the totality of my being.  What we all feel in this moment is not all of who we are.  What we are experiencing in this moment - not only will it pass, but even in this moment it is not all of who we are.  It is a glimpse, it is a moment, it is a breath in a life time of breaths and moments and glimpses, all of which make up who we are, and who we will become.  Even when we don't feel God's strong loving arms surrounding us, that too is a moment, a glimpse, a breath in which we are not letting go and relaxing into the love that holds us through it all, even when it does not feel like it does.

God was there for me today...in my friend, John.  Thank you, John, for being that face of God for me today when I needed it.  Thank you for reminding me that I am more than I feel I am in those hard moments.  Thank you for showing me that love is still there even when I feel alone.  Thank you - for being one of the angels in my life each day, and especially today.

Another week full of opportunities to look for God

       Well, it's been another week full of opportunities to practice what I preach.  Will I see the negative?  Or will I look for God and see the good?  I talk a great deal about how we frame what we experience and I deeply believe that it makes all the difference in the world.  Do we feel like the world is just handing us bad things?  Are we being beaten up?  Or are the challenges that come our way opportunities to grow, learn, and maybe get out of ourselves and focus more on what God wants for and from us, what God calls us to do that would serve God and God's people?  Will life make us bitter and cynical, or will we thrive through the challenges and become better and more whole?
     My somewhat edited and reduced complaint list for this week:  The brand new washer died, the refrigerator died, the cat died, my good friend and helpmate, David, continues to be really sick (over a month now that he has been out of commission), there continue to be the usual struggles at work, we did not have the turn-out for my dream Academy for Dramatic Arts that I'd hoped for (mostly due to problems with our advertising efforts), I simply have not had the time I need to take care of some really necessary issues (like getting the car smog checked), my feet keep cramping up, the car got stuck in the snow in the drive way and I could not get it out....  Again, I am giving you the limited list.
     In light of all that has happened this week alone, it is tempting to move into a "woe is me" attitude.  It is really tempting to rail against God and the Universe for continuing to throw punches my way.  And there is room for that in our faith.  If we look at the psalms, there are a lot of laments, or prayers, hymns and invitations to speak our pain, our frustration, even our anger at God.  There is room and invitation to be the ego-centric people that we are for a few minutes and to yell along with the psalmist, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest." (Psalm 22).  There is room for that.  And I think if we skip this step, the next steps are not very genuine.  So we get to feel our pain, frustration, anger and ego-centrism for a minute.  To lament, to complain, to cry out.
       But the thing is, we don't get to stay there.  Or rather, we are invited to move on from this place because it doesn't help us to stay here.  For me the next steps include a few things.
        First, can I still see the good even in all of what is going on?  Well, of course there is good in the midst of pain. There is ALWAYS good to be found if we just look for it.  The washer was still under warranty.  The fridge had been a pain in the neck for quite a while and now hopefully that is done.  My cat was with us for 18 years which is an amazing time to spend with a pet as affectionate and loving and wonderful as Sabbath was to us.  That's something to celebrate.  When my car got stuck in the driveway, the snow-plow guy just happened along at exactly the right time and was able to help me out.  The refrigerator delivery guy came early enough that I was able to get to my work meeting on time after all.  We had a snow day on Monday which meant I didn't have to worry about meeting a bus while taking one of the other children to her lesson.  And I've had some really important, good, quality time with my kids lately, remembering who we are together as a family, even if I am the only adult in this family.  Our Academy for Dramatic Arts may not have started off with a bang, but it started and can only grow and get better from here on out.    
        Second, what lessons can I learn from all of this?  Well, the biggest is to keep my eyes open for the good and to keep celebrating it.  Another is patience.  A third is to be grateful for what I have because you never know when it won't be there.  At the same time, to not become attached to "things" because they fail us every time.  To be deeply grateful for the good in people, both strangers and friends, who step in and help.  That is a lesson that truly can't be learned deeply enough.  Another is to remember to reach out to people for emotional support as well as practical support.  And finally, a big lesson that I have not achieved learning yet is to step out of ourselves and to remember the big picture that we are not called to focus on our own issues but called to help others.  When we can do that, focusing on others, it usually helps us feel better about our own problems, too.  Which then leads to...
        Third, where is God leading me to help others through all of this?  Well, for one thing, I would like to remind all of you who are in happy, healthy partnerships of what an amazing gift it is to have someone with you to help you on a daily basis.  This is something that is so easy to take for granted. I did when I had that.  But I see now what an amazing, incredible gift it is to have a partner to meet the refrigerator guy when you have to be at work, or a partner to take one kid to their lesson while the other kid needs someone to meet their bus as they come home from school, or a partner to just give you a break when everything is overwhelming, to give you a hug and tell you you are loved even when it feels like you can do nothing right, to rub your foot when it cramps up and help you decide when it is time to go to the doctor, to rock the car while you hit the gas to try to get it out of the snow, to help dig a hole and say a few words over the lost pet. These little things that are part of daily life are just simply a ton and a half more manageable when you have someone to help you, and when you face the hard times holding hands with someone else.  If you have a partner, please try to not take that gift for granted.  I never imagined myself without one.  I knew I was one of the lucky ones who would have a lifetime spent next to a person I loved deeply.  But that was not my reality.  Here I am, and the hole that is left, even after three years, is so big I wonder if it can truly ever be filled.  So what can I give others?  I hope that I can give you all a reminder of the gift that you have in your partner, even when you are going through hard times.  I also hope that as I learn serenity in the face of adversity, that I can model that and share that, too, with those around me.  I also am reminded that my struggles are small compared to some.  So, thinking about others as I face my challenges calls up in me compassion and a deeper desire to serve and help those whose struggles are even bigger.  I am thankful that I have a house during this cold winter, and a place for my kids to sleep, a refrigerator to keep our food from spoiling, pets to comfort us, and friends to turn to in need.  I hope that I can be more intentional about offering care to those who don't have those basic needs.
       That last step, of finding where God is leading us to serve others through all of our journey is a step I think often takes a while to discern, to discover and to put into practice, so I hope as the weeks go by, I will gain more insight.  In the mean time, I will continue to strive to see the good, learn from the challenges, put into the care of others the lessons I've learned, and not spend TOO much time in the lamenting... ;-)