Day 9 and 10

      I don't sleep well. Ever since our children were born, I have become very sensitive to noises that might indicate that one was in need of attention. Then with our family crisis, my mind would race all the time and I could not turn it off. Now that we are in a really good place and the children are all adults and for the most part 2/3 out of the house, you'd think sleep would be easier, but my ability to sleep has never returned.  Up until this sabbatical time my mind still raced with things that needed to be done or issues that were happening both at church and at the Presbytery level. Up until now, I have still been oversensitive to noises in the house. For the first week of sabbatical, that was still the case. I hoped that with time and space, this might ease a little. But it has not. I'm still not able to sleep, still oversensitive to noises, and more, now my mind races with other thoughts, memories, questions, and concerns. 

    How I usually handle this inability to sleep has been to put in ear buds of some kind that connect to my phone or iPad and put in a movie I either know really well or have no interest in seeing: one that doesn't pull me to want to actually watch it either because I can see the scenes in my head based on the dialogue, or because I simply don't care about what's being said. The noise of dialogue then usually drowns out my own thoughts as well as the noises in the house, and distracts me enough to sleep... for a while. When the movie ends, I usually wake up and then we repeat the process all over again: try to sleep, find I can't, put in another movie, sleep for a couple more hours, repeat.  

    All that being said, I "sold" my sabbatical to the Lily grant committee that awards a certain number of clergy sabbatical grants each year by saying that I really needed some healing time. I worked throughout the time my family was dealing with crisis, then I moved to a new job and began working again. I had to: I needed to keep busy, I had to support my family, I needed to help the kids and my congregation get through their traumas.  But now there is space. My current congregation is doing well, my kids are all in college, my husband has a job he likes for the most part.  It feels like there can be a moment for me, finally, to maybe do some of the deeper work. So now, when I am awakened by memories or struggles or pain, I am stopping the "drown out" response. I am letting those memories surface, always with the question, why is this coming up for me now?  What is this thought or concern trying to tell me, teach me, or ask from me?  And always, again, where is God in this?  I am taking the time to listen: what do I need to hear?  Why now?  What is it I need to gain from this moment?

    I am learning. Today my learning is focusing on the fact that wherever you go, there you are. What I mean by that is that it doesn't really matter if I'm working at church or working in my yard or doing errands or even writing: I bring myself to each and every situation so I am going to be the same me with the same issues unless I am very conscious about doing things differently.  I am still intense, and I am still high energy, which many interpret as being "stressed" but does not always mean that I am. I still struggle with anxiety. Since that's a clinical biological thing, telling me to "just calm down" will never, ever work and usually just upsets me more.  If I could "calm down" I would have, so telling me to "just" do something I'm incapable of doing "just" makes me feel inadequate. In order to change things, I have to be very intentional. I need to take time to look at the plants and to walk in the woods. I need to take the time to do my yoga and to meditate. It's important to continue to write, which is always helpful for me. Remembering to breathe can be an extraordinary gift. This is today.  

    And here's a couple more plants I put in: