Aislynn and I went up to Old Sacramento on Saturday afternoon to have some mother-daughter time. We went to the Crocker Art Museum and then walked down to the train museum and wharf to get some ice cream (because in my mind Old Sacramento means trains and ice cream). As we walked into the ice cream store, we saw a sign in the middle of the entrance that read "Masks must be worn, as per state mandate. Anyone failing to comply with this mandate will not be served." We were wearing our masks, so not a big deal. We walked up to the counter, ordered our ice cream and stepped aside for the next person to order. Apparently the people who walked in behind us were not, however, wearing masks. One of the workers (my guess is the manager) said to the woman behind me, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but masks are required by state mandate within this facility. Please put on a mask. I believe I have one I can give you." After a minute, though, he said, "Oh, I'm sorry. It appears we have just run out. If you do not have your own mask, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
I don't know about you, but if I were asked to leave a facility, I would. I would do it out of embarrassment if nothing else. But also, I am lacking that sense of entitlement that some people apparently have. This woman was one of those people. "Well @#$% that!" She said, "I'm not going anywhere!"
She stepped up closer to the counter to order. The worker said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but if you do not leave, I'm going to have to call the police."
"You do that!" she said, and then proceeded to call him a list of nasty discriminatory slurs that I will not print here. She then turned to two of the other workers insisting that they take her order. The other workers both shook their heads and backed up, frankly looking a little scared.
The first worker responded by saying that yep, the slur she had used absolutely applied to him, and that as a result he was better at certain graphicly described behaviors than she was. He then repeated that if the woman did not leave, he was going to call the police.
The woman responded by approaching the counter and knocking everything on it to the floor, spilling the tip jar, scattering coins, making a huge and violent ruckus. The worker then bounded over the counter, the same counter that Aislynn and I were standing in front of (which we both quickly stepped back from), to move towards her, threatening to kill her at the same time and saying, "Don't think for a second that I won't do it!" She laughed and ran out.
Whew. Situation over. But frankly, Aislynn and I were so shaken by the incident that we did not have the ability to taste our ice creams at all.
While it is a challenge for me to NOT express some of my thoughts on all of this, today I am working hard to face that challenge because I don't see that as productive in this moment. What I want to focus on instead is this: I think the divisions in our country and in our society, the divisions that I saw escalate in that store, reveal a much larger issue.
We have forgotten that we belong to one another. We have forgotten that the person in front of you with whom you disagree is still your sister, is still your brother, is still your sibling. We have forgotten that we are to be kind and loving to others, even when they disagree with us, even when we don't like what they believe or what they do, even when we are embarrassed or uneasy, or hurt.
To put this a bit more forcefully: while it takes effort on our part to respond to anger with compassion, this is the job of being an adult. Having no self-control or ability to respond to anger with a calm and listening presence can only increase the divisions and the struggles in our world. To be kind, to be caring: these are not easy, but no one ever said that life would be easy. Just as you can spread violence by reacting with more violence, you can spread kindness by reacting with a calm and caring presence. YOU have the power to diffuse violent and scary situations with your very demeanor, with your caring, with listening deeply and responding with compassion.
So once again we have a choice to make: do we add to the pain, anger, and panic of the world by responding in kind when others lose it? Or can we be part of the solution and movement to make the world better by staying calm, by hearing one another, and by acting with love?
We won't always be able to do the right thing. I know this. As always, I'm preaching to myself here and I know that it is not easy to respond to nastiness, to hurtful comments or actions with kindness. It takes practice. But, for better or worse, we are getting a whole lot of practice of late! So take it for the gift it is: to practice taking the high road in the face of anger. People are stressed. People are scared. And ultimately, people are just people: flawed and trying to do the best they can in difficult circumstances. Try to picture each person as your mother, or your sister, or your best friend: someone having a hard day. You may disagree with them, but you can still love them.
If we can do anything to help the current situation in our culture, it's worth the effort.
That interaction that Aislynn and I witnessed did not just upset the manager and the customer. An ice cream store full of customers and employees were affected by what we experienced. And while, fortunately, no one was hurt, things could have gotten worse, they could have escalated even more. I am thankful that they didn't. But also saddened that it happened at all. It would have been so easy for either of the two main characters in this incident to take a different path. The woman could have just left when asked to do so. The manager could have stayed calm and just said, "I hear you are upset, but we are required to follow the law." So much could have been done differently. But it wasn't. So I'm just taking the lesson for what it was: a chance to think through my own reaction for the next time someone acts out. How will I respond? How will you respond? How will we make this world better together?
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