Parenting Part IV: What We Say Matters

     I've written a great deal about parenting lately, but it is, once again, on my mind so I'm taking to my typing once more, in part to process through some of what took place over the winter break.  Today will focus on Middle once more.

    Middle and I really had a wonderful time hiking and talking during the few weeks he was home.  I love that time with him.  I love hearing his thoughts and hearing about his experiences.  But, as I've mentioned before, we have a history of arguing. And while it is so much better than it was, occasionally those arguments still arise and they can be as volatile as ever.  This time there was only one big argument.  And it was not just Middle and I who were involved.  Eldest and Youngest were also present, and the argument ended up being the three of us on one side arguing with Middle.  It was so intense that both Eldest and Youngest finally stomped off in anger.  

    The subject of the argument is immaterial.  However, the next day when Middle and I were walking, he said some things that were harder for me to shake, and which I really should not dismiss easily.  He told me that at one point in our argument, I had said something about him failing to be open-minded.  I didn't remember having said that, but I'm sure it is true that I did.  One of Middle's greatest contradictions or paradoxes is that he is both able to think outside the box in creative and awesome ways, and yet at times he entrenches in specific beliefs that leave no room for other people's experiences or the possibility of things beyond his set determined belief. Do I think he is at times closed-minded?  Absolutely.  Still, I didn't remember actually voicing that, and found myself feeling horrified that I had called him a "name" in a way that was hurtful to him, and that stuck with him.  

    He also told me that when I talk about our relationship, I usually start by mentioning how much we have argued throughout his life, and how much we continue to do so, though he has worked very hard on this. Obviously this, too, is true.  Ironically, I usually mention it to say how far we've come.  As I said above, there was only one argument during the three weeks he was home.  I'm also aware that when I talk to other people about Middle, I often describe him as my "miracle child."  He has blossomed into this absolutely amazing young man who is working on a degree in physics with minors in math and political science.  Despite being a full-time student, he also has a half-time job in the physics department at school and has won awards for his inventions.  He is published in several abstracts and is an active part of the physics research team, even as an undergraduate.  In addition to work and school, he has become quite the athlete: rock climbing, ice climbing, skiing, running, cycling, hiking and more.  He has numerous scholarships because of all he has done and continues to do.  And he chose to go to Norway for a year all on his own to study abroad, something I never had the courage to do.  But more than all this, he is kind, he is incredibly polite, he is compassionate and loving. He listens well, and tries so hard to do what is right by other people. My son who struggled so very much as a boy has grown into a young man I admire deeply.  He is my greatest pride, because he has overcome so many difficult and challenging obstacles.  He made good choices, and he is thriving as a result.

    Despite feeling so very proud of him, I feel I can take very little credit for who he has become. Middle has always brought out the worst in me.  Or to phrase that in a way that doesn't put the blame on him, I have been with him, consistently, a version of myself that I despise.  The worst in me comes out when we argue.  I feel triggered, often, by what he says, and my parenting of him has always been less than what I would want it to be.  I would honestly give just about anything to go back to his childhood and do it differently, though I'm not sure I could do it differently even now.  Our arguments, though much rarer, still trigger me in a way that leads me to do what I know a parent should never do, namely saying hurtful things, such as calling him "closed-minded" despite the fact that he is a person I love more than I can possibly articulate.  

    The point? What we say matters.  I was surprised by what he remembered from the argument and more, how he heard what I say about him when I talk about him to others.  The little comments that he experiences as hurtful probably have a much greater impact than all the "I love you" and "I'm proud of you" statements put together.  They stick longer.  Like the barbed stickers that get stuck on my sweaters after a hike, they stay, while the compliments and expressions of love are more like flower petals that roll off.  Unfortunately, all the apologies in the world cannot dislodge those barbs from our spirits.  It is therefore essential that we work hard to avoid saying hurtful things in the first place.  When we are triggered, stepping out, stepping aside, breathing deeply, or whatever works for each of us to stop the flow of words is essential.  

    I'm so proud of my son.  I'm proud of him for being able to talk to me about what I said that was hurtful, too. It was a reminder to be more aware and to take the needed time to step back before speaking, especially when I'm angry.  As I said above, I wish I could change the words I've said that have been hurtful.  But I can't. All I can do is to use these lessons to work to do better. Love is action.  And my actions of love for my son have to look like working towards greater kindness when I'm angry with him.  Not easy, but essential.  Always.

A Moment of Kindness??

     Last week I was walking with the two young adults who are currently at home.  We were stopped at the corner of a busy intersection waiting for the light to change, when a car full of teenagers also stopped at the light.  One of the young men in the back seat of the car called out to us, "Hello!"  

    I said "Hello," in response.  

    He then said, "You're beautiful!" to which I responded, "Thank you.  So are you!" and then the light changed and we all moved on.

    My youngest turned to me and said, "Mom, he was being sarcastic and mean."  

    I said, "How do you know that?"

    "I know it because he is the same age as the kids at my school and that's how they are."

    Hm.  Perhaps my daughter did not believe a teenage boy could possibly think I was beautiful. Perhaps the boy was referring to my two kids when he said, "you are beautiful," in which case, the "thank you" still held for me: "thank you for seeing the beauty in my progeny."  Still, I would be lying if I said that the same thought that maybe he was just being sarcastic and mean had not crossed my mind as well.  Perhaps when they drove off they all had a good laugh.  Maybe. But several things occur to me.  

    First of all, we can't paint everyone, including boys of a certain age, with the same brush.  It isn't healthy for us to stereotype or prejudge others.  Assuming others' motives is not helpful for anyone.  

    Secondly, once again I had a choice about how to see or frame this situation.  I could have chosen to be hurt by his "meanness."  I could have chosen to discount him as "just a kid being unkind because that's what boys of a certain age do when they are with their friends."  Or I could choose, as I did, to be bolstered and uplifted by the kind words of a stranger.  There is a wise 12-step saying, "It's none of my business what you think of me."  What is my business is how I am treated and how I choose to respond to the treatment that comes my way.  I choose to take kindness at face-value and to appreciate those moments when good is offered by strangers, whatever the thinking behind it might be.

    Finally, I was saddened by my youngest child's cynical view of the world.  I asked her, "So, are all your friends at school mean like that?"

    "Well, no," she said.

    "Then why would you assume that these kids were being mean?"

    "Well, my friends would not have said anything to a stranger."

    "Then that is their loss, isn't it?  If you have an opportunity for kindness, I would hope that you and your friends would take it, even if that moment of kindness is being offered to a stranger."

    I am troubled by this conversation.  Are we raising cynical children who expect unkindness, maybe especially from their peers?  Perhaps her expectation protects her when cruelty comes.  But also, sometimes people rise to the level of expectation.  And if we expect our teenage boys, in particular, to be cruel won't that expectation inevitably encourage them to be just that?  What if, instead, we expected them to be polite, respectful, to go the extra mile to be kind?  

    As I have often said, I believe we tend to project out onto others our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  So my conversation with Youngest continues.  I want her to take the opportunities to uplift all those around her, even strangers.  Perhaps if it were habitual in her own behavior, she would not be so cynical about expecting others to behave in the same way.  

    My youngest may be right and again, the boy in the car may have been having a laugh at my expense.  But I do not choose to be brought down by that.  Instead, I choose to take in the words, "You are beautiful" from a stranger and to pass them back, "So are you!"  It made my day brighter, regardless of my daughter's interpretation.  

"I'm just being honest"

     I love that phrase, "I'm just being honest."  I equally love the phrase, "I'm just speaking my truth".  Please note the heavy sarcasm in my comments.  These are two phrases that are used to justify cruelty.  Somehow, as a culture, we believe that honesty and the integrity of being one's genuine self are acceptable excuses for truly unkind, hurtful words.  But really, are they?

    It's not that people don't need feedback.  And it's not that people don't need to hear hard truths.  We all can grow, we all can learn, we all have blind spots in our self-understanding that mean that the constructive feedback of others can help us move forward on our journeys.  Seeing things in a new way, learning how things we have been part of or have done might have caused damage: these are important lessons for all of us.  But please notice that I used the word "constructive" when I talked about feedback.  Attacking someone's personality or saying things in a way that is simply negative is not constructive.  Those comments are seldom truly heard in a way that can communicate something helpful to a person and it is extremely rare that a person can grow from mean comments.  There are ways we can communicate truths that do help people to grow, to learn, and to move.  

    Bottom line: when people say "I'm just being honest" or "I'm just speaking my truth" what I now hear is "I am being lazy" - too lazy to think through a positive, constructive, or helpful way of giving feedback or speaking truth.  There are always ways to communicate that are equally honest, but are not cruel, generalizing, vague or violent.  While it may take work to figure out how to say those things, that work is worth the effort if it actually has a chance of communicating something helpful, something important, and something that is not just inflammatory or destructive.  Cruel words are damaging, not "honest".  

    I struggle to understand, truly, why people do say those mean things.  Do they not see that this reflects much more on themself, on the kind of person they are choosing to be, than on the one they are attacking?  Do they not understand that when people hear meanness coming from someone, they are much less likely to trust and value the person expressing the cruelty than they are to then see the one who has been attacked in a negative way?  

    Unfortunately, I guess this is not universal.  I did hear someone recently extol the "loyalty" of another person, who then went on to describe that loyalty as manifesting in the attacking and unkind words they spoke to another person that they both didn't like.  I found myself staring at the one telling me of the "loyalty" of the other, wondering how long it would take them to realize that someone who is unkind is someone who is unkind.  While that person's unkindness was directed at another in this instant, how long will it take for that unkindness to circle around to the one praising it at that moment?  Not long.  Never long.  

    So, to take my own advice here, I don't want to just stay in the "attack" but also want to offer other ways we can express our truths that might be more helpful.  Using "I" phrases is always a good start.  "I feel x when you do y because of z".  "When x happened, I felt y because of z."  Those are good starts.  Wondering is also helpful, "I'm wondering about this thing over here that happened.  Can you tell me more what you were hoping for/working towards/expecting when you said or did x?"  "I'm wondering how it felt to say x?  I'm wondering what happened that led to this?"  We can learn to address specific events rather than globalizing.  Instead of "Why do you ALWAYS..." we can say, "I'm thinking about what just happened and wondering if you can tell me more about it from your perspective."  "I noticed that Saturday when Naomi said x, you responded with y and I'm wondering what that was about for you."

    I understand that sometimes these things feel contrived.  But isn't it better to work on learning to communicate in helpful ways?  It may take practice, but we can learn and then it will become second nature and not feel contrived anymore.

    I write this to myself as well.  I am currently wondering what led that person to use that phrase, "I'm just being honest." And I'm feeling sad that I heard it yet again because it triggered for me memories of when, as a child, another child used that as an excuse to say unspeakably cruel things.  I wonder what they were hoping to communicate.  And I'm hoping that I can learn more from the underlying beliefs and ideas when I am able to ask deeper questions.  

    One step at a time, here.  One step at a time.

Assuming the Worst

       When I was in seminary, I supported myself by working as an organist/choir director for a local congregation.  I quit that position my final year of seminary to do my internship and finish school.  The church I had worked for hired another young woman to take my place.  After she had been there about two months she called me, very upset, and said that she believed the pastor's wife (who sang in the choir) did not like her, was "out to get her" and was frankly just plain mean.  This had not been my experience of the pastor's wife at all.  My experience of her was that she was very sweet, very kind and very supportive.  I tried to tell the new music director that I did not believe that the pastor's wife was acting out of malicious intentions, but the new music director did not believe me.  About a week later the pastor's wife called me and said that no matter what she did, this new young woman was misunderstanding and taking offense.  I suggested that perhaps both of them needed to be talking to each other, maybe with a third person present who knew them both, to help navigate the misunderstandings in their relationships.  I offered to help, but they did not take me up on it.  To this day, I don't know why either of them was calling me about it since they didn't really want my help and also weren't willing to change their assumptions about the thinking of the other.  

    On another occasion I received a letter from someone who similarly was accusing someone else of malicious intent after an event had occurred between them that had also ended in misunderstanding.  Once again, I tried to help them to see a bit differently: I did not think the intention of either was malicious or even unkind.  They had simply misunderstood one another.  

    Finally on a third occasion a letter caused a person to be very upset and to assume malicious intent when, if read with different eyes, the person would have instead heard the support and praise in the letter for what that person had been doing and had accomplished.

    I have found myself wondering recently why we assume the worst of the other.  Why, in each of these cases, was malicious intent assumed?  Why did each of these people take offense and feel hurt when, if they had chosen different eyes, a different approach, a different start place, they would not have had to feel the unintended, un-wished-for pain?

    But as I reflected on these three events, I realized that I had been doing the same with a couple folk in my own life.  A couple folk have been making decisions and choosing actions that I have been taking very personally.  I have been assuming anger towards myself or even hatred towards myself in both cases.  And reflecting on these other stories caused me to pause.  I could see that the women in the three stories above were hurt more by their own assumptions and their own decision to hear offense than the actions that led them to feel that way.  It was very, very clear to me in each case that they could have chosen differently.  They could have heard the support.  They could have heard the caring.  They could have seen whatever hurt them as an error on the part of the other, made without meanness or anger.  They could have had compassion on those who committed the errors, seeing that they were shortsighted or unthinking rather than intentionally hurtful.  But it took my reflecting on others' responses to see the error in my own.

    I've mentioned before that I have a friend who, at one point, shared with me that she'd reached out three times over the years to another friend but hadn't ever heard back.  When I asked about the friend, she said "Oh, yeah.  It's time for me to try again!"  She was not hurt at all that the friend had never responded.  It did not occur to her to assume that the silence on the part of the other was malicious or intentional.  My friend's actions showed me the possibility of a different way of responding in the face of "slights" or actions on the part of others that we don't necessarily understand.  

    Why do so many of us respond by assuming the worst?  Maybe we feel it is better to suffer hurt now, to assume hurt now than to be caught in the unexpected realization of intended offense later.  Maybe?

    When I was in high school I had the experience of a person saying something really mean to me about something I had done.  At the time, I assumed, in part because it was so attacking, they were kidding.  I reacted, therefore, by laughing at the truth in the comment and joking about how I would probably mess up again in the future.  Their response?  Surprise at first, but then they laughed too; and the whole interaction moved from something that was potentially a hurtful fight into a funny, companionable laugh.  It was their surprise that showed me that they had not intended it to be funny, but had intended for it to hurt.  None the less, because I had first assumed, wrongly, only good intent, the situation actually ended better for both of us than it should have, than it would have, and certainly than it could have.  My positive assumptions in that moment actually made things better.

    My take away as I reflect on all of these events is that I need to work much more intentionally towards assuming the best of the other.  I need to do it for them, for the situation, and mostly for myself.  Yes, there is the possibility that I will be caught by surprise and find that the intention really was malicious, that the action really was taken out of anger, hate or spite.  But my guess is the occasional discovery of true unkindness will be less painful, overall, than the many times I have mistakenly assumed mean intent.  This is my challenge for today, and probably for the many years to come.  Changing my mind-set around this will not be easy.  But I have to believe it will be worth the effort.  And again, I think the one who will benefit the most will be myself.  I see the constant joy my friend carries who does not assume the negative.  It is something I strive for in myself as well.

Allowing the unpleasant to have free rent in our heads.

        My spiritual director advised me to work against allowing unkind people to have free rent in my head.  I think we probably all struggle with this.  People who upset us, people who are cruel, people who do terrible things that affect us, those we love, or the world itself - these people are the ones we allow to wake us up in the night and prevent sleep from returning, these are the people we allow to cause us the stomach cramps that lead to ulcers, these are the ones we allow to cause us to move, or to quit jobs, to change careers, or to do something even worse.  

       But yes, I use the phrase "whom we allow..." with intention.  

        It doesn't feel that way, I know.  It feels like they have control in our brains, that their voices, their faces, their incomprehensible behaviors and their cruel choices prevent us from choosing anything other than being obsessed with what has been said, done, or is going to happen in the future.  How can we possibly do anything other than give them the free rent in our brains that their effects on our lives demand?  

       But I keep thinking about what I posted in September, 2015, and the reality that we are in so many ways closer to those we don't like or are struggling with or against than we are to our acquaintances and sometimes even those people we like or love.  If we are not working against this actively, if we are not choosing something different, our brains will focus, give time to, spend energy on the people with whom we are struggling much more than they will on the beautiful people in our lives, the gifts of the people in our lives, the kind and good things that have come and are coming our way daily.   And the question then is, how do we want to spend our time and energy?  On whom and on what do we want to dedicate our lives?  Do we want to spend the limited time we have here staying awake at night going over and over in our heads things we can do nothing about?  Do we want to allow our stomachs and bodies to be destroyed by the remembrances of cruelties and unkindnesses?  Or do we want to pass our time in gratitude and remembrances of the many wonderful good things that come our way each and every day?  Do we want to be awakened with thoughts of celebrations and warmth and good memories?

     I just downloaded through my Kindle Free Books a children's story called Some Days by Maria Wernicke.  It's a short picture book about a child who has lost her father and is grieving that.  She has moments when she feels the warmth of connection, of beauty with the world.  But other times she can't access those feelings and she is upset by that.  It's a story for children, but it, too, speaks to the truth for all of us that sometimes finding those peaceful places of remembrance are hard to do.  Perhaps it is harder for adults even than for kids.  Remembering that "this too shall pass" and that even in the dark times there are always sparks of light, gifts of caring, warm signs of a God who loves us more than we can imagine - remembering these things comes and goes, and when we are really struggling with something, these truths can be elusive.  Holding tight to the memories of the good and right in the world is hard.

    So, how do we do this?  How do we choose not to let the negative stay in our heads free of rent?  Having on hand a list of things for which we are grateful that we may choose to focus our attention on when the bad things come to mind is a start.  What blessings did I experience today?  For what am I grateful?  When the negative comes in at 2:00am, taking time to meditate or focus on the good can be very helpful.  If we still can't sleep, making a deliberate choice to get up, write a card of thanks, send an email, bake bread, sing a song: to create the good and focus on that creation of beauty instead.  These things take practice and intentionality, but I think they are important survival skills for all of us.

   I want to be clear that I am not advocating that we just let the world spin the way it will without taking action against injustices.  But I know for myself that if I am not centered, if I cannot find those gifts of peace and grace and gratitude daily, the actions I would normally take to fight injustice lack power, strength, grounding, conviction, and faith.  If I cannot remember the good, the efforts to work for justice for others also lack conviction - after all, if there is no good, what is the point in fighting for something better or different?  If I am unhealthy because of lack of sleep or a stomach tied in cramps, I become physically unable to do the work that must be done.  Remembering that we must put on our own oxygen masks in order to help those around us means doing the things necessary to sit in love, grace, and peace.  Remembering the joy, delighting in the good, even when things are hard, allows us the space to walk with truth and compassion.

    The goal then is to get to a place where we choose what takes up space in our minds and bodies, to intentionally decide what we will focus on at what time, to start with the good, and then move from a place of strength and love into facing the bad.  That's my work for today.  I offer it to you in the hopes that you also are working towards making good choices for yourselves as well.  Be at peace, friends.

Elections, competition, meanness

            When I was a student at UC Berkeley, I had the great joy and privilege and playing piccolo for the Cal Marching Band.  The Cal Band was (is), almost completely, a student run organization.  It had a complex system that made the orgnization work, and every year we would have elections for the top leadership positions: Student drum major, student music director, secretary, etc.  These were run as almost all elections are: the students would campaign, in a sense, and this would end with each of them giving a speech at an election dinner after which we would all vote by ballot. The reality is that the Cal Band typically has about 170 members, so most of us knew each other pretty well, we witnessed first hand the other members' strengths and weaknesses, and by the time that dinner and vote came along, I assume I was not the only one who pretty much knew who they were going to vote for even before the speeches were made.  Still, there is one election that remains prominent in my mind, 30 years later.
          Two young women were running against each other for one of the positions.  What was unusual about this was that the two young women were known to be best friends.  They were always together, very close, never out of each other's sights.  But they were also very different in terms of temperament.  One, whom I will call Jill, was very confident, strong, an achiever, well-organized, pretty much good at everything she did, and generally very well liked.  The other, whom I will call Sally, was an emotional mess.  I think today we might have more compassion and understanding about the mental illness or life struggles that had led her to where she was.  But at the time, most of us chose to stay out of her way as much as possible.  She threw herself, sexually, at most of the young men, she flitted in and out of very dramatic and emotionally charged friendships with the other young women (perhaps in part because she would not hesitate to fling herself at their boyfriends, too), she was often seen having emotional break-downs or throwing loud temper tantrums.  She was dramatic and emotional and constantly in crisis.  So when we all saw that these two women were running against each other for this position, all of us, I'm certain, planned on voting for Jill.  We did not see how Sally could handle a leadership position in the face of all the other crises that seemed to run her life, frankly.  We had our ballots in front of us as the speeches were made and I know that even before the speeches came, most of us had already marked our vote for Jill.
          Sally stood up and she gave the speech most of us expected her to give.  It was emotional but also passionate about her desire to serve in this way.  I don't remember it much, except that she was clearly very nervous, and she made her earnest desire to hold this position very clear.  Then Jill came to the podium.  And Jill's speech I will never forget.
             Jill stood before all of us, and instead of telling us why she wanted the position or why she would do a good job, she took the opportunity to slam her best friend, Sally.  She called her "unstable" and was sarcastic and mean in her comments.  It was a cruel speech.  And this close community of the Cal Band had no tolerance for this.  At her first comment, her audience collectively gasped with shock and concern.  As her comments went on, groans and "oh!"s resounded.  This shook Jill.  Her stance as she began her speech was extremely confident, as she had every right to be.  But as the rest of us responded negatively to each of her nasty comments, I saw her falter in her speech.  What began with loud assertion, ended with a quiet, unsure, shaky speech.  She read the speech she had written through to the end, and did not alter it, despite our reaction.  But I am certain that as she finished, she could not help but see that none of us were looking anymore at her.  We were all looking at Sally, with concern, and with compassion.
       As Jill sat down, the next thing I saw was everyone's erasers on their ballots.  Sally won that vote by a landslide.  And Jill's popularity from that moment on was never anywhere near what it had been before.  We all voted against meanness, against cruelty, and against that kind of attack.  We expected our leaders to be community builders, community players.  We voted in people who would care about the well being of even their opponents because we knew that that would reflect how they would treat each of us, how they would respond to our wishes for the Band.  Or, to be more accurate in this case, we voted against someone who was so self-focused and self-aggrandizing that they were willing to be cruel even to their best friend to try to get what they wanted.
       Unfortunately, this election does not seem to mirror the choices of our country.  Instead, studies show that the mudslinging campaigns of attack on one another WORK.  Usually, the person who does the most cruel (and often libelous) attacking of his/her competition wins in our bigger elections.  These candidates avoid saying how they really feel about anything, and so people assume these folk are on the same page in terms of values.  We hear from these candidates what is wrong with everyone else and that works to sway votes away those they are slamming, even when the things they say are lies, even when there is not a hint of truth in them.  We vote in those who are best at cruelty, lying, and vicious attacks.  Is that really what we want for the leadership or our country?  
       I recently was in a conversation with someone who is my political opposite.  I heard him say in light of the terrible way our politicians are treating everyone, are speaking about everyone, are attacking those they are running against, even on the same general "side," that he would choose to vote in this upcoming election for anyone who did not behave in this horrible way.  He would vote for the first person who chose, in their campaign, to speak about what they valued, what they wanted, and what they believed, rather than speaking only to attack everyone else.  And for the first time in our history together, I found myself on the same page as him.
      I am deeply dismayed by what has been happening in our country, the policies that are so cruel, the hatred of anyone who is different from us, the constant villainization of the "other".  I think that all of that is both a reflection of the very way in which people talk about and to one another these days, and it is condoning, and affirming this horrible way of treating each other on a day to day basis.       There is a Sweet Honey in the Rock song based on a Chinese proverb that basically says that what you are at heart is reflected in your small actions that reflect into the larger attitudes and actions of the family, then the nation, then the world.  We have forgotten this wisdom, this truth.
    The bottom line:
         If we want our world to be better, it has to begin with the ways we treat one another now, here, today.  If we want our world to be better, we have to be kind to one another.  But more, we must affirm kindness and expect kindness from our leaders.  When we not only tolerate but condone and affirm cruelty from our leaders by our votes in reaction to their campaigns, what kind of naivete is it that expects that their intolerably vicious behavior will not then be aimed towards all of us in their policies, in their practices?  Personally, I've had enough.  I won't support that in any way.  I can't.  I'm voting for compassion this year.  I'm voting for kindness.  I'm voting for Love.

Moments of Kindness

       I think right now it can be so hard to see people as kind, as good.  We hear about these outrageous cruelties, many of them perpetuated by our government, but supported by the people in this country: keeping children in cages, tearing them apart from their families, letting them die of neglect, dehydration, sexual abuse; sending people back to countries where they will die from persecution or from lack of medical care; the racism, the attacks on people of different orientations, identities, faiths... the list goes on and on.  I see this in smaller ways by the way people are now acting in their cars.  Red lights out here are merely suggestions and people are no longer feeling they have to obey basic rules of the road.  They take what they want, when they want it, and to hell with anyone else.  It is disturbing.  It is distressing.  When they do this in the name of God, in the name of a God who is, instead, all about love and caring and kindness, it takes on a demonic quality.  It is evil.
         And I find in the face of all of it, that it can be very hard to hold on to any respect for humanity.  I do not understand how we can be so unkind to our own (and they are ALL our own: brothers and sisters whom we are called to treat as such).  I do not understand the greed, the fear of others, the decision to not see other people as people.  It is devastating, it is beyond comprehension.  There are more days than not that I feel a sense of despair for our world.
         In the midst of all of this, I am trying to follow Mr. Roger's encouragement to "look towards the helpers."  But more, I am mixing this with Micah's command about loving kindness.  And while I am doing my best to act with kindness, even in the face of cruelty, I am also looking, constantly, for the ways in which others are being kind.
       Yesterday I was walking across Clayton Rd (a very busy street), and I was seeing more of this crazy driving thing.  I had a green light to walk across, but the cars turning right onto Clayton from Ygnacio did not care that a pedestrian was trying to cross with the green light.  They continued to zoom around the corner in front of me.  But eventually a truck came to the light and stopped to let me through.  I walked very quickly across so he could turn.  We both waved at one another: both of us.  I was thanking him for letting me through.  He was probably both acknowledging that and thanking me for walking quickly so he could turn.  Obviously that wave was a really small thing.  A truly small effort on both of our parts.  But it stayed with me, gave me a vision of hope.  Those tiny acts of kindness... they can mean the world.
       The more I look, the more I see.  And I am hoping that the kindnesses I see will inspire me to also be kinder in turn.  I plan to post new kindnesses, with regularity, on Facebook just to remind people of the good.  I am hoping the kindnesses of others will inspire us all to also be kinder.

What I would want if I were King.

           I don't know what happens after we die.  I've said this before.  My faith is not about "heaven insurance" and I don't find much in scripture, certainly nothing Jesus says, that I think gives any kind of actual clear image concerning an afterlife.  From a scientific perspective, nothing is created or lost: so my inclination is to believe the same is true of "souls," whatever that may be: and so I tend to think there is some kind of continuance.  But I won't try to imagine what that is for you or for me.
          That being said, I know what I'd like heaven to be... or afterlife, or whatever you want to call it.  While I'm not really a vengeful person, while I don't believe in violence as a solution or revenge scenarios, while I don't even think our retributive justice system with its "punishment" philosophy actually improves anything or makes people "learn their lessons" or even inhibits others from misbehaving, while I cannot accept that "an eye for an eye" is in any way a good idea (and as we know it certainly isn't a Godly one, as Jesus said again and again), there is a part of me that dreams of heaven as a place where people finally see what their actions have done.  I want people, especially those in power, to really understand and see at a deep level how self-serving and therefore how dreadfully attacking, unkind and abusive their decisions have been.  I want them to see that those they have vilified are in fact their brothers and sisters, people like themselves, who are equally loved, valued and cherished by God.  I want them to understand that to be unkind, to restrict access to needed things, good things, life-giving things for anyone is to injure everyone, including themselves.  I want everyone to have the eyes of God who loves us all with a ferocity that defies every way in which we see the world.  I want us to finally and fully comprehend that denying others a safe place to live, enough to eat, good education and health care, community, connection, compassion - is to be cruel and restrictive to God-self; that to build walls that keep others out is to separate ourselves from God in those other people, and to look with eyes of hate on anyone else is to hate God.  I want people to get that when we use and abuse the earth, we are using and abusing our mother, our creator, our core, our ultimate being.  And I want people to fully comprehend, from a deep place, that nothing that we have is "ours" - all of it is put in our stewardship to use for the good of all creation.  This is what I want.  I want this so badly that I lie awake at night envisioning the conversations between God and those who abuse their power and in the process end up killing and destroying people and the earth.  I don't want suffering: I imagine a God who is so full of compassion that She/He/They understand exactly why another can't see in this life-time.  My God has grace and love even for those who have harmed others.  But I do want everyone to see, to know, to have clarity around the choices they've made that have harmed and hurt.  That is my idea of "heaven" - a place of ultimate accountability in the sense of facing the vilification of others, the unjust fears that cause us to act without compassion or love in any situation and which continue to cause rifts that divide, destroy and will ultimately end life on this planet in one way or another.  I want people to see.  And I want it with every atom in my body.
            But the other day, my thinking around this moved a bit.  I believe deeply that God has given each of us free will.  I believe we are called to be in genuine relationship with God, and that means God will not, indeed cannot, control our thinking, control our actions, control what we see or fail to see, what we choose to believe or fail to believe.  I believe that God has given us this free will because God wants genuine relationships with us.  If our thinking/feeling/understanding is controlled by God, then the relationship is not genuine.  Instead we are puppets, controlled and manipulated and played.  I don't experience God this way.  Instead, I experience a God who really cares about each of us as we are, and who wants to know us as the people we choose to be.  I believe that is what the story about Adam and Eve is about: the choice that they made in the story to go against the wishes of God, while not what God desired, was none the less a choice they were given to make.  We continue to have the choice of exercising that free will.
          It suddenly occurred to me that this is a free will given for all time.  God always chooses relationship: that is the nature of God.  And that means we always have free will.  Therefore, even when the truth is right in front of us (and isn't that the case now?) some people can still choose not to see it, not to embrace it, not to accept it, and not to have it influence them.  It doesn't matter if it is in this life or in an afterlife.  This remains true.  This WILL remain true.
         I hate this.
         The visions or daydreams I have had about days of reckoning, especially for our leaders, suddenly expanded to hearing their response when faced with truth.
         God, "Do you see?  These people you are keeping 'out' - they are your brothers and sisters seeking asylum, seeking safety and life for their children.  They should be embraced, and helped, and healed."
        National leader: "No!  They are a threat."
        God: "They are not a threat.  They work hard, they struggle to survive.  They can expand and deepen your life.  Just like you (indeed for they ARE you, as we are all one another, all connected), they are simply trying to do the best for their children. They are my children too and I call you to love them as you love yourself.  Think of what they go through to try to get here.  They don't do this because they are fine where they are.  They are doing it to try to live, to try to create a life for their kids that is safe."
        NL: "No!  I hate them.  I don't want them.  They are not my brothers and sisters. They are trying to take what is MINE. I do not want them here.  They will change my world and I don't want my world changed."
        God: "It is not yours.  It's all mine, put into your hands to share for the good of all."
       NL:  "No.  I made this happen.  This is mine.  I worked for this.  Or you gave it to me for my own use because I am better.  I deserve this.  I will not share.  I will protect what is mine at whatever cost to anyone else."
        God: "Even at the cost to your children and grandchildren?  What you are doing is destroying the earth."
       NL: "No.  It's not my fault and it's not my responsibility."
        And so the conversation continued...
        Every day I am broken hearted by what I see.  Every day I am astounded that anyone could ever think that the separating of children from parents, that the killing of children by neglect and dehydration, that the hatred we send to people of different colors, backgrounds, languages, faith traditions, sexual orientations and places of birth... that we could ever think any of that is somehow okay with God.  Every day I weep from what I witness and strive to find a way to walk differently in a world that is increasingly accepting of hate, division and apathy towards others.  Each summer I am more and more frightened by the changes I experience in the climate, in our environment, in our world and I struggle to understand why some people continue to bury their heads in the sand and to live in such fear of the truth that they deny it altogether.  I want that to change.  I am aware that I am not doing enough to make the changes.  And yet I do not see the way forward into change.  I do not know what I am to do except to continue to speak, to learn as much as I can, and to share both what I know and what I experience, both as a human and as a person of faith.
         But this week I have had to give up on my own "revenge fantasies" of people simply seeing truth.  I have had to give that up as I've come to realize that those who do not want to see won't.  And those unable to self-reflect won't.  And those who do not want to own our part in the suffering of the world and our responsibility to help and to heal, will continue to grab what they can for themselves and will not see the bigger picture of our connection to everyone else and our need to care for them as if they were our own, because they are.  We belong to one another.  If we don't all work together, we will all perish together.  But I came to realize at a deeper level that this is the path that we are on...
        And my heart aches, and I weep.
        I am weary with the efforts, and I have had to let go of much of the hope...

        And then, after writing the above, I talked to my eldest daughter.  She struggles too.  She is my daughter in many senses of the word, and one of those has to do with her level of grief when she loses those she loves, and the depth of her anxiety when she faces change.  This, my girl, who struggles in many ways more than I ever have; who is afraid to return to school, afraid to see those places where friends she loved who have now graduated once walked, afraid to step forward into the new - I spoke with her.  I shared with her some of my fears and my concerns.  And in that place of pain and struggle, she still had the ability to say to me, "No one is beyond redemption.  We all learn and see and hear in different ways.  Different things cause us to grow and learn and move.  But God knows us fully.  And God knows what will help us to see.  We will all see.  All of us.  Including you and I: we will see our blind spots too.  And we will be shown those with grace and compassion and in the way that we can best hear and see.  There is hope.  Maybe not in this life, but there is hope."
        And so I wept again: this time with gratitude for my girl, for her vision, for her love, for her wisdom.  I saw with new eyes.  And what I saw was very good.

The Power of Kindness ("The Power Of..." Part II)

       Once again I am a bit late in deciding what my Lenten discipline will be this year.  It's not that I hadn't been thinking about it - I had.  I thought at first that maybe I would give up media at home: I've done that before, just really focused on time with my kids without computer, phone or TV interruption.  But this year with the Olympics it isn't so easy since the kids and David also want to watch these.  I thought about giving up sweets, but again, can't get the kids on board with this particular practice and it is really hard to do this when others are not limiting their sweet intake.
        But finally the universe conspired to show me what it is I really need to do for my Lenten discipline this year.
         First, I saw a clip from Oprah in which she was talking to a young woman about deciding what kind of energy she would choose to keep around her: positive energy in the form of kind, helpful people or negative energy from angry, attacking, abusive people.  The young woman said she wanted to do good by helping the negative folk to become more positive.  Oprah said, "that's great, but..." and went on to talk about how others' negative energy can really impact us in harmful ways if we do not also have people around who boost us up, affirm life and remind us of the good in the world.                Second, I saw this paragraph posted on a friend's FB page, "You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you, making you spill your coffee everywhere.  Why did you spill coffee?  You spilled coffee because that was what was in your cup.  Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.  The point is that whatever is inside the cup, that is what will spill out when it is bumped.  When life comes along and shakes you (which will happen), whatever is inside you will splash out.  It's easy to fake it until you get rattled.  So, we have to ask ourselves, "what's in my cup?"  When life gets tough, what will spill out?  Joy, gratefulness, peace, and humility?  Or will anger, bitterness, harsh words and violent reactions come out?  Today let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation, kindness, gentleness and love for others."
       And finally, I read several comments in response to posts on FB that were, frankly and simply, unkind.  There was no reason for the cruelty, there was no reason for the unkindness.  In one post a mother shared the joy of having a 19 month old boy who was doing very well. Her post was a happy comment about a joyful boy and it ended with "tell me the wonderful things about your children and what they do that makes you proud!" This very positive, affirming post was met with attacks accusing her of bragging and trying to make others feel bad.  It was absolutely unkind.  And as a result, she left the mothering group that I was part of, saying she joined for support and was leaving because of the unkindness she found instead.  I understand her experience.  I had to leave a group of pastors recently (yes, pastors!) because one of the administrators of the group was attacking and unkind to me when I shared something very vulnerable, very personal, and very hard.
       All three of these events coincided in a way that made the discipline of this Lent a clear choice for me: I will be focusing on kindness.  I will work hard not to respond to others, even to people who are being mean, with anger.  I will look hard for the kindness that surrounds me.  I will focus on the good, the positive, the life-giving joy and beauty in each day. I will delight in what is lovely and on actions of grace and unexpected generosity.  I will live into what is wonderful each day. And I will do my best to pass on kindness and care to others.
        Towards this end, I may have to turn off much of the negativity, stay away from FB at times unless it is to post something positive, but I will work hard to surround myself with those who are gentle and humble and kind.
       I find that once I start looking for the good, for the kind, that it surrounds me constantly, and often comes in unexpected ways: David spinning my daughter down the aisle in the grocery store, my children saying silly things that bring the deep gift of laughter, kind comments of appreciation, beautiful stories of generosity towards others, smiles from strangers, the offer of help with the simple things: carrying in a large box, taking off one's coat, getting out of a car.
      It is not only easy to see kindness once we start looking for it, it is also easy to participate in it.  Ask people how they are, not as a brush-off salutation, but with genuine interest.  Bring a flower to someone.  Write a thank you note just saying you appreciate another person for being who they are and doing what they do.  Offer a meal, offer a prayer, offer a shoulder to cry on.  Take a moment to compliment someone, to offer an affirmation of caring and support.  Pick up a piece of garbage and throw it away.  Wash an extra dish, one that isn't yours.  Take an extra minute of time to be with someone else.
       The power of kindness increases with every moment of attention we give to it.  Seeing, noting and giving attention to the good and then taking time to pass it on or to offer gratitude for it: these make a difference.
       I begin my Lenten practice of noticing and participating in kindness then by thanking all of you who read my blog.  It is the highest of affirmations to know that my words and thoughts are read, that they matter to someone else.  It is a vote of confidence and support that does not go unnoticed by me.  I am grateful that you spend that time with me in this way.  I am grateful that you feel my words and my person are worth your attention.  Have a beautiful day.  And do not underestimate the power of your kindness to me, or to others!

Unkindness and self-righteousness

     We live in a time when self-righteous judging is just a fact of life.  We judge each other, condemn each other, without listening, without even talking about what specifically we don't like or why.  It's just judgment, just condemnation, just attacks and accusations, without the conversations, without real engagement with folk about their thoughts, their ideas, their feelings, their histories, or what creates the world views and opinions that we each have.
      I saw an article (well, video) recently that said that contempt is the current biggest problem with American politics.  It really resonated with me because, again, we aren't kind.  And it seems to me there are a few basic, human things we could do to begin to change this.
    1.  Confront ideas rather than attacking people.  We don't have to call people names or condemn people, even those who've done really awful things.  We can, instead, critique ideas or even behaviors (like, for example, the behaviors of being self-righteous and attacking).  One of the gifts of this is that it gives people the benefit of the doubt.  It recognizes the humanity of the other person which should supersede a person's ideas or even their actions.  It is a way of saying that we believe the other to basically be a decent person who just sees the world differently and explores the possibilities of why that might be the case.
    2.  When we disagree with something, don't like it, or think it is wrong, we should say what specifically we don't agree with and then say why.  Global statements, "you are wrong" or even "I don't like what you said" or "the way you do this is not acceptable" are not helpful to anyone because they are not specific.  Statements like that create enemies, they set up walls and barriers between people without there ever being an opportunity for learning, understanding or bridge-building.  Specific statements, "When you said x, it was unjust or unfair because of y" or even better, "when you did x, I felt y because z" (so putting it back to ourselves, claiming our part, claiming what bothered me specifically rather than attacking the other person) are much, much more helpful because they allow for dialogue, they open the possibility of learning and exploration of ideas, they move us forward in communication with each other.
    3.  Chose always to start with compassion and understanding rather than fury, rage, or hatred.  This one is harder, MUCH harder.  When we are attacked, it is normal, it is almost instinctual, to respond with a counter attack.  But taking a deep breathe and trying to hear under the rage, to hear under the anger, to listen to the pain, to the life story of the other person will go a long way towards building bridges, creating communication and furthering the possibilities of learning, growth and movement.
    4.  Try to have real conversations, not through social media, but in person and using our words, rather than memes and constant attacking posts.
     
      There are other ways we can work towards building bridges as well, but I think that these really simple things are so important to the way we communicate with each other.  We are becoming increasingly isolated, increasingly polarized, and we make enemies far too quickly of people who should be our allies, should be other human beings on the same journey as we are, should become friends and family.  We miss out simply by failing to be kind, failing to listen, and failing to communicate specifically, clearly, and directly when we disagree with something.

      Personally, I was just confronted with a situation in which I was attacked by someone who should have been a support person, through social media, for something I said without the specifics of why what I said was a problem; and, equally, without any comprehension that I was sharing about a problem that I, myself, carry and deal with every single day.  The cruelty and condemnation of the other person was overwhelming. I tried to respond with clarity and and an apology, only to be met with silence. This happens. I had a choice then, in that moment.  Do I practice what I preach and try to stay engaged?  Asking for more clarity?  Speaking with love and compassion?  Or do I let the door that the other self-righteously and judgmentally slammed stay closed?  I'll admit that in the moment I was not able to continue the engagement. There was no way to have a real, actual, in person conversation. Plus, the attack had been far too personal, far too intimate an attack for me to stay engaged in that moment. And finally, my attempts at communication were met with silence, without explanations, without specifics. I've had to realize that not all people who claim to be loving and compassionate can be, or can be at all times. Some carry their own scars, some carry their own chips on their shoulders that they are simply unable to put down; and some, I've finally come to believe, are simply not good people. They attack the weakest and most vulnerable among us at their weakest and most vulnerable moments, without self reflection and without a willingness to hear others.  Sometimes that means we have to turn away, simply to take care of ourselves.
      But most of the time, I think we can use the reasons I've just listen as my own, as an excuse to fail to engage in real conversation.  And my sense is that the more we practice bridge-building communication and listening, the better we will become at it.  Also, we have a responsibility to stand up to bullies, not by bullying back, but by engaging them in the ways I've listed, if not for our own sake, then for the sake of those who are not as able to stand up for themselves.  We never know when our own choices to be compassionate may change someone else.  We never know when we actually touch someone or make a difference.  But I can pretty much guarantee that we don't change others for the better by being cruel, condemning, self-righteous or judging.
      No doubt I should have tried harder in my own situation.  But I suppose the self change and choices to engage start with an awareness that we have choices; that we can choose compassion in the face of cruelty, that we can be bridge-builders even with those who don't know how to listen or communicate without judgment or condemnation; that the place of power is one not of being reactive to others' anger or hate but being proactively compassionate and grace-filled.  It's a goal for me.  I hope it will be for you, too!

What is Strength?

      I am coming to see that we need to change our entire approach to understanding and responding to one another's struggles.  We need to understand emotional pain, mental illness, and emotional sensitivity from a very different perspective.  The journey to make this change in our thinking is very slow.  We mostly still see those who struggle with chronic emotional pain as weak, rather than as the incredibly strong people they are, carrying daily burdens of pain and facing each day with courage.  We also still think that what people who are sensitive and easily injured by bullies need to do is just "develop a thicker skin".  Both of these are seriously problematic.  Both of these ways of seeing the world function within a very individualistic, non-feeling model that says that the problems we have are our own, that emotions are to be distrusted and squelched when possible, and that when someone is a victim and someone is a perpetrator, that it is the victim who needs to adjust and change. This world-view supports the idea that we should be in our heads rather than our hearts; it places our hearts and our feelings in a subservient position to our thinking; it elevates an ideal of cold independent distance over a world view that says we are interdependent and that our feelings have their own wisdom, one that should be attended to.  If we want a gentler, kinder, more caring world, that has to start by listening to the wisdom of our feelings; it must recognize that we are created to be in community, and that means understanding that we all need one another (and not just people, but all of creation) to be whole and healthy.
      I've written before that people who live with and function with the chronic pain of mental illness (depression, bipolar, etc) are some of the strongest people I know.  This continues to be reinforced for me as I talk with more and more folk who go through each day carrying the emotional (and physical because the emotional pain is also physically oppressive) burdens they carry simply because they have to: for their kids, for their families, for their God, for whatever reason they choose to move forward each day.
    Unfortunately, it has also been reinforced for me that most people still believe that those who struggle with mental illness are somehow weak.  Part of this belief stems from the misguided thinking that says that if someone asks for help, or calls for support, that they are weak. We should be able to walk this path alone, on our own, without the care or support of others, apparently.  Again, this emphasizes an individualistic model in which people who reach out and need each other are not strong enough to walk alone. It fails to recognize that we all need each other, sometimes more and sometimes less, to help us walk this journey called life.
     Another example: I read a recent article that said that when people have been hurt or affected by cruelty of others they are often told to "buck up", to "get over it", to "develop a thicker skin."  This author was saying that actually, going through the pain, discussing it, and working it out is a much healthier model.  Talking about the things that affect us, that hurt us, sharing and working it through with other people is a better way of healing ourselves and others.  Do we really aim to become people who are without sensitivity?  Without empathy?  Without the ability to care and be affected by and touched by the thoughts, feelings and actions of those around us?  Do we really think that we should permit and tacitly condone meanness because it toughens us and that the issue when people are being treated cruelly is with the one being victimized rather than the one perpetrating the act?  With our children, we have advanced in this area more quickly than with adults. We are coming to see that bullying is a problem and that children need to be taught to share their experiences of unkindness so that all of us can grow and all of us can work harder to find the bullies, confront the mean behavior and change it so that those kids do not grow up to be villains.  But we often still say to adults who are being treated with unkindness, "you need to get a tougher exterior."  Actually, tougher exteriors are not a good goal unless we hope for an insensitive world of tough but unfeeling people.
      I strongly resonated with the author's words on this. Just as I believe it is not about developing a tougher skin, but about working through the pain when someone is unkind, I also believe that when people ask for help because they are suffering emotionally, that this too needs to be recognized not as weakness, but as strength.  It takes courage and trust to ask for help.  It takes self-awareness to know when one is carrying burdens that are too much to bear on one's own.  It takes wisdom to discern who will be helpful to the one struggling and who can be relied on to stand by us in times of trial.
      These are two examples of ways in which our thinking around all of this needs to change.  We have to let go of the belief that we walk this planet as individuals separate and independent from each other.  In reality we need each other at every step of the way.  It is not just a trade model that causes interaction, but a deep seated human need for community.  We have been created as relational, interdependent beings.
       Strength for me is the ability to recognize our needs, to be able to be honest about our feelings, and to risk a community of friends to support one another in our daily struggles.  Strength for me is the ability to walk forward every day when things are at their worse for whatever reason, simply because we have to.  Strength is claiming the wisdom of our feelings and our sensitivities for identifying when something needs to change.
      We won't be able to change the thinking of the world around feelings, independence and strength overnight.  But if we can start with ourselves and our own communities, teaching one another to respect and honor feelings, standing with each other in our relationships, recognizing the strength it takes to ask for help and to walk the journeys, then we have made a step forward. Because again, everything we do affects one another.  The change therefore that starts with the thinking of one person can affect us all for the better.