Talking

There are some big holes in our education  - how to work finances, geography, understanding of other cultures, empathy being just a few. One of those holes is in the area of communication. We are not taught how to talk to one another in helpful ways unless we go into very specific fields of work. Even then for many the education is sketchy at best.  We are not taught how to confront in ways that are loving, effective, clear or understandable.  We also are not taught how to listen and be with one another during hard times.  Instead people tend to react and respond to their own feelings in one of the following unhelpful ways:

1. When hurt or upset, some people revert to name-calling or other accusatory behavior.  Most people have not been taught that the most effective way to tell someone you are upset is to use an "I" statement:  "I feel x when you do y because of z."  I know that sounds canned, but it really does work. There are other ways to phrase this, but using statements about how you feel instead of talking about the other person is much much more affective than attacking, blaming or condemning the other. When people are called names or attacked, they usually respond by attacking back.  No one hears, there is no possibility of movement or progression, the conflict escalates.  Psychology tells us that when we are angry parts of our brain are literally turned off.  That is why if you have a weapon in your hand when you become angry, it is far too easy to use it.  When we become angry, the parts of our brain that make logical, rational decisions can't function.  We also stop hearing.  Being forced to use an "I" statement has the effect of calming us down to the point where we can actually hear one another and think.  But again, we aren't taught how to do this.  We aren't trained in calming ourselves down enough to be rational or to be able to communicate effectively.

As a result, many other people choose option 2:

2.  When people don't like something, some people revert to the silent treatment. Instead of confronting (because they've realized that blowing up in someone's face doesn't work), many people opt instead to withdraw.  This, too, is very unhelpful.  It assumes the other person will notice and come to you.  But if the other person is also a "withdrawer" then the result can be the disintegration of a relationship that otherwise could probably have been healed, worked through, reconciled. Sometimes people feel they need to pull back and just "get over it" on their own.  But this, too, often backfires because the next time something happens, the unresolved issues have a way of popping back up as well.  It also does not give the other person the opportunity to learn and grow.  We all need help to be the best we can be, so honesty is a good thing.  It calls us to learn, to grow, to do better in our relationships with other people.  But people are afraid to speak their truth, especially if it is different from what other think, in part because they don't know the words to use that will help them to be heard, they are afraid of the response of the other (because again, few have been trained in how to do this), or they are afraid of creating conflict.  There are ways to present things (again, using "I" statements, avoiding attacking or name calling another person's ideas or thoughts, presenting ideas as just that - ideas, rather than "truth"), that make it much easier for others to hear and understand.  But these ways must be learned, they are not innately known.

As a result, many people additionally choose option three:

3.  Some people choose to "process" with other people.  There is another word for this: gossip.  It can become worse than this, it can become a situation where people are incited to turn against others.  But even if it doesn't go this far, gossip is still incredibly damaging.  There is no way for a person to respond to gossip, to grow from gossip, to change because of gossip.  Gossip again works only to alienate, isolate, and hurt others.  It doesn't make things better.  It damages relationships.

I want to list one more thing here that isn't helpful and is another choice many people make when communicating to others:

4.  Giving advice.  I've found that even people who are trained, who "know better" still cannot seem to resist this particularly bad way of responding to others.  We know that when people talk about what is going on with them, they are wanting to be heard.  We know that when people share their pain and frustrations they need to feel understood.  Giving advice does not lead to a person feeling understood.  It usually leads to a person feeling put down. The advice giver is implying that they understand the situation better than the person in the situation themself.  The advice giver is implying that they are more knowledgeable, wiser, more understanding than the person themself.  Unless a person specifically asks for advice, therefore, it is much better to empathize, to be present, to listen.  But even those trained in this often seem to have a hard time refraining from offering advice.

In contrast to these ways of responding to one another, I find myself thinking of two phrases that are helpful when we communicate with one another.  The first is THINK:
Is whatever you are communicating:
True,
Helpful,
Inspired,
Necessary and
Kind?

The other is RESPECT:
(take) Responsibility for what you say and feel without blaming or attacking others.
(use) Empathetic listening
(be) Sensitive to differences in communication, in experience, in view points.
Ponder what you hear and feel before you speak
Examine your own assumptions and perceptions.
(keep) Confidentiality
Trust ambiguity because there usually is not one right or wrong.

There are other ways to communicate badly and there are other ways to communicate well.  But for today that is enough.  To return to my original paragraph: we really need to begin teaching communication for everyone.  The world would be a much saner place if we could simply learn how to talk to one another, and even more, how to listen.

Sermon #2 at CVPC - Evil Talk

Ephesians 4:25-5:2

Matthew 18:15-18

               Today’s passage from Ephesians is rich with advice.  “Be angry without sinning.”  “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”  “Don’t provide an opportunity for evil.”  “Thieves stop stealing.”  “Don’t let foul words come out of your mouth.”  “Put aside all bitterness.”  “ Don’t lose your temper.”   And then we hear the Matthew passage.  And it tells us to be honest and to talk to those who are hurting us. All of these are wonderfully true and important when we consider how to talk to one another.  But it can also be hard to muddle through.  Still, they all basically come down to the same thing.  Be careful and intentional with your words.

But how do we do this?   Today’s passage from Matthew instructs us to talk to one another.  To “confront” one another, to use a word that most of us find unpleasant and difficult to deal with.  It instructs us how to do this…in a direct, but loving way.  We are to go and talk to one another first one on one in private, and then if we are not heard, to take a witness with us and try again.  This passage is important for many reasons.

First, it tells us what we are not to do when someone hurts us.  We are not to go talking about it to other people.  This is undoubtedly the hardest part of this.  We are to speak to the person him or her-self about what has upset us.  Also, we don’t ask someone to do our talking for us.  If we are upset about something, we are to talk to the person directly and if they don’t listen, we bring in a second person to listen while we again talk to the person directly.   The other person we bring is simply a witness, not an active participant in the conversation.

Neither of these things are easy.  It is much easier to “process” with someone else, or to just decide not to talk to a person about a problem. I was talking with another pastor friend this week about her experiences with her church.  She was telling me about a parishioner who is a real challenge.  This is someone who has no sense of personal boundaries, and who steps into personal space on a regular basis.  This person is loud and aggressive in their language.  This is a person who is offensive.  Yet no one has had the courage to gently say to this person, “when you step that close to me, I feel uncomfortable.”  Or “when you use that tone of voice with me, I feel threatened.”  Instead everyone just collectively, but behind this person’s back, says, “well, that’s just the way Roger is.”  “That’s just Roger.”  “He can’t help the way he behaves.”  “We are all just tolerant and accepting of Roger.”  This is problematic because it has alienated a few people in the church who don’t want to deal with Roger.  It has also made it hard on visitors since they don’t “just know the way Roger is.”  By failing to confront Roger, they are making a choice about excluding other people from their circle, people who might have a great deal to contribute if they were made to feel important and valued enough to stop Roger’s hurtful people towards them.

But I found myself, as I listened to my friend, thinking more about how I would feel if I were Roger and I found out that everyone was speaking about me in this way.  I would feel mortified and humiliated to learn that people were saying, “Well, that’s just Barbara” rather than talking to me directly about something crazy or goofy or offensive that I was doing.  And I would guess that most of us feel this way.  Wouldn’t you rather know that someone was upset with you by hearing about it directly from the person?  Wouldn’t you rather that people not assume that you can’t learn or that you don’t really want to know when you are making a mistake?  Wouldn’t you rather that people think that you are open to learning and are open to hearing the truth? 

When we think about confrontation, we think about how uncomfortable it is for the person confronting, or how hurtful it is to the person who is being confronted.  We don’t as often think about how hurtful it is when we walk around with egg on our face and everyone is afraid to tell us.  Or how hurtful it is to hear about something we’ve done wrong third hand, knowing that others know about our mistakes before we are told. 

As hard as it is to hear this, the truth is that it is a gift to our neighbors, our brothers and sisters in faith when we speak the truth to them in love.  It is a gift to be able to grow from our mistakes and learn from them.  It is a gift to be told in a loving and gentle way when we have hurt someone.  It allows us to grow.  It gives an opportunity for a more real and honest relationship between people. 

To love someone is to relentlessly seek the well-being of the other.  It is to want and work towards the highest spiritual growth for the other.  We cannot do that by failing to be honest with the other.  We cannot do that by gossiping about the other.  We cannot do that by hiding the truth from the other. 

It is also important to not speak for other people.  We need to be careful that we only and always speak for ourselves.   “People are saying” is not a good way to express one’s opinion about something.  It is hurtful because it leaves no room for response, and it is usually not accurate.  People say things, but if they really wanted them to be known they would speak to you directly.  Own your own feelings and speak for yourself and only yourself.  Also, when you use the phrase, “people are saying” you are basically admitting that you are participating in gossip, which again is simply hurtful and tends to  grow problems rather than shrinking them.    

But while we are called to speak the truth to one another, I also think HOW we do that is as important as what we say.  And a helpful way to think about how we talk to each other is to use the acronym “THINK” as in “Think” before you Speak.

Is it True

Is it Helpful

Is it Inspiring

Is it Necessary

     and

 Is it Kind.

When we do speak the truth, sometimes we can get stuck at the “it is true” and forget to consider these other things.  For example, will this be a helpful thing to say?  Going up to someone, for example, and telling them they have an ugly nose, while it may be true, is not going to be helpful since there is nothing they can do about that.  Global statements, “you handled that really poorly”, are not helpful.  What is helpful are specifics, and if they can be phrased in positive ways, that is especially helpful.  “It might be helpful for you next time to not call the person an idiot so that they are better able to really hear what you are wanting to say.”

Second, Is it a necessary thing to say?  It is not necessary to say every thought that goes through our heads.  But sometimes I think we get so stuck on the “is it true” that we forget that we don’t have to say things that aren’t kind, helpful, and necessary.  

Third, can we find a kind way to speak our truth?  One way to do that is to use the formula, I feel x when you do y because z.  Again, we don’t have to attack others to communicate what we want to say.

And finally, is it inspiring.  I left that for last because I think it is the hardest one.  What that we say is truly inspiring?  What changes people?  What motivates people?  What moves people?  Those are good things to say.

The bottom line is that it is not enough to speak the truth.  We have to speak the truth IN LOVE.  And that is not always easy.  When we become angry, when we feel righteous, when we feel defensive, when we are hurt and hurting, it is way too easy to lash out.  I saw a post on Facebook this week that said, “A tongue has no bones, but it is strong enough to break a heart.”  I hope for each of us that the legacy of our words is not breaking hearts, but boosting one another in love. 

Today’s scriptures give us wisdom about communicating with one another in love.  We don’t learn all of these things in an hour or a day, but they are words to grow into.  Amen.

Sunday's Sermon - Authority and Right Behavior

Deuteronomy 18:15-22
1 Corinthians 8:1-13
Mark 1:21-28

We start today with the passage from Deuteronomy that calls us to be careful, especially as leaders in the church, of what we say, of what we teach.  We are then led to the Corinthians passage which calls us to be mindful of everything that we DO so that we are not leading people astray or down a bad path.  And finally we come to the Mark passage in which Jesus’ authority is made clear. He both teaches and acts with an authority that astounds and shakes people up.
Of course Jesus’ authority shakes people up.  He got it RIGHT.  He was able to do what he set out to do.  He was able to cure and exorcise demons.  He was able to speak in a way that people heard differently.  He spoke, as we are told, “with an authority that was not like the legal experts.”  Have you ever been in a place where someone was speaking and the words touched you with an authority that shook you?  Where the words felt like they went all the way into your heart in a way that was different from what we usually hear or the ways we usually hear?  Have you ever heard someone speak, even to a group, and know that somehow the words that were coming out of that other person’s mouth were spoken FOR you and TO you even if the person saying them wasn’t aware of it?
Several years ago, I was helping out in Youngest’s classroom.  I was walking with the children to their computer lab when we passed the school janitor.  Youngest’s teacher said hi to the man and he responded, “Just Keep believing”!  But as he said it, he turned to me and locked eyes with me for just a moment.  And I had that feeling, that feeling of being hit by lightning, that feeling of having heard a message just for me, that feeling of having met an angel, a messenger from God who had something that I needed to hear in that moment.  If this stranger had actually spoken these words to me directly, I doubt that I would have taken them in the same way.  I would have heard them as trite, or would have felt “preached at”.  He was the janitor, someone some people might dismiss.  But through his voice in that moment and at that time, I heard God.  In that moment he spoke with authority.  I don’t know if he was even aware of it, but that doesn’t matter.  He spoke with authority in that moment to me.
This has happened for me other times as well.  A couple months ago at one of our praise services we read a scripture passage from James 3 and 4 that I had prepared to preach on ahead of time.  Mostly it focused on not judging others, but there was one verse in the passage, “You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”  And while it was one verse among many and not the verses that I had focused on when I was preparing the sermon, when the scripture was read that evening, those passages spoke to me.  They spoke to me differently.  They spoke with authority to me about our relationships with God.  Are we in relationship with God so that we can get what we want from God?  Do we pray so God will bless us and our lives with abundance?  Some preachers preach this idea with a theology called “prosperity gospel” in which the message really is that if we just do x, God will give us y.  It is all about what we can get from God and that is the call they use to bring people into faith.  But this passage from James says something different.  Do we do all of this for ourselves?  Are we here in this place because it will make us happier?  Or do we worship and pray because God calls us to pray, God calls us into a life of faith because God wants us to live lives that serve OTHERS?  Do we ask, how will this benefit me?  Or do we ask, how will this serve God and God’s people?  That verse in James hit me in that moment with great authority, with truth, with depth, with God’s presence.
Sometimes I have been talking with one of you, or more, have been part of a conversation with a bunch of people, and one of you will say something that, similarly, hits me differently.  It will go into my heart in a different, new way as if the words were spoken with authority, as if God God-self had commanded that they be said.  When we hear something spoken like that, when we hear God’s voice behind the words, it is amazingly powerful, and it shakes us to the core.
In today’s passage from Deuteronomy the prophets are being warned.  They are being warned to only speak God’s truth or they will die.  But the reality is we all die.  And perhaps that is in part because we all mess up, there are times even the prophets got it wrong and get it wrong. We know this because we believe there was only one who got it right ALL the time and that was Jesus.  We also know it from the stories of the prophets themselves.  Jeremiah got it wrong by thinking he couldn’t do anything because he was too young.  Moses got it wrong thinking that because of his speech impediment, he could not lead the Israelites.  Jonah got it wrong over and over again – first by running from God and then by being angry that God did not destroy Nineveh.  The prophets were all human and so sometimes they got it wrong.  We are the same.  No matter how faithfully we strive to follow God and to speak what God would have us say, sometimes we get it wrong.  Mostly I’m not even sure we know it when we get it wrong.  We could be preaching with great conviction and still be totally misguided in our understanding.  Sometimes we know we’ve got it wrong after the words escape our lips, and the only thing we can do is apologize.  At my last church I had to do the memorial service for a stranger who was the adult son of a couple of my parishioners and who had committed suicide.  After the service, the father of the deceased man came up to me and said, “That must have been a really hard service to do.”  I looked at this parishioner, a man in his 80s at the time, someone whom I deeply loved and respected and the words flew out of my mouth, “It wasn’t as hard as it will be to do yours.”  The second I said the words I knew they were just the stupidest, most insensitive thing I could have said.  I meant to communicate care to this man whom I really did care about.  But sometimes we just get it wrong.
           Jesus' words and behavior showed us a great contrast to this for he spoke with wisdom, love and authority at all times.  He acted with wisdom, love and authority at all times.  His words and his actions caused even the demons to speak who he was and to be afraid.  His words and his actions touched people and shook them to the core.  His words and his actions caused people to ask why and how he spoke with authority.  And that authority stemmed from love.  That authority came from the place where Jesus cared more about healing others through giving them God’s word and God’s healing than he cared about his own life.  That authority came from the place where Jesus was all about serving and loving US, to the point where he was willing to be killed because of how much he loved us.
In the Corinthian passage we are called to act with that same care.  Yes, we are told, we have been given freedom in our faith, a freedom to live more fully.  But if we enact that freedom in a way that confuses, or misleads another, or worse, causes another to fall away from God, then we have misused the freedom that God has given us.  Does that mean that we are called to make some sacrifices?  Absolutely.  But more, it means we are called to notice.  What are we doing that helps and uplifts others and what are we doing that causes others to turn from their faith, from living their lives as wholly and fully as they can? What are we doing that brings faith and joy and love to others and what are we doing that causes others to stumble?  And are we willing to give some things, not because we have to but because it is the loving thing to do for the sake of those other people whom God also loves?  Are we willing to live lives that demonstrate love for even those people who make us uncomfortable, even those people we may hate, because we love God?  Are we willing to focus on the other, and on God, more than on ourselves?  We have to think about this not only by our actions but by our words as well.  There is a saying that we should THINK before we speak.  Each of the letters in the word “THINK” stand for something.  Is what we are about to say True?  Is it Helpful?  Is it Inspiring?  Is it Necessary?  And is it Kind?
We won’t always get it right.  We don’t have the authority, the wisdom or the love of Christ.  But the more we strive to live as Christ, the closer we become to the people God calls us to be.  Amen.