A Moment of Kindness??

     Last week I was walking with the two young adults who are currently at home.  We were stopped at the corner of a busy intersection waiting for the light to change, when a car full of teenagers also stopped at the light.  One of the young men in the back seat of the car called out to us, "Hello!"  

    I said "Hello," in response.  

    He then said, "You're beautiful!" to which I responded, "Thank you.  So are you!" and then the light changed and we all moved on.

    My youngest turned to me and said, "Mom, he was being sarcastic and mean."  

    I said, "How do you know that?"

    "I know it because he is the same age as the kids at my school and that's how they are."

    Hm.  Perhaps my daughter did not believe a teenage boy could possibly think I was beautiful. Perhaps the boy was referring to my two kids when he said, "you are beautiful," in which case, the "thank you" still held for me: "thank you for seeing the beauty in my progeny."  Still, I would be lying if I said that the same thought that maybe he was just being sarcastic and mean had not crossed my mind as well.  Perhaps when they drove off they all had a good laugh.  Maybe. But several things occur to me.  

    First of all, we can't paint everyone, including boys of a certain age, with the same brush.  It isn't healthy for us to stereotype or prejudge others.  Assuming others' motives is not helpful for anyone.  

    Secondly, once again I had a choice about how to see or frame this situation.  I could have chosen to be hurt by his "meanness."  I could have chosen to discount him as "just a kid being unkind because that's what boys of a certain age do when they are with their friends."  Or I could choose, as I did, to be bolstered and uplifted by the kind words of a stranger.  There is a wise 12-step saying, "It's none of my business what you think of me."  What is my business is how I am treated and how I choose to respond to the treatment that comes my way.  I choose to take kindness at face-value and to appreciate those moments when good is offered by strangers, whatever the thinking behind it might be.

    Finally, I was saddened by my youngest child's cynical view of the world.  I asked her, "So, are all your friends at school mean like that?"

    "Well, no," she said.

    "Then why would you assume that these kids were being mean?"

    "Well, my friends would not have said anything to a stranger."

    "Then that is their loss, isn't it?  If you have an opportunity for kindness, I would hope that you and your friends would take it, even if that moment of kindness is being offered to a stranger."

    I am troubled by this conversation.  Are we raising cynical children who expect unkindness, maybe especially from their peers?  Perhaps her expectation protects her when cruelty comes.  But also, sometimes people rise to the level of expectation.  And if we expect our teenage boys, in particular, to be cruel won't that expectation inevitably encourage them to be just that?  What if, instead, we expected them to be polite, respectful, to go the extra mile to be kind?  

    As I have often said, I believe we tend to project out onto others our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  So my conversation with Youngest continues.  I want her to take the opportunities to uplift all those around her, even strangers.  Perhaps if it were habitual in her own behavior, she would not be so cynical about expecting others to behave in the same way.  

    My youngest may be right and again, the boy in the car may have been having a laugh at my expense.  But I do not choose to be brought down by that.  Instead, I choose to take in the words, "You are beautiful" from a stranger and to pass them back, "So are you!"  It made my day brighter, regardless of my daughter's interpretation.