We live in a time when self-righteous judging is just a fact of life. We judge each other, condemn each other, without listening, without even talking about what specifically we don't like or why. It's just judgment, just condemnation, just attacks and accusations, without the conversations, without real engagement with folk about their thoughts, their ideas, their feelings, their histories, or what creates the world views and opinions that we each have.
I saw an article (well, video) recently that said that contempt is the current biggest problem with American politics. It really resonated with me because, again, we aren't kind. And it seems to me there are a few basic, human things we could do to begin to change this.
1. Confront ideas rather than attacking people. We don't have to call people names or condemn people, even those who've done really awful things. We can, instead, critique ideas or even behaviors (like, for example, the behaviors of being self-righteous and attacking). One of the gifts of this is that it gives people the benefit of the doubt. It recognizes the humanity of the other person which should supersede a person's ideas or even their actions. It is a way of saying that we believe the other to basically be a decent person who just sees the world differently and explores the possibilities of why that might be the case.
2. When we disagree with something, don't like it, or think it is wrong, we should say what specifically we don't agree with and then say why. Global statements, "you are wrong" or even "I don't like what you said" or "the way you do this is not acceptable" are not helpful to anyone because they are not specific. Statements like that create enemies, they set up walls and barriers between people without there ever being an opportunity for learning, understanding or bridge-building. Specific statements, "When you said x, it was unjust or unfair because of y" or even better, "when you did x, I felt y because z" (so putting it back to ourselves, claiming our part, claiming what bothered me specifically rather than attacking the other person) are much, much more helpful because they allow for dialogue, they open the possibility of learning and exploration of ideas, they move us forward in communication with each other.
3. Chose always to start with compassion and understanding rather than fury, rage, or hatred. This one is harder, MUCH harder. When we are attacked, it is normal, it is almost instinctual, to respond with a counter attack. But taking a deep breathe and trying to hear under the rage, to hear under the anger, to listen to the pain, to the life story of the other person will go a long way towards building bridges, creating communication and furthering the possibilities of learning, growth and movement.
4. Try to have real conversations, not through social media, but in person and using our words, rather than memes and constant attacking posts.
There are other ways we can work towards building bridges as well, but I think that these really simple things are so important to the way we communicate with each other. We are becoming increasingly isolated, increasingly polarized, and we make enemies far too quickly of people who should be our allies, should be other human beings on the same journey as we are, should become friends and family. We miss out simply by failing to be kind, failing to listen, and failing to communicate specifically, clearly, and directly when we disagree with something.
Personally, I was just confronted with a situation in which I was attacked by someone who should have been a support person, through social media, for something I said without the specifics of why what I said was a problem; and, equally, without any comprehension that I was sharing about a problem that I, myself, carry and deal with every single day. The cruelty and condemnation of the other person was overwhelming. I tried to respond with clarity and and an apology, only to be met with silence. This happens. I had a choice then, in that moment. Do I practice what I preach and try to stay engaged? Asking for more clarity? Speaking with love and compassion? Or do I let the door that the other self-righteously and judgmentally slammed stay closed? I'll admit that in the moment I was not able to continue the engagement. There was no way to have a real, actual, in person conversation. Plus, the attack had been far too personal, far too intimate an attack for me to stay engaged in that moment. And finally, my attempts at communication were met with silence, without explanations, without specifics. I've had to realize that not all people who claim to be loving and compassionate can be, or can be at all times. Some carry their own scars, some carry their own chips on their shoulders that they are simply unable to put down; and some, I've finally come to believe, are simply not good people. They attack the weakest and most vulnerable among us at their weakest and most vulnerable moments, without self reflection and without a willingness to hear others. Sometimes that means we have to turn away, simply to take care of ourselves.
But most of the time, I think we can use the reasons I've just listen as my own, as an excuse to fail to engage in real conversation. And my sense is that the more we practice bridge-building communication and listening, the better we will become at it. Also, we have a responsibility to stand up to bullies, not by bullying back, but by engaging them in the ways I've listed, if not for our own sake, then for the sake of those who are not as able to stand up for themselves. We never know when our own choices to be compassionate may change someone else. We never know when we actually touch someone or make a difference. But I can pretty much guarantee that we don't change others for the better by being cruel, condemning, self-righteous or judging.
No doubt I should have tried harder in my own situation. But I suppose the self change and choices to engage start with an awareness that we have choices; that we can choose compassion in the face of cruelty, that we can be bridge-builders even with those who don't know how to listen or communicate without judgment or condemnation; that the place of power is one not of being reactive to others' anger or hate but being proactively compassionate and grace-filled. It's a goal for me. I hope it will be for you, too!
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