Day 6, A Deeper Dive

     There are certain things that must be done that I find difficult to do. These are "normal" things that most people have to do at one point or another. But for all the persona I put forth that shows me to be capable, strong, hard working and always on the move; this hides the reality that there are certain basic, normal activities that are very hard for me. I have to psyche myself up for these, as well as do every other activity I can think of postponing the inevitability of getting these simple activities done. 

    So today, after pulling more weeds, pruning a few rose bushes, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the house, changing the filters in our air purifiers, going through the clothing that we need to donate, collecting old prescription medications to turn in, and making some necessary phone calls, I finally was able to push myself to get the car smog checked and then, to deal with our insurance company about certain claims that they've been trying not to pay. Even harder for me, I waited until David was done with work so he could sit next to me while I called several hotels to adjust a few of our reservations for travel in the next few weeks. Anything having to do with making trip arrangements is overwhelming for me. While I love traveling and being on vacation, the amount of stress the planning and arranging cause for me is absurdly ridiculous. 

    Once these three daunting tasks were done, I did not feel relieved. Instead, other activities that I have also put off came to mind. I need to stain the closet doors that are sitting in my garage waiting for me. I need to call a mess of different physical therapy offices to try to find one that actually has openings before we leave for Europe. These are just two of a list of about 25 "things that need to be done."  Each one feels unreasonably difficult, daunting, large, and overwhelming. Some of these will take an hour, most will take about a day, others will take months to accomplish. But as I look at my list, I'm filled with dread, depression and an almost irresistible urge to run away.  

    So, what do I need to do with this list? Some tasks need to be postponed. For example, I have had the project of converting my photos into digital versions. This is a huge project. My reasons for doing so are numerous: I don't want to have so many albums taking up room, I worry about fire (especially where we currently live) and want them in a format that is easy to grab should we have to go. But honestly, this may have to be a project for retirement, whenever that might occur. I don't have the bandwidth for this right now, and I think that needs to be okay.

    Others I may need to pay someone else to do. It's possible that this is the case with the closet door situation, as well as some other house projects such as digging the tanbark away from the side of the house (to prevent termites) and fixing the retaining wall in our back yard. 

    Still others I may need to break into small pieces. I need to put our important documents on a flash drive to put in our emergency kit (again this is a fire preparedness necessity). I can break this up: scan the most important ones one day. Make a pile of the second most important ones and take a few each day.  Even taking one paper a day would eventually get me through the pile of important papers. All I need to do is to START.  

    Some I may be able to pass on to David. While he is still working right now, this sabbatical time was supposed to be sabbath for me: not just getting done everything I've put off. We can divide some of these jobs up.  

    But I think the deeper dive is to look at why some of these particular tasks are overwhelming.  What is it about calling insurance people, for example, that I find so difficult? I'm not a fan of conflict. I don't like running up against walls of "no," I don't like feeling dismissed, unheard, or misunderstood, and I really don't like needing to duplicate or redo forms. But these things are just part of life in this country at this time. And they give me opportunities to practice being calm in the face of difficult scenarios.

    What is it about making travel plans that utterly overwhelms me? After all, for many the planning of these trips is half the fun. I fear spending money for things that never take place. Honestly, I prefer some spontaneity, but as I plan for the garden tours I'm finding that most places require that you have your tickets ahead of time with exact days and often exact times of entry.  We may not be able to find a place to stay if we don't have reservations ahead of time. But I'm all too aware that things happen, and I worry that I will have paid for tickets or hotels and then not be able to use them because something has interfered: illness, car problems, or some other unforeseen problem. I think about the trip I took with Jonah to Yosemite. We paid for entry, we paid for a hotel room, and then the car broke down and we had to be towed back home. I think about our trip to Norway and our plans to visit the large group of museums in the center of Bergen. Everything we could find said the museums would be open, but the day we went, our last day in Bergen, they were all unexpectedly closed. I think about David's "quick trip" to Michigan to see his family.  He only had a four day weekend, but after he landed in Chicago following the first leg of his journey, he was informed that the second flight had been canceled, and he would not be able to get another flight for another couple days. There have been so many things that have gone wrong with our vacation plans in the past, soooo many, that I have little doubt some of the arrangements I've made will involve throwing money and time away. That waste is deeply upsetting to me. So much so that making the arrangements and putting money down for travel causes great anxiety. 

    I need to remember that what is important is not the destination but the journey. I will be with my family, whatever happens. And while there will be unexpected events, if we keep our eyes open, even if we miss what was planned, there will be something else to see, to learn, to experience. The money will be spent, but it will be what it will be. So this is my lesson for today: to trust that while there will no doubt be issues, still, in the big picture it will all be worth while.  

(sigh). Some lessons are easier to learn than others.