Days 4 and 5

    Yesterday it rained most of the day.  I was able, still, to put in a couple plants, and I took the opportunity to learn about propogating roses, verbena and corral bells since, again, this is becoming expensive. I've tried with a couple roses, and we will have to see how that plays out. 

    Towards a different part of the sabbatical, I also worked with a physical therapist a bit yesterday on how to tape my knee and toe so that I'm able to walk the camino with my son. We will see... I'm doing everything I know how to do so that our walk can actually happen with the least amount of pain.  

    The rest of the day I ran a bunch of errands, trying to work through the long list of needs that have been postponed because of a busy work schedule. And at the end of the day, I tried to honor David's desire for a "May the 4th be with you" Star Wars marathon. Not my favorite activity... I become very restless when sitting for a period of time. We focused on episodes IV-VI which are still fun to me. Actually, I don't have the same issues with episode I that others do, but I can't stand to watch II and III, for numerous reasons I don't need to expand on here. And I've never gotten into VII-IX. I know some of you (including David) would see that as heretical, but there it is.  

    This morning I was back at it. I'm still waiting for my huge order of mulch so I can do some sheet mulching in areas where crab grass has taken over. In the meantime, it's all hand pulling of weeds, which I do enjoy, though it's labor intensive and I won't be able to keep that up when we begin our travelling. That will happen as soon as Youngest is home, which is in another 5 days (not that I'm counting).

    Here are some pictures of the new plants in the garden today as well as the roses I'm trying to propogate.  

Lessons from today:

       First, I loved learning about propogating plants. But I'm also aware that we pay for our gardens in one way or another. We either pay with money or we pay with time. It will take time for these plants that I'm trying to propogate to actually grow enough to plant and then more time for them to become full plants once they are in the garden. I'm happy to take the time for now, but I don't always have it to spare. Decisions, then, will need to be made. Which do I value more?  The time or the money? Usually it's the time. This is also true when it comes to mulch. I've heard several people suggest that when I see a tree person chopping down or shredding the remains of a tree, that I could ask them for the mulch they create.  "It's free" they tell me, as opposed to purchasing mass quantities of mulch.  Yes, but that means having the time and being out when a tree trimmer is around. It means taking the time to approach them and ask for their mulch. It means knowing what I'm asking for, and planning for it.  So far, I have never been outside when a tree trimmer is in the area.  I haven't seen any to ask for their mulch. Again, a matter of time versus money.    

    Second, I seem to regularly do things in the wrong order in terms of my garden. I painstakingly put in the pathway several years ago.  It took a great deal of time, intentionality and effort.  But after two years I then decided I needed a sprinkler system in the garden areas. In having that put in, the pathway was ruined, and had to be redone.  The recommended order for sheet mulching is that you plant your trees, then do the sheet mulching, and then add in smaller plants.  But since I don't have the mulch yet, I've planted many of my smaller plants and will attempt to sheet-mulch around them, which may end up being very problematic.  At the same time, many of the smaller plants I've put into that larger section, including verbena and myoporum are supposed to be trailing plants which will put down roots as they expand, and I don't want to get in their way with the sheet mulching. There are several lessons here for me.  One is patience. I need to have the patience to gain clarity about what I want so that I can think through what should happen in what order.  I also need the patience to wait for things like mulch to arrive before picking out plants. But another lesson for me in this is self-forgiveness. I am still, in so many ways, a novice to gardening. That means I will make mistakes. I go to the garden store to purchase one thing, and then see a plant I love, or talk to one of the workers who recommends a different plant.  I end up buying those almost as experiments with the hope that they will work in my garden, and will fill in under the trees or in different areas. Also, I'm trying to translate my own "mistakes" into "opportunities for growing and learning." 

    And God? God is present in the calming gifts of being in my garden, playing in the dirt.  I have a swing in the yard that I would like to be able to sit in to enjoy what is being created.  At this point sitting in the swing means looking out and noticing where there are still weeds that need pulling.  As I said, I don't sit well, so usually that means bopping up sooner rather than later to pull said weeds.  That's okay, but I look forward to the time of actual rest. So far I have just traded the busyness of my job for the busyness of trying to fix up my garden. Soon I will trade all of that for the busyness of travel.  I need to be intentional, then, about finding those times of rest, of sitting, of reflecting. 

Soon...    

Day 3

     I've been mostly focusing on the back yard.  It's a retreat for me, a place to sit and think as well as to plant and garden. That being said, today I did some weed pulling and planted a couple more lantana in the front. The front needs a great deal of work, and honestly, I'm thinking it needs a "back to basics" approach of really planning and thinking through how I want it to be.  There is a rock "necklace" that goes around a big dirt area.  But the rocks are now infested with weeds and will need to either be completely pulled out and redone, or I need to figure out something different to do in that area... perhaps another walking path like I've put in the back.   

    In the mean time I've tried to make a lantana section in the dirt part.  It's a drought resistant/heat resistant plant as well as very pretty, which is why I planted these. However, I'm not having great success with the lantana.  I think it may be because they are full sun plants and the big tree in the front of my yard is shading these plants too much. I may need to hire someone to work on our trees a bit... this one in particular wants to take over the world, and may need a little pruning to encourage it to remember its limitations (ha!).

    At any rate, here are a few pictures of the front

Before: 

After:

    It's honestly hard to see the difference in these photos, but the amount of weeds I pulled filled our green bin entirely. And there are two new lantanas, which in the "before" picture are still in pots and are now in the ground.  I plan to do some sheet mulching around them, but I'm waiting on the mulch to arrive. 

    I also planted more in the back yard. The plants are expensive (as is the mulch I ordered!), so I've been thinking about which plants I already have that I might be able to divide and then plant in other places.  I'll save more pictures of the back yard for tomorrow.  

    The rest of today I am spending with eldest child.  We walk, we talk, we eat... it's all good. Fridays are usually my day off and I try to set aside time for eldest on those days. But almost every Friday something comes up that prevents us having the time we really need. Today was good. It was important to reconnect.

    Today's lesson?  There were several.  First, one of my parishioners lives in my neighborhood and I saw him walk by with his dog.  I tried to call him, he waved but didn't stop. I think he's respecting that I'm on sabbatical, but I found myself feeling sad. While I need this time away to not work for a spell, I also don't want that to damage or cut off relationships, and that includes with parishioners. So what does that mean?  Well, it means I don't want us to ignore each other if we pass each other.  I don't want to feel isolated or alienated. The question is how to do that while still getting some distance from work.  I honestly don't know how, and this will be a lesson I need to learn. This sabbatical thing is weird, and I'm still trying to get a handle on it.

    Second, I've not been sleeping well. Last night my mind was whirring with thoughts and concerns about Presbytery, about the physical therapy I need to be doing for my knee and foot (though I can't find anyone with whom there are appointment openings. No one is open until June, which is too late since we will be out of the country. So frustrating and what a commentary again on our medical system!!), and of course about the church and my work. As a result, when I finally did fall asleep, it meant I slept in to 8am. I can't remember the last time I didn't get up until 8.  I usually am up now around 5:30, so this is a huge shift. But it also felt really good to let my own body's rhythms assert themselves and decide the schedule, without the electronic alarm being the ultimate authority. 

    Third, as I worked on my front yard, I thought about the fact that I've always considered that a "full sun" area when in fact, because of the big tree, it is anything BUT full sun. It reminded me of a situation one of my pastor friends recently shared with me. She said her congregation has held on to a strong mythology that the church is not growing and that people who come to visit never return. The truth is quite the opposite: though it is a very small church, they just had almost a dozen new members join, increasing church membership by almost 15%.  Once people believe something, it can be very difficult to dissuade them from those beliefs. Facts contrary to beliefs will be ignored, discounted, or explained away.  As I work in my yard, I am getting to know it better.  I am learning what areas are full sun and what areas get a lot more shade than I realized. I am adjusting, either by pruning back the big trees or by choosing different plants to go into specific areas. Also, I'm realizing that as plants grow, the areas change. What used to be full-sun, no longer is because of the trees that have come to shade those areas. Being willing to learn, each day, what is new, what is different can apply to people as well. What we knew of someone ten years ago may no longer be true today.  What we knew of groups ten years ago may no longer be true today.  But sometimes we almost force people and situations to stay the same by refusing to see the changes that are happening. It benefits no one and nothing. Today I am working to keep my eyes open.

    And God? I see God in the learning, in the plants, in the time with eldest and in the beauty of this spring day.  

Day 2

 Pictures to show what is happening.

Before:

As of today:

Tomorrow there will be more...

The garden requires a lot of work.  The "before" pictures are a couple weeks ago. I tried to take a few "before" pictures today, but my phone ate them.  I also had more "after" pictures: these were eaten in the transfer to my computer.  

I had more "before" pictures from when the garden was an absolute mess only 5 months ago.  Those too were eated by my computer/phone.  None of this should be a surprise to any of you who know me and my isues with electronics... still a bit frustrating.

But looking at the above pictures from a few weeks ago, I see that, unfortunately, many of the areas I had so carefully weeded have once again become overrun with weeds. The second "after" picture shows an area I tackled today and then I planted a ground cover myoporum that should spread. I have a second one to plant tomorrow. I also planted 5 other plants, but again, no pictures to show. The planter boxes are new and there are more new plants ready to go in the ground as well.  

I find deep joy in helping and watching things grow. The blossoms of the flowers, some of which are now becoming fruit, is an incredible gift to watch, and even more so to participate in by upturning the soil, adding potting soil and fertilizer, watering and planting. I also admire the tenacity of the weeds. I find myself in conversations with them, "Your love of life, your commitment to living and spreading have my great respect. At the same time, you were not invited to this particular party.  You will harm the plants that bring us joy and beauty, so you will need to move out now and find another place to grow. Thank you for your living, and for your letting go of the dirt as I pull or hoe, so that other plants might thrive in this space." The weeds have life, too, and I believe all life should be treated with respect.  

Which brings me to answer my two questions for today.  Where did I see God today? And what did I learn/ where is God leading?  

1.  In some ways the camera and photo app not working on my phone could be seen as a gift: it invites me to stay in the moment, to do what I can do each day and not try to force the process to move more quickly than it will.

2.  I know not all that I plant will succeed, but that's okay.  I will do my best to care for each plant and be accepting of what does not change and adapt well to being planted in my yard.

3.  For two days now I've spent only about 3 hours a day in the garden.  It quickly gets too hot, and I'm still nursing my knee and foot a bit.  Taking my time with it, doing other things, or just resting has also been a gift.

4.  It has been a challenge to be present with what I'm doing today.  My mind slips back to church and Presbytery.  I may write more about that tomorrow.  For today, I'm trying to be gentle with the thoughts, hopes, memories and concerns that arise.

5.  Finally, spending time focusing on the value of the weeds, their lives, even as they lose them, has helped me to remember the interdependence of all life, and the importance of honoring and remembering those whose life ends, even if we only name them to be weeds.

God is in it all, gently nudging me forward to tomorrow.      

Day 1

     Today was my first day of Sabbatical.  Since my focus for this time is gardens and gardening, I spent much of the day pulling weeds, planting a few plants, planning for more, ordering mass quantities of mulch and visiting the plant store where I picked up some other plants for my garden.  I'm already sun-burnt, a gentle reminder that sun protection is essential for this light skinned woman who has skin cancer issues. 

    I thought about what I want out of this time.  As I mentioned on Sunday, I plan to do some pruning, both internally and externally. My focus is on healing, rest, re-grounding in God, and the deep digging in the dirt necessary to come back to my pastor job with greater intentionality and more grounding at the end of my sabbatical.

    At the end of each day, then, I will ask myself two questions: where did I see God and what did I learn today: or where did I experience God's leading.

    Monday I had lunch with a friend who said that sometimes pastors can get so caught up in trying to lead others to understand and deepen in their relationships with God that they neglect their own relationships with God. Tuesday in my lectionary group I heard something similar. I felt that was an important message, reminding me that this time really needs to be about that relationship. I've been working on my book about the trauma our family lived through and found a bit of envy for that time when God felt so close. It is easier to turn to God when we need help. It can be harder in the day to day busyness and living.  

    So as I "played in my yard" today (which is how I understand gardening), I took each breath as an invitation to hear at a deeper level. I don't know very much about gardening and I really wish I knew more. But I have time now to do some learning. I remembered that things we try that are fairly new to us will involve making mistakes. And that sometimes we have to try things to see what works, what fits.  I bought a few plants I know nothing about but that the plant store said would work well in the places I want to plant them.  We will see.  I don't really have a green thumb, though I love plants so much. I need to be forgiving when it doesn't work out as I planned, and flexible with the soil issues. I can be a lazy gardener in that I want to do it all the easiest way possible, which often ends up leading to more work as I then have mistakes and issues to constantly address. 

    I saw God in the beautiful and diverse way that life manifests in all these different plants. I found great joy in the plants I planted that have not only survived, but thrived in our yard.  As I looked at my apricot tree that is so heavy with fruit the limbs are bowing, and at the verbena, which has taken over a part of my yard and filled it with beautiful purple flowers, I delighted in what God can do if we just plant the seeds in the right soil with a little water, sun and love.  

    Today was a wonderful day.  I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring.  

It's time...

          I am in a season of transition.  And it is time.

          It is time for me to go on Sabbatical, to have space for myself, to step out of serving a congregation for a few months, to step away from the intensity of raising children (they are now all in college).  It is time for me to carve out space for rest, renewal, prayer and reflection.  

          It is also time for me to work through some of the traumas of the past that have not had space to be dealt with in depth. Some of these are presenting themselves now in a way that is gently calling me to pay attention and to learn the lessons that were present in those events. It is time to be intentional in healing, imagining, and reconnecting with God.

          It is time for me to begin writing again regularly. COVID shut me down in terms of my writing.  I've continued to work on my book, but that work at this time is strictly editing and is less a creative endeavor than a reviewing experience. It is time to start writing again, and to listen for where I'm being led in terms of using my voice.

          It is time for me to build my garden. I mean that literally, as the focus on my Sabbatical is garden centered.  But I also mean it metaphorically. I will be digging in the dirt of my life, planting seeds for flowers and trees to grow from the mud and silt, hoeing up the weeds that have infested and taken over areas that need rototilling, churning up the worms that help provide needed nutrients and rooting out the pests that are destructive. 

         It is time for me to move my feet forward. I will be walking part of the Camino de Santiago with my son for a couple weeks: doing the work of talking, listening, and actively moving forward in place, time, space and in the inner steps of spiritual pilgrimage.

          It is time for me to breathe, deeply.  For those who are interested, I will take you along on my journeys of Sabbatical through my writing once more.  I invite you to join me for the journey.  

Season of Change

           Last week I wrote a letter for our church newsletter that focused on the nature of change.  I want to include part of what I wrote here, but take it a step further.  

          Every change involves grief.  Even good changes mean there is loss: something that was is now no longer and we have moved into something that is different from what was before.  While some of these changes are easier to get through than others, they all invite us into a process where we can either grow or stagnate, learn and develop or become angry and bitter.  When we try to skirt around the feelings of grief that change brings, usually it ends up hurting us in the end: we are not as able to truly move forward, to grow through the healing process, or to do the inner work required to become the whole people God calls us to be.  

          As I write this, I am preparing to go on Sabbatical.  This is a joyous time: both for me and for my congregation.  For me, I will have intentional and extended time off.  I don’t believe I’ve ever had a vacation or even a day off that was completely free from work in my years serving as a pastor.  There have always been phone calls, texts, emails that need my attention and I’ve been happy to give it.  I love my work and that call has shown me that my work has been valued and appreciated.  At the same time, I am tired and taking a true step away for a few months will be different for me. I will be turning off my computer for these months, stepping away from phone calls and texts.  For much of the time I will be out of the country and unable to receive contact of any kind, but even while I am in the country, a sabbatical requires a stepping away, a silencing of these modes of contact. That will be new for me, but in 28 years of ministry, I’m hoping it will be a time of spiritual renewal.  Jesus modelled stepping away to pray and to regroup and I am trying to learn from his example as I take this time apart.

For my congregation, they will have the experience of a wonderful woman coming to fill in for me who is a colleague, friend and mentor whom I'm hoping will be able to lead them in a different way for a few months.  She will bring different visions, different insight and will be able to lead and walk with the congregation in new ways.  These are all good things.  I will return in August and that will also be a good thing: I hope to come back with renewed energy and vision and I look forward to hearing what my congregation has learned during my time away. 

               But I also need to name, as I began, that every change involves grief.  Grief can include feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety.  While my hope is that these feelings will be minimal for my congregants, I can honestly say that they are rising steadily for me.  I worry about life transitions that I may not be here to support or to walk through. I wonder what my parishioners feel and how they will move through this time. Personally, I worry how it will be for me to not be defined by my ministry.  I have anxiety about the transition back when I return in August.  

            Our session (executive council) for our congregation met yesterday.  We are reading together a book about family and church systems and the chapter we read for yesterday discussed how the anxiety of grief can cause people to "act out."  I feel called to name that despite my understanding this to be true, it is still the case that I find my anxiety causing me to behave differently than I would choose. Today I was snippy and unusually direct with a congregant about something that had hurt someone I love.  Normally I would step back, take a breath before reacting, and be able to be more pastoral in my response.  But today I acted from that reactive anxious place.  I apologized, and fortunately was able to see it for what it was: a reaction based in anxiety and the grief of change.  Even more fortunately for me, he was also able to see that as well and so did not take it personally.  Still, my own behavior was a call to pay attention, and to breathe more deeply through the next couple weeks as I prepare to go.  

            As with all transitions, this is an invitational time for me to pay attention.  As with all feelings, the anxiety calls us to listen and to be honest in our feelings.  But once again, God did not leave me alone in my anxiety.  In the middle of today's drama, I received a phone call from someone I haven't spoken to in nine years.  It was a delightful and unexpected "catch up" conversation with a parishioner from my last congregation. I left the call with several gifts.  

         First, it was a reminder to me that even if I were not returning (and I am returning!!), there would be people who had valued my time here.  I do not need to be anxious that my presence has been unvalued or unimportant.  Even parishioners who experienced me for a much shorter time and during an unusually dramatic and difficult time value what I had to give.  

       Second, it was a reminder that even when we are apart from one another, we remain connected.  Our hearts, our experiences together, our walks together matter.  They continue to be part of who we are even when we are separate.   

      Finally, and always, it was a reminder that God never leaves us alone. At the moment when I most needed reassurance and comfort, I was given the gift of this re-connection.  The ways in which God binds us to one another and is the glue, the love, the communion in community is so important and essential.  And for all of that I am deeply grateful.

     During this season of change I am striving to walk with my eyes open.  I will make mistakes.  But none of us are alone, and with love and intentionality we will walk through the struggles to emerge in a better place on the other side.  Thanks be to God.

Thieves and Scammers

  For Christmas this year, we received a number of gift cards.  Almost all had been purchased at Safeways around the country, and all of them had been tampered with.  All had already been used, all had been “scammed” in that someone had gone into the store, scanned the numbers on the cards, put them back into the envelopes so that once they were “activated” they were picked up immediately and put into someone else’s account.  The amount of money lost in this way to us personally ended up being around $500.  That was just in our own family.  I wonder how many other people lost money in this way, and I wonder how much money others were able to obtain by “stealing” these gift cards in this way.

Then, after Christmas, we ordered some supplies from Walmart using a bonus card David had received from his work.  (We don’t usually buy from Walmart, but again, this was a card we were given). This card was delivered digitally and so it “worked” for us in that we were able to order the supplies using the card to pay for them.  However, we received a notification that they had been delivered to our house at a specific time, and they never were. The total spent was about $100.  Fortunately, we now have REO cameras installed and we could see that no one had stolen anything from our porch: these items were simply not delivered, despite the company saying they were.  My guess is that these were stolen by the delivery person, though it is possible that they were delivered to the wrong address.  Either way, when we have packages wrongly delivered to us, we take them to the right address.  The fact that this never happened makes it clear that someone took something that was not theirs at some point in the process of delivery.  On another note, we tried to follow through with Walmart as well as the gift card companies.  David spent probably 10 hours on this, but Walmart made it impossible to contact them or to file a complaint. We still tried, not that this will make any difference.  Walmart is a billion-dollar company who does not care about the little amount we lost and will suffer no consequences for failing to make it right. (This is just one of the many reasons we don’t normally shop there!)   

I have several thoughts about all of this.  The first is that scammers and thieves seem to be more numerous than ever, at least in the United States, at this point in time.  Why?  Perhaps it is the general depression, anxiety and despair that so many are feeling that leads them to stop caring about morality or doing what’s right.  Perhaps it is the rising hatred and anger that is also leading to these choices.  Perhaps it is the huge increase in poverty that we are experiencing, the swallowing up of the middle class as the rich become richer and more greedy. Maybe it is that it is so easy to steal in these ways, and there is little consequence to doing so.  It is difficult to find those who have stolen packages, and the police generally won’t waste their time on small thefts or small vandalisms, even as they add up.  We know this because our church has had a number of thefts as well as vandalism lately and the police have admitted that they will not act until the amount stolen or the damage done in each instance is over $1000.   Whatever the cause, if you plan to give gifts this year, I’d encourage you to think through how you choose to do that, considering ways your gifts might be scammed and perhaps choosing the old-fashioned route of purchasing the gift itself and delivering it directly to the recipients.

My second thought was to remind myself that while we “lost” a total of about $600, that all of it was from gifts, things we did not earn, things we did not save for, money that was not expected or needed.  We have enough.  We have always had enough.  My own theology says that nothing we own is ours, anyway.  All of it is lent to us by God to use for the good of all people.  And while it is not ideal that it is scammers who took the money and the items we ordered, perhaps they are people who needed those resources.  I don’t know, and I never will.  The point is that this is something I need to let go of.  The things we received that didn’t work and the things we didn’t receive were gifts.  And it is the energy and care that went into the choosing of gifts and the giving of gifts that matters, not the receiving of more things that we don’t need anyway.

My final thought is that I feel like our lack of connection to others is also a huge part of the issue.  We have forgotten that we belong to one another, that we are deeply connected, that we are all children of God and as such siblings to one another, and that what effects one of us, at some deep level effects all of us.  The more that we can practice our connectionality and the more we can be kind to one another, even those who are very different from us, even those who we don’t necessarily agree with or like, the more we can change the world for the better.  Also, it is harder to scam people when you have come to care about them. I am reminded that it is my job to get to know those people I don’t usually interact with, including delivery people and the shady people I might see in the grocery store.  It is my job to get to know the unhoused persons who are damaging our church, to talk to them and find out their stories.  It is my job to tear down the walls that protect me from others and to reach across them to make connections instead.  This is our job as human beings.  It might not make a difference today, it might not change the number of scammers who are out there tomorrow.  But I have to believe that each effort for good that we choose matters in the world, and that all our efforts for good can add up, just as all the efforts that do damage have been adding up as of late.  It has to start with me.  It has to start with you.  And it has to start today.