Days 17-18

     We did a short trip up to Mendocino for a couple days.  That was wonderful!  All of us who are home (so not Middle, but the other four of us) went up to see the Botanical gardens and to just BE in Mendocino.  We'd been there before, though none of us had remembered having done so until we saw the gardens.  Just incredible.  The front looks like a small garden store.  Nothing to give away the reality of the huge gardens that go all the way to the ocean which are hiding behind it.  Totally worth the 3 1/2 hour drive each way!  We then spent most of the next day just walking around Mendocino, walking along the beach, visiting the cute little shops, eating good food and just being family together.  Eldest loved it so much, they picked up a job application for the local book store.  We will see... but if they get the job, what an incredible excuse to visit more regularly!

    Pics below:  

    Today, the 20th of May, eldest turns 24... where has the time gone?  I'm so glad we have this time together before they permanently spread their wings and fly!

Days 14 & 15 - And the question: Human Being Vs. Human Doing

Tuesday we went to Filoli and the Pulgas Water Temple.  Pics:

Wednesday we visited the Sonoma Botanical Gardens.  More pics:

    In the last few days, though, the inevitable has finally descended for me: after two weeks of my three month sabbatical, I am deeply struggling with the whole idea of sabbatical. The guilt I feel at not working during this time has become overwhelming.  I hear in my head the words, "We are human beings, not human doings," but I find myself wondering if this is not a western ideal that I honestly don't subscribe to. 

    What is our point of being?  From a faith perspective I have usually argued that the point is love. It's all love.  That takes many forms: love of our neighbors means doing what we can to ensure that they have lives worth living, lives full of the same things that bring us joy.  Love of God is the same: serving the beauty of the creation that God has made by taking care of it, not exploiting it for our own uses, but being good stewards of everything we have been lent during our lives here to use for the good of all.  Love of self?  That's harder.  And what I mean by that is that we justify a lot of "self-care" that I think is exploitive of the larger world.  We say "you deserve it" and "aren't we meant to enjoy the beautiful life God has given us?"  The first of those statements is just plain problematic. The second can be twisted into justifying all kinds of things. There is value in learning to enjoy simply living in each day, without the extravagance that we seem to believe we are owed.  And we know that our cars and the airplanes we fly are doing great damage to the earth.  But we still use them to drive and to fly to other places so we can enjoy seeing and experiencing those places.  Are they better than the places at home?  I think they are just different. We value seeing and experiencing new things and I do think that other places, people and cultures can give us insight and a deeper understanding of our own.  But I've often wondered if the surface dives we do when we go other places aren't a way of skimming the top.  The deep dive into understanding requires a lot more than just a tour or visit of a place, and more than just meeting people and cultures that are "other."  It truly requires spending time and getting to know those others.  Frankly, we could do that here. We are surrounded by people of different socio-economic differences and different cultures and ethnicities.  Taking the time to get to know, for example, our unhoused neighbors, might bring us into deeper understanding and appreciation of the world we have than we know.  But that may also feel scarier as we face the fragility of our own situations.  

    So back to the question of being vs doing, or really, the question is about working vs doing things that are simply self-satisfying.  Is there room for both?  Is there room to take time to walk gardens, to see new places, to write, to pray, away from working, away from serving others?  Jesus took time away to pray.  He took 40 days or "a long time" in the wilderness.  And I guess that's what a sabbatical really is: taking that time away to refocus, to remember that we have value just because we ARE, aside from what we do.  

    But I continue to struggle with it.  As I run around visiting beautiful gardens, and soon will leave on longer trips away, I struggle with what worth my life has during those times when it is solely focused on the service of myself and my family, even if it is only for a three month period.  That is the deep challenge of this time for me.  While the other day I wrote about the challenge of doing too much each day, I am aware that for me the "busy busy" of rushing around is a way to avoid the deeper issues. It is a physical running away from the deeper questions of purpose and meaning. Today is a slower day before the pace picks back up again tomorrow.  And in that space, the loudness of the deep concern about worth rears its head.  Today I am sitting in the questions. I have no answers and will need to be okay with that today.

Days 12 (because yesterday I wrote in the morning) and 13

     So we have really launched into our visits of California gardens and began with those in Northern CA, especially those closer to home.

    Yesterday we went to Jensen Botanical Gardens in Carmichael and then went to UC Davis and walked their 3 1/2 mile loop that is surrounded by different types of gardens. This day was surprising in so many ways. The Jensen Botanical Gardens was listed as one of the gardens one MUST see if doing a "best gardens in CA" tour.  It was a nice garden, but unexpectedly small.  The UC Davis gardens weren't listed at all.  I found them by googling "gardens near Davis" and that's the only reason we found them at all.  But they were AMAZING, and expansive and just overwhelmingly beautiful.  Truly a wonderful surprise addition to our trip.  A few pics:

    Today we went to San Francisco where we visited pretty much every garden in Golden Gate park including the Conservatory of Flowers, the Shakespeare Garden, the Japanese Tea Garden, SF Botanical Gardens and Queen Wilhelmina Tulip Garden, among others.  I really love the San Francisco gardens, especially the Botanical Gardens.  My favorite part is the redwood trees area.  I could sit among the trees and just listen to the deep and calming silence for hours.

Pictures:   

    At the same time, it was too much. I've been gifted with a grant for my sabbatical. The grant application required me to put down exactly what we'd be using the money for, where, when, exact amounts, etc.  But the price of everything has gone up, so we are trying to save money where we can, including squeezing many gardens into one day to cut back on food, gas and bridge costs, if nothing else. But squeezing all SF gardens into one day meant that I was often thinking, "okay, what do we need to see before I can cross this one off the list." "What time do we need to be done in order to not spend three hours on the bridge trying to get home for the night?"  This is not the purpose of visiting these gardens. I remembered a quote from the movie A Room with a View, based on E.M. Forster's book, "We residents sometimes pity you poor tourists not a little. Handed about like parcels from Venice to Florence to Rome, unconscious of anything outside Baedeker, anxious to get done and go on elsewhere...towns, rivers, palaces, all mixed up in an inextricable whirl."  That's not how I want to spend this time. 

     I realize I'm probably beginning to sound a bit like a broken record with the mantra, "I've got to slow down" but it remains true.  So maybe the deeper question I need to ask myself is why I'm in such a hurry to see it all, to experience it all.  And I think it's the growing awareness of how short life really is.  I don't want to waste it, and I've become afraid of reaching the end before I've done everything I want to do. So with that knowledge of the source of the rushing, I need to remind myself strongly and firmly that rushing through and trying to squeeze in all the things I want to see and experience does not in fact allow me to truly experience nor see them at all.  

    Tomorrow we go to Filoli.  And that is the only garden on the list.  It will just be me and youngest.  I am looking forward to a quieter, calmer day, as well as time with my child.  I plan to do a lot of sitting and listening.

    At the same time, I have to say I've enjoyed all the walking and it's good training for the Camino... 🥰

Days 11 and 12

        I've been doing some reading about the Buddhist idea that "Attachment to desire causes suffering."  It is interesting to me because this is one of those often misquoted ideas.  It's the same as the New Testament saying "the love of money is the root of all evil."  People often forget the first part and just say "money is the root of all evil," when in fact, that is not the quote.  The same is true here.  I have heard many people say that one of the four Buddhist cornerstones is "attachment causes suffering."  But this, too, is incorrect.  It's not healthy or secure attachments that are at issue, it's the insecure attachments or the clinging or cravings that we have that lead to suffering.

    At any rate, I started that trip down the rabbit hole of exploring this important Buddhist tenet because of my frustration with electronics.  I know this has often been sort of funny, an amusing part of my journey in this lifetime that I zap electronics.  But the truth is that while it can be amusing for those around me, it honestly is extremely frustrating for me. For example, I have tried everything I know how to do to transfer the pictures off of my phone onto my more permanent laptop.  I've tried using iCloud, but the images end up teeny tiny.  I've tried plugging the phone into the laptop and using the auto picture downloader, which just comes up with "error" messages.  I've tried to open file explorer and manually move them.  Most of the files it tells me are in an "incompatible format".  For the rest, it very bizarrely will copy the file numbers of all the pictures, but they will all register as ONE photo: meaning that I will have a hundred copies of one image and none of most of the pictures. Finally, in desperation, I end up emailing myself the photos.  This, too, usually ends up with teeny tiny pictures.  We take the phone in to get fixed and are told the problem is with the laptop.  We take the laptop in to be fixed and are told it's a problem with the phone. Does it cause suffering? Well, I wouldn't go that far. But it certainly causes frustration. What's the point in having a camera on my phone if none of the images are shareable or savable?  

    So it's caused me again to do another deeper dive: what do I need to learn here?  And I think it does have to do with letting go of my attachments to certain outcomes, my attachments to specific ideas of the way things should go.  Life isn't like that, or rather my life isn't like that.  I can't dictate how things are supposed to happen.  I make plans, but truly, they never play out the way I expect, and I need to learn a deeper flexibility around this. 

    Middle calls this "Dudeism" which is apparently an official religion now.  To quote their website: "Life is short and complicated and nobody knows what to do about it. So don’t do anything about it. Just take it easy, man." For those of us who struggle with anxiety and perfectionism, this isn't easy.  But I think it comes down to a couple things: first we just need to keep breathing through whatever happens.  And second, in many ways it comes back to my own faith's call to trust.  We have to trust that even death is not the horror we fear it to be, that wherever the journey takes us there will be beauty and lessons to learn, that God will be with us in everything we do and therefore if we rest in that Love that IS God, we will find goodness and joy.  

    On the practical side, here are two pictures I managed to email to myself of more plants I put in the other day.  We are now traveling and visiting other gardens.  But I'll have to figure out another way to get some of those pictures shared.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day!

Day 9 and 10

      I don't sleep well. Ever since our children were born, I have become very sensitive to noises that might indicate that one was in need of attention. Then with our family crisis, my mind would race all the time and I could not turn it off. Now that we are in a really good place and the children are all adults and for the most part 2/3 out of the house, you'd think sleep would be easier, but my ability to sleep has never returned.  Up until this sabbatical time my mind still raced with things that needed to be done or issues that were happening both at church and at the Presbytery level. Up until now, I have still been oversensitive to noises in the house. For the first week of sabbatical, that was still the case. I hoped that with time and space, this might ease a little. But it has not. I'm still not able to sleep, still oversensitive to noises, and more, now my mind races with other thoughts, memories, questions, and concerns. 

    How I usually handle this inability to sleep has been to put in ear buds of some kind that connect to my phone or iPad and put in a movie I either know really well or have no interest in seeing: one that doesn't pull me to want to actually watch it either because I can see the scenes in my head based on the dialogue, or because I simply don't care about what's being said. The noise of dialogue then usually drowns out my own thoughts as well as the noises in the house, and distracts me enough to sleep... for a while. When the movie ends, I usually wake up and then we repeat the process all over again: try to sleep, find I can't, put in another movie, sleep for a couple more hours, repeat.  

    All that being said, I "sold" my sabbatical to the Lily grant committee that awards a certain number of clergy sabbatical grants each year by saying that I really needed some healing time. I worked throughout the time my family was dealing with crisis, then I moved to a new job and began working again. I had to: I needed to keep busy, I had to support my family, I needed to help the kids and my congregation get through their traumas.  But now there is space. My current congregation is doing well, my kids are all in college, my husband has a job he likes for the most part.  It feels like there can be a moment for me, finally, to maybe do some of the deeper work. So now, when I am awakened by memories or struggles or pain, I am stopping the "drown out" response. I am letting those memories surface, always with the question, why is this coming up for me now?  What is this thought or concern trying to tell me, teach me, or ask from me?  And always, again, where is God in this?  I am taking the time to listen: what do I need to hear?  Why now?  What is it I need to gain from this moment?

    I am learning. Today my learning is focusing on the fact that wherever you go, there you are. What I mean by that is that it doesn't really matter if I'm working at church or working in my yard or doing errands or even writing: I bring myself to each and every situation so I am going to be the same me with the same issues unless I am very conscious about doing things differently.  I am still intense, and I am still high energy, which many interpret as being "stressed" but does not always mean that I am. I still struggle with anxiety. Since that's a clinical biological thing, telling me to "just calm down" will never, ever work and usually just upsets me more.  If I could "calm down" I would have, so telling me to "just" do something I'm incapable of doing "just" makes me feel inadequate. In order to change things, I have to be very intentional. I need to take time to look at the plants and to walk in the woods. I need to take the time to do my yoga and to meditate. It's important to continue to write, which is always helpful for me. Remembering to breathe can be an extraordinary gift. This is today.  

    And here's a couple more plants I put in:

Day 7 and 8

     I have to say, I had no idea how big my yard was until I decided I could sheet mulch the big area in one day.  I have not finished, but what I did put down yesterday wiped me out. I had a few hours off from it to run some errands with David and then went back to it.  By the time I was done with everything, I was a zombie and went to bed.  Still, it feels good to accomplish as much as I did.  And my lesson in this is simply that size is all relative. If someone else had done it for me, I’m sure I would feel my yard was a reasonable Bay Area size, and absolutely fine for us, but small compared to what we had in Ohio.  But working on it myself, I feel every day that there are so many different areas that need addressing, and that the work is unending. Yesterday (and even still today) it felt huge. All the cardboard boxes we had have gone to this one area. Additionally, out of the 65 packages of mulch we purchased most are gone and the rest will be needed to deepen this area.  That’s okay.  One step at a time here, one area at a time.  

    For today then, I did basic chores in the morning: grocery store, post office, returning some items to a friend, picking up a couple plants at Lowe's.  And then I really needed a break from everything task oriented.  So I spent the rest of this afternoon at Markham park, looking at the flowers.  I love this park, and go there often to walk.  Today was different: I took the time to look at the flowers and to truly appreciate them.  It was renewing, relaxing, and truly wonderful.

Pictures: 

beginning to lay the cardboard:

Mulch added: 

Markham park:

Thank you God for this afternoon of rest and renewal!

Day 6, A Deeper Dive

     There are certain things that must be done that I find difficult to do. These are "normal" things that most people have to do at one point or another. But for all the persona I put forth that shows me to be capable, strong, hard working and always on the move; this hides the reality that there are certain basic, normal activities that are very hard for me. I have to psyche myself up for these, as well as do every other activity I can think of postponing the inevitability of getting these simple activities done. 

    So today, after pulling more weeds, pruning a few rose bushes, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the house, changing the filters in our air purifiers, going through the clothing that we need to donate, collecting old prescription medications to turn in, and making some necessary phone calls, I finally was able to push myself to get the car smog checked and then, to deal with our insurance company about certain claims that they've been trying not to pay. Even harder for me, I waited until David was done with work so he could sit next to me while I called several hotels to adjust a few of our reservations for travel in the next few weeks. Anything having to do with making trip arrangements is overwhelming for me. While I love traveling and being on vacation, the amount of stress the planning and arranging cause for me is absurdly ridiculous. 

    Once these three daunting tasks were done, I did not feel relieved. Instead, other activities that I have also put off came to mind. I need to stain the closet doors that are sitting in my garage waiting for me. I need to call a mess of different physical therapy offices to try to find one that actually has openings before we leave for Europe. These are just two of a list of about 25 "things that need to be done."  Each one feels unreasonably difficult, daunting, large, and overwhelming. Some of these will take an hour, most will take about a day, others will take months to accomplish. But as I look at my list, I'm filled with dread, depression and an almost irresistible urge to run away.  

    So, what do I need to do with this list? Some tasks need to be postponed. For example, I have had the project of converting my photos into digital versions. This is a huge project. My reasons for doing so are numerous: I don't want to have so many albums taking up room, I worry about fire (especially where we currently live) and want them in a format that is easy to grab should we have to go. But honestly, this may have to be a project for retirement, whenever that might occur. I don't have the bandwidth for this right now, and I think that needs to be okay.

    Others I may need to pay someone else to do. It's possible that this is the case with the closet door situation, as well as some other house projects such as digging the tanbark away from the side of the house (to prevent termites) and fixing the retaining wall in our back yard. 

    Still others I may need to break into small pieces. I need to put our important documents on a flash drive to put in our emergency kit (again this is a fire preparedness necessity). I can break this up: scan the most important ones one day. Make a pile of the second most important ones and take a few each day.  Even taking one paper a day would eventually get me through the pile of important papers. All I need to do is to START.  

    Some I may be able to pass on to David. While he is still working right now, this sabbatical time was supposed to be sabbath for me: not just getting done everything I've put off. We can divide some of these jobs up.  

    But I think the deeper dive is to look at why some of these particular tasks are overwhelming.  What is it about calling insurance people, for example, that I find so difficult? I'm not a fan of conflict. I don't like running up against walls of "no," I don't like feeling dismissed, unheard, or misunderstood, and I really don't like needing to duplicate or redo forms. But these things are just part of life in this country at this time. And they give me opportunities to practice being calm in the face of difficult scenarios.

    What is it about making travel plans that utterly overwhelms me? After all, for many the planning of these trips is half the fun. I fear spending money for things that never take place. Honestly, I prefer some spontaneity, but as I plan for the garden tours I'm finding that most places require that you have your tickets ahead of time with exact days and often exact times of entry.  We may not be able to find a place to stay if we don't have reservations ahead of time. But I'm all too aware that things happen, and I worry that I will have paid for tickets or hotels and then not be able to use them because something has interfered: illness, car problems, or some other unforeseen problem. I think about the trip I took with Middle to Yosemite. We paid for entry, we paid for a hotel room, and then the car broke down and we had to be towed back home. I think about our trip to Norway and our plans to visit the large group of museums in the center of Bergen. Everything we could find said the museums would be open, but the day we went, our last day in Bergen, they were all unexpectedly closed. I think about David's "quick trip" to Michigan to see his family.  He only had a four day weekend, but after he landed in Chicago following the first leg of his journey, he was informed that the second flight had been canceled, and he would not be able to get another flight for another couple days. There have been so many things that have gone wrong with our vacation plans in the past, soooo many, that I have little doubt some of the arrangements I've made will involve throwing money and time away. That waste is deeply upsetting to me. So much so that making the arrangements and putting money down for travel causes great anxiety. 

    I need to remember that what is important is not the destination but the journey. I will be with my family, whatever happens. And while there will be unexpected events, if we keep our eyes open, even if we miss what was planned, there will be something else to see, to learn, to experience. The money will be spent, but it will be what it will be. So this is my lesson for today: to trust that while there will no doubt be issues, still, in the big picture it will all be worth while.  

(sigh). Some lessons are easier to learn than others.