"I'm just being honest"

     I love that phrase, "I'm just being honest."  I equally love the phrase, "I'm just speaking my truth".  Please note the heavy sarcasm in my comments.  These are two phrases that are used to justify cruelty.  Somehow, as a culture, we believe that honesty and the integrity of being one's genuine self are acceptable excuses for truly unkind, hurtful words.  But really, are they?

    It's not that people don't need feedback.  And it's not that people don't need to hear hard truths.  We all can grow, we all can learn, we all have blind spots in our self-understanding that mean that the constructive feedback of others can help us move forward on our journeys.  Seeing things in a new way, learning how things we have been part of or have done might have caused damage: these are important lessons for all of us.  But please notice that I used the word "constructive" when I talked about feedback.  Attacking someone's personality or saying things in a way that is simply negative is not constructive.  Those comments are seldom truly heard in a way that can communicate something helpful to a person and it is extremely rare that a person can grow from mean comments.  There are ways we can communicate truths that do help people to grow, to learn, and to move.  

    Bottom line: when people say "I'm just being honest" or "I'm just speaking my truth" what I now hear is "I am being lazy" - too lazy to think through a positive, constructive, or helpful way of giving feedback or speaking truth.  There are always ways to communicate that are equally honest, but are not cruel, generalizing, vague or violent.  While it may take work to figure out how to say those things, that work is worth the effort if it actually has a chance of communicating something helpful, something important, and something that is not just inflammatory or destructive.  Cruel words are damaging, not "honest".  

    I struggle to understand, truly, why people do say those mean things.  Do they not see that this reflects much more on themself, on the kind of person they are choosing to be, than on the one they are attacking?  Do they not understand that when people hear meanness coming from someone, they are much less likely to trust and value the person expressing the cruelty than they are to then see the one who has been attacked in a negative way?  

    Unfortunately, I guess this is not universal.  I did hear someone recently extol the "loyalty" of another person, who then went on to describe that loyalty as manifesting in the attacking and unkind words they spoke to another person that they both didn't like.  I found myself staring at the one telling me of the "loyalty" of the other, wondering how long it would take them to realize that someone who is unkind is someone who is unkind.  While that person's unkindness was directed at another in this instant, how long will it take for that unkindness to circle around to the one praising it at that moment?  Not long.  Never long.  

    So, to take my own advice here, I don't want to just stay in the "attack" but also want to offer other ways we can express our truths that might be more helpful.  Using "I" phrases is always a good start.  "I feel x when you do y because of z".  "When x happened, I felt y because of z."  Those are good starts.  Wondering is also helpful, "I'm wondering about this thing over here that happened.  Can you tell me more what you were hoping for/working towards/expecting when you said or did x?"  "I'm wondering how it felt to say x?  I'm wondering what happened that led to this?"  We can learn to address specific events rather than globalizing.  Instead of "Why do you ALWAYS..." we can say, "I'm thinking about what just happened and wondering if you can tell me more about it from your perspective."  "I noticed that Saturday when Naomi said x, you responded with y and I'm wondering what that was about for you."

    I understand that sometimes these things feel contrived.  But isn't it better to work on learning to communicate in helpful ways?  It may take practice, but we can learn and then it will become second nature and not feel contrived anymore.

    I write this to myself as well.  I am currently wondering what led that person to use that phrase, "I'm just being honest." And I'm feeling sad that I heard it yet again because it triggered for me memories of when, as a child, another child used that as an excuse to say unspeakably cruel things.  I wonder what they were hoping to communicate.  And I'm hoping that I can learn more from the underlying beliefs and ideas when I am able to ask deeper questions.  

    One step at a time, here.  One step at a time.