When I was in seminary, I supported myself by working as an organist/choir director for a local congregation. I quit that position my final year of seminary to do my internship and finish school. The church I had worked for hired another young woman to take my place. After she had been there about two months she called me, very upset, and said that she believed the pastor's wife (who sang in the choir) did not like her, was "out to get her" and was frankly just plain mean. This had not been my experience of the pastor's wife at all. My experience of her was that she was very sweet, very kind and very supportive. I tried to tell the new music director that I did not believe that the pastor's wife was acting out of malicious intentions, but the new music director did not believe me. About a week later the pastor's wife called me and said that no matter what she did, this new young woman was misunderstanding and taking offense. I suggested that perhaps both of them needed to be talking to each other, maybe with a third person present who knew them both, to help navigate the misunderstandings in their relationships. I offered to help, but they did not take me up on it. To this day, I don't know why either of them was calling me about it since they didn't really want my help and also weren't willing to change their assumptions about the thinking of the other.
On another occasion I received a letter from someone who similarly was accusing someone else of malicious intent after an event had occurred between them that had also ended in misunderstanding. Once again, I tried to help them to see a bit differently: I did not think the intention of either was malicious or even unkind. They had simply misunderstood one another.
Finally on a third occasion a letter caused a person to be very upset and to assume malicious intent when, if read with different eyes, the person would have instead heard the support and praise in the letter for what that person had been doing and had accomplished.
I have found myself wondering recently why we assume the worst of the other. Why, in each of these cases, was malicious intent assumed? Why did each of these people take offense and feel hurt when, if they had chosen different eyes, a different approach, a different start place, they would not have had to feel the unintended, un-wished-for pain?
But as I reflected on these three events, I realized that I had been doing the same with a couple folk in my own life. A couple folk have been making decisions and choosing actions that I have been taking very personally. I have been assuming anger towards myself or even hatred towards myself in both cases. And reflecting on these other stories caused me to pause. I could see that the women in the three stories above were hurt more by their own assumptions and their own decision to hear offense than the actions that led them to feel that way. It was very, very clear to me in each case that they could have chosen differently. They could have heard the support. They could have heard the caring. They could have seen whatever hurt them as an error on the part of the other, made without meanness or anger. They could have had compassion on those who committed the errors, seeing that they were shortsighted or unthinking rather than intentionally hurtful. But it took my reflecting on others' responses to see the error in my own.
I've mentioned before that I have a friend who, at one point, shared with me that she'd reached out three times over the years to another friend but hadn't ever heard back. When I asked about the friend, she said "Oh, yeah. It's time for me to try again!" She was not hurt at all that the friend had never responded. It did not occur to her to assume that the silence on the part of the other was malicious or intentional. My friend's actions showed me the possibility of a different way of responding in the face of "slights" or actions on the part of others that we don't necessarily understand.
Why do so many of us respond by assuming the worst? Maybe we feel it is better to suffer hurt now, to assume hurt now than to be caught in the unexpected realization of intended offense later. Maybe?
When I was in high school I had the experience of a person saying something really mean to me about something I had done. At the time, I assumed, in part because it was so attacking, they were kidding. I reacted, therefore, by laughing at the truth in the comment and joking about how I would probably mess up again in the future. Their response? Surprise at first, but then they laughed too; and the whole interaction moved from something that was potentially a hurtful fight into a funny, companionable laugh. It was their surprise that showed me that they had not intended it to be funny, but had intended for it to hurt. None the less, because I had first assumed, wrongly, only good intent, the situation actually ended better for both of us than it should have, than it would have, and certainly than it could have. My positive assumptions in that moment actually made things better.
My take away as I reflect on all of these events is that I need to work much more intentionally towards assuming the best of the other. I need to do it for them, for the situation, and mostly for myself. Yes, there is the possibility that I will be caught by surprise and find that the intention really was malicious, that the action really was taken out of anger, hate or spite. But my guess is the occasional discovery of true unkindness will be less painful, overall, than the many times I have mistakenly assumed mean intent. This is my challenge for today, and probably for the many years to come. Changing my mind-set around this will not be easy. But I have to believe it will be worth the effort. And again, I think the one who will benefit the most will be myself. I see the constant joy my friend carries who does not assume the negative. It is something I strive for in myself as well.
