From "Fight" to "Friend"

     Today in my good news e-mag I saw an article about a new cancer breakthrough where cancer cells are "re-taught" to be normal cells rather than cancerous cells.  This is a huge breakthrough for many reasons but it also caused me, once again, to reflect on the deeper lessons being learned.  

    As humans, we appear to tend towards violence in all areas of our life.  When someone is nasty to us, we often will fight back, at least verbally, or up the ante, returning evil for evil.  When there are problems in the world, rather than negotiating or talking, we often jump into war, into fighting.  When we have problems within ourselves, we talk about fighting - fighting the demons within or fighting the addiction, or fighting with our own anger.  As I've written about many times, when someone does something wrong in our society, we "fight" or seek to harm them in return with retributive justice prison sentences, too.  And with our diseases: we fight disease by trying to "kill" it.  

    Does it work?  Not so well, in any of these situations.  Might does not equal right, so our wars don't always favor the right.  Those who go to a punishing prison usually end up entrenched in their lives of crime.  The addictions and inner problems we fight with tend to just fight back.  And even the diseases we fight by killing what is within usually do more damage to us in the end.  The things we use to kill diseases kill us as well.  

    I actually believe that this is a metaphor for all of life: in trying to kill what we deem to be the "other", whether it is a disease or issue within us or an "enemy" without, we end up destroying or damaging ourselves as well.  

    There are alternatives and we are just beginning to really figure those out.  Restorative justice is a much better approach in terms of our legal system, for example: bringing healing to all those involved in a situation where a crime has happened, rather than an escalating revenge/punishment.  This is true in our raising of children as well: when we yell at our kids, they aren't as able to hear, to learn.  But when we work with them, seeing the mistakes as invitations for learning, invitations for growth, not only is the growth more permanent and effective, but it builds their self esteem as well.  If we were to learn to talk to each other rather than going to war, relationships and lives would not be torn apart or ended in the name of justice.  

    I loved the children's book series, "The Secrets of Droon" by Tony Abbott.  One of the things I loved most about this series, was that the children were not encouraged or taught to kill the "bad guys."  Instead, they were encouraged to understand them, and to grow with them so that those "bad guys" might be met with enough compassion that they would change.  We have the same opportunites throughout our lives in all areas.

    I've seen a person screeming at someone else about something who was met with patience and an open heart, and as a result they calmed down, were able to be rational and to have real conversations, moving from stances of enemies across a line to friends, working together to solve a problem. I saw my own son, as a kindergartener, make the decision to befriend a kid who bullied everyone.  My son was able to change the stance of the other child by doing so, and as a result, the "bully" was finally able to ask for the help he needed, learning to trust that not everyone was against him, that some were truly there who would love and care for him, even when he told the truth about what had been happening in his home life.

    I've also experienced people trying to fight off the grief and pain within their own hearts who, when encouraged instead to befriend that pain and grief, were able to truly work it through and therefore to let it move through them and out. It is a different way to approach our inner struggles and pain, but an effective way to really work through and come out the other side.  When we fight our inner problems, the best we can hope for is to suppress them.  But when we befriend our shadow side, we can learn and grow together until we are changed for the better.

    This new way of approaching cancer is incredibly hopeful to me.  It recognizes that change, rather than destruction, is a better way to deal with cancers of all kinds, within our bodies and within our lives.

    

We must do things differently!

     Today as I was driving back to church after a meeting, I was stopped at a red light and noticed a very skinny and very dirty homeless man who clearly had some mental health issues, standing on the side of the road staring at his fingers and talking to them.  

    Suddenly a police officer drove through the red light, stopping in the middle of the street.  He jumped out, grabbed the homeless man, threw him on the ground, kneeled on his back and grabbed his arms in a way that I am certain broke at least one of them, screaming at him the whole time and eventually handcuffed him.  I swear, if the light hadn’t changed, I would have been able to video at least the end of this unfortunate encounter. I couldn’t believe it. Or rather, I could believe it but the fact that this behavior still continues is utterly baffling to me. This was a 6 lane road, so there were many of us who saw this, but the officer didn’t care and didn’t think he’d be challenged or corrected, probably because, again, this was a homeless and mentally ill person: someone many feel it is okay to reject and to treat like they are sub-human.

    Someone reading this might say that I had no idea what proceeded that and they would be right.  Nonetheless, this man was not putting up any resistance at all, he was laying on the ground crying in pain but not fighting this officer at all. He had nothing on him, nothing with him, nothing that could have been damaging or threatening.  There was no reason at all why this officer could not have talked to him politely, asked him questions, taken him gently in, if that is what needed to happen.

    When will we start caring about people enough to take seriously that this kind of behavior from the people who are supposed to “protect” us does not, in fact, protect us, but instead creates a society of violence, retribution, vengeance and fear? This behavior will never lead us to remember that we are all connected, and that those people we dismiss as “other” and “not worthy” are our siblings: they belong to us, and we have a responsibility to care for them, to HELP them, rather than harm them more.  

    I keep thinking of a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenging it?”  She said that a long time ago, but have we moved any closer at all to true understanding, compassion, and caring for one another?

    Our Old Testament law of “an eye for an eye” was supposed to mitigate the amount of retaliatory damage we could inflict on the other.  Jesus took it even further, “I say to you, do NOT return evil for evil!”  So many people claim to believe and yet I know very, very few who really want to help those who do damage rather than try to avenge them.

    The truth is that our retaliatory responses make nothing better.  Our punishments do not lessen the amount of crime in our society.  I’ve written about this before so I will not go into the details here.  But this doesn’t work.  Restorative justice DOES.  It goes so much further in terms of changing people for the better so that crimes are not repeated and people can re-enter society better and more able to be well-functioning and contributing individuals.  

    This has to begin with what we see as acceptable responses by our law enforcement to those they don’t like or those with whom they are angry.  Being okay with the way police abuse even those we reject has to stop.  And it has to stop with us.  

Thieves and Scammers

  For Christmas this year, we received a number of gift cards.  Almost all had been purchased at Safeways around the country, and all of them had been tampered with.  All had already been used, all had been “scammed” in that someone had gone into the store, scanned the numbers on the cards, put them back into the envelopes so that once they were “activated” they were picked up immediately and put into someone else’s account.  The amount of money lost in this way to us personally ended up being around $500.  That was just in our own family.  I wonder how many other people lost money in this way, and I wonder how much money others were able to obtain by “stealing” these gift cards in this way.

Then, after Christmas, we ordered some supplies from Walmart using a bonus card David had received from his work.  (We don’t usually buy from Walmart, but again, this was a card we were given). This card was delivered digitally and so it “worked” for us in that we were able to order the supplies using the card to pay for them.  However, we received a notification that they had been delivered to our house at a specific time, and they never were. The total spent was about $100.  Fortunately, we now have REO cameras installed and we could see that no one had stolen anything from our porch: these items were simply not delivered, despite the company saying they were.  My guess is that these were stolen by the delivery person, though it is possible that they were delivered to the wrong address.  Either way, when we have packages wrongly delivered to us, we take them to the right address.  The fact that this never happened makes it clear that someone took something that was not theirs at some point in the process of delivery.  On another note, we tried to follow through with Walmart as well as the gift card companies.  David spent probably 10 hours on this, but Walmart made it impossible to contact them or to file a complaint. We still tried, not that this will make any difference.  Walmart is a billion-dollar company who does not care about the little amount we lost and will suffer no consequences for failing to make it right. (This is just one of the many reasons we don’t normally shop there!)   

I have several thoughts about all of this.  The first is that scammers and thieves seem to be more numerous than ever, at least in the United States, at this point in time.  Why?  Perhaps it is the general depression, anxiety and despair that so many are feeling that leads them to stop caring about morality or doing what’s right.  Perhaps it is the rising hatred and anger that is also leading to these choices.  Perhaps it is the huge increase in poverty that we are experiencing, the swallowing up of the middle class as the rich become richer and more greedy. Maybe it is that it is so easy to steal in these ways, and there is little consequence to doing so.  It is difficult to find those who have stolen packages, and the police generally won’t waste their time on small thefts or small vandalisms, even as they add up.  We know this because our church has had a number of thefts as well as vandalism lately and the police have admitted that they will not act until the amount stolen or the damage done in each instance is over $1000.   Whatever the cause, if you plan to give gifts this year, I’d encourage you to think through how you choose to do that, considering ways your gifts might be scammed and perhaps choosing the old-fashioned route of purchasing the gift itself and delivering it directly to the recipients.

My second thought was to remind myself that while we “lost” a total of about $600, that all of it was from gifts, things we did not earn, things we did not save for, money that was not expected or needed.  We have enough.  We have always had enough.  My own theology says that nothing we own is ours, anyway.  All of it is lent to us by God to use for the good of all people.  And while it is not ideal that it is scammers who took the money and the items we ordered, perhaps they are people who needed those resources.  I don’t know, and I never will.  The point is that this is something I need to let go of.  The things we received that didn’t work and the things we didn’t receive were gifts.  And it is the energy and care that went into the choosing of gifts and the giving of gifts that matters, not the receiving of more things that we don’t need anyway.

My final thought is that I feel like our lack of connection to others is also a huge part of the issue.  We have forgotten that we belong to one another, that we are deeply connected, that we are all children of God and as such siblings to one another, and that what effects one of us, at some deep level effects all of us.  The more that we can practice our connectionality and the more we can be kind to one another, even those who are very different from us, even those who we don’t necessarily agree with or like, the more we can change the world for the better.  Also, it is harder to scam people when you have come to care about them. I am reminded that it is my job to get to know those people I don’t usually interact with, including delivery people and the shady people I might see in the grocery store.  It is my job to get to know the unhoused persons who are damaging our church, to talk to them and find out their stories.  It is my job to tear down the walls that protect me from others and to reach across them to make connections instead.  This is our job as human beings.  It might not make a difference today, it might not change the number of scammers who are out there tomorrow.  But I have to believe that each effort for good that we choose matters in the world, and that all our efforts for good can add up, just as all the efforts that do damage have been adding up as of late.  It has to start with me.  It has to start with you.  And it has to start today.

A Moment of Kindness??

     Last week I was walking with the two young adults who are currently at home.  We were stopped at the corner of a busy intersection waiting for the light to change, when a car full of teenagers also stopped at the light.  One of the young men in the back seat of the car called out to us, "Hello!"  

    I said "Hello," in response.  

    He then said, "You're beautiful!" to which I responded, "Thank you.  So are you!" and then the light changed and we all moved on.

    My youngest turned to me and said, "Mom, he was being sarcastic and mean."  

    I said, "How do you know that?"

    "I know it because he is the same age as the kids at my school and that's how they are."

    Hm.  Perhaps my daughter did not believe a teenage boy could possibly think I was beautiful. Perhaps the boy was referring to my two kids when he said, "you are beautiful," in which case, the "thank you" still held for me: "thank you for seeing the beauty in my progeny."  Still, I would be lying if I said that the same thought that maybe he was just being sarcastic and mean had not crossed my mind as well.  Perhaps when they drove off they all had a good laugh.  Maybe. But several things occur to me.  

    First of all, we can't paint everyone, including boys of a certain age, with the same brush.  It isn't healthy for us to stereotype or prejudge others.  Assuming others' motives is not helpful for anyone.  

    Secondly, once again I had a choice about how to see or frame this situation.  I could have chosen to be hurt by his "meanness."  I could have chosen to discount him as "just a kid being unkind because that's what boys of a certain age do when they are with their friends."  Or I could choose, as I did, to be bolstered and uplifted by the kind words of a stranger.  There is a wise 12-step saying, "It's none of my business what you think of me."  What is my business is how I am treated and how I choose to respond to the treatment that comes my way.  I choose to take kindness at face-value and to appreciate those moments when good is offered by strangers, whatever the thinking behind it might be.

    Finally, I was saddened by my youngest child's cynical view of the world.  I asked her, "So, are all your friends at school mean like that?"

    "Well, no," she said.

    "Then why would you assume that these kids were being mean?"

    "Well, my friends would not have said anything to a stranger."

    "Then that is their loss, isn't it?  If you have an opportunity for kindness, I would hope that you and your friends would take it, even if that moment of kindness is being offered to a stranger."

    I am troubled by this conversation.  Are we raising cynical children who expect unkindness, maybe especially from their peers?  Perhaps her expectation protects her when cruelty comes.  But also, sometimes people rise to the level of expectation.  And if we expect our teenage boys, in particular, to be cruel won't that expectation inevitably encourage them to be just that?  What if, instead, we expected them to be polite, respectful, to go the extra mile to be kind?  

    As I have often said, I believe we tend to project out onto others our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  So my conversation with Youngest continues.  I want her to take the opportunities to uplift all those around her, even strangers.  Perhaps if it were habitual in her own behavior, she would not be so cynical about expecting others to behave in the same way.  

    My youngest may be right and again, the boy in the car may have been having a laugh at my expense.  But I do not choose to be brought down by that.  Instead, I choose to take in the words, "You are beautiful" from a stranger and to pass them back, "So are you!"  It made my day brighter, regardless of my daughter's interpretation.  

Jesus, the Unexpected

John 4:1-42

Psalm 42:1-3

Today we hear the story of the woman at the well.  It is a very familiar story, but I want to dig into the context just a little bit more for us today.  In this time of Jesus, the division between peoples, in particular between the Jews and Samaritans was very much like the growing divisions that we are seeing in our own country.  It was a time of great anxiety, just like it is now, and it was a time, just like now, when it was clear who “the enemy” was for any group of people.  Everyone knew which “side” of things they were on.  And they “KNEW” that the others were wrong.  This was so much the case that in today’s passage we read, in verse 9: “The Samaritan woman asked, ‘Why do you, a Jewish man, ask for something to drink from me, a Samaritan woman?’ (Jews and Samaritans didn’t associate with each other.)”  There was so much animosity that people simply did not cross the lines.  They did not associate with each other, they did not talk to each other.  And yet, here was Jesus talking to the Samaritan woman.  And the woman, to her credit, talked back.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: we forget that we belong to one another.  We forget that we BELONG to one another.  You know that question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”  For people of faith the answer is, always, “YES.”  

I found myself remembering when we had our first “crossing the differences” conversation here.  And it was about low-income housing and rent control.  One of our visitors who attended that meeting made the comment, “I find no reason at all why we should take care of people who can’t take care of themselves.  We subsidize them whenever there is low-income housing.  The rest of us are subsidizing them.”  And I found myself thinking, once again, that this is the core difference between our culture and what our faith calls us to do and be.  We are absolutely called to care for those who “can’t take care of themselves.”  God never asks the question of whether or not their care is deserved.  NEVER.  Jesus, when he offers healing, and help, and food, NEVER asks about whether or not it is deserved.  Instead, God’s question is always about what the other needs.  As people with families we understand this.  If our child were hungry, it would never be a question on our mind to ask if they deserved to eat that day or if they deserved to have a warm bed to sleep in.  We provide because they are our family and we love them.  We provide because they belong to us and we belong to them.  That call to remember that everyone else is our brother, is our sister, belongs to us, that is our call as people of faith.  

Outside of faith, that man with his comment was correct: there is no reason, outside of our love for God that calls us to love all of God’s children, all of God’s people, there is no reason.  But inside the bounds of our faith, there is, in fact, no option to fail to offer care, no option to fail to serve, to care, or to love.

As you all know, a group of us have been part of a belong circle now for about eight months.  This is a group of women from our church and a group of women from an African American congregation who meet together twice a month for the purpose of remembering that we belong to one another.  We share with one another where we are, what we are doing, our joys, our hopes, our dreams, our struggles, our pains.  We have come to love each other deeply.  Personally, I also feel that I have learned and grown so much from their example.  One of the women in our group, for example, is struggling with great unkindness coming her direction.  But her commitment to being kind to those who are treating her so unfairly and even, at times, cruelly, moves me every single time that I listen to her.  She understands at a deep place that people are unkind because they are hurting.  So she prays for them, she responds to their attacks with listening, with apology, with words of humility.  She touches and amazes me every day.  She lives out the understanding that despite differences, we belong to one another.  

I was reminded recently of a story called the “Law of the Garbage Truck”.  The person who wrote it said, “One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.  So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.' He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.  As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, So ... Love the people who treat you right. Pray for those who don’t.”

The thing here is, Jesus did not change his mind in talking with the Samaritan woman.  He still said in this passage from John, “You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews.”  He still has his same understanding.  But he does not then choose to hold her differences of belief and understanding against her.  He does not avoid her because her worldview is different.  He does not shun her or reject her.  He does not choose hate, despite what other Jews are doing, in the face of their differences.  Instead, he invites her close, he offers her life, he talks to her.  And in so doing, he breaks down walls rather than building them up.  And he crosses differences instead of upholding animosity.  He chooses connection over division.  

I’m reminded of a poem by Yehuda Amichai called, The Place Where We Are Right 

From the place where we are right 

Flowers will never grow 

In the spring. 

The place where we are right 

Is hard and trampled 

Like a yard. 

But doubts and loves 

Dig up the world 

Like a mole, a plow. 

And a whisper will be heard in the place 

Where the ruined

House once stood.

Or as Wayne Dyer said it, “When given the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind.” 

The Priest and spiritual leader, Richard Rohr, said it this way: “Henceforth, it is not "those who do it right go to heaven later," but "those who receive and reflect me are in heaven now." This is God's unimaginable restorative justice. God does not love you if and when you change. God loves you so that you can change. That is the true story line of the Gospel.”

Or, as the author of the book, When Breath become Air, Paul Kalanithi says, “The main message of Jesus, I believed, is that mercy trumps justice every time.”

As I listen to those words I find myself wondering, once again, if we can’t work harder to do the same.  Can we learn to love one another, across our differences, despite our differences, with the hope of creating a society where we understand and remember that we belong to one another?  Can we be the people that we are called to be?  People of grace, of light, of compassion, of LOVE?  

When my son was coming home for Christmas from UAF, I was worried about how he was going to get to the airport.  The school has a shuttle service around campus and downtown so I emailed them and asked if they would be running kids the airport for Christmas break.  The person in charge said he did not believe so (most of the kids live in AK and don’t need that transportation), but if I let him know what time Middle needed to travel, they would come get him and take him.  I sent them back a note saying that was very kind and could I pay them for it.  His response, “no need.  This is the right thing to do.”  I was truly blown away.  But the fact that this kindness caught me so by surprise is a warning sign to me of the state of our nation.  We should always be that kind to one another, all the time.  The fact that it is rare?  We need to work harder to make it less so!

Someone said recently to me, “I don’t worry about putting the Christ back into Christmas.  I worry about putting the Christ back into Christians.”  We are to be known by our love.  Do we live that out?  Do we take that seriously?  We don’t need to pound on each other about our different beliefs, our different viewpoints, our different approaches to the world.  We need to treat one another with the same compassion, love and care that Jesus showed to the woman at the well.  Even his disciples couldn’t grasp it, so I know how hard this is.  Even his disciples struggled to understand why he would talk to a Samaritan, why he would talk to a WOMAN.  But he did it none the less.  Can we do the same with those with whom we disagree?  

Connie Schultz said it this way, “I learned that those who are most secure in their faith feel no need to hammer others with their certainty.  The walk of faith begins and ends with the journey within, and that’s a path fraught with mystery and best guesses.  My own faith makes me neither right nor righteous because it demands so much of me that I am still trying to find.  Empathy, forgiveness, compassion – I never have enough.  Mom would say that’s okay.  She taught me that being a Christian meant fixing ourselves and helping others, not the other way around.” – Life Happens p214

On this the week we begin Black History month in the U.S., I want to end with one more quote.  This one is from Erna Kim Hackett.  She wrote, “White Christianity suffers from a bad case of Disney Princess theology.  As each individual reads Scripture, they see themselves as the Princess in every story.  They are Esther, never Xerxes or Haman.  They are Peter, never Judas.  They are the woman anointing Jesus, never the Pharisee.  They are the Jews escaping slavery, never Egypt.  For citizens of the most powerful country in the world, who enslaved both Native and Black people, to see itself as Israel not Egypt when studying Scripture, is a perfect example of Disney Princess Theology.  And it means that as people in power, they have no lens for locating themselves rightly in Scripture or society – and it has made them blind and utterly ill-equipped to engage issues of power and injustice.  It is some very weak Bible work.”  

No doubt.  My invitation to us, then, is to accurately locate ourselves, not so that we are weighed down with shame: shame is immobilizing and unhelpful.  But so, instead, that we can take the history that is ours, learn from it, and make different choices together.  Will we walk forward hand in hand, or will we isolate and estrange one another.  Will we confront the issues of racism and other isms by separating ourselves into camps of us vs. them?  Or will we work hard to talk together, get to know one another and build relationships together?

The Belong Circle program is a program of crossing differences and building relationships.  Outsiders to the group have asked me on many occasions, “What’s the point?  What are you accomplishing together?  What difference are you making?”  But I can tell you the difference that I’m seeing.  We are no longer strangers to one another.  We are sisters in our group.  And for my sister, I would be willing to stand up, to protect, to speak out against injustice, against racism and prejudice.  When my siblings of color were just an anonymous group of people struggling, I still wanted wholeness and healing for them.  But it is not the same as when I know them, love them, have faces and names put to those I am defending.  That is a whole other matter.  The Belong Circle invites us to truly get to know each other.  We are starting a new circle this month and I hope that you will truly consider joining.  Let me know if you would like to be a part.  It may feel like a small step forward, but in my experience it is not.    

The same is true about forming real relationships with people who disagree with you on political issues. Form those relationships with people who disagree, talk to them.  Remember that despite our differences, they are your brothers, sisters and siblings.  They belong to you, and you belong to them.  Am I my siblings keeper?  Just as Jesus answered “yes” in his conversation with the woman at the well, we are called to follow and do the same.  All that easy and all that hard.

"I'm just being honest"

     I love that phrase, "I'm just being honest."  I equally love the phrase, "I'm just speaking my truth".  Please note the heavy sarcasm in my comments.  These are two phrases that are used to justify cruelty.  Somehow, as a culture, we believe that honesty and the integrity of being one's genuine self are acceptable excuses for truly unkind, hurtful words.  But really, are they?

    It's not that people don't need feedback.  And it's not that people don't need to hear hard truths.  We all can grow, we all can learn, we all have blind spots in our self-understanding that mean that the constructive feedback of others can help us move forward on our journeys.  Seeing things in a new way, learning how things we have been part of or have done might have caused damage: these are important lessons for all of us.  But please notice that I used the word "constructive" when I talked about feedback.  Attacking someone's personality or saying things in a way that is simply negative is not constructive.  Those comments are seldom truly heard in a way that can communicate something helpful to a person and it is extremely rare that a person can grow from mean comments.  There are ways we can communicate truths that do help people to grow, to learn, and to move.  

    Bottom line: when people say "I'm just being honest" or "I'm just speaking my truth" what I now hear is "I am being lazy" - too lazy to think through a positive, constructive, or helpful way of giving feedback or speaking truth.  There are always ways to communicate that are equally honest, but are not cruel, generalizing, vague or violent.  While it may take work to figure out how to say those things, that work is worth the effort if it actually has a chance of communicating something helpful, something important, and something that is not just inflammatory or destructive.  Cruel words are damaging, not "honest".  

    I struggle to understand, truly, why people do say those mean things.  Do they not see that this reflects much more on themself, on the kind of person they are choosing to be, than on the one they are attacking?  Do they not understand that when people hear meanness coming from someone, they are much less likely to trust and value the person expressing the cruelty than they are to then see the one who has been attacked in a negative way?  

    Unfortunately, I guess this is not universal.  I did hear someone recently extol the "loyalty" of another person, who then went on to describe that loyalty as manifesting in the attacking and unkind words they spoke to another person that they both didn't like.  I found myself staring at the one telling me of the "loyalty" of the other, wondering how long it would take them to realize that someone who is unkind is someone who is unkind.  While that person's unkindness was directed at another in this instant, how long will it take for that unkindness to circle around to the one praising it at that moment?  Not long.  Never long.  

    So, to take my own advice here, I don't want to just stay in the "attack" but also want to offer other ways we can express our truths that might be more helpful.  Using "I" phrases is always a good start.  "I feel x when you do y because of z".  "When x happened, I felt y because of z."  Those are good starts.  Wondering is also helpful, "I'm wondering about this thing over here that happened.  Can you tell me more what you were hoping for/working towards/expecting when you said or did x?"  "I'm wondering how it felt to say x?  I'm wondering what happened that led to this?"  We can learn to address specific events rather than globalizing.  Instead of "Why do you ALWAYS..." we can say, "I'm thinking about what just happened and wondering if you can tell me more about it from your perspective."  "I noticed that Saturday when Naomi said x, you responded with y and I'm wondering what that was about for you."

    I understand that sometimes these things feel contrived.  But isn't it better to work on learning to communicate in helpful ways?  It may take practice, but we can learn and then it will become second nature and not feel contrived anymore.

    I write this to myself as well.  I am currently wondering what led that person to use that phrase, "I'm just being honest." And I'm feeling sad that I heard it yet again because it triggered for me memories of when, as a child, another child used that as an excuse to say unspeakably cruel things.  I wonder what they were hoping to communicate.  And I'm hoping that I can learn more from the underlying beliefs and ideas when I am able to ask deeper questions.  

    One step at a time, here.  One step at a time.

Dangerous, angry times

     Youngest and I went up to Old Sacramento on Saturday afternoon to have some mother-daughter time.  We went to the Crocker Art Museum and then walked down to the train museum and wharf to get some ice cream (because in my mind Old Sacramento means trains and ice cream).  As we walked into the ice cream store, we saw a sign in the middle of the entrance that read "Masks must be worn, as per state mandate.  Anyone failing to comply with this mandate will not be served."  We were wearing our masks, so not a big deal.  We walked up to the counter, ordered our ice cream and stepped aside for the next person to order.  Apparently the people who walked in behind us were not, however, wearing masks.  One of the workers (my guess is the manager) said to the woman behind me, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but masks are required by state mandate within this facility.  Please put on a mask.  I believe I have one I can give you."  After a minute, though, he said, "Oh, I'm sorry.  It appears we have just run out.  If you do not have your own mask, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  

    I don't know about you, but if I were asked to leave a facility, I would.  I would do it out of embarrassment if nothing else.  But also, I am lacking that sense of entitlement that some people apparently have.  This woman was one of those people.  "Well @#$% that!"  She said, "I'm not going anywhere!"

    She stepped up closer to the counter to order.  The worker said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but if you do not leave, I'm going to have to call the police."

    "You do that!" she said, and then proceeded to call him a list of nasty discriminatory slurs that I will not print here.  She then turned to two of the other workers insisting that they take her order.  The other workers both shook their heads and backed up, frankly looking a little scared.

    The first worker responded by saying that yep, the slur she had used absolutely applied to him, and that as a result he was better at certain graphicly described behaviors than she was.  He then repeated that if the woman did not leave, he was going to call the police.

    The woman responded by approaching the counter and knocking everything on it to the floor, spilling the tip jar, scattering coins, making a huge and violent ruckus.  The worker then bounded over the counter, the same counter that Youngest and I were standing in front of (which we both quickly stepped back from), to move towards her, threatening to kill her at the same time and saying, "Don't think for a second that I won't do it!"  She laughed and ran out.

    Whew.  Situation over.  But frankly, Youngest and I were so shaken by the incident that we did not have the ability to taste our ice creams at all.  

    While it is a challenge for me to NOT express some of my thoughts on all of this, today I am working hard to face that challenge because I don't see that as productive in this moment.  What I want to focus on instead is this: I think the divisions in our country and in our society, the divisions that I saw escalate in that store, reveal a much larger issue.  

    We have forgotten that we belong to one another.  We have forgotten that the person in front of you with whom you disagree is still your sister, is still your brother, is still your sibling.  We have forgotten that we are to be kind and loving to others, even when they disagree with us, even when we don't like what they believe or what they do, even when we are embarrassed or uneasy, or hurt.

    To put this a bit more forcefully: while it takes effort on our part to respond to anger with compassion, this is the job of being an adult.  Having no self-control or ability to respond to anger with a calm and listening presence can only increase the divisions and the struggles in our world.  To be kind, to be caring: these are not easy, but no one ever said that life would be easy.  Just as you can spread violence by reacting with more violence, you can spread kindness by reacting with a calm and caring presence.  YOU have the power to diffuse violent and scary situations with your very demeanor, with your caring, with listening deeply and responding with compassion.

    So once again we have a choice to make: do we add to the pain, anger, and panic of the world by responding in kind when others lose it?  Or can we be part of the solution and movement to make the world better by staying calm, by hearing one another, and by acting with love?  

    We won't always be able to do the right thing.  I know this.  As always, I'm preaching to myself here and I know that it is not easy to respond to nastiness, to hurtful comments or actions with kindness.  It takes practice.  But, for better or worse, we are getting a whole lot of practice of late!  So take it for the gift it is: to practice taking the high road in the face of anger.  People are stressed.  People are scared.  And ultimately, people are just people: flawed and trying to do the best they can in difficult circumstances.  Try to picture each person as your mother, or your sister, or your best friend: someone having a hard day.  You may disagree with them, but you can still love them.  

    If we can do anything to help the current situation in our culture, it's worth the effort.

    That interaction that Youngest and I witnessed did not just upset the manager and the customer.  An ice cream store full of customers and employees were affected by what we experienced.  And while, fortunately, no one was hurt, things could have gotten worse, they could have escalated even more.  I am thankful that they didn't.  But also saddened that it happened at all.  It would have been so easy for either of the two main characters in this incident to take a different path.  The woman could have just left when asked to do so.  The manager could have stayed calm and just said, "I hear you are upset, but we are required to follow the law."  So much could have been done differently.  But it wasn't.  So I'm just taking the lesson for what it was: a chance to think through my own reaction for the next time someone acts out.  How will I respond?  How will you respond?  How will we make this world better together?  

Peace Talk for Brentwood Inspired Living Center

First of all, I want to thank Amy for inviting me to speak to you all today.  It is a real joy and privilege to be asked to talk about something that I think is so important for us, always, but perhaps especially in today’s world.  “Peace” is very elusive, especially during this time.  People are stressed because of the pandemic, social unrest, the weather, the smoke – days moved to weeks moved to months and now we’ve had a half year of “shelter in place” and “social distancing” and people are beginning to act out.  

I think about the post a friend of mine made on FB where he detailed waking up to find an intruder in his home.  The intruder grabbed a couple things and left.  No one was hurt, my friend was able to replace the missing items with fairly little trauma.  It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t scarring either.  Still, the responses that he received on FB were things like “You should have shot and killed that guy!  That would have taught him!”  And “Too bad you weren’t able to beat him up with a bat and permanently ruin his life!”  I was shocked by these responses, but probably shouldn’t have been.  We live in a culture where violence tends to escalate, and where people react with such intense anger that nothing short of death satisfies some people as the appropriate consequence for a stolen watch.  This is the world in which we dare to breathe words such as “peace”.  And that action of looking for and seeking peace is an act of courage in such a world.

The other day I was walking in a parking lot with my daughter at the grocery store (both of us with our masks on) and we were just about to get to the car to put in the groceries, when some rage-filled person started cursing and screaming at us.  I have no idea why.  I assumed at the time that it was because they wanted us to move more quickly to get our groceries in the car so they could have my spot, but, putting aside the fact that there were other open spaces, that just didn’t explain the rage that this person (who I had never seen before) was expressing.   Of course, the temptation for me then, as it often is for many of us I think, is to respond to that kind of anger with anger in return.  The temptation was to turn and yell back, to sarcastically critique his lack of vocabulary or to do something else that would have hurt him as much as he was upsetting me and my daughter.    

But in that moment, I found Martin Luther King Jr.’s comment rattling in my head when he said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”  The reality is we cannot get to peace, true peace, through anger, rage, hate or violence.  Those angry attacking responses leave people hurting, damaged, and that damage and hurt festers, and usually builds resentment and pain.  While violence may lead to a time of non-violence, there is a difference between peace and non-violence.  Peace is when people are okay within themselves and within their world.  Peace is when people see each other for the deeply connected siblings that we all are.  Peace is when we remember our deep connections to and within all creation.  Peace is when each person and each part of creation has enough, has what they need to live, to breathe, to survive.  That peace can never be full, real or profound when even one person is hurting.  

But responding to anger, violence or hatred with peace is hard.  So in that moment in the parking lot, I also found myself thinking about a Star Trek Next Generation episode in which all these different species are fighting to get this “thing” first, pieces of which have been planted into the different DNAs of different species across the galaxies.  Some species think what they will find when they solve the puzzle by putting all these pieces from their DNA together will be extreme wealth.  Others think it is massive power.  Some specifically think it is a powerful weapon.  All think that they better get it first and they are willing to kill one another to get it. They need each other’s piece of the puzzle to find whatever it is however, so they are all at the final place together; all gathered with their weapons out, preparing to fight to get it and claim it first for their people, their world, their community.  When they finally gather everything together, what they have been given is a message about how important it is to work together and find peace together in order for all to live.  The hologram that is produced by their DNA puzzle pieces gives the message that within each of them is a piece of one another, that they are literally within as well as among one another, and that it is only together they are whole.  But once they hear the message of peace and deep connection to one another, they respond by still trying to fight each other.  “We cannot possibly have anything in common,” one declares in rage, and “I would have killed her if she were alive” another says in response to the Hologram’s message.  They are so caught up in their anger that they cannot hear or see, and peace remains a distant, elusive dream for them all.  

     In Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, Gandalf said, “Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check.  But that is not what I have found.  I have found that it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay.  Small acts of kindness and love.” 

     As we seek to be people of peace, we have to start with the small, with the ordinary, with the opportunities we have to meet hatred and anger with kindness, compassion, and peace.    I thought about one of my heroes in life, Rev. Ben Weir.  He was a Presbyterian pastor who was working in Lebanon when he was kidnapped and held hostage.  He was held for 16 months as a hostage.  But after his experience, he did not come home seeking revenge, seeking the destruction of those who had kidnapped him.  Instead, he remained a voice for peace, for non-violent resolutions to problems.  I personally knew the man and he was, until the end, the most compassionate, sweetest man I have ever met.   

     There is a wonderful book titled “Tattoos of the Heart” written by Father Gregory Boyle.  He is a priest who works with gangs in LA, giving them work, jobs, a sense of belonging to something and to people who do not require violence or aggression as part of their membership rituals.  He writes about his experiences with these boys, these men, these families.  But his book begins with these words, “If there is a fundamental challenge within these stories, it is simply to change our lurking suspicion that some lives matter less than other lives.  William Blake wrote, ‘We are put on earth for a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love.’ Turns out this is what we all have in common, gang member and nongang member alike: we’re just trying to learn how to bear the beams of love.” (pxiii).

     The idea of Ubuntu is that “a person becomes a person through other people” – we are deeply and completely connected to one another.  When I am injuring you, it is me, myself who is damaged in the process.  And when I am kind to you, I am offering that kindness to myself as well.  

     These ideas are the foundation of peace: the recognition of our interdependence, our interconnection, with all people, but more, with all of life.  

     All of these examples and thoughts flashed through my head in response to the man screaming at me at the parking lot.  And I made the decision in that moment to do other than I wanted to do.  I chose then to wave, to smile (though I’m sure he could not see that behind my mask), and to quickly get my groceries into the car so that he could have the spot.  Fortunately, the space across from me was empty so I pulled forward and out of the spot.  I saw that he did not take the spot, but continued to shriek at me and even follow me out of the parking lot.  I still have not one clue about why.  I asked my daughter who was with me if she could see why he was so angry, but she said "no", and finally we were able to pull away from the man and to drive home.  I acted the way I wanted to act.  I did not give him power to change my behavior from the peace I wanted to communicate and exude.  I did not give him the ability to make me angry or hateful or destructive.  I acted with the peace and compassion I choose to demonstrate.  But I have to admit, I did not feel peace after that interaction.  I was shaking with fear, with anger, with visions of yelling back, or calling the police or something else.  I felt torn up inside by a person I don't know, will never meet, who was just... ANGRY.  It didn't make me feel better to act with kindness.  It did not make me feel better to be kind in the face of that kind of anger/hate.  But it didn't make me feel worse either.  If I'd acted in anger, I would have felt more angry.  If I'd chosen rage, I probably would have felt guilt on top of everything else, if only for giving that example to my daughter.  Instead, after a few minutes had passed, I felt a bit of triumph that I had not allowed myself to be controlled or changed by his behavior.  And my soul moved to a place of acceptance, wondering what that man was suffering with, and peace within myself much more quickly than it would have done if I had acted in any other way.  

     There is a saying in many 12 step programs which is "Act as If."  The theory behind it is that you act your way into being someone else.  Act as if you are a peaceful person and you will become one. Act as if you are no longer angry and you will stop being angry.  Act happy and calm and confident and those feelings and attributes will follow.  That is my choice for now.  I don't know that it will always work.  I don't know that I can always think of the kind way to respond in the face of anger or hate.  But I can try.   And perhaps in trying, I will become more the person of peace that I want to be.

I may not change the world.  I may make no difference at all in the scheme of things.  But I also will not let the world make me more angry, hateful or fearful.  I don't choose that, for myself or for those around me who are affected by my behavior.  For today, I hope that is enough.  

Peace is elusive in this time.  But it must start and end with each one of us choosing to be beacons, voices, examples of the peace we hope to find.  We create the world around us one word, one act, one choice at a time.  For today, let that choice be for peace.

Elections, competition, meanness

            When I was a student at UC Berkeley, I had the great joy and privilege and playing piccolo for the Cal Marching Band.  The Cal Band was (is), almost completely, a student run organization.  It had a complex system that made the orgnization work, and every year we would have elections for the top leadership positions: Student drum major, student music director, secretary, etc.  These were run as almost all elections are: the students would campaign, in a sense, and this would end with each of them giving a speech at an election dinner after which we would all vote by ballot. The reality is that the Cal Band typically has about 170 members, so most of us knew each other pretty well, we witnessed first hand the other members' strengths and weaknesses, and by the time that dinner and vote came along, I assume I was not the only one who pretty much knew who they were going to vote for even before the speeches were made.  Still, there is one election that remains prominent in my mind, 30 years later.
          Two young women were running against each other for one of the positions.  What was unusual about this was that the two young women were known to be best friends.  They were always together, very close, never out of each other's sights.  But they were also very different in terms of temperament.  One, whom I will call Jill, was very confident, strong, an achiever, well-organized, pretty much good at everything she did, and generally very well liked.  The other, whom I will call Sally, was an emotional mess.  I think today we might have more compassion and understanding about the mental illness or life struggles that had led her to where she was.  But at the time, most of us chose to stay out of her way as much as possible.  She threw herself, sexually, at most of the young men, she flitted in and out of very dramatic and emotionally charged friendships with the other young women (perhaps in part because she would not hesitate to fling herself at their boyfriends, too), she was often seen having emotional break-downs or throwing loud temper tantrums.  She was dramatic and emotional and constantly in crisis.  So when we all saw that these two women were running against each other for this position, all of us, I'm certain, planned on voting for Jill.  We did not see how Sally could handle a leadership position in the face of all the other crises that seemed to run her life, frankly.  We had our ballots in front of us as the speeches were made and I know that even before the speeches came, most of us had already marked our vote for Jill.
          Sally stood up and she gave the speech most of us expected her to give.  It was emotional but also passionate about her desire to serve in this way.  I don't remember it much, except that she was clearly very nervous, and she made her earnest desire to hold this position very clear.  Then Jill came to the podium.  And Jill's speech I will never forget.
             Jill stood before all of us, and instead of telling us why she wanted the position or why she would do a good job, she took the opportunity to slam her best friend, Sally.  She called her "unstable" and was sarcastic and mean in her comments.  It was a cruel speech.  And this close community of the Cal Band had no tolerance for this.  At her first comment, her audience collectively gasped with shock and concern.  As her comments went on, groans and "oh!"s resounded.  This shook Jill.  Her stance as she began her speech was extremely confident, as she had every right to be.  But as the rest of us responded negatively to each of her nasty comments, I saw her falter in her speech.  What began with loud assertion, ended with a quiet, unsure, shaky speech.  She read the speech she had written through to the end, and did not alter it, despite our reaction.  But I am certain that as she finished, she could not help but see that none of us were looking anymore at her.  We were all looking at Sally, with concern, and with compassion.
       As Jill sat down, the next thing I saw was everyone's erasers on their ballots.  Sally won that vote by a landslide.  And Jill's popularity from that moment on was never anywhere near what it had been before.  We all voted against meanness, against cruelty, and against that kind of attack.  We expected our leaders to be community builders, community players.  We voted in people who would care about the well being of even their opponents because we knew that that would reflect how they would treat each of us, how they would respond to our wishes for the Band.  Or, to be more accurate in this case, we voted against someone who was so self-focused and self-aggrandizing that they were willing to be cruel even to their best friend to try to get what they wanted.
       Unfortunately, this election does not seem to mirror the choices of our country.  Instead, studies show that the mudslinging campaigns of attack on one another WORK.  Usually, the person who does the most cruel (and often libelous) attacking of his/her competition wins in our bigger elections.  These candidates avoid saying how they really feel about anything, and so people assume these folk are on the same page in terms of values.  We hear from these candidates what is wrong with everyone else and that works to sway votes away those they are slamming, even when the things they say are lies, even when there is not a hint of truth in them.  We vote in those who are best at cruelty, lying, and vicious attacks.  Is that really what we want for the leadership or our country?  
       I recently was in a conversation with someone who is my political opposite.  I heard him say in light of the terrible way our politicians are treating everyone, are speaking about everyone, are attacking those they are running against, even on the same general "side," that he would choose to vote in this upcoming election for anyone who did not behave in this horrible way.  He would vote for the first person who chose, in their campaign, to speak about what they valued, what they wanted, and what they believed, rather than speaking only to attack everyone else.  And for the first time in our history together, I found myself on the same page as him.
      I am deeply dismayed by what has been happening in our country, the policies that are so cruel, the hatred of anyone who is different from us, the constant villainization of the "other".  I think that all of that is both a reflection of the very way in which people talk about and to one another these days, and it is condoning, and affirming this horrible way of treating each other on a day to day basis.       There is a Sweet Honey in the Rock song based on a Chinese proverb that basically says that what you are at heart is reflected in your small actions that reflect into the larger attitudes and actions of the family, then the nation, then the world.  We have forgotten this wisdom, this truth.
    The bottom line:
         If we want our world to be better, it has to begin with the ways we treat one another now, here, today.  If we want our world to be better, we have to be kind to one another.  But more, we must affirm kindness and expect kindness from our leaders.  When we not only tolerate but condone and affirm cruelty from our leaders by our votes in reaction to their campaigns, what kind of naivete is it that expects that their intolerably vicious behavior will not then be aimed towards all of us in their policies, in their practices?  Personally, I've had enough.  I won't support that in any way.  I can't.  I'm voting for compassion this year.  I'm voting for kindness.  I'm voting for Love.

Saving Face

Mark 6:1-29

               In the book and movie, “The Help” we meet a young woman, Elizabeth, who is really a child trying to be an adult.  She has a young daughter whom she doesn’t actually like and to whom she is truly unkind.  Her “help”, Aibileen, cares for her daughter instead, so much so that the young, two-year-old daughter even says to Aibileen at one point, “you’re my real mama.”  But the young mother has other problems as well, and one of those is that she desperately wants to be loved and valued by her friend, Hilly, who is bossy, pushy, demanding and the clear leader of her group.  So when Hilly insists that Elizabeth fire Aibileen (or rather when Hilly herself fires Aibileen), even though Elizabeth knows it is wrong, knows that it will only hurt both her daughter and herself, knows that she cannot possibly care for her daughter on her own, she allows Hilly to act, she allows Hilly to fire the only person who ever cared for her daughter at all. 

               This is mirrored in the book by another situation.  The mother of the main character has had a helper the entire life of her adult daughter.  Constantine raised the main character, loved her, made her the person that she is.  But when the mother has a racist but highly respected member of her community at the house for lunch, and the community member is aghast at the place Constantine has in the family, she too is fired.  The main character’s mother “saved face” by allowing the unthinkable, unacceptable, and unjust result of losing a valued member of her own family because she could not bare the judgement of another person, a person she respected.

               This is similar to the story we heard in Mark today.  Herod had made a promise, a really stupid, impulse promise or oath.    And so when it comes down to a choice between honoring a promise in order to save face in front of his guests, or sparing a man’s life – and not just any man, but a man he actually valued and respected,  Herod chose to save face. 

               We get confused about what is truly important.  We think that the promises we make are sacred, and they are.  But the relationships we have with people are MORE sacred.  The choice to love and to have compassion and to care for ALL people, that is much, much MORE sacred.

I’m reminded of a story in which a holy man was meditating beneath a tree at the crossing of two roads. His meditation was interrupted by a young man running frantically down the road toward him. “Help me,” the young man pleaded. “A man has wrongly accused me of stealing. He is pursuing me with a great crowd of people. If they catch me, they will chop off my hands.” The young man climbed the tree beneath which the sage had been meditating and hid himself in the branches. “Please don’t tell them where I am hiding,” he begged. The holy man saw with the clear vision of a saint that the young man was telling him the truth. The lad was not a thief. A few moments later, the crowd of villagers approached, and the leader asked, “Have you seen a young man run by here?” Many years earlier, the holy man had taken a vow to always speak the truth, so he said that he had. “Where did he go?” the leader asked. The holy man did not want to betray the innocent young man, but his vow was sacred to him. He pointed up into the tree. The villagers dragged the young man out of the tree and chopped off his hands. When the holy man died and stood before Judgment, he was condemned for his behavior in regard to the unfortunate young man. “But,” he protested, “I had made a holy vow to speak only the truth. I was bound to act as I did.” “On that day,” came the reply, “you loved vanity more than virtue. It was not for virtue’s sake that you delivered the innocent man over to his persecutors, but to preserve a vain image of yourself as a virtuous person.”

Again, we see this with Herod.  He, too, had an innocent man killed because he’d made a stupid, stupid promise.  He did not expect it to be taken to such an extreme.  But he followed through on his promise because saving face, keeping his oath, was more important to him than another human’s life.  He could justify this to himself by declaring that the law required that he fulfill his oaths.  And it did.  Lev 19:12 reads: You must not swear falsely by my name, desecrating your God’s name in doing so; I am the Lord.” Num 30:2 says, “When a man makes a solemn promise to the Lord or swears a solemn pledge of binding obligation for himself, he cannot break his word. He must do everything he said.” And Deut 23:21 says “When you make a promise to the Lord your God, don’t put off making good on it, because the Lord your God will certainly be expecting it from you; delaying would make you guilty.”  But Herod used the law, he used the law as an excuse and as a justification to do evil. 

Jesus behaves in great contrast to Herod, to the monk in my story, to the examples I gave from the Help.  Jesus, in contrast, breaks laws, and even the ten commandments, when to follow those laws would be to act unjustly. For example, one of the ten commandments was about not breaking the Sabbath but Jesus broke it, again and again when a relationship, when a human being’s well-being was at stake.  He picked grain on the sabbath, he healed on the Sabbath.  He made it so clear, again and again, where the priorities had to be.  And he commanded us not to do the stupid things that would put us in that bind between fulfilling the law and caring for one another because he knew we were not strong, that we get confused and that it is easier for us to follow laws than to obey the ultimate law of love.  He knew that we would twist the rules and use them to harm others.  As Jesus himself said, “The Sabbath was made for humans, not humans for the Sabbath.”  The Law was made as a guide to help us live lives of love.  But we twist is, as we see done again and again. 

               People call Christians Hypocrites.  They do this because they see, clearer than we do in the midst of our bad choices, that we fail to follow the ultimate law of love.  Jesus calls us to love.  But Christians often get so caught up in following the letter of the law that they use it to bully, harm, hurt, kill and destroy other humans. 

               So Jesus tried to explain, again and again, “You have heard it said,” he said and then he would quote a law.  (all in Matthew 5).  Jesus understood our inability to discern when faced with conflicting values and conflicting needs in a situation.  He tried to prevent some of those by increasing the call, the need, for a disciplined observance in these situations. 

“You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.  But I say to you that you must not oppose those who want to hurt you. If people slap you on your right cheek, you must turn the left cheek to them as well.  When they wish to haul you to court and take your shirt, let them have your coat too.  When they force you to go one mile, go with them two.  Give to those who ask, and don’t refuse those who wish to borrow from you.”  This is an attempt to stop our revenge actions, our justifications of harm towards others with the excuse that “they started it first”.

 “You have heard that it was said, You must love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who harass you so that you will be acting as children of your Father who is in heaven. He makes the sun rise on both the evil and the good and sends rain on both the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love only those who love you, what reward do you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same?  And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same?  Therefore, just as your heavenly Father is complete in showing love to everyone, so also you must be complete.”  Here, too, Jesus takes a law that was just but has been used to harm and expands it so we will NOT be confused about who we are supposed to care for: ALL people.

And then the one that applies most to today: “Again - you have heard that it was said to those who lived long ago: Don’t make a false solemn pledge, but you should follow through on what you have pledged to the Lord.  But I say to you that you must not pledge at all. You must not pledge by heaven, because it’s God’s throne.  You must not pledge by the earth, because it’s God’s footstool. You must not pledge by Jerusalem, because it’s the city of the great king.  And you must not pledge by your head, because you can’t turn one hair white or black.  Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no. Anything more than this comes from the evil one.” 

He challenged the laws written in this book to say that we are called to LOVE, to go beyond the letter of these laws and move into love. 

I think about the musical Les Miserables.  The police officer in the musical was technically right in having no compassion for the man Jean Valjean who had stolen a loaf of bread to feed his starving sister and her son.  He was technically right in following the law when he pursued Jean Valjean after other minor infractions of his parole.  He was technically right, legally right.  But he was  wrong in every way when we come to understand the laws of God.  The LAW, the one and only LAW is the law of love.  And his actions were anything BUT loving.

None of this is easy.  And it is especially hard when it means that we might lose face as Herod would have done in today’s story if he had gone back on his promise.

There is another story: A long ago time ago in the hills of Quong Zu province, there once lived a revered old monk who was a master of Zen Buddhism. One day he decided that he would make a pilgrimage to a neighboring monastery, and not wishing to make the journey alone, he decided to take along one of his young disciples. They started their journey early the next morning and in the true spirit of Zen each walked along engrossed in his own thoughts, and so they journeyed for many hours without speaking. By mid-day they had come to a small stream and it was here that they noticed a young girl dressed in fine silk, obviously contemplating how best to cross the stream without getting her precious clothes wet. Immediately the old monk walked over to the young girl and in one smooth motion, he picked her up in his arms and walked out into the stream, then after carrying her safely to the other side, he gently put her down and walked on without having said a single word.

His disciple having watched this whole incident was in a state of complete shock, for he knew it was strictly forbidden for a monk to come into physical contact with another person. Quickly, he too crossed the stream, and then ran to catch up with his master, and together they once again walked on in silence. Finally at sunset they made camp and settled down for the night.

The next morning after prayers and meditation the old monk and his disciple once again continued their journey, once again in silence. After many miles, and no longer able to contain his curiosity, the disciple called to his master and said,

"Master may I ask you a question" ?

 "Of course, you may" his master replied, "knowledge comes to those who seek it".

 Respectfully his disciple said, "Yesterday I saw you break one of our most sacred vows when you picked up that young girl and carried her across the stream. How could you do such a thing"?

 His master replied, "That is true, and you are right it is something I should not have done, but you are as guilty as I am" .

 "How so" asked his disciple, "for it was you who carried her across the stream not I" ?

 "I know" replied his master, "but at least on the other side I put her down. You, however, are obviously still carrying her".

But again, for me the decision is bigger than this.  It is not just about breaking an oath.  It is about recognizing that the over-arching law is the one of love.  When we see a situation in which we are called to offer care, that care and the law to do whatever it takes to offer that care, must supersede any other law.  That’s the bottom line, always.  We are called to love.  It’s all that easy.  And it’s all that hard.

Be Quick to Love and Make Haste to be Kind

Psalm 131
Mark 5:21-43

               “Your daughter has died.  Why bother the teacher any longer” they said to Jairus.  Over and over, people were told not to bother Jesus.  The children were told to go away, others who were “less desirable” were told to go away.  Jesus was important, you see.  And the disciples didn’t want him bothered with those who were “beneath” him.  

               We rank people.  All of us do.  I went to visit a parishioner, years ago, who was in an extended care facility and when I walked into the room, I saw an older person in a wheelchair sitting next to the parishioner.  I went in and joined the conversation because I assumed that she was either a family member, or maybe another patient who had wandered in to talk.  I felt okay entering their group for a few minutes as long as I could “rank” them in this way.  But when it turned out that she was actually the physical therapist, then I felt that I had imposed on her time.  And I excused myself.  She “ranked higher” as one of the staff at the hospital, and my time with the patient took a back seat.  But as I left, it caused me to think for a few minutes about how I rank people.  I experienced this from the other side when, at my last church, we worked in a program similar to Winter Nights in which we housed four families at our church for a period of time each year.  I would never tell our guests that I was the pastor there because when they found out, they treated me differently.  And while that different treatment tended to be greater respect, I still didn’t want that.  Life sometimes separates us into the haves and have-nots, but the reality is that we are all children of God.  My being the pastor of that church, and someone with a home and income did not make me “better” or more worthy of respect, attention, or care than any of the guests or helpers who were there.  And that singling out, that difference in treatment made me uneasy.  Again, we are all children of God.  I am not more deserving of respect because of my status.  They are not less deserving of respect simply because they are in need of help.  Another pastor friend of mine told me of a time when he was mopping the floor in the church kitchen when several of the church deacons came in.  “Oh no, pastor!  That is not for YOU to do!” they exclaimed, again with the same “You are too good for this work!” attitude, one he worked actively to eradicate, but one that was extremely hard to stamp out.  I was part of an Ecumenical pastor’s group in Ohio which worked extremely well together: we did many mission activities and started new food programs and children and youth programs together.  We supported each other and worked well together, but at one of our meetings, one of the other pastors commented that in another ministerial group of which he had been a part, there had often been a lot of “posturing” between the pastors.  We should all have the humility to see that we are all children of God.  That posturing is an arrogance that is unbefitting to those who would serve God. 

               To quote JK Rowling, “If you want to know what a person is like, take a good look at how they treat their inferiors, not their equals.”

Connie Schultz echoes that in her article, “The Real Gift of Doing Unto Others” (Life Happens, New York: Random House, 2006).  She wrote, “My mother didn’t have a lot of advice for her three daughters when it came to men, but her one cautionary note rang with the clarity of church bells: Don’t marry him until you see how he treats the waitress….  How they wore… advantages, she said, would reveal their character.  Anyone who mistreated subordinates was a bully and a bore…. We were expected to use our best manners with every waitress, housekeeper, bellhop, parking lot attendant, mechanic, salesclerk – anybody who waited on us or someone else for a living…. Her rules were simple and intractable: Make eye contact.  Smile at them and call them ‘ma’am’ or ‘sir’.  Thank them for their help.  If they’re gumpy, don’t yell at them.  Instead, tilt your head just so and say, ‘You must be having a bad day.’  And never, ever rob them of their dignity….Do we know the names of the servers in our company cafeteria, the person who keeps the washrooms clean, the security guard who nods hello to us day in and day out?  When is the last time we asked the clerk at the dry cleaners how her family is doing?  Have we ever?  How often do we greet a weary cashier with a loud, disgusted sigh?  … We won’t change the world by smiling and asking how they’re holding up, but if you doubt for a moment your kindness makes a difference, let me tell you one more story about my mom.  She never held elected office, was never a company president or in charge of anyone other than her own four kids.  But when she died, more than eight hundred people showed up for her calling hours.  I heard tender stories about my mom from almost all of them.  I met the hairdresser…, the clerk.. at the corner market, the man who rotated her tires, the seamstress who hemmed her pants.”

At another church where I served, the members were intimately involved with a program that served the homeless.  Through our work and through our time with the homeless people in our community, we developed a very close relationship with one homeless man in particular.  This man was very loving, very giving, very caring.  He began attending our church and when he did so, he offered to run our sound system, he helped with the gardening, and he was always on hand to help us in any way.  He was not unintelligent, but he was a severe alcoholic who could not seem to get through the disease to a place where he could give up drinking.  He would give it up for a week or two and then something would happen and he would be drinking again.  We saw him fight for his life against this disease and we saw him losing the battle.  At one point in our relationship with “George”, his drinking led him to fall and to hit his head very seriously on the street.  The police found him hours later and took him to the local hospital.  His injuries, especially to his brain, were very serious and he was admitted for long term hospitalization and rehabilitation.  However, when the nurses and doctors at the hospital came to understand that he was a homeless, jobless, resource-less man, they gave up caring for him.  He remained at the hospital for quite a while, because he was unable to walk a straight line, he could not speak clearly and had very little control over his movements.  But in large part he was at the hospital for so long because they would not provide the care to get him to a place where they could discharge him.  The only time that “George” received any attention – the only time he would be brought his meals even – was when one of us was there to insist on it.  This was a “Christian” hospital, and the doctors and nurses who were hired to work there were people of faith.  But they did not see the contradiction in their faith when they ranked people and served them according to their resources, rather than according to their needs. 

This is NOT how Jesus acted.  And it is not what Jesus calls us to do.  Despite the reaction of those around him, including his disciples, Jesus found time to be present with “the least of these” every time.  He gave of his healing, of his energy, of his attention, even to those who didn’t somehow “rank” or “deserve” it. 

As you know, I often end with the “Life is short.  And we have little time with which to grace the lives of those with whom we travel.  So be quick to love. And make haste to be kind.”  To me these are not just words to be said.  They are words to live by.  Micah 6:8 says, “What does the Lord require of you?  To do justice, to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God.”  And Jesus shows us this again and again.  He was kind to people, no matter who they were, no matter what their education or resources or position, or abilities or gifts or personalities even.  He was kind and loving. 

So, what does that look like, then, practically?  First, I think, like Jesus, we are called to offer the gifts we have even to those who are “undeserving”.  Jairus and his daughter and the women with the hemorrhage may not have deserved Jesus’ healing.  We don’t know if they were “deserving” or not.  Scripture doesn’t spend any time telling us about their rank or their position except to point out that Jesus served even those others rejected.  We never hear of Jesus asking people about their backgrounds or their positions.  He offered the gifts he had, of healing, of attention, of wisdom, of guidance, of teaching, to all of them despite what he knew or didn’t know about whether or not they deserved it.  We are called to do the same.  What are your gifts?  What are your resources?  To whom do you offer them?  If you have the gift of music, do you play for those who can’t afford the cost of a ticket to come see you perform?  If you have the gift of resources, do you share them with those who have less?  If you have the gift of healing, do you offer to heal even those who can’t pay the usual doctor’s fee? 

Another way that we can strive to be kind is with our words.  I love the acronym THINK when it comes to speaking. 

Is it True

Is it Helpful

Is it Inspiring

Is it Necessary

AND Is it Kind.

Sometimes we can get stuck at the “it is true” and forget to consider these other things when we speak.  But there is another helpful saying too, “Given the choice between being right and being kind, choose to be kind.”  Of course we don’t want to lie, but there are other important reasons to filter what we say, to phrase what we have to say with grace and compassion, and even to refrain from speaking at all.  Is what we have to say helpful?  Is it necessary?  And again, is it kind?  It is not necessary to say every thought that goes through our heads.  But sometimes I think we get so stuck on the “is it true” that we forget that we don’t have to say things that aren’t kind, helpful, and necessary.  (And inspiring?  How much of what we say is actually INSPIRING?). 

               We act with kindness when we truly look at people, all people.  We are kind by listening to people, all people.  We are kind by offering our gifts to people, despite who they are and how they rank.  We are kind with our words, and we are kind with our caring.  And my experience is that when we are kind, we often find that the love follows when it wasn’t there to begin with.  Our kindness leads us to care more deeply.  And our caring leads us to be more truly kind. 

               In case you are unsure about this, kindness deeply matters.  A friend of mine shared a story with me this last week that his great grandfather had been very poor for a time and had had to move very often.  He often was reduced to having very few possessions at all, just what he could fit in a wagon or, as an adult, in a small car.  None the less, when he died, they found within his possessions a box of letters written to him by his Sunday school teacher – words of kindness, words of care, words of compassion that he had carried with him through all the downsizing, through all the moves, through all the poverty.  He carried these letters because they were so valuable to him.  Those words of kindness and care were that important.

               I think about the story, Wonder, (R.J. Palacio. New York: Alfred A Knopf, 2012) which is at heart really a story all about kindness.  In the last chapter, the principal of the school where the story takes place says this, “Shall we make a new rule of life… always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?...  What a marvelous line, isn’t it?  Kinder than is necessary.  Because it’s not enough to be kind.  One should be kinder than needed.  Why I love that line, that concept, is that it reminds me that we carry with us, as human beings, not just the capacity to be kind, but the very choice of kindness.  And what does that mean? … How do we know we’ve been kind?  What is being kind, anyway?... In Under the Eye of the Clock, by Christopher Nolan, the main character is a young man who is facing some extraordinary challenges.  There’s this one part where someone helps him: a kid in his class.  On the surface, it’s a small gesture.  But to this young man, whose name is Joseph, it’s… well, if you’ll permit me… ‘It was at moments such as these that Joseph recognized the face of God in human form.  It glimmered in their kindness to him, it glowed in their keenness, it hinted in their caring, indeed it caressed in their gaze.’  … Such a simple thing, kindness.  Such a simple thing.  A nice word of encouragement given when needed.  An act of friendship.  A passing smile…  If every single person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary – the world really would be a better pace.  And if you do this, if you act just a little kinder than is necessary, someone else, somewhere,, someday, may recognize in you, in every single one of you, the face of God.” (p 300).

               You are a wonderfully kind community.  But we are always called to deepen, to grow, and to be more fully and deeply kind and loving, to all we encounter.  Amen.