Days 14 & 15 - And the question: Human Being Vs. Human Doing

Tuesday we went to Filoli and the Pulgas Water Temple.  Pics:

Wednesday we visited the Sonoma Botanical Gardens.  More pics:

    In the last few days, though, the inevitable has finally descended for me: after two weeks of my three month sabbatical, I am deeply struggling with the whole idea of sabbatical. The guilt I feel at not working during this time has become overwhelming.  I hear in my head the words, "We are human beings, not human doings," but I find myself wondering if this is not a western ideal that I honestly don't subscribe to. 

    What is our point of being?  From a faith perspective I have usually argued that the point is love. It's all love.  That takes many forms: love of our neighbors means doing what we can to ensure that they have lives worth living, lives full of the same things that bring us joy.  Love of God is the same: serving the beauty of the creation that God has made by taking care of it, not exploiting it for our own uses, but being good stewards of everything we have been lent during our lives here to use for the good of all.  Love of self?  That's harder.  And what I mean by that is that we justify a lot of "self-care" that I think is exploitive of the larger world.  We say "you deserve it" and "aren't we meant to enjoy the beautiful life God has given us?"  The first of those statements is just plain problematic. The second can be twisted into justifying all kinds of things. There is value in learning to enjoy simply living in each day, without the extravagance that we seem to believe we are owed.  And we know that our cars and the airplanes we fly are doing great damage to the earth.  But we still use them to drive and to fly to other places so we can enjoy seeing and experiencing those places.  Are they better than the places at home?  I think they are just different. We value seeing and experiencing new things and I do think that other places, people and cultures can give us insight and a deeper understanding of our own.  But I've often wondered if the surface dives we do when we go other places aren't a way of skimming the top.  The deep dive into understanding requires a lot more than just a tour or visit of a place, and more than just meeting people and cultures that are "other."  It truly requires spending time and getting to know those others.  Frankly, we could do that here. We are surrounded by people of different socio-economic differences and different cultures and ethnicities.  Taking the time to get to know, for example, our unhoused neighbors, might bring us into deeper understanding and appreciation of the world we have than we know.  But that may also feel scarier as we face the fragility of our own situations.  

    So back to the question of being vs doing, or really, the question is about working vs doing things that are simply self-satisfying.  Is there room for both?  Is there room to take time to walk gardens, to see new places, to write, to pray, away from working, away from serving others?  Jesus took time away to pray.  He took 40 days or "a long time" in the wilderness.  And I guess that's what a sabbatical really is: taking that time away to refocus, to remember that we have value just because we ARE, aside from what we do.  

    But I continue to struggle with it.  As I run around visiting beautiful gardens, and soon will leave on longer trips away, I struggle with what worth my life has during those times when it is solely focused on the service of myself and my family, even if it is only for a three month period.  That is the deep challenge of this time for me.  While the other day I wrote about the challenge of doing too much each day, I am aware that for me the "busy busy" of rushing around is a way to avoid the deeper issues. It is a physical running away from the deeper questions of purpose and meaning. Today is a slower day before the pace picks back up again tomorrow.  And in that space, the loudness of the deep concern about worth rears its head.  Today I am sitting in the questions. I have no answers and will need to be okay with that today.