An Act of Deep Kindness

          I woke up in the middle of the night with a memory about something I haven't thought of in a long time.  Right after college I spent some time as a mission volunteer for the Presbyterian Church.  I ended up in Santa Fe and when my volunteer time was ended, I stayed another year working as a full time musician.  I accompanied all of the vocal classes out at the community college and I played piano and organ for several local churches.  One of those churches was St. Francis Cathedral on the square.  I was invited to come one evening to their Saturday service and to help their music director who had been both directing and playing for the praise team.  I filled in that evening because he had broken his arm, but afterwards, he hired me (well, paid me a tiny stipend) to continue to play for them.  I loved this particular job for so many reasons, and I was happy to do it no matter what they paid or didn't pay.  The music was fun to play, but what was more important, the praise team itself was comprised of truly kind, loving, faithful people.  They were a wonderful small group and I enjoyed being with them.  As I said, we were a very small team.  One day we had two new people come join us: a young woman and her boyfriend.  We needed their voices, they sang very well and we were excited to welcome them.  
        However, the young woman took an instant dislike to me.  More, she was verbally nasty about it.  I cannot remember a single thing that she actually said.  What I remember is that she started, that very first night, to say mean and hurtful things about me to the other members of our little group.  The other members, as I said, were deeply faithful, loving people.  And so not one of them joined in with her comments.  They all looked very uneasy, uncomfortable, and said nothing.  None of the comments were said to me: they were all nasty comments said about me to the others in the group, but in a loud enough voice that I couldn't help but hear them.  There was no way to respond to these comments.  After the rehearsal, the choir director approached me and just asked me what I thought of the new couple.  I told him that I had heard her comments and didn't know what I had done to upset her so much but that they were very hurtful.
       The next time we met, she was there and her comments began almost immediately.  Again, I can remember no specifics of what she said.  But I remember with extreme clarity what happened next.  The choir director stopped the rehearsal, looked directly at this woman and said, "We are incredibly blessed to have Barbara here.  I pay her a pittance of what she deserves, but she comes every week and helps us out of the goodness of her heart and from a place of faith. We would not be the group that we are without her playing for us as she does.  I will not allow anything in this group that threatens her happiness and comfort here.  Therefore if anyone is unkind to her, they are not welcome to be part of this group."  All of us were stunned.  I was stunned most of all.  I did not expect him to be so direct, so confrontational or so strong in both his support of me and his insistence on the kindness of others.  Needless to say, the couple did not return.  We lost needed singers for the group.  At the same time, I will never forget that this man stood up for me, nor that he was willing to let people go in order to maintain the health and kindness of a team whose culture had been and returned to being one of great compassion and care for one another. 
        While I have not thought of this incident in years, I know that his willingness to stand up for me has given me likewise the strength to stand up for others.  I also find it so very interesting that while I usually remember every insult and rarely retain the compliments, that in this case, it is just the opposite.  I don't remember what she said about me at all.  I only remember the kindness of this man.  I wonder if this isn't the case for others when they are defended, protected, and valued in such a concrete way.  Those acts of kindness go in deep.  And they change who we are.
        As I've reflected on this memory, it brought to mind my favorite chapter from Jane Austen's book Emma. Mr. Elton is very unkind to Harriet because she loved him while being a poor "born out of wedlock" young woman.  She has no family connections or money and he feels it necessary to demean her and "put her in her place" for daring to care for him.  They are at a dance and someone suggests to Mr. Elton that he should dance with Harriet.  He not only refuses, but does so in a humiliating way that makes it clear he sees Harriet as dirt.  She is sitting in absolute shame when someone of a much higher class than Mr. Elton, upon seeing Mr. Elton's cruelty, walks angrily by him and asks Harriet to dance.  That kindness, too, changed Harriet for the better.  She no longer pines for Mr. Elton.  She realizes that kindness is higher and more important than class or money every single time.
        I am deeply grateful to the music director who stood up for me.  I am grateful for the memory waking me this morning.  And I pray it may continue to inspire me to also be kind and willing to stand up for those who experience unkindness or injustice in the future.

What is Strength?

      I am coming to see that we need to change our entire approach to understanding and responding to one another's struggles.  We need to understand emotional pain, mental illness, and emotional sensitivity from a very different perspective.  The journey to make this change in our thinking is very slow.  We mostly still see those who struggle with chronic emotional pain as weak, rather than as the incredibly strong people they are, carrying daily burdens of pain and facing each day with courage.  We also still think that what people who are sensitive and easily injured by bullies need to do is just "develop a thicker skin".  Both of these are seriously problematic.  Both of these ways of seeing the world function within a very individualistic, non-feeling model that says that the problems we have are our own, that emotions are to be distrusted and squelched when possible, and that when someone is a victim and someone is a perpetrator, that it is the victim who needs to adjust and change. This world-view supports the idea that we should be in our heads rather than our hearts; it places our hearts and our feelings in a subservient position to our thinking; it elevates an ideal of cold independent distance over a world view that says we are interdependent and that our feelings have their own wisdom, one that should be attended to.  If we want a gentler, kinder, more caring world, that has to start by listening to the wisdom of our feelings; it must recognize that we are created to be in community, and that means understanding that we all need one another (and not just people, but all of creation) to be whole and healthy.
      I've written before that people who live with and function with the chronic pain of mental illness (depression, bipolar, etc) are some of the strongest people I know.  This continues to be reinforced for me as I talk with more and more folk who go through each day carrying the emotional (and physical because the emotional pain is also physically oppressive) burdens they carry simply because they have to: for their kids, for their families, for their God, for whatever reason they choose to move forward each day.
    Unfortunately, it has also been reinforced for me that most people still believe that those who struggle with mental illness are somehow weak.  Part of this belief stems from the misguided thinking that says that if someone asks for help, or calls for support, that they are weak. We should be able to walk this path alone, on our own, without the care or support of others, apparently.  Again, this emphasizes an individualistic model in which people who reach out and need each other are not strong enough to walk alone. It fails to recognize that we all need each other, sometimes more and sometimes less, to help us walk this journey called life.
     Another example: I read a recent article that said that when people have been hurt or affected by cruelty of others they are often told to "buck up", to "get over it", to "develop a thicker skin."  This author was saying that actually, going through the pain, discussing it, and working it out is a much healthier model.  Talking about the things that affect us, that hurt us, sharing and working it through with other people is a better way of healing ourselves and others.  Do we really aim to become people who are without sensitivity?  Without empathy?  Without the ability to care and be affected by and touched by the thoughts, feelings and actions of those around us?  Do we really think that we should permit and tacitly condone meanness because it toughens us and that the issue when people are being treated cruelly is with the one being victimized rather than the one perpetrating the act?  With our children, we have advanced in this area more quickly than with adults. We are coming to see that bullying is a problem and that children need to be taught to share their experiences of unkindness so that all of us can grow and all of us can work harder to find the bullies, confront the mean behavior and change it so that those kids do not grow up to be villains.  But we often still say to adults who are being treated with unkindness, "you need to get a tougher exterior."  Actually, tougher exteriors are not a good goal unless we hope for an insensitive world of tough but unfeeling people.
      I strongly resonated with the author's words on this. Just as I believe it is not about developing a tougher skin, but about working through the pain when someone is unkind, I also believe that when people ask for help because they are suffering emotionally, that this too needs to be recognized not as weakness, but as strength.  It takes courage and trust to ask for help.  It takes self-awareness to know when one is carrying burdens that are too much to bear on one's own.  It takes wisdom to discern who will be helpful to the one struggling and who can be relied on to stand by us in times of trial.
      These are two examples of ways in which our thinking around all of this needs to change.  We have to let go of the belief that we walk this planet as individuals separate and independent from each other.  In reality we need each other at every step of the way.  It is not just a trade model that causes interaction, but a deep seated human need for community.  We have been created as relational, interdependent beings.
       Strength for me is the ability to recognize our needs, to be able to be honest about our feelings, and to risk a community of friends to support one another in our daily struggles.  Strength for me is the ability to walk forward every day when things are at their worse for whatever reason, simply because we have to.  Strength is claiming the wisdom of our feelings and our sensitivities for identifying when something needs to change.
      We won't be able to change the thinking of the world around feelings, independence and strength overnight.  But if we can start with ourselves and our own communities, teaching one another to respect and honor feelings, standing with each other in our relationships, recognizing the strength it takes to ask for help and to walk the journeys, then we have made a step forward. Because again, everything we do affects one another.  The change therefore that starts with the thinking of one person can affect us all for the better.

Those charming, charismatic kids - or Lessons from Jane Austen, Part II

       In all but one of Jane Austen's books there is a character who is absolutely charming but who turns out to be a scoundrel and the ultimate villain in her books.  In Pride and Prejudice it is Wickam.  In Sense and Sensibility it is Willoughby.  In Persuasion it is Mr. Elliott.  In Emma it is Frank Churchill.  In Mansfield Park it is Henry Crawford.  In Northanger Abbey it is Captain Tilney.  All of them have similarities.  They are charming. They are charismatic. They are entertaining. They are romantic. They are popular. They have skills and resources in abundance.  Some are good looking, some are rich.  But whatever else they have, their primary quality is that because of their charm, their charisma, they are easily admired by everyone around them. And because of all of that, they are used to getting what they want. People bend over backwards to be with them. Even smart, intelligent characters are fooled by them and would do anything for them.  But they have one other thing in common as well.  They have no morals, no compass, no true empathy for others, and they use and abuse others cruelly to get what they want without remorse or regret. They charm their way through anything and everything and still come out smelling like roses, even after they have devastated the lives of those around them. They smile, they nod their heads, and they move on to charm and then devastate other people. No matter who they have hurt or in what way, they still come off well, still end surrounded by people who admire them and want to be with them, still can get whatever they want through their charm and charisma. The conflict in many of these stories comes at the point at which someone says "no" to them.  Because they never hear "no", they deal with it poorly, usually by seeking revenge on the one who has seen through them.  Their revenge has the potential in each of these stories to ruin the main characters of the books.  My sense is that the only reason it doesn't is that these are stories, stories with the intention of happy endings.
       As I said in my last Jane Austen blog post, Jane Austen's gift is that she is able to capture accurately so much about human nature, and this is no exception.  Unfortunately, these charming, charismatic, delightful scoundrels are real. They charm and then use and abuse. They devastate lives, but do it with a smile and an "explanation" that is nothing but lies, but is also so seductive and inviting that most people are fooled and continue to want to be around them and give them whatever they want no matter what kind of damage they have done to others. They seek revenge when they hear "no" and do so with such charm and finesse that only the wisest see them for what they are, and those who are hurt by them often suffer multiple injuries since their version will never be believed when the charmer puts forward his own story. As Lizzie said in Pride and Prejudice, "And if I endeavour to undeceive people as to ... his conduct, who will believe me?"  Lizzie was respected and well liked, but she did not have the charismatic charm of Wickam.  She knew, then, that people would only really see him for who he was when he injured them directly.  And in the mean time, his previously cruel and vengeful behavior would have to go untold.
       I found myself reflecting on all of this this last week in regards to several different situations.  I have a friend who works with very young children.  She was sharing with me that one of the girls she works with has already begun this behavior.  She is cruel to the other children, but so charming when she chooses to be that everyone wants to be her friend.  She fools her parents and other adults, but when she believes she is not being watched, she says unspeakable things to the other children, and seeks revenge on any child who does not give her what she wants, primarily by socially alienating them. Through her charisma and charm she has the personal power to do that successfully and she uses it to bully, control and devastate children who have dared to exercise their own personal power, have dared to say "no" or have dared to do anything other than what this one girl wants in that moment. My friend has tried to encourage the other children to choose different children to play with. But this little girl has an amazing gravitational force that the other children simply don't know how to step away from to choose something different. Even in her best moments she is insensitive, unaware of the other kids' feelings, and hurtful as a result. As I listened to her story, I thought that since the parents and most other adults don't see it and aren't willing to try to correct it (my friend being the exception), this is a child who will continue to act this way, will have no reason to develop empathy for others and will no doubt become like one of the villains in a Jane Austen novel - charming and devastatingly cruel.
       Similarly, my youngest two children were talking about kids at their schools who behave like this.  By late elementary and junior high these behaviors have been honed in those who learn them. They are better about "sneaking" their cruel behavior while charming the adults or others with power who could challenge it or protect the other children hurt by it.  They form "cliques" of the popular kids who have that same gravitational force that draws others to want to be with them, want to be near them, even when they exclude, are unkind, or sometimes are truly cruel.
        I wish that this behavior were outgrown.  And I think that for some it is.  By college, I think most people do have some kind of empathy and conscience that kicks in.  But unfortunately it just doesn't for everyone.  If you were never forced to develop empathy as a kid, it may not be possible to develop it as an adult. Narcissistic personalities tend to be charming and without empathy. Psychopaths go a step further. They, too, are usually extremely charming and often viewed as very trustworthy, though they are incapable of truly empathizing with others (they are very capable of pretending empathy), and so their behavior is often cruel, especially when it serves their own purposes (see http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/02/12/differences-between-a-psychopath-vs-sociopath/), but again, often in a "hidden" way so that it does not become apparent to other people and they never have to experience the consequences of their cruelty. We still know adults acting in this way, we still find people using their charm to be cruel.
      As I've listened to the news over the last year, I have been struck by how many of these people have made it, through that charisma and charm, but without any empathy or morality, into very successful public lives: Several politicians in response to the massacres in Oregon and in Orlando saying, "stuff happens" (clearly incapable of empathy), that shop owner who rejoiced over the shooting in San Bernadino because as she said it, "killings always result in more gun sales!" (again, no empathy), other prominent figures, with their complete inability or desire to understand people who are different from themselves, different backgrounds, different classes, different cultures who are seen as disposable and whose deaths are not counted. Why do people listen to them?  Because they are seductive, they have a certain "charm". We hear about charismatic pastors on a regular basis who abuse that power with children or with their congregants. They are so loved by their congregations that even when they do truly unspeakable stuff, the charismatic leaders are usually defended and often fail to be held accountable.  I am certain that there are many who never get caught at all for the same reason.  "Who would believe it?" I hear Lizzie say once more. Rather than be victimized again by telling their story to people who would rather believe the charming, charismatic leader, many victims choose to remain silent.
      The point?  I guess the point is that we have to look deeper, always.  And that being seduced by charming, charismatic folk because it feels good to be around them rather than really looking at their behavior or their words for substance or lack there of leads to pain, if not for ourselves, then undoubtedly for others. That listening to those who aren't as charming or charismatic for their take on a story is more than important: it is vital.  That charm can be dangerous and seductive and one should be careful about trusting it: those who have it are used to getting their way and often have not learned how to handle disappointment with grace, nor to be sympathetic to other people's needs or experiences. And finally, that if you do find yourself the victim of one of these charming charismatic people, know that you aren't alone. That your seduction by their charm was a normal, natural, human reaction. Hopefully we learn from those painful lessons to look deeper the next time. And we can pray and work so that others aren't hurt in the same way. Perhaps the first step is simply to name it for what it is.

Instagram, Hate pages, Teen Suicide and Lord of the Flies

The rate of teen suicide is on the increase.  And lately there have been some news articles that trace some of these more recent suicides back to "hate pages" that kids write (and which these other kids then read) using instagram and other media tools that harass, humiliate, belittle and in some cases actually tell the kids they should die, that they'd be better off dead, that others want them dead.  There is a level of anonymity, and a total lack of accountability in these that allows this to occur in such a way that it is reminiscent for me of "Lord of the Flies".  In that story, the fact that there would be no accountability for their actions led a group of normal kids, led by a bully, to almost kill another in a horrible, brutal way.  This feels similar to me.  Children are being destroyed emotionally and the anonymity of some areas of the internet is allowing this to occur in incredibly brutal, painful ways without there being any accountability or even recourse to address it.  The anonymity behind this new form of bullying has sometimes encouraged other kids to participate in this behavior too who, if it weren't for the seeming distance created by the anonymity of the internet, would not be bullies at all.

I received a note in my email today letting me know that my eldest daughter's school is now aware of several cases of these anonymous hate pages being written to, for, and about kids at her school.  My daughter is not all that interested in social media, something I am deeply grateful for at the moment. But I worry, because she is sensitive.  And I think she would be an easy target for this kind of thing. I worry for her, specifically, because if she does eventually develop an interest in this kind of social media, she could be deeply injured by it.  But it causes me to worry in general as well.  I worry for the kids who are plugged in in this way, those who have experienced this kind of bullying and those who haven't yet but will experience it.  I worry not only for the kids who are bullied by this, but frankly for the bullies themselves.  What will it do to a kid's psyche to realize that they contributed to the death of one of their peers?  Some may have to live the rest of their lives with a deep guilt and shame.  Others may feel a power to destroy that they then want to explore further.  I worry about how the illusion of anonymity (because in fact, if someone really wants to, that anonymity can be broken through, especially on the internet), is giving license to behaviors that we otherwise recognize as despicable.

Of course, the situations in which it is of most concern involve our young people.  But the truth is that this anonymity leads adults also to behave in despicable ways.  I read the comments left on articles published in on-line journals and papers.  The more anonymous the commenters are allowed to be, the worse and more personally attacking the comments become.  The couple of truly nasty comments I have received at church have come anonymously.  There is not one person in my church whom I think of as unkind.  But apparently, under the guise of anonymity, even the behaviors of the most loving of us can take a mean turn.  It is hard at times to not lose all faith in humanity when we witness and experience what people do when they are allowed to be anonymous.  And I can't help but think that kids don't learn to act like this in a vacuum. We learn to be nasty by experiencing or witnessing others' nastiness.  We learn despicable behavior by experiencing and witnessing despicable behavior.

My challenge then for all of us is to strive to live as if all that we do were seen, because in fact, it all is.  If not by other people, then by God, or the Universe, or whatever you recognize as bigger than ourselves.  We don't go through life anonymously.  But even if we did, it would behoove us to strive, for the sake of those who watch and those who learn from that watching and those who experience our actions, to live life with integrity, compassion, love and a genuine effort to be the best we can be.  It is also something we need to discuss with our kids.  No matter how "safe" they may feel in these seemingly anonymous sites, they should never act with meanness towards others.  Those conversations need to be had.  It is not just the bullied who are being destroyed.  The bullies themselves are being injured too by being allowed to do this kind of damage to others.   It changes you to hurt someone else.  And my prayer is that the hurt we do to others is minimal, for the others' sakes, and for our own.