Truth Telling

(I apologize that the spacing, etc is so weird.  Blogger has changed things and I can't seem to edit some of the hidden codes in this to fix it). 

James 1:19-27, Matthew 18:15-22, Luke 11:2-4

            Today’s passage from Matthew is a familiar one.  It comes around every three years through the regular lectionary, as it has this week.  But it is also a familiar passage because I think we refer to it often in our congregations when we are talking about confrontation, problems, disagreements, and how to work them through.  We all know that people almost universally in our culture find it easier and more compelling to talk about one another than to talk to one another.  And we know that this is a serious problem in many communities, but perhaps especially in the church.  In professional settings behaviors such as gossip and talking behind backs tends to be more regulated and have more consequences.  But in volunteer communities, such as the church, people can behave in ways that are very destructive.  For example, the tendency towards gossip is strong everywhere, but in our congregations perhaps it is even more so.  It happens in every congregation.  But I think one of the number one signs of the health of a congregation is how much power that gossip is given within a church community.  Do people take what they hear through gossip, treat it as “truth” and pass it forward, anonymously?  Or do they insist that people speak only for themselves, telling their own stories only, not what “someone in the church has said”? 

         The congregation that I served in Ohio was, frankly, an incredibly healthy congregation.  And when someone tried to spread nasty gossip, or to attack others behind their backs, not only were those comments not treated as ‘truth”, not only were they not passed along, but the people who the gossips tried to attack were NEVER told, “someone in the church told me in confidence, but I think you should know…”  Or “I can’t tell you who said this, but x, y, z.”  These are unhealthy behaviors.  If someone has said something, we are told in Matthew, they need to speak it directly to the person, to claim it, to own it.  If they have to hide behind, “well, don’t tell anyone where you heard this,” or “don’t tell so-and-so that I said this” then it should NEVER be said in the first place.  If we cannot own the stories we are speaking, they should never be spoken.  And if it is someone else’s story, it is never ours to share.  The only anecdote to the poison of gossip is transparency.  I want to say that again: the ONLY anecdote to the poison of gossip is transparency.  That means owning what we are saying, not passing on things that are not ours to tell, making sure that everyone owns their own actions and own words. 

Why?  Well, this is important for a multitude of reasons. 

We all know the story of the game operator.  One person whispers a story to another.  That person doesn’t quite hear it the way it was said, or more often, the way it was intended and whispers it to the next person.  By the time it comes back to the original speaker again, it has changed into something unrecognizable.  Gossip recreates that game, usually in destructive ways.  This is not because people are intentionally unkind.  It’s just that we all like a good drama and so we tend, both in our hearing but also in our retelling of events, to build them up, just a little, which then is built up more by the next person, etc.  I think about the parishioner of one of my congregations who told me she was leaving the church because of something she had heard.  What she told me she had heard had maybe 5% truth in it.  But she believed it.  When asked who told her this, she hid behind “confidentiality” which meant that there was no possible way to do the truth telling that was needed in the community to dispel this particular rumor.  She left because she gave gossip power; the power to determine for her what was true.  She clung to the gossip, even when faced with the truth, and she left the church body because of it.  Her story is not unique.  This happens everywhere, and it is one of the many reasons Jesus wrote that when we are upset with someone or hurt by someone we are to go to them directly, speak to them directly.  Not talk ABOUT it, but talk TO the persons with whom we are having issues. 

There is another important reason why we should own our own stuff, not gossip, not speak for or about others.  And that is that when we choose to champion someone else’s problem for them, we believe we are doing something good, something heroic and kind even.  We are standing up for someone.  We are being their savior, defender.  But the truth is that what we are really doing is saying that that person is weak, incapable of defending themself, incapable of speaking their own truth.  We are not respecting or honoring someone by doing the work of speaking for them. 

My family watched Murdock Mysteries for a time.  This is a historical fiction murder mystery series that takes place in the early 1900’s.  At one point the woman coroner, Julia Ogden, is arguing with the chief of police.  She is holding her own, but she at one point turns to Murdock who is just watching the argument and not saying anything.  She expresses frustration that he is not defending her and stomps out of the police station.  Later she confronts him on it.  “Why didn’t you defend me!”  To which he replied, “you did not need me to do that for you!  I knew that you were a strong enough woman that you did not need to be ‘rescued’ or ‘saved’ by the big powerful man.   If I had jumped in, the police chief never would have come to respect YOUR strength and your ability to speak for yourself as a full human being.”  Julia was stunned, but also realized the truth of what Murdock had said.  If he had jumped in to “rescue” her, it would have been a strong statement of her inability to stand up for herself and be counted as a full adult to be respected and trusted for her own words and abilities.

We do and should stand up for children. But we also know that it is more important for us to empower them to speak for themselves. We should and do stand up for people who are oppressed by the larger system.  But in doing so, we are recognizing that they have limited power and that it is much, much better to empower their words than to speak for them.  When we choose to “stand up” for someone else, we are taking away from them the power they do have on their own: we are lessening their perceived strength if not, in fact, their actual strength.  We diminish them in so doing.  

A third reason we should not do this is that those who are victimized by our unkindness, by our gossiping, by our slander, by our love of drama and our failure to listen tend to be the people who have less privilege in the first place.  They have less privilege for a number of reasons: fewer social skills, less standing in the community: or in the larger world, less power because of being marginalized for one reason or another.  We are called to “check our privilege” and to not live that out or act that out.   

To take that a step further, a commentary written by Audrey West in the Working Preacher said it this way, “This passage (from Matthew on how to confront) can easily become dangerous and abusive if it is interpreted in the context of either individualism or legalism, both of which can result in the attempted control and manipulation of the offender due to a sense of victimization.”

The truth of this is obvious when we hear white people claiming to be victims of racism.  We are the people in power.  But when we abuse that privilege by claiming to be the victims ourselves, we control the situation in dangerous ways. Sometimes those with “lesser” power use these behaviors, gossip, victimization, to reclaim their own power.  But there is great danger in doing so.

In the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Toula was upset because her father had told her that she cannot go to college.  In his words, “women don’t need education.”  And Toula approached her mother in tears saying, “Dad is so stubborn.  And what he says goes.  ‘The man is the head of the house.’”  Her mother responded with, “Let me tell you something, Toula.  The man is the head of the house.  But the woman is the neck.  And she can turn the head any way she wants!”  At the time that I heard that, I was impressed with that thinking.  In Patriarchal cultures and families, then, there still is some power in the female of the couple.  But then I saw the way in which she claimed her power.  And it was through the victimization that we named before.  “Oh, so women don’t need education because we aren’t as smart?  You don’t think I’m as smart as you?”  It was manipulative, but also harmful to herself because it was lacking in honesty, it did not allow her to claim her power with authenticity or strength.

I think about the phrase I’ve heard so many people use, “Who wears the pants in the family?”  Usually what we mean by that is who appears to be in charge, the more dominant member of the household, the alpha dog as it were.  But I remember very clearly counseling a couple where the one who “wore the pants” by everyone else’s understanding really had no ultimate power because his wife again used the victimization behavior to get whatever she wanted.  If her husband would not listen to her “you’ve wronged me”, “you’ve mistreated me” statements that were made in response to any decision he made (whether it affected her or not) that she didn’t agree with, then she would take her complaint to the larger family group.  “He wronged me, he mistreated me!” until the husband was badgered, bullied and pressured into doing what she wanted.  People use victimization as a weapon, as much as others use dominance as a weapon.  They use gossip as a way to control others, to reclaim power.  But these methods of claiming power damage our own souls.  We know we are exaggerating the stories, we know that we are not being honest or truthful, we know that we are being manipulative.  And that lack of honest claiming of one’s own voice, one’s own truth harms no one more than it harms ourselves.  It obfuscates truth.  People think they are making choices based on reality, but they are not.  They are making choices based on falsehoods.  This happens at all levels: politically, personally, and in smaller communities as well.  (It takes keen perception to see where the power truly lies in any situation.  It is often not where we think it really is.)

This passage from Matthew addresses all of that.  By insisting that people stop the victimization, stop the gossiping, stop the excuse of “I was told not to say who said this but…”, all of these power plays, abuses of power and dishonest interactions are ended.  Relationships have a chance then of being restored based on honesty and truth and trust, rather than destroyed because of gossip and lies. 

I think it is vital to notice that what this passage emphasizes again and again is that true communication, healthy confrontation, a commitment to working out problems in community begins with listening.  Listening is mentioned here four times in the first three verses of this passage from Matthew.  James said it this way, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

But people really struggle to listen.  And what I find the most interesting is that it is often those who claim others aren’t listening who themselves listen the least.   Let me say that another way: it is often true that no one listens less than the person who is accusing others of not listening. 

Let me give you an example.  The Presbytery I used to be part of went through a long discernment process on whether or not they would vote to support the ordination of LGBTQ+ folk.  They had three separate presbytery meetings on the issue.  At the first one a well-known speaker in favor of the ordination came and presented for an hour followed by break out groups for discussion.  Not surprisingly, those against the ordination simply chose to not attend this meeting.  They simply did not come.  The next month we reversed it.  We had someone speak against the ordination for an hour, again followed by break out groups for discussion.  Interestingly, everyone turned out for this one, even our LGBTQ+ members for whom it was an extremely painful day.  At the third meeting then we took our vote.  And as a Presbytery we voted overwhelmingly in favor of the ordination of LGBTQ+ persons.  The response from those who disagreed?  “You didn’t listen!”  The clerk of the Presbytery meeting had the numbers.  She was able to point out that everyone had shown up to hear the person arguing against this stand, and that many of those who were angry with the decision, in contrast, had chosen not to listen or attend the meeting where the person in favor of the decision had spoken.  And yet still, the cry rallied long and hard, “You didn’t listen!” 

There is a strong difference between not listening and not agreeing.  It is very possible to listen and still not agree.  But while we know that is true from our own perspectives, do we give others that same benefit of the doubt? 

So, returning to the Matthew passage and his clarity around how we are to talk to one another, especially when there are problems, what does all of this really mean?  Several things:

1.        1. First and foremost, we are called to speak directly to others when we are upset or feel mistreated about something.  I gave reasons above why this is important.  To reiterate, speaking truth directly prevents the harm of growing misinformation, it empowers others to claim their own voice and speak for themselves, and it avoids the evil and damage of malicious gossip.   2. When someone does repeat gossip to us about someone else, we need to not give it power.  That means it is OUR responsibility to say, “it sounds like you need to go and speak to that person directly.”  If they are asking you to stand up for them, ask them to come along, tell them that you will use their name if you are being asked to repeat the information.  If you hear, “please say something but don’t tell them it came from me,” then I would first off be very suspicious about the truth of the story at all.  Why don’t they want to be associated with their own words?  We must encourage one another to grow in courage if people are afraid to speak their own truth.  This is supposed to be a trusted community where people can speak for themselves.  If it is not, then work must be done to fix that. 3.       Call them on it.  “Do not tell me things that you are not willing to own.”  If that means they stop gossiping to you?  That would be a good thing!  Maybe less interesting story and drama for you, but in the end, a healthier, safer community.  4.       Refuse to repeat gossip.  Again, if it is not your story to tell, don’t tell it.  Give others enough credit and respect to believe they have the strength to speak for themselves and do not need you to treat them as a child needing you to defend them.  They can speak directly about their own upsets and you should do the same.  Go directly to those who hurt you, not to other people trying to drum up their support for your cause.  5.       Choose transparency therefore.  Speak your truth and YOUR truth only.  Speak it directly. 6.       And finally, and what is most important in all of this: today’s passage from Matthew ends with forgiveness.  There is a reason that the passages on forgiving is part of this mandate to speak directly to people when you are harmed or upset.  Do your best to reconcile.  Speak your truth.  But beyond all of that, let it go and forgive.  Jesus says, “if they don’t listen then, treat them as a gentile or tax collector.”  How did Jesus treat the Gentiles and tax collectors?  He loved them, he forgave them repeatedly, he invited them into relationship.  In other words, if they don’t listen, love them anyway.  Let it go.  Forgive.  One of my colleagues in ministry said to our lectionary group this week, “the one thing Satan can’t tolerate is forgiveness”.  Yes.  Because evil thrives on our anger, on our hate, on our rage, on our inability to be open and compassionate, and grace-full and loving.  When we choose compassion and grace and forgiveness, we are freed.  As the Lord’s Prayer teaches us, God is OUR parent, Our father – this is communal.  We are stuck with one another.  And the question for us, then, is how do we live that out as people of faith?  As the Lord’s prayer tells us, but also as the passage in Matthew ends, we are to forgive one another again and again and again. 

    Gossip is not an act of reconciliation or forgiveness.  It is cruel, it is unkind and it is unacceptable.  Today’s passage begins with a call to go and speak directly to those who upset you.  And it ends with the call to forgiveness, not seven times, but seventy seven times.  This would have been understood at the time to mean “for good” or “completely”.  Seven was considered a number of completion.  Seven times Seventy meant “forever.”  Each week we say the Lord’s prayer and we say “forgive us our debts (or sins) as we forgive those who sin against us.”  We are praying not only for God to forgive us, but that we can forgive others.  Because the reality is that when we cannot forgive others, we cannot understand or accept the forgiveness of God into our own hearts.  It’s not because God doesn’t forgive us.  But accepting forgiveness in requires a peace that only comes from letting go of our anger towards others.  Anger is a taking a poison and expecting the other person to die.

We are not free from each other.  We are free in each other, when we can be in relationship with those who are different from ourselves and choose honest, open, transparent, forgiving, caring.

None of this is easy.  It is a growing edge for all of us.  But it is vital to a healthy and thriving community that we work on this with intention, with faith, and most of all with love.  Go and speak your truth, but do it with love, preparing always to forgive.  Amen.

The bad news first

       We just returned from two weeks of vacation, during which we drove up to Canada, spent a week there and then drove back along the coast.  We saw a lot, met some wonderful people, had good family time, and returned exhausted but full of our adventures.  I will write more about all we saw and did at a later time.  But today I want to start by writing about some of the negative, and some of the harder things I'm taking from this vacation.
       We experienced quite a bit of stupid on this trip. At one point we had stopped on the Oregon Coast at a vista site off the highway: a very high cliff looking over the ocean.  We were separated from the cliff by a small stone wall, with clear signs written all over it, "Danger!  Erosive area.  Do NOT go beyond wall."  But, despite the postings, and the obvious danger of a cliff that dropped straight down, there were people on the other side of the wall.  One boy, probably around 13 years of age, was actually sitting on the cliff, feet dangling between two large boulders under which there appeared to be nothing but air.  I freaked out.  My father yelled at the boy to not be stupid, which finally roused him to back up a little.  His parents eventually noticed him and read him the riot act.  After seeing that the boy's parents were trying to get him off the cliff, as well as my dad, I tried to get my own kids back in the car.  I didn't know why the boy was acting like this, but I didn't want my kids to see this kid fall to his death. I didn't think they needed that image forever plastered on their minds.  I get the thrill of risk-taking.  But there is a line...
      Two days ago we were driving in Oregon on Hwy 101.  Hwy 101 is very curvy in places, lots of blind corners, but still a highway with 55mph speed limits for much of the road.  We were driving on a section that was three lanes wide: two lanes going South (where we were driving) and one lane heading North.  The road was divided by a clear double yellow line.  I was driving in the left of the two lanes heading South because there was a car in the right-most lane that was going about 50 mph and I wanted to drive closer to the posted 55 limit.  We came to a blind curve and as I turned, I saw an oversized pick-up in my lane, going North and heading straight for me.  Fortunately, I was not yet next to the car I was trying to pass, so I very quickly swerved into the right lane, so quickly that I over-corrected and had to swerve back a little to stay on the road.  There wasn't time to honk, and my father, who had been driving behind me, also nearly missed the guy but was able to swerve back into the right lane.  My father was able to honk, which "woke" the guy up who then went back into his correct lane.  I missed the truck by only a foot or so.  It was close enough that I had to pull off the road because I was shaking so hard at this near head-on collision.  I don't know why he was driving in the wrong lane.  Playing chicken?  Drunk?  Sleeping?  Whatever the reason, that "stupid" nearly got all of us killed.  All of us.  Killed.
       We also experienced meanness on this trip.  We spent one night in a small harbor town in Canada.  David and I walked down early in the morning to try to find a place for the seven of us to get breakfast.  We walked into the only open café at that time and saw that there were about 4 people standing in a line at the register.  Next to this line was a display case with pastries and other food items showing what they had for sale.  So David and I walked over to the display case to see what was available, and if there were foods that all of us could eat (my mother is a diabetic, my daughter is a vegetarian, my son has sensory integration disorder and doesn't eat very many foods).  We walked up to the case when this very tall (at least 6'4") man shouted at us, "Hey!  There's a line you know!"  I turned around simply astonished.  "We were just looking to see what the café has" I said.  To which he shouted, "Well I can't see around you!" after which he ordered his food from the cashier, clearly not needing to "see around me," though I found it astonishing to think this huge person could not see around me, even if he had "needed" to.
          Later that day, after a lot of driving and museum hopping, all seven of us tried to find a place to eat.  The first place we went was closed (no notice on the web-site about it, but it was closed).  The second place was hard to find.  The third place looked a little pricey, but by this time we were all just really, really hungry.  (Did I mention my mother is a diabetic?  Not smart to go too long without eating.)  We stepped inside and told the host that there were seven of us.  He took one look at us and said, "well, we are going to have to move some tables together, so it will be a half hour wait."  I could see a number of empty tables behind him, so I said, "well, we can split into two groups.  Each group can pay for the people at their own table.  Therefore it's like two different groups.  Can we be seated faster that way?"  "I'll have to ask my manager," he nonsensically replied.  I tried to explain again.  "We would be just two small groups.  I see there is room.  Can we be seated sooner if we come in just as two smaller groups: one of three and one of four?"  "I'll have to ask my manager," he said, looking me up and down in a way that made it very clear that he didn't want to seat us because we didn't look fancy enough.  We were dressed casually, as in tourist mode.
        Still later that same day, at a hotel back in the US now, we were in an elevator when we were joined by a transgender couple.  They were talking really loudly about how all Christians are horrible.  It took me a minute to realize I was wearing my "Clayton Valley Presbyterian Church" shirt.  I understand why they would feel that way.  But just as they do not like assumptions to be made about who they are based on their orientation or gender, I would hope they would practice this same policy and not make assumptions about what all "Christians" think and believe.  We got off the elevator and I was talking to my dad about logistics of our trip when I looked up and saw another woman giving me the most hateful glare I have ever, ever seen.  This time it was not shirt related as I had my sweatshirt on.  I don't know why she was looking at me that way.  I have no idea at all what possessed her to be so angry in my direction.  I tried to smile, and the fury and hate just deepened on her face.
       We experienced the pain of people on this trip:  We saw a number of "tent cities" in Canada.  And while I was glad that the dispossessed and homeless had places where they were able to set up their tents without legal harassment or worse, the sheer number of people in these tent cities was astonishing.  I was struck again and again with the cruelty of the fact that people do not care for or about other people.  We are okay with people being this poor.  We do nothing about cities that have no clean water.  We allow children to be taken from their parents.  We send people who are threatened with violence or extreme conditions at home, back to those horrible situations.  We don't see one another as connected to us, we don't understand that your poverty is my poverty and your pain is my pain.  We forget that we are interdependent on one another and we fail to treat each other with respect, love and dignity.  We accept unacceptable conditions for others.  We accept it, we make policies that enforce it, and we don't blink an eye at the intense suffering of other people.
       On our trip we went to a number of history and science places because that is what my father, in particular, likes to do.  But at each one of these the lessons were the same.  It started with the fact that we are cruel to each other.  I'll let you in on a secret.  I hate being white.  I hate it.  I hate being part of a group that has wiped out native peoples, enslaved and continues to enslave people of color, takes away the rights of those who do not look like us and then claims we are the ones being threatened.  I am sorry about the attitudes and destructive behaviors of my ancestors and people who look like me.  I am sorry for my own privilege and the ways in which I have it and use it without even being aware.  I read again and again about the destruction of this tribe, that tribe, this group of folk and that group of people, and it is my people who did this: people who look like me.  I have the rights and privileges I have because of what my people have done to others.  All I have has been earned off the backs of people who have not been given opportunities and have had their resources taken away from them at some point in time.  It breaks my heart.
      And then it went deeper.  Because we don't just destroy other people.  Every science center and museum we went to talked about the destruction of the environment.  We destroy long term growth forests.  We destroy species.  We take up their natural habitats and make it impossible for them to live.  We are causing the environmental destruction not only of the water, of the air, of the forests, but also of our weather systems.  We are destroying the world not only for ourselves but for every other living thing.  Humans are a virus: we grow beyond what the earth can support, we devour everything in our path and we even destroy our host planet.
      Every story I've shared today is about entitlement.  The boy felt entitled to risk his life on the cliff, the truck driver felt entitled to drive on the wrong side of the road, the man in the café felt entitled to yell at strangers, the host at the restaurant felt entitled to turn us away because he didn't like how we looked, the couple in the elevator felt entitled to judge and criticize every person of a group that has some people who are awful (as does every group), people feel entitled to have nice houses while others are homeless, white people have felt entitled to take the land from natives and to take other people as slaves and servants, and all people have felt entitled to using the earth for our own purposes to the point at which we are destroying her and everything on her.  The greed of humanity makes me not only wish I were not white, but frankly, wish I were not human.  I feel helpless to stop this.  But I also feel very clear that none of this is what the Divine, whatever that means to you, wants.  People are not entitled.  We are not entitled.  We are just greedy and selfish.  God does not love us more than the earth, or than other species or than other plants or than other people.  We are called to love all of it: all of the earth, all of each other, ALL.  And our inability to do so will lead to our own destruction.  Given how awful I feel humans are right now, that isn't such a tragedy to me anymore.  What is a tragedy is that we will take the planet with us when we destroy ourselves.
      I know that as a pastor I am supposed to write blogs that encourage, that support, that tell the Good News.  And I know there is Good News out there... there are people who care, there are people who are fighting and standing up for the earth, for other people, especially the poor, disenfranchised, oppressed and marginalized.  There are changes being made, although slowly. God loves all of us, and wants the best for us, even when we mess up. There is Good News.  But I will tell you the truth, I don't always feel hopeful, and it is hard to share Good News when I worry that perhaps those working for change are too few and too late. Many of us who really care feel impotent to help, to make real change. I come back from this vacation not only sad about being white, but sad about being human.  And that is real.  It may not be comfortable to hear, but it is real.
       I post this because I believe we have to start from truth.  Going forward with a Pollyannaish attitude will not help us.  We have to start with the reality of who we are as a people, as a species.  We have to start there in order to move forward with wisdom and hope.  So I speak my truth today.
         Our vacation was a good one.  But perhaps not in the way that I had hoped or intended.  It sobered me up, even more than the last year and a half have done, to the reality of who we are.  I turn over this truth to God and ask for guidance through it all.