I've said many times before that the things we attack in others are usually parts of our own shadow side: that part of ourselves that we cannot face we project outwards and seek to destroy in the other. But to take this a step further, the assumptions we make about others also reflect much more on ourselves than they ever do about those our assumptions target or encompass. We therefore betray our own worst selves with our assumptions.
I found myself reflecting on this more strongly yesterday. My health insurance offers classes that you can take to reduce your co-pay and I'd taken one of their classes which happened to focus on forgiveness. There were MANY wonderful suggestions about how to forgive in this class, but the one that I felt was most helpful and most profound still surfaces from time to time. We were told to write down the story or scenario that was causing us to feel resentment, anger or any other long-held emotional baggage. We were then to highlight or underline everything that we had stated as fact in our story. Then, we were to take a huge step back and ask ourselves honestly, looking at each "fact", “Do I actually know this for sure? Is this really a fact or is it my perception?” If it was just a perception or if it was based on assumptions, we were to cross it off, and then write on a separate piece of paper what we know to be actually facts – the things that we know to be absolutely true. So any motivations we assign to the other, any thoughts of the other, any feelings of the other - all of these we would have to cross out as things we could never actually know. Any conversations that we "heard" about but weren't actually privy to, any stories we were told but didn't actually experience: all of these we would have to cross out. Any assumptions we made about why things happened would have to go. The only things that would be left would be just the facts of behaviors, what happened, what was said TO US. Our assumptions even about what those words "actually meant" would also need to be crossed out. Our interpretations of what was actually meant would have to be crossed out. Then we were to write on a separate paper only those things then that were really facts. And finally we were to get rid of the original story: burn it, shred it, whatever it takes.
This exercise is amazing and I would encourage each of you to try it.
In my own life, I recently found myself repeatedly having a conversation in my head with someone whom I had come to believe was intentionally hurting me. What was ironic is that in this "conversation" she was making all sorts of assumptions about me that weren't true. And I found myself becoming more and more upset about these assumptions she was making about me in my head. (sigh). Again, we can be our own worst enemies: and again putting out there onto other people what we are doing ourselves is oh-so-common a theme. So I stopped. And realized that I was getting upset because of assumptions that I was making. I was assuming that she was assuming things that were just not true. (As if that isn't confusing enough). Thank you, God, for reminding me of this practice and also encouraging me, always, to look deeper at what my own assumptions had to tell me about myself (NOT about the other person!).
My own assumptions spoke to me of my fear: fear of being misunderstood, fear of not being given the benefit of the doubt, fear of never being forgiven for being the human me that I am, fear of always being a disappointment and never being enough. Once I was able to dig down that deep, I was also able to remind myself that I don't believe God calls us to be perfect. We are just called to be who we are, and to strive to grow in love, compassion and the ability to offer grace to others. That's all we can do. That's all we can be. I believe God cares more about our efforts to be kind than about being "right", and God certainly cares more about out intentions to be loving than about our efforts to be perfect. And THAT reminder has allowed me to let go of the assumptions that have been fueling this imagined and internal conversation with this other person.
I don't know what has led to the behaviors of the other that caused me pain. Until the other chooses to talk to me about it, I can't know. I am going to stop trying to guess, stop trying to make assumptions that I can't validate or check out. I will rest in the grace of God and stop trying to guess about someone else's thinking. That's the best I can do for now.
I encourage you all to likewise put aside assumptions. The practice of discerning what is a "guess" and what is a fact is an amazing practice. I wonder if more of us did this what we might be able to accomplish in the world in terms of peace-making, reconciliation and healing. Until we try it, we will never know.
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