We all know how poisonous gossip can be. We all know that it can tear apart communities, it can destroy individuals, it can irreparably damage relationships. We know this. Most of us have seen this happen to someone else if we haven't experienced it directly. Recently I have seen it doing damage again, spreading and dividing a community again, with stories and tales that contain only a seed of truth and with growing venom that has hurt relationships and individuals.
And yet, as damaging as we know it to be, there seems to be something deep in the human psyche that cannot resist passing on a juicy bit of "news" that we've heard, and something in our beings that has a hard time not embellishing and changing what we've heard... just a little... as we pass it along. What is that? Why is that?
Perhaps we are needing to process through the things that we've heard, maybe we need to say it out loud in order for it to be real for us. Maybe we are impacted by what we have heard and share it as a way to deal with our feelings. Why then do we pass on the information changed?
Perhaps we feel it won't be taken with enough seriousness if we don't make it bigger than we heard it was. Maybe we believe people will not give it the full attention it needs if we don't change it a tiny bit in the sharing.
There are cases when I think people use and manipulate gossip in order to get what they want. And I believe there are times when people use gossip as a way to hurt or damage others. But most of the time, I think people are not being mean or unkind or manipulative.
Still I think the practice of gossip gets a great deal of cultural support. People like being told news, they like being on the "in" and hearing the stories that others have to share. That's a good thing when people are sharing their own stories. But it is a very harmful thing when it comes to other people talking about and sharing stories that are not theirs to share.
Most of the time I think people are not intending to hurt others. But gossip is hurtful. And I think the only thing that will affectively put a stop to the evil of gossip is the realization that we are just as guilty as the gossiper when we choose to engage the stories, when we support the practice of gossip by eagerly listening (not just passing along, but even listening) to the tales others tell us about other people. I know it's not easy to do, but a simple, "I think I'd feel more comfortable hearing this story from the subject themself." "I'm not sure 'Jane' would want me to be hearing this from anyone but Jane herself." "I'm uncomfortable hearing this without Ed being with us." "This sounds like it's Frank's story to tell."
I realize direct confrontation around gossip is uncomfortable. Walking away, or out of a circle of gossip, may be an easier way to handle it: sending a less direct but none the less clear communication that you are uneasy with the gossip. This too can be hard, because it does communicate an unwillingness to engage a behavior our friends may be participating in. I also realize that any time we choose not to engage in the circle of gossip, we risk becoming the target of the gossip itself.
I understand all of that.
But I also know that any time we choose to do what is best for a person who is being harmed, that any time we choose to opt out of or even confront something that is harmful to another person, we are choosing to make our community a tiny bit better for someone else. And that is a deeply worth-while goal.
I can't stop reflecting on the damage that I recently witnessed done to someone who did not deserve such hurt, condemnation, exclusion or broken relationships. And I keep thinking that if even one person, early on in the situation, had stood up and said, "no" to the gossip circle, that things would have ended very differently. That is tragic to me. But it's also a call for a stronger determination to choose differently when the choices present themselves to either engage with gossip or to refuse to do so. May we all have the strength to say "no."
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