Confidentiality, Anonymity, Privacy and Healthy Communication

           This last Sunday our lectionary passage was the one in which Jesus talks about how you are to talk to people directly when you are upset with them.  We are not to talk ABOUT people, but TO people, one on one, when we are upset.  If that doesn’t work, we can take someone along as a “witness”, not as someone to back up our claim, or to be our voice for us, or to defend us, or to interfere in anyway.  They come as a witness.  Why?  Because we don’t always hear one another well.  I’d actually take that a step farther and say we rarely hear each other well, especially when we are upset.  But when there is another person present, we tend to hear better.  It is almost as if their ears, and their way of hearing extend out to us and enable us to hear through more clearly, if only a little bit.  A witness is a gift to both parties because both can hear better in the presence of a third person, assuming that person is able to truly be a “witness” rather than someone who is taking sides.

There are many things that can be said about all of this.  My last sermon focused on gossip and why it is so harmful, especially if given power.  But today I want to take that a step further because I realize people easily become confused about what is gossip versus what is processing.  And more, what is confidentiality versus what is anonymity.  And what is therefore healthy in different situations.

Do we need to process through what we will say when we do talk to people with whom we are upset?  Sometimes we do.  It helps us to think aloud about what we will say and how we will say it.  It also can help us to talk through whether or not we are really upset about something or whether we have taken offense when none was meant, intended or even an appropriate response to what was said or done.  But there is a difference between processing and gossiping.

1. Are we talking about the problem because we plan to address it and need to work through how we will do that (processing) or are we talking about it to try to garner support for our side, for our position, while discrediting, devaluing, or disempowering the other person (gossiping)?

2. Are we sharing a story that is ours to work through (processing) or are we sharing someone else’s story that really has very little to do with us (gossiping)?

3. Am I talking to someone who will keep what I share to themselves and who is able to recognize that all stories have more than one side and that I am only sharing my own in order to think through my future responses (processing), or are we talking to someone who will spread around what I say, contribute to the creation of schisms, or feel the need to “take up our cause” which disempowers me in my ability to repair and tackle my issue directly with another (gossiping)? 

         These are not small or insignificant questions that we should ask ourselves when we are talking with others.  These questions are vitally important to the health of a community and how we move through.

       Then we come to the question of anonymity vs confidentiality.  Confidentiality is the keeping of another’s story to ourselves.  It is the decision to honor what someone tells us as simply and wholly between that person and us.  Confidentiality is important in that it protects a person’s story, allows a person to share their experiences in a place and in a way that is safe, honors the reality that someone’s story is theirs and only theirs to share.

      Anonymity has to do more with sharing what was said or what occurred but not revealing who said it or did it.  Pastors tend to use “anonymity” when they preach stories.  They often share stories without revealing who the stories involve.  It is extremely important that when this is done, it is done in a way that does not lead the listeners to “figure out” or even to try to guess who the story was really about.  For this reason, I personally only use stories about people my congregation does not know and would not meet.  12-step programs also have a code of anonymity.  This allows for people to use and pass on stories that have helped them heal, but to do so in a way that preserves the privacy of individuals, that does not ever reveal their identity.  

        In these contexts, both confidentiality and anonymity have their place.  People usually do not have a problem understanding confidentiality, though sometimes they forget to uphold or honor it.  “You never told me not to tell” is a common excuse for passing along another person’s story.  But the truth is, we should never pass along other people’s stories, but should assume confidentiality when a story is told to us that is about the teller and is only the teller’s experience and story to tell.  

       Anonymity is harder for people.  People often use the word “anonymity” and sometimes the word “confidentiality” as a way to pass along critiques, judgements, and accusations, without revealing where they originated.  But this is extremely damaging and unhealthy for a number of reasons:

1. We are called to be communities where people have, claim and use their voices to speak their own truths.  “Anonymity” in the sense of passing along a critique someone else has told us does not empower other people to speak for themselves, to own their truth, and to deal with their issues, complaints, and difficulties directly.

2. When comments are "anonymous", it is difficult to get a handle on how serious, pervasive or widespread the critique or problem really is.  The person or groups receiving negative feedback can feel that everyone is against them, and that everyone does not have the courage to speak to them directly. They can start feeling anxious or negative towards the group as a whole.  This usually backfires and has the opposite result intended.  Instead of the problem then being addressed and worked on, those receiving the critique often can become entrenched in their behavior, either from a place of feeling, “nothing I do is right” or from a place of being truly unclear about what is being asked.  

3.      Often there are people on both sides of an divisive issue who are unhappy with a decision.  If only one voice is passed along, and it is anonymously quoted, a clear picture of the reality of the situation is not being offered. 

4. If a person offering a critique is “anonymous” there is no way to ask for clarity, to work together to bridge, understand, reconcile or work through the problem.  

5. Hearing a story second or third hand is a guarantee that what we are hearing is not completely what was intended or meant.  We all hear, understand and take in comments differently.  So, whatever someone else tells us will change slightly in the re-telling, regardless of our best intentions.  Encouraging people to speak their truth directly allows for communication first hand, and offers up the possibility of truly working through problems in healthy ways.

        The basic rule of healthy church communities in dealing with complaints: if a person does not own their own words, the critique should be discounted.  In other words, the anonymous letters that come to a church go directly into the garbage.  This is also true of anonymous comments.  If a person is unwilling to stand behind their words, they should not be spoken.  Period.  Using “anonymity” as a shield in the church allows for gossip to run rampant, it does not encourage people to claim their own power and voice, and it creates turmoil, dissention, and rifts in communities.  

          So what can we do about this?

1. If someone has something they want you to pass on to someone else, it is best to encourage that person to say it directly.  Offer to be the “witness” standing with them if they are nervous about speaking their truth, but empower them to speak with their own voice.

2. If you are a representative for a group and they are telling you as that representative, make it clear that you will tell the group who it is who has made the original comment.  If they are uncomfortable with having their name passed on, that says one of three things:

      a. They aren’t comfortable because they know or suspect that part of what they are saying is false.

     b. They do not feel the church or group is “safe” for them to speak their truth.  If this is the case, it needs to be addressed.

     c. They want the complaint to appear more general than it is. If there is no name attached to the complaint, then it looks like it might be more than one person.

3. Be consistent about all of this.

        The unfortunate truth is that when you try to change a long-standing pattern in a community, there will be push-back.  Change does not happen overnight.  And people do not tend to like change, especially when it involves changing something that is basic to a group’s culture.  People may stop sharing their complaints and feelings all together for a while in reaction to the new policy.  But people are not good at holding on to their feelings over the long run, and my experience is that communities not only adjust, but come to appreciate the change.  They will learn that their voices are valued, they will feel empowered to speak for themselves and own their own words, and they will be more thoughtful about their complaints and critiques, taking time before speaking them (always a good thing for any community!).  

        I know none of this is easy.  But we are called to be in community together.  And that means working hard to hear, support, speak and be brothers and sisters to one another.  Setting policies that encourage direct communication and bridge building is just one step in becoming healthier, thriving communities.

Truth Telling

(I apologize that the spacing, etc is so weird.  Blogger has changed things and I can't seem to edit some of the hidden codes in this to fix it). 

James 1:19-27, Matthew 18:15-22, Luke 11:2-4

            Today’s passage from Matthew is a familiar one.  It comes around every three years through the regular lectionary, as it has this week.  But it is also a familiar passage because I think we refer to it often in our congregations when we are talking about confrontation, problems, disagreements, and how to work them through.  We all know that people almost universally in our culture find it easier and more compelling to talk about one another than to talk to one another.  And we know that this is a serious problem in many communities, but perhaps especially in the church.  In professional settings behaviors such as gossip and talking behind backs tends to be more regulated and have more consequences.  But in volunteer communities, such as the church, people can behave in ways that are very destructive.  For example, the tendency towards gossip is strong everywhere, but in our congregations perhaps it is even more so.  It happens in every congregation.  But I think one of the number one signs of the health of a congregation is how much power that gossip is given within a church community.  Do people take what they hear through gossip, treat it as “truth” and pass it forward, anonymously?  Or do they insist that people speak only for themselves, telling their own stories only, not what “someone in the church has said”? 

         The congregation that I served in Ohio was, frankly, an incredibly healthy congregation.  And when someone tried to spread nasty gossip, or to attack others behind their backs, not only were those comments not treated as ‘truth”, not only were they not passed along, but the people who the gossips tried to attack were NEVER told, “someone in the church told me in confidence, but I think you should know…”  Or “I can’t tell you who said this, but x, y, z.”  These are unhealthy behaviors.  If someone has said something, we are told in Matthew, they need to speak it directly to the person, to claim it, to own it.  If they have to hide behind, “well, don’t tell anyone where you heard this,” or “don’t tell so-and-so that I said this” then it should NEVER be said in the first place.  If we cannot own the stories we are speaking, they should never be spoken.  And if it is someone else’s story, it is never ours to share.  The only anecdote to the poison of gossip is transparency.  I want to say that again: the ONLY anecdote to the poison of gossip is transparency.  That means owning what we are saying, not passing on things that are not ours to tell, making sure that everyone owns their own actions and own words. 

Why?  Well, this is important for a multitude of reasons. 

We all know the story of the game operator.  One person whispers a story to another.  That person doesn’t quite hear it the way it was said, or more often, the way it was intended and whispers it to the next person.  By the time it comes back to the original speaker again, it has changed into something unrecognizable.  Gossip recreates that game, usually in destructive ways.  This is not because people are intentionally unkind.  It’s just that we all like a good drama and so we tend, both in our hearing but also in our retelling of events, to build them up, just a little, which then is built up more by the next person, etc.  I think about the parishioner of one of my congregations who told me she was leaving the church because of something she had heard.  What she told me she had heard had maybe 5% truth in it.  But she believed it.  When asked who told her this, she hid behind “confidentiality” which meant that there was no possible way to do the truth telling that was needed in the community to dispel this particular rumor.  She left because she gave gossip power; the power to determine for her what was true.  She clung to the gossip, even when faced with the truth, and she left the church body because of it.  Her story is not unique.  This happens everywhere, and it is one of the many reasons Jesus wrote that when we are upset with someone or hurt by someone we are to go to them directly, speak to them directly.  Not talk ABOUT it, but talk TO the persons with whom we are having issues. 

There is another important reason why we should own our own stuff, not gossip, not speak for or about others.  And that is that when we choose to champion someone else’s problem for them, we believe we are doing something good, something heroic and kind even.  We are standing up for someone.  We are being their savior, defender.  But the truth is that what we are really doing is saying that that person is weak, incapable of defending themself, incapable of speaking their own truth.  We are not respecting or honoring someone by doing the work of speaking for them. 

My family watched Murdock Mysteries for a time.  This is a historical fiction murder mystery series that takes place in the early 1900’s.  At one point the woman coroner, Julia Ogden, is arguing with the chief of police.  She is holding her own, but she at one point turns to Murdock who is just watching the argument and not saying anything.  She expresses frustration that he is not defending her and stomps out of the police station.  Later she confronts him on it.  “Why didn’t you defend me!”  To which he replied, “you did not need me to do that for you!  I knew that you were a strong enough woman that you did not need to be ‘rescued’ or ‘saved’ by the big powerful man.   If I had jumped in, the police chief never would have come to respect YOUR strength and your ability to speak for yourself as a full human being.”  Julia was stunned, but also realized the truth of what Murdock had said.  If he had jumped in to “rescue” her, it would have been a strong statement of her inability to stand up for herself and be counted as a full adult to be respected and trusted for her own words and abilities.

We do and should stand up for children. But we also know that it is more important for us to empower them to speak for themselves. We should and do stand up for people who are oppressed by the larger system.  But in doing so, we are recognizing that they have limited power and that it is much, much better to empower their words than to speak for them.  When we choose to “stand up” for someone else, we are taking away from them the power they do have on their own: we are lessening their perceived strength if not, in fact, their actual strength.  We diminish them in so doing.  

A third reason we should not do this is that those who are victimized by our unkindness, by our gossiping, by our slander, by our love of drama and our failure to listen tend to be the people who have less privilege in the first place.  They have less privilege for a number of reasons: fewer social skills, less standing in the community: or in the larger world, less power because of being marginalized for one reason or another.  We are called to “check our privilege” and to not live that out or act that out.   

To take that a step further, a commentary written by Audrey West in the Working Preacher said it this way, “This passage (from Matthew on how to confront) can easily become dangerous and abusive if it is interpreted in the context of either individualism or legalism, both of which can result in the attempted control and manipulation of the offender due to a sense of victimization.”

The truth of this is obvious when we hear white people claiming to be victims of racism.  We are the people in power.  But when we abuse that privilege by claiming to be the victims ourselves, we control the situation in dangerous ways. Sometimes those with “lesser” power use these behaviors, gossip, victimization, to reclaim their own power.  But there is great danger in doing so.

In the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Toula was upset because her father had told her that she cannot go to college.  In his words, “women don’t need education.”  And Toula approached her mother in tears saying, “Dad is so stubborn.  And what he says goes.  ‘The man is the head of the house.’”  Her mother responded with, “Let me tell you something, Toula.  The man is the head of the house.  But the woman is the neck.  And she can turn the head any way she wants!”  At the time that I heard that, I was impressed with that thinking.  In Patriarchal cultures and families, then, there still is some power in the female of the couple.  But then I saw the way in which she claimed her power.  And it was through the victimization that we named before.  “Oh, so women don’t need education because we aren’t as smart?  You don’t think I’m as smart as you?”  It was manipulative, but also harmful to herself because it was lacking in honesty, it did not allow her to claim her power with authenticity or strength.

I think about the phrase I’ve heard so many people use, “Who wears the pants in the family?”  Usually what we mean by that is who appears to be in charge, the more dominant member of the household, the alpha dog as it were.  But I remember very clearly counseling a couple where the one who “wore the pants” by everyone else’s understanding really had no ultimate power because his wife again used the victimization behavior to get whatever she wanted.  If her husband would not listen to her “you’ve wronged me”, “you’ve mistreated me” statements that were made in response to any decision he made (whether it affected her or not) that she didn’t agree with, then she would take her complaint to the larger family group.  “He wronged me, he mistreated me!” until the husband was badgered, bullied and pressured into doing what she wanted.  People use victimization as a weapon, as much as others use dominance as a weapon.  They use gossip as a way to control others, to reclaim power.  But these methods of claiming power damage our own souls.  We know we are exaggerating the stories, we know that we are not being honest or truthful, we know that we are being manipulative.  And that lack of honest claiming of one’s own voice, one’s own truth harms no one more than it harms ourselves.  It obfuscates truth.  People think they are making choices based on reality, but they are not.  They are making choices based on falsehoods.  This happens at all levels: politically, personally, and in smaller communities as well.  (It takes keen perception to see where the power truly lies in any situation.  It is often not where we think it really is.)

This passage from Matthew addresses all of that.  By insisting that people stop the victimization, stop the gossiping, stop the excuse of “I was told not to say who said this but…”, all of these power plays, abuses of power and dishonest interactions are ended.  Relationships have a chance then of being restored based on honesty and truth and trust, rather than destroyed because of gossip and lies. 

I think it is vital to notice that what this passage emphasizes again and again is that true communication, healthy confrontation, a commitment to working out problems in community begins with listening.  Listening is mentioned here four times in the first three verses of this passage from Matthew.  James said it this way, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

But people really struggle to listen.  And what I find the most interesting is that it is often those who claim others aren’t listening who themselves listen the least.   Let me say that another way: it is often true that no one listens less than the person who is accusing others of not listening. 

Let me give you an example.  The Presbytery I used to be part of went through a long discernment process on whether or not they would vote to support the ordination of LGBTQ+ folk.  They had three separate presbytery meetings on the issue.  At the first one a well-known speaker in favor of the ordination came and presented for an hour followed by break out groups for discussion.  Not surprisingly, those against the ordination simply chose to not attend this meeting.  They simply did not come.  The next month we reversed it.  We had someone speak against the ordination for an hour, again followed by break out groups for discussion.  Interestingly, everyone turned out for this one, even our LGBTQ+ members for whom it was an extremely painful day.  At the third meeting then we took our vote.  And as a Presbytery we voted overwhelmingly in favor of the ordination of LGBTQ+ persons.  The response from those who disagreed?  “You didn’t listen!”  The clerk of the Presbytery meeting had the numbers.  She was able to point out that everyone had shown up to hear the person arguing against this stand, and that many of those who were angry with the decision, in contrast, had chosen not to listen or attend the meeting where the person in favor of the decision had spoken.  And yet still, the cry rallied long and hard, “You didn’t listen!” 

There is a strong difference between not listening and not agreeing.  It is very possible to listen and still not agree.  But while we know that is true from our own perspectives, do we give others that same benefit of the doubt? 

So, returning to the Matthew passage and his clarity around how we are to talk to one another, especially when there are problems, what does all of this really mean?  Several things:

1.        1. First and foremost, we are called to speak directly to others when we are upset or feel mistreated about something.  I gave reasons above why this is important.  To reiterate, speaking truth directly prevents the harm of growing misinformation, it empowers others to claim their own voice and speak for themselves, and it avoids the evil and damage of malicious gossip.   2. When someone does repeat gossip to us about someone else, we need to not give it power.  That means it is OUR responsibility to say, “it sounds like you need to go and speak to that person directly.”  If they are asking you to stand up for them, ask them to come along, tell them that you will use their name if you are being asked to repeat the information.  If you hear, “please say something but don’t tell them it came from me,” then I would first off be very suspicious about the truth of the story at all.  Why don’t they want to be associated with their own words?  We must encourage one another to grow in courage if people are afraid to speak their own truth.  This is supposed to be a trusted community where people can speak for themselves.  If it is not, then work must be done to fix that. 3.       Call them on it.  “Do not tell me things that you are not willing to own.”  If that means they stop gossiping to you?  That would be a good thing!  Maybe less interesting story and drama for you, but in the end, a healthier, safer community.  4.       Refuse to repeat gossip.  Again, if it is not your story to tell, don’t tell it.  Give others enough credit and respect to believe they have the strength to speak for themselves and do not need you to treat them as a child needing you to defend them.  They can speak directly about their own upsets and you should do the same.  Go directly to those who hurt you, not to other people trying to drum up their support for your cause.  5.       Choose transparency therefore.  Speak your truth and YOUR truth only.  Speak it directly. 6.       And finally, and what is most important in all of this: today’s passage from Matthew ends with forgiveness.  There is a reason that the passages on forgiving is part of this mandate to speak directly to people when you are harmed or upset.  Do your best to reconcile.  Speak your truth.  But beyond all of that, let it go and forgive.  Jesus says, “if they don’t listen then, treat them as a gentile or tax collector.”  How did Jesus treat the Gentiles and tax collectors?  He loved them, he forgave them repeatedly, he invited them into relationship.  In other words, if they don’t listen, love them anyway.  Let it go.  Forgive.  One of my colleagues in ministry said to our lectionary group this week, “the one thing Satan can’t tolerate is forgiveness”.  Yes.  Because evil thrives on our anger, on our hate, on our rage, on our inability to be open and compassionate, and grace-full and loving.  When we choose compassion and grace and forgiveness, we are freed.  As the Lord’s Prayer teaches us, God is OUR parent, Our father – this is communal.  We are stuck with one another.  And the question for us, then, is how do we live that out as people of faith?  As the Lord’s prayer tells us, but also as the passage in Matthew ends, we are to forgive one another again and again and again. 

    Gossip is not an act of reconciliation or forgiveness.  It is cruel, it is unkind and it is unacceptable.  Today’s passage begins with a call to go and speak directly to those who upset you.  And it ends with the call to forgiveness, not seven times, but seventy seven times.  This would have been understood at the time to mean “for good” or “completely”.  Seven was considered a number of completion.  Seven times Seventy meant “forever.”  Each week we say the Lord’s prayer and we say “forgive us our debts (or sins) as we forgive those who sin against us.”  We are praying not only for God to forgive us, but that we can forgive others.  Because the reality is that when we cannot forgive others, we cannot understand or accept the forgiveness of God into our own hearts.  It’s not because God doesn’t forgive us.  But accepting forgiveness in requires a peace that only comes from letting go of our anger towards others.  Anger is a taking a poison and expecting the other person to die.

We are not free from each other.  We are free in each other, when we can be in relationship with those who are different from ourselves and choose honest, open, transparent, forgiving, caring.

None of this is easy.  It is a growing edge for all of us.  But it is vital to a healthy and thriving community that we work on this with intention, with faith, and most of all with love.  Go and speak your truth, but do it with love, preparing always to forgive.  Amen.

Thinking about the poison of Gossip

         We all know how poisonous gossip can be.  We all know that it can tear apart communities, it can destroy individuals, it can irreparably damage relationships.  We know this.  Most of us have seen this happen to someone else if we haven't experienced it directly. Recently I have seen it doing damage again, spreading and dividing a community again, with stories and tales that contain only a seed of truth and with growing venom that has hurt relationships and individuals.
          And yet, as damaging as we know it to be, there seems to be something deep in the human psyche that cannot resist passing on a juicy bit of "news" that we've heard, and something in our beings that has a hard time not embellishing and changing what we've heard... just a little... as we pass it along.  What is that?  Why is that?
          Perhaps we are needing to process through the things that we've heard, maybe we need to say it out loud in order for it to be real for us.  Maybe we are impacted by what we have heard and share it as a way to deal with our feelings.  Why then do we pass on the information changed?
        Perhaps we feel it won't be taken with enough seriousness if we don't make it bigger than we heard it was.  Maybe we believe people will not give it the full attention it needs if we don't change it a tiny bit in the sharing.
        There are cases when I think people use and manipulate gossip in order to get what they want.  And I believe there are times when people use gossip as a way to hurt or damage others.  But most of the time, I think people are not being mean or unkind or manipulative.
       Still I think the practice of gossip gets a great deal of cultural support.  People like being told news, they like being on the "in" and hearing the stories that others have to share.  That's a good thing when people are sharing their own stories.  But it is a very harmful thing when it comes to other people talking about and sharing stories that are not theirs to share.
        Most of the time I think people are not intending to hurt others.  But gossip is hurtful.  And I think the only thing that will affectively put a stop to the evil of gossip is the realization that we are just as guilty as the gossiper when we choose to engage the stories, when we support the practice of gossip by eagerly listening (not just passing along, but even listening) to the tales others tell us about other people.  I know it's not easy to do, but a simple, "I think I'd feel more comfortable hearing this story from the subject themself."  "I'm not sure 'Jane' would want me to be hearing this from anyone but Jane herself."  "I'm uncomfortable hearing this without Ed being with us."  "This sounds like it's Frank's story to tell."
         I realize direct confrontation around gossip is uncomfortable.  Walking away, or out of a circle of gossip, may be an easier way to handle it: sending a less direct but none the less clear communication that you are uneasy with the gossip.  This too can be hard, because it does communicate an unwillingness to engage a behavior our friends may be participating in.  I also realize that any time we choose not to engage in the circle of gossip, we risk becoming the target of the gossip itself.
         I understand all of that.
         But I also know that any time we choose to do what is best for a person who is being harmed, that any time we choose to opt out of or even confront something that is harmful to another person, we are choosing to make our community a tiny bit better for someone else.  And that is a deeply worth-while goal.
        I can't stop reflecting on the damage that I recently witnessed done to someone who did not deserve such hurt, condemnation, exclusion or broken relationships.  And I keep thinking that if even one person, early on in the situation, had stood up and said, "no" to the gossip circle, that things would have ended very differently.  That is tragic to me.  But it's also a call for a stronger determination to choose differently when the choices present themselves to either engage with gossip or to refuse to do so.  May we all have the strength to say "no."

Gossip

                                                     Proverbs 11:9-13

James 3:1-12

               I want to say that I don’t usually believe in focusing a sermon on a particular “sin” or error of behavior.  I don’t like this for many reasons, not the least of which is that I think we all must be extremely careful about looking at the specks in other people’s eyes without dealing with the logs in our own eyes.  Pastors are not exempt from this.  I was reminded recently story teller, Willie Claflin’s, twist on the Little Red Hen story.  His version begins the same as the one we all know:  the little red hen invites friends to help her in making loaves of bread from scratch: planting the wheat, harvesting the wheat, mixing the bread, baking the bread; but at every step of the way, all her friends find reasons why they can’t help: they are too busy, too sick, too involved with other things.  Then when the four loaves of bread are finally baked, she asks who will help her to eat them and everyone is suddenly available to share in the bread she has worked so hard to make.  But unlike in the traditional story, Willie Claflin goes on to say that at that point the little red hen gobbled down all four loaves of bread herself with the words, “then I will eat them myself!”  And the result is that she makes herself very ill eating all of that bread on her own.  The friends, it turns out, were just offering to try some of her bread to be polite.  They are not sad to have missed out on the bread at all.  They do have concerns over their sick friend, however, who has eaten herself into a coma.  Willie Claflin ends his story with this line, “and the moral of the story is, if you are doing something in order to teach someone else a lesson, it is likely that the one to receive the lesson will be yourself.” 

Given that, I find that the best sermons I’ve written are the ones I write to myself and that picking specific “flaws” or errors to confront in a sermon can be counterproductive.  Still, the lectionary passages for today all focus on the sin of gossiping.  And I think, honestly, that this is something we can all work on, including myself, so I beg your indulgence as we focus on gossip today. 

               When we look at scripture, there are many, many passages that tell us that God abhors gossip.  On one bible commentary web-site, I typed in the word “gossip” as a search and was rewarded with nine pages of biblical quotes that denounce gossip and lying. Some examples:

               Ephesians 4:29: let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths.

               Proverbs 6:16-19: There are six things that the Lord hates…(and then three of those six things include..): a lying tongue, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among siblings.

               James 1:26: If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue, but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.

               Psalm 101:5: Whoever slanders his neighbor secretly I will destroy.

               The list goes on and on and on. 

               It is clear: lying about other people, gossiping by saying untruths or spreading slander is anathema to God.  This is not surprising.  What perhaps, IS, surprising, is how hard it is to refrain from gossiping.  And how absolutely damaging it is to gossip.

               Almost ten years ago now I was invited to be part of a group of pastors who were experiencing crisis.  It was a small group that gathered together for a week to share experiences and to be gifted by the support of counselors, spiritual directors, and other helpers.  Within our group there was a clergy couple who shared a story about being the victims of truly malicious gossip.  The couple had just been let go, fired, from a church that had a history of firing their pastors after just a few years.  The process for booting the pastors at this church was always the same. This was a significant congregation in a very small town.  And there was a particular powerful individual who would decide when it was time for the pastor to go.  She was powerful and when she made that decision she always went about getting rid of the pastor in the same way: she would start spreading a rumor: something that was… well, it was a lie. She would take a kernel of something that resembled truth, but would twist and turn it into a falsehood and then spread it along.  She would start the gossip and it would morph, it would expand, it would take on a life of its own.  With each telling it would become more outrageous.  And it was always something that there was no ability to disprove, no way to confronting, no way to tear down.  Once these terrible rumors would take off, the story would be forever in the minds of the parishioners until the pastors were forced to resign.  Again, this was a pattern of behavior in this church.  But the originator of the story felt justified every time in her gossiping, first because it started with a grain of truth, and second, she deeply believed it was time for the pastor to go; and she told herself that the ends, of getting rid of the pastor, justified the means – the gossip that she began. We know that of course, this is false.  The couple that I met had been destroyed by these lies.  They had not just been forced to leave their church, but had been forced to move out of the area.  And still, with social media and the increasing small-ness and connectedness of the world, were being followed and haunted by these false lies, false stories.  Their kids had suffered bullying at school, one of the parents of this couple had suffered a complete break-down in health, a sense of safety and well-being for an entire extended family were destroyed, and all of them have left church, permanently, after seeing what churches can do to people through the simple use of gossip.

               The church also did not escape the damage of the gossip. Some people left the congregation, and the faith, entirely. But even those who stayed were damaged. Everyone knew the pattern.  And everyone knew who started the lies.  They also knew that if they went against the person who instigated the gossip, that they risked being the next to be torn down by this woman.  They all participated in the evil of the gossip because they knew to stand up against it meant they would become the next victims of it.  An entire community became entrenched in this evil behavior, and could not see their way out.

               I wish this story were unique, but it isn’t.  I know too many pastors who have gone through similar nightmares that all started because of gossip.  And as you know, this is not just limited to people in my profession.  It happens in our schools, it happens in all of our places of work. 

               Just this week I learned about this happening at a local school board situation.  Again, lies were put forth about someone who has been incredibly active but who was trying to become more involved in a position of greater authority. The lies were presented in a way that there was no forum for the person attacked to defend herself, to set the record straight or even to present a different opinion.  But those lies determined the decisions of the committee, to the huge detriment of the board who will miss out on the amazing energy and talents of the individual who was slandered.

We see this in our politics.  We’ve come to a place in our country where we no longer know what to believe, what is true.  We assume that those who disagree with us are lying or are misinformed by lies.  And those who disagree with us assume that the news that we read is false.  Slander, and the quick choice to lie when we are in a tough spot, when we are caught, when we are confronted with something we don’t want to admit, has muddied the waters so much, has become so rampant, that we just no longer know what to believe, who to believe.  It is separating us from our brothers and sisters within our own families, let alone within our communities, and in the larger world.

        While gossiping gives us something to discuss, while it may feel good to be on the “inside” of a story about someone else, while being able to separate the world into “us” and “them” may give us a sense of security and power in the world, there is a good reason why the Bible is so extremely hard on gossip.  It is evil.  It is harmful.  Any “gain” for one’s self made through the use of lying, gossiping and slander does not only harm the one we attack, it harms everyone touched by the gossip.        

           Frankly, our gossip reflects more on ourselves than on those about whom we are gossiping anyway.  And if we were actually aware of how true that is, we probably would refrain from gossip.  Some examples: someone I knew kept saying about other people, “that person is so power hungry.”  “That person is all about getting power.”  And finally, “it all comes down to power you know.”  And it was very clear that actually, it was all about power FOR HIM and that is why he was so focused on that being the case when it came to other people.  We see this regularly.  When someone repeatedly focuses on a particular “problem” with those around them, often that reflects back on who the speaker really is, where his or her focus lies, what really matters most to that person.

               I’ve shared with you that in one early episode of Joan of Arcadia, Joan was trying hard to get in with the “popular” crowd.  And the popular kids basically told her that if she wanted to be one of them, she needed to find out who her friend, Grace, “likes”.  In order to do this, Joan sidled up to Grace and talked to her about how much Joan herself had this crush on one of the other guys at school.  She didn’t really have a crush on the guy, didn’t even know who the guy is, he was just a name of someone that was supposedly popular.  Grace didn’t give anything away.  The next day, people were giving Joan a hard time for having a crush on the guy she mentioned to Grace.  Joan assumed Grace has been gossiping about her and went after Grace, telling her to stay out of her love life.  Grace responded, “I don’t care about your love life and haven’t talked to anybody!  However, it is clear that you have been talking about ME and trying to find out about MY love life so you can share it with your friends!  YOU are the one gossiping here.”  Grace understood that Joan’s accusation said more about Joan than about Grace.

             I'm certain we can all think of people we know who attack others through gossip, by accusing the other of being a gossip.  Most of us see through this, though it is clear that it is difficult for the one gossiping to see it in themself. 

               Some of the Biblical passages tell us to not even associate with those who lie and slander and gossip, and this too is for good reason.  As I mentioned in my first story, an entire community became caught in the web of slander and gossip that one individual perpetuated.  If those in the community had stepped away, or better, confronted it the first time it happened, it never would have grown to the repeating evil that it has become.  But now, in associating with the gossiper, the tangled webs of lies and gossip have become so entrenched that no one knows how to step out.

               It is not easy to step out or to confront someone who is gossiping or lying and tell them that they have it wrong.  But it is necessary.  I remember a situation I was in, in which someone was badmouthing me but made the mistake of doing it in an email to several other people.  I will always be extremely grateful to the person who responded to the email by INCLUDING me in that response and inviting my answer so that I could see the lies, could see the gossip, could see the slander and could address it directly.  The decision my friend made to include me in the email was not an easy one.  It could have ended his friendship with the originator of the email.  But he made that choice, which led to the truth telling, and eventually healing of all involved in the communications.

               There is another side to all of this.  I read an article a while ago that focused very specifically on the fact that women are discouraged from sharing with other women about predatorial men.  According to this article, women who share their experience of being victims are often accused of being gossips, and the social pressure to avoid being labelled as a gossip can prevent them from telling their stories.  Their silence, in turn, has prevented other women from knowing about unsafe men and has led to other women therefore being victims as well.  While I realize there is a gender bias here, this would apply to people of all genders and situations.  The author, Theo Wildcroft, wrote, “A teacher of mine once said that gossip had to be made a sin because it’s a social survival mechanism for the almost powerless. For good or evil, right or wrong, true or false, gossip is the glue that kept traditional communities together, an early warning system and in extremis, call for sanction. Of course it’s traditionally our sin, a woman’s sin.”  But what the author is confronting is a social stigma against the sharing (which becomes labelled “gossip”) of our feelings and experiences.  That is very different from what the bible is confronting when it talks about lies, slander and gossip.  The base difference is truth. What the bible is confronting is the passing on of lies. But there is another difference as well.  Discussing one’s experience is very different than talking about others with condemning words. “I felt x because this happened.  I experienced a because b took place.” These are important experiences to share.  “That person is a blankety blank” or “that person did x” when it is a lie, is not acceptable, has no real experience connected to it, is simply name calling, it is childish and it is wrong.

               The bottom line: God condemns gossiping, lying, slandering.  And that can be hard: hard to follow, hard to practice, hard to change within ourselves.  But it is essential, not only for others but for ourselves as well, that we strive to refrain from gossip, from slander, and from lying.  We are more centered and whole when we speak from our own experience rather speaking words that attack others. No ends justify a means of lying and condemning others with hateful, hurtful behavior that is damaging to our very souls.  It is hard to speak truth all the time, but it is a goal worth striving for, especially when the alternative choice is so harmful.  Gossip is not okay.  Lying is not okay.  AND, the more we speak truth, the easier it is to recognize it spoken by others too.  Thanks be to God.

Gossip, Truth Telling, Protection, Betrayal and Violation

           When I was in college I lived in a house church with 19 other students.  It was the campus ministry center and on staff were several pastors who did ministry not only for the 20 of us but for the college campus.  One of the years that I lived there, the campus ministry center hired a seminary intern to do his practical training on our site.  A very nice young man, charming, warm, newly married, very gifted. He was well loved by all the other staff as well as the students.
            He was also emotionally inappropriate with me in a way that was not only very confusing but deeply devastating.  We've heard much about clergy misconduct over the years, but we have yet to address it in all its forms.  And for those who are not clergy, sometimes the power plays involved with these violations of trust are overlooked, mostly because they are deeply misunderstood.  I have a very dear friend who, along with other women who had been violated, tried to prosecute through the church a campus pastor who had violated her not only emotionally but sexually as well.  She found that it is still the case, even now, that the victims are often blamed, and that the real understanding of how devastating and harmful these violations of trust are is rarely understood. All those with authority over us, but I would say especially clergy, who are supposed to represent God, lead us deeper into a relationship with God and help us find our way through difficult times, truly devastate the lives of those they violate when they abuse that trust.  Their power in those relationships, their leading us into compromising situations and their ability from that place of trust and power to take advantage cannot be understated.  Those they abuse are NOT to blame.  The abusers have used their power to harm.  Trust has been broken.  And the havoc they leave in their wake is not easily healed, if it ever is.  The damage they do to bodies, minds and souls is beyond what I can describe in a few short words.  I will just say again that it is far too often minimized if it is taken seriously at all, something we should and must change.
          But the focus of this article is a little different.  I was "only" violated emotionally.  None the less, it was very hard.  And when he had gotten as far as he could with me and moved on to someone else, I shared my experience and my devastation with only one other person at the time: my best friend.  My best friend was very caring, very supportive, very understanding.  But it happened that the young woman he was dating happened to be the person that this clergy intern targeted next.  My friend saw what was happening and he begged me to talk to his girl-friend about my experience.  He begged, he pleaded, he insisted, he even threatened.  "Please tell her your experience!  You need to tell her your story!  If you don't tell her what happened to you..."
         But I wouldn't do it.  There are many reasons for this.  Looking back I can have compassion for my decision, recognizing that the seminary intern still had power over me and I was afraid he would use it.  I was afraid he would use it emotionally, to alienate me from my community, to isolate me from my friends, to mark me as a bad and catty person.  I was also afraid that he could affect my life beyond college and could block my applications to seminary, and to further programs.  I was a kid, 19 years of age, and I was worried from a practical place.  But I also felt that talking to my best friend's girl-friend about my experience was the same thing as gossiping and I had been well taught that gossiping, that talking about others, that sharing negative things about another person was wrong, was a sin, would harm another who, no matter how he had hurt me, did not deserve to be damaged by me. I learned well that I would have been in the wrong.  And so I said nothing.
         As a result, my best friend's girl-friend was also violated, and this time not only emotionally, but sexually as well.  The seminary intern took it to the next step with her.  She informed me that a few years later, after she had gained a better understanding of what he had done, of the power dynamics involved and the violation that he had committed through that breach of trust, that she did try to report it, but again, the reports went no-where.  There was no comprehension of the violation done, of the deep trust broken. There was no attempt from those with authority who knew about it to stop further power abuses and violations.  I have no doubt that he did the same with countless others after he was ordained and went on to do campus ministry in other communities around the country.
         Recently a friend sent me an article in which Theo Wildcroft wrote this, "A teacher of mine once said that gossip had to be made a sin because it’s a social survival mechanism for the almost powerless. For good or evil, right or wrong, true or false, gossip is the glue that kept traditional communities together, an early warning system and in extremis, call for sanction. Of course it’s traditionally our sin, a woman’s sin. ... (But) the only reliable social technologies we’ve evolved to cope with (the violence, the broken trust, the threats to vulnerable lives) are gossip and gut instinct."
        These words, I'll admit, hit me with a force I could not have anticipated.  They rang deeply true. The evil that is condemned in scripture again and again is slander, is lying.  The sin that we have to be careful to avoid is telling untruths, half truths, or even exaggerations that condemn others with inaccurate and false tales of what we perceive to be their flaws.  Gossip, when it is simply talking smack or telling stories on others, is extremely harmful and can tear apart communities.
       But, in a society in which violence against women, children, people of color, LGBTQ folk and people of different faith traditions is on the rise; and in a society in which the victims of this violence are the constant targets of blame for their own victimization, sometimes the only way we can protect one another is by sharing our stories.
       I do not expect our condemnation of our sharing to go away quickly.  I imagine that women (and others) who share their stories will be accused for a long, long time of the sin of gossip.  But, I also think that I will take more seriously the stories that are shared with me as signs of trust, and as offers of protection.  I will no longer see or experience sharing of the times we have been harmed by those who cannot be held accountable as signs that the tellers are gossipy, sinful, catty people.  I will understand that the trust in sharing our stories is more about building safe communities for all of us. And while I still believe we must be very careful to share only the truth, and to not exaggerate or vilify others, I will trust my gut and my experiences more fully as well.

Gossip - the Straight and Narrow

   Humans have a propensity towards gossip.  We do.  We discuss what we hear.  We discuss the news.  And we talk about other people.  I think there are a lot of reasons for this.  We like sensationalism and if nothing exciting is happening in our own lives, talking about others sometimes provides the drama we crave.  We like being important and having an important story to tell about someone else can give us a sense of importance at that moment.  We like being the ones to know something before others do and have the inside scoop.  We like having something to talk about, and talking about other people is easy.   Eleanor Rosevelt is quoted as having said, "Great minds discuss ideas.  Average minds discuss events.  Small minds discuss people." And perhaps that is true.  But it is also true that we aren't bad people because we like to gossip.  We are just human people.  And while others can get truly hurt by our gossip, we don't usually set out with the intent to hurt them.
    Sometimes our gossip is more personal and attacking.  Sometimes people tell stories about their own lives that make someone else look bad.  It took a long time but I did finally realize that those who did this, who told stories about others that raise themselves up as victims and make others look bad, are usually doing that because they are afraid the other person might tell their side first and would make them look bad.  They tell their story so they appear to be innocent, the victim.  They tell their story so the other side won't be sought.  They tell their story so others will not think that they did wrong.  The ones who don't need to gossip about what has happened are usually the ones who are actually less at fault, and often more confident about that: they believe they have nothing to fear, they have accepted and come to terms with their own parts in the situation, so they have no need to gossip or badmouth someone else.  Sometimes people tell a story about someone else as a way of convincing themselves that they are not at fault.  Same thing.  If they tell their story loud enough and long enough, maybe it will be true.  If they can paint a picture in which the other is wrong, maybe in fact the other WILL be wrong.
     I learned this the hard way.  But the truth has truly "set me free" in the sense that when someone badmouths someone else to me, I have learned to listen for the pain and insecurity of the person doing the gossiping, instead of listening to condemn or judge in any way the one being gossiped about.  Sometimes it changes my feelings towards the gossiper. But I do not allow it to change my opinion or feelings about the one being badmouthed because I choose to remember there is another side, one I have not heard.  Again, that has been incredibly freeing.

    But as I reflected on all of this today it occured to me that perhaps there is a more graceful way to see gossip as well.  I was reflecting on my "story" of the last 5 years.  I told very few people about what we were going through.  It was pretty public, so most people heard about it from other sources. But there were a few trusted folk that I was able to talk to directly about what had happened, what was happening at the time.  Each one of those people I begged to not gossip about it.  I told them it was my story to tell and I pleaded with them to allow me to be the one to tell it when and if I was ever ready to do that.  They all promised to hold my confidence.  And in every single case that story was passed along to at least one other person.  Each person I told talked to at least one other, despite my eliciting promises from each of confidence.  For a long time I was really hurt by that.  In a couple cases, where the story was passed not just to one or two others but to many others there is still some hurt. In a couple cases people I trusted and cared about heard the story from other sources and instead of talking to me, passed it along as gossip to others, and that too was very painful.  If they cared about me, why didn't they talk to me instead?  Or at least, why didn't they talk to me first? Why didn't they ask for my story?  Why didn't they reach out to me?
     But there has finally been enough healing that I am beginning to be able to put myself in their better shoes and still see reasons they might have chosen to share the story.  I can imagine the pain that they felt knowing someone they loved was living through hell.  I can imagine the struggle they felt in having no one to talk to about something that was shocking, devastating, a story one hears about, not a reality someone you love lives through.  In some cases, people may not have been sure if they could ask me, or if it would make things worse to ask me my story.  Maybe they were afraid they would have come across as nosy, insensitive or "abulance chasing" if they had tried to talk to me about it.  Maybe they simply didn't know how to offer support, so talking to others, passing on the information, maybe to someone who would be better able to respond, may have felt safer, and more caring.  Maybe it felt like it was all they knew how to do.
     Whatever the reasons, I find I have moved into a place of offering more grace around this.  At the time the gossip was heaping coals on an already burning body.  It was painful.  But as I said I have moved into a place of understanding and forgiveness around this.  I can have compassion, as I grow in comprehension, for those choices that others made.
    Still, what I have learned from this is that we really do need to be careful about what we say about other people.  Gossip hurts.  It may be human.  It may be understandable.  But it hurts.  We need to strive for a better way.  When we fail, we need to find grace for ourselves and one another.  That grace can give us the strength and courage to try again, to learn, to grow, and hopefully to do better.

Judging others...is it really as necessary as we think?

      It's true, we are surrounded by judgments.  Every day I see and hear more judgments about others. These are not opinions about differences of ideology, thought or even practice.  These are judgments on people themselves, nastiness disguised as "opinion" (and sometimes science) but meant to attack, hurt, and place "the other" into a category that is different from oneself, a category which we then wholeheartedly dismiss or condemn as unworthy of our time, attention or care.  Sometimes we dismiss a whole group of people as evil or bad, a judgment on a group that I just have never found to be accurate when applied to actual individual people. Despite what our gospels tell us about not judging others, even people who use the name "Christian" seem to judge others more and more. (And as they do this, not unexpectedly, "Christianity" is also judged more and more...hm.  Funny how that works.)  They think less about the very great difference between disagreeing with someone's thought and attacking another human being, even to the point of advocating things that would damage, kill or destroy other people. I saw it again today on two different friends' posts.  I don't need to go into the details, but the short version was that in one, most of us were called 'stupid'.  Rather than just saying, "I don't like it when you do x" or "I disagree with y", we were all called stupid.  The other categorized an entire group of people as evil, again not recognizing that there are many, many differences between people and to group a whole people as evil is not only failing to "not judge" but is also just plain inaccurate.  These judgments also stir up more anger, hostility, polarization, fear and hatred than anything else could do.  In other words, they contribute nothing positive, nothing good, nothing of value to the world.  Hatred leads to more hatred.  Judgment leads to more judgment. Killing leads to more killing.  Fear leads to anger, which leads to hatred, which leads to suffering (Yoda again).  And yet here we are.
       Both of these friends who posted these outrageously hurtful things are not usually unkind. The anonymity of the internet allows us to do that, to express fear and rage in indirect but more deeply hurtful and personally attacking (as well as inaccurate) ways than just talking directly to someone about specific things we disagree with.  But it's not just through the internet. When people get together they often are judging others as well.  "So and so is such a blank and such". As things become more tense, this inclination to attack persons rather than ideas or practices increases.
       I'll admit that until about two years ago I thought that this judging of others was what all people did, to one degree or another; that we just ARE judgmental as part of our nature. I thought that we all thought up and named for ourselves things that we didn't like about other people that we knew. I thought that when people were with friends, this was to be an expected part of what they did: talked about, judged, condemned other people, often condescendingly, always judgmentally.  I thought this - until I met David.
      David is the least "catty" person that I know.  He was divorced thirteen years ago.  And while he can tell me what happened in his marriage, he has never once bad-mouthed his ex-wife.  He talks about actions, but he names them for what they were, without judgment or condemnation but with compassion.  He also challenges me.  When I get into a "catty" place, he usually just gets very quiet and gives me "that look".  "That look" from David is simply a compassionate but concerned look that lets me know I'm acting out in non-helpful ways.  Occasionally when he hears the kids talk badly about others, he will challenge them to try to be more respectful.
      His behavior, his choice to look for and focus on and see the good in others challenges me to do the same.  And I've found it amazingly freeing.  When I can just be with someone and appreciate who they are, what they are, without feeling the need to find their "flaws" and their areas that I don't like, I tend to be more positive and appreciative about everything.  It changes my whole outlook. It also makes me kinder and more grateful for everyone I encounter.  I am looking for the good, not the bad.  I can delight in the differences between people, without needing to judge them or rank them or decide one way of being is better than another.
      The truth is, whenever I hear other people saying bad things about others, I always wonder what they say about me.  I know that people who would badmouth others to me are no doubt badmouthing me to others.  I have become increasingly uneasy with that. (In a similar vein, when people break confidences to me I become less willing to trust that they will respect the confidences I share with them, too.  If I am aware of someone treating others one way, I do not expect them to treat me differently.) But once I identified David as a person who just doesn't do that, I found that there were others, too, who focused more on the good, who choose not to judge people even as they are willing to engage ideas.  And those are the people I most want to be around.  They are people who truly look for and see the good in others.  They walk and live with compassion, grace, empathy and kindness.  And being around them encourages me to do the same.
      And in terms of judging, condemning, hating large groups of people who just believe differently than we do?  We need to be very careful about this.  Just from a faith perspective, we are told, again, not only to avoid judging, but also to love our enemies. There is no room in that for this kind of fear or hatred. No room at all. Once you love someone, they are your enemy no longer.  So even the label enemy becomes a problem.  We also need to be careful about being silent in the face of such anger, hatred and condemnation.  Once again I also find myself thinking about the Martin Niemoller's poem - 

"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."
      As I said above, it is amazingly freeing to find I don't need to judge others, just appreciate what is beautiful and good about them.  Thank you, again, David, for giving me the gift of modeling this kind of compassion, care and respect for others.  In this time of such fear, anger, hatred and polarization you model for me peace.  I can rest in that.  Thank you.

Sermon #2 at CVPC - Evil Talk

Ephesians 4:25-5:2

Matthew 18:15-18

               Today’s passage from Ephesians is rich with advice.  “Be angry without sinning.”  “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”  “Don’t provide an opportunity for evil.”  “Thieves stop stealing.”  “Don’t let foul words come out of your mouth.”  “Put aside all bitterness.”  “ Don’t lose your temper.”   And then we hear the Matthew passage.  And it tells us to be honest and to talk to those who are hurting us. All of these are wonderfully true and important when we consider how to talk to one another.  But it can also be hard to muddle through.  Still, they all basically come down to the same thing.  Be careful and intentional with your words.

But how do we do this?   Today’s passage from Matthew instructs us to talk to one another.  To “confront” one another, to use a word that most of us find unpleasant and difficult to deal with.  It instructs us how to do this…in a direct, but loving way.  We are to go and talk to one another first one on one in private, and then if we are not heard, to take a witness with us and try again.  This passage is important for many reasons.

First, it tells us what we are not to do when someone hurts us.  We are not to go talking about it to other people.  This is undoubtedly the hardest part of this.  We are to speak to the person him or her-self about what has upset us.  Also, we don’t ask someone to do our talking for us.  If we are upset about something, we are to talk to the person directly and if they don’t listen, we bring in a second person to listen while we again talk to the person directly.   The other person we bring is simply a witness, not an active participant in the conversation.

Neither of these things are easy.  It is much easier to “process” with someone else, or to just decide not to talk to a person about a problem. I was talking with another pastor friend this week about her experiences with her church.  She was telling me about a parishioner who is a real challenge.  This is someone who has no sense of personal boundaries, and who steps into personal space on a regular basis.  This person is loud and aggressive in their language.  This is a person who is offensive.  Yet no one has had the courage to gently say to this person, “when you step that close to me, I feel uncomfortable.”  Or “when you use that tone of voice with me, I feel threatened.”  Instead everyone just collectively, but behind this person’s back, says, “well, that’s just the way Roger is.”  “That’s just Roger.”  “He can’t help the way he behaves.”  “We are all just tolerant and accepting of Roger.”  This is problematic because it has alienated a few people in the church who don’t want to deal with Roger.  It has also made it hard on visitors since they don’t “just know the way Roger is.”  By failing to confront Roger, they are making a choice about excluding other people from their circle, people who might have a great deal to contribute if they were made to feel important and valued enough to stop Roger’s hurtful people towards them.

But I found myself, as I listened to my friend, thinking more about how I would feel if I were Roger and I found out that everyone was speaking about me in this way.  I would feel mortified and humiliated to learn that people were saying, “Well, that’s just Barbara” rather than talking to me directly about something crazy or goofy or offensive that I was doing.  And I would guess that most of us feel this way.  Wouldn’t you rather know that someone was upset with you by hearing about it directly from the person?  Wouldn’t you rather that people not assume that you can’t learn or that you don’t really want to know when you are making a mistake?  Wouldn’t you rather that people think that you are open to learning and are open to hearing the truth? 

When we think about confrontation, we think about how uncomfortable it is for the person confronting, or how hurtful it is to the person who is being confronted.  We don’t as often think about how hurtful it is when we walk around with egg on our face and everyone is afraid to tell us.  Or how hurtful it is to hear about something we’ve done wrong third hand, knowing that others know about our mistakes before we are told. 

As hard as it is to hear this, the truth is that it is a gift to our neighbors, our brothers and sisters in faith when we speak the truth to them in love.  It is a gift to be able to grow from our mistakes and learn from them.  It is a gift to be told in a loving and gentle way when we have hurt someone.  It allows us to grow.  It gives an opportunity for a more real and honest relationship between people. 

To love someone is to relentlessly seek the well-being of the other.  It is to want and work towards the highest spiritual growth for the other.  We cannot do that by failing to be honest with the other.  We cannot do that by gossiping about the other.  We cannot do that by hiding the truth from the other. 

It is also important to not speak for other people.  We need to be careful that we only and always speak for ourselves.   “People are saying” is not a good way to express one’s opinion about something.  It is hurtful because it leaves no room for response, and it is usually not accurate.  People say things, but if they really wanted them to be known they would speak to you directly.  Own your own feelings and speak for yourself and only yourself.  Also, when you use the phrase, “people are saying” you are basically admitting that you are participating in gossip, which again is simply hurtful and tends to  grow problems rather than shrinking them.    

But while we are called to speak the truth to one another, I also think HOW we do that is as important as what we say.  And a helpful way to think about how we talk to each other is to use the acronym “THINK” as in “Think” before you Speak.

Is it True

Is it Helpful

Is it Inspiring

Is it Necessary

     and

 Is it Kind.

When we do speak the truth, sometimes we can get stuck at the “it is true” and forget to consider these other things.  For example, will this be a helpful thing to say?  Going up to someone, for example, and telling them they have an ugly nose, while it may be true, is not going to be helpful since there is nothing they can do about that.  Global statements, “you handled that really poorly”, are not helpful.  What is helpful are specifics, and if they can be phrased in positive ways, that is especially helpful.  “It might be helpful for you next time to not call the person an idiot so that they are better able to really hear what you are wanting to say.”

Second, Is it a necessary thing to say?  It is not necessary to say every thought that goes through our heads.  But sometimes I think we get so stuck on the “is it true” that we forget that we don’t have to say things that aren’t kind, helpful, and necessary.  

Third, can we find a kind way to speak our truth?  One way to do that is to use the formula, I feel x when you do y because z.  Again, we don’t have to attack others to communicate what we want to say.

And finally, is it inspiring.  I left that for last because I think it is the hardest one.  What that we say is truly inspiring?  What changes people?  What motivates people?  What moves people?  Those are good things to say.

The bottom line is that it is not enough to speak the truth.  We have to speak the truth IN LOVE.  And that is not always easy.  When we become angry, when we feel righteous, when we feel defensive, when we are hurt and hurting, it is way too easy to lash out.  I saw a post on Facebook this week that said, “A tongue has no bones, but it is strong enough to break a heart.”  I hope for each of us that the legacy of our words is not breaking hearts, but boosting one another in love. 

Today’s scriptures give us wisdom about communicating with one another in love.  We don’t learn all of these things in an hour or a day, but they are words to grow into.  Amen.