Getting ready to go...

      The few days that we've been home have been... well, they've been a lot.  Not only did it take the eight hours to move pictures from my phone to my computer, but my computer eventually crashed and David had to reformat and rebuild it, meaning I've needed to then put everything back on it. The transferring of photos, this side of the rebuild, continues to be a problem, but the rest seems better, at least for now. Then, on David's car (the I3), the door stopped latching and would not close. We took it in and were told that, though the car itself is now only worth about 6K because of age, it would cost us 5K to have it fixed.  Obviously, makes no sense.  So we are now a two car family for the five of us. It's ironic: we have had every expectation for a while now that the Mazda and/or the Camry would die.  Both are quite old and truly on their last legs.  The I3?  It's a 2016, which for us is a "new" car.  It never occurred to us that it would have an issue which would make it no longer worth fixing.  I think being down to two cars will be fine: Jonah and Aislynn are usually in school, David works from home, Jasmyn is in on-line grad school and my work is close enough to home that we probably don't need more than two cars. Still, taking the car in, having it assessed, cleaning it out, selling it back to BMW (for a pittance, since it is broken, after all) took time. Then both Aislynn and Jasmyn had doctor's appointments for various issues, which meant blood needed to be taken from young adults who have serious needle phobias and for whom the taking of blood is very traumatic. They needed me with them, therefore, something I wanted to do anyway.  My own issues with my knee and toe have also meant doctor's visits, more X-rays, filling of prescriptions, and more. The cat who has thyroid issues also needed rechecking and obtaining more medication. We are needing to take out a loan, and the paperwork has yet to be signed, though we leave tomorrow.  This has involved many phone calls and trying to push things forward.  I've realized I need a couple important items for our trip: the Camino part of it, in particular, and have been running around to different stores trying to obtain them.  All of this is in addition to packing, trying to figure out how to take the needed things for various different parts of the trip while still having room for David to bring home some of Jonah's things from Norway so Jonah and I can walk the Camino with minimal "stuff."  There is more... some of which is very personal to family members that I cannot share, as well as the normal living activities of grocery shopping, paying bills, showing the kids what will need to be done around the house while we are gone...  Needless to say, it's been exhausting and overwhelming.  

       I have found myself wondering how we usually get everything done when I am working full time. I suppose everything would be spread out more. We wouldn't be as rushed in terms of the loan or emptying and selling the car, or getting all of us through our doctors appointments, for example.  But in a weird way I'm looking forward to the trip just so things can slow down.  

      Still, add to this that I am an anxious traveler.  My mind fills with the possible problems: what if a flight is delayed so we can't catch the connection?  What if there's an accident and we are unable to get where we need to be for each part of the trip?

    Once again, I'm being pushed to look at and stay with what really matters. Time with the kids matters. Space to just be matters. Being in the garden with the plants matters. Mostly, just being in the moment matters. If problems happen during our travels (and no doubt they will: nothing ever goes completely as planned), then we will have an adventure. We will figure it out and no doubt learn some things. If we end up in Europe without something we need, we will probably be able to buy it there, or if not, we will learn to live for a time without it. We will be on a journey.  And in the meantime, I need to just breathe deeply and be present with my beautiful young adult children before we leave. 

And just because...

    

Week Four

     As per the detailed outline I put into the sabbatical grant application, I took Jasmyn and Aislynn on a longer garden tour of CA this last week, most of it in Southern California.

    We visited Santa Barbara Botanical Garden, Descanso Gardens in LA, Huntington gardens, library and art museums, California Botanical Gardens, Fullerton Arboretum, San Diego Botanical Gardens, Balboa Park with all of its gardens, the San Diego Zoo (which in itself is also a botanical garden), and finally drove to Monterey from San Diego and went to the aquarium.  I loved all of them, each in its own way.  Huntington was amazing and expansive, I valued the native CA plants in the botanical gardens, the Fullerton arboretum with its beautiful trees was a place of true serenity and peace, and the zoo was such an incredible place that we ended up spending 9 hours there!  Still, I think Descanso was all of our favorite.  Ironically, it was the only garden we hadn't planned ahead of time to visit.  It came up as I was scrolling through local gardens when we were in LA and decided to try it out.  It was amazing.  It started off with a gift as well.  Jasmyn was wearing their Mount Holyoke sweatshirt, and the woman who was selling tickets for entry saw it.  She said she, too, was a Mount Holyoke alum, and she gave us free entry just because that's the kind of community the alum of Mount Holyoke share.  

    Many gifts came from this time including a lot of laughter, silliness and singing with the two of my adult children, unexpected kindnesses from strangers, and opportunities for good conversation and food as well.  We were listening to a book on tape as we drove about octopuses (we learned "octopi" is not the correct plural) that was moving as well as educational. Of course the best part of the trip was the time with my kids.  And the secondary gift was the incredible beauty of all the gardens. I ended up walking Balboa park gardens and Fullerton arboretum by myself: A and J were just too worn out.  But there were gifts in that as well.  I love trees, especially redwood trees and to have some quiet time by myself provided unexpected quiet alone time.  I connected with some birds and other animals as well who seemed as interested in me as I was in them. I have more to say, but frankly, I'm a bit worn out.  I hope to have more opportunity to write over the next couple days, though I will also be packing for 6 weeks in Europe.  

    Unfortunately, I'm still having trouble with my photos, and ended up spending over 8 hours trying to get my photos from my phone to my computer.  Since the memory space in my phone demands I move the photos off the phone so I have room to take more, it was a discouraging experience.  The videos I took at the zoo, in particular, appear to be completely lost: as long as I keep them on my phone, I can see them, but I can't move them with any success. Still, that's definitely a problem of privilege.  David and I leave Saturday for Europe and I'm considering that maybe the whole photo problem is an invitation to put down the phone and actually just BE on the trip.  I can let David be the photographer, and then Jonah when I walk part of the Camino with him.  I will try, none the less, to include a few here.  Blessings on your week!

    

Days 17-18

     We did a short trip up to Mendocino for a couple days.  That was wonderful!  All of us who are home (so not Jonah, but the other four of us) went up to see the Botanical gardens and to just BE in Mendocino.  We'd been there before, though none of us had remembered having done so until we saw the gardens.  Just incredible.  The front looks like a small garden store.  Nothing to give away the reality of the huge gardens that go all the way to the ocean which are hiding behind it.  Totally worth the 3 1/2 hour drive each way!  We then spent most of the next day just walking around Mendocino, walking along the beach, visiting the cute little shops, eating good food and just being family together.  Jasmyn loved it so much, they picked up a job application for the local book store.  We will see... but if they get the job, what an incredible excuse to visit more regularly!

    Pics below:  

    Today, the 20th of May, eldest turns 24... where has the time gone?  I'm so glad we have this time together before they permanently spread their wings and fly!

Days 14 & 15 - And the question: Human Being Vs. Human Doing

Tuesday we went to Filoli and the Pulgas Water Temple.  Pics:

Wednesday we visited the Sonoma Botanical Gardens.  More pics:

    In the last few days, though, the inevitable has finally descended for me: after two weeks of my three month sabbatical, I am deeply struggling with the whole idea of sabbatical. The guilt I feel at not working during this time has become overwhelming.  I hear in my head the words, "We are human beings, not human doings," but I find myself wondering if this is not a western ideal that I honestly don't subscribe to. 

    What is our point of being?  From a faith perspective I have usually argued that the point is love. It's all love.  That takes many forms: love of our neighbors means doing what we can to ensure that they have lives worth living, lives full of the same things that bring us joy.  Love of God is the same: serving the beauty of the creation that God has made by taking care of it, not exploiting it for our own uses, but being good stewards of everything we have been lent during our lives here to use for the good of all.  Love of self?  That's harder.  And what I mean by that is that we justify a lot of "self-care" that I think is exploitive of the larger world.  We say "you deserve it" and "aren't we meant to enjoy the beautiful life God has given us?"  The first of those statements is just plain problematic. The second can be twisted into justifying all kinds of things. There is value in learning to enjoy simply living in each day, without the extravagance that we seem to believe we are owed.  And we know that our cars and the airplanes we fly are doing great damage to the earth.  But we still use them to drive and to fly to other places so we can enjoy seeing and experiencing those places.  Are they better than the places at home?  I think they are just different. We value seeing and experiencing new things and I do think that other places, people and cultures can give us insight and a deeper understanding of our own.  But I've often wondered if the surface dives we do when we go other places aren't a way of skimming the top.  The deep dive into understanding requires a lot more than just a tour or visit of a place, and more than just meeting people and cultures that are "other."  It truly requires spending time and getting to know those others.  Frankly, we could do that here. We are surrounded by people of different socio-economic differences and different cultures and ethnicities.  Taking the time to get to know, for example, our unhoused neighbors, might bring us into deeper understanding and appreciation of the world we have than we know.  But that may also feel scarier as we face the fragility of our own situations.  

    So back to the question of being vs doing, or really, the question is about working vs doing things that are simply self-satisfying.  Is there room for both?  Is there room to take time to walk gardens, to see new places, to write, to pray, away from working, away from serving others?  Jesus took time away to pray.  He took 40 days or "a long time" in the wilderness.  And I guess that's what a sabbatical really is: taking that time away to refocus, to remember that we have value just because we ARE, aside from what we do.  

    But I continue to struggle with it.  As I run around visiting beautiful gardens, and soon will leave on longer trips away, I struggle with what worth my life has during those times when it is solely focused on the service of myself and my family, even if it is only for a three month period.  That is the deep challenge of this time for me.  While the other day I wrote about the challenge of doing too much each day, I am aware that for me the "busy busy" of rushing around is a way to avoid the deeper issues. It is a physical running away from the deeper questions of purpose and meaning. Today is a slower day before the pace picks back up again tomorrow.  And in that space, the loudness of the deep concern about worth rears its head.  Today I am sitting in the questions. I have no answers and will need to be okay with that today.

Days 12 (because yesterday I wrote in the morning) and 13

     So we have really launched into our visits of California gardens and began with those in Northern CA, especially those closer to home.

    Yesterday we went to Jensen Botanical Gardens in Carmichael and then went to UC Davis and walked their 3 1/2 mile loop that is surrounded by different types of gardens. This day was surprising in so many ways. The Jensen Botanical Gardens was listed as one of the gardens one MUST see if doing a "best gardens in CA" tour.  It was a nice garden, but unexpectedly small.  The UC Davis gardens weren't listed at all.  I found them by googling "gardens near Davis" and that's the only reason we found them at all.  But they were AMAZING, and expansive and just overwhelmingly beautiful.  Truly a wonderful surprise addition to our trip.  A few pics:

    Today we went to San Francisco where we visited pretty much every garden in Golden Gate park including the Conservatory of Flowers, the Shakespeare Garden, the Japanese Tea Garden, SF Botanical Gardens and Queen Wilhelmina Tulip Garden, among others.  I really love the San Francisco gardens, especially the Botanical Gardens.  My favorite part is the redwood trees area.  I could sit among the trees and just listen to the deep and calming silence for hours.

Pictures:   

    At the same time, it was too much. I've been gifted with a grant for my sabbatical. The grant application required me to put down exactly what we'd be using the money for, where, when, exact amounts, etc.  But the price of everything has gone up, so we are trying to save money where we can, including squeezing many gardens into one day to cut back on food, gas and bridge costs, if nothing else. But squeezing all SF gardens into one day meant that I was often thinking, "okay, what do we need to see before I can cross this one off the list." "What time do we need to be done in order to not spend three hours on the bridge trying to get home for the night?"  This is not the purpose of visiting these gardens. I remembered a quote from the movie A Room with a View, based on E.M. Forster's book, "We residents sometimes pity you poor tourists not a little. Handed about like parcels from Venice to Florence to Rome, unconscious of anything outside Baedeker, anxious to get done and go on elsewhere...towns, rivers, palaces, all mixed up in an inextricable whirl."  That's not how I want to spend this time. 

     I realize I'm probably beginning to sound a bit like a broken record with the mantra, "I've got to slow down" but it remains true.  So maybe the deeper question I need to ask myself is why I'm in such a hurry to see it all, to experience it all.  And I think it's the growing awareness of how short life really is.  I don't want to waste it, and I've become afraid of reaching the end before I've done everything I want to do. So with that knowledge of the source of the rushing, I need to remind myself strongly and firmly that rushing through and trying to squeeze in all the things I want to see and experience does not in fact allow me to truly experience nor see them at all.  

    Tomorrow we go to Filoli.  And that is the only garden on the list.  It will just be me and youngest.  I am looking forward to a quieter, calmer day, as well as time with my child.  I plan to do a lot of sitting and listening.

    At the same time, I have to say I've enjoyed all the walking and it's good training for the Camino... 🥰

Days 11 and 12

        I've been doing some reading about the Buddhist idea that "Attachment to desire causes suffering."  It is interesting to me because this is one of those often misquoted ideas.  It's the same as the New Testament saying "the love of money is the root of all evil."  People often forget the first part and just say "money is the root of all evil," when in fact, that is not the quote.  The same is true here.  I have heard many people say that one of the four Buddhist cornerstones is "attachment causes suffering."  But this, too, is incorrect.  It's not healthy or secure attachments that are at issue, it's the insecure attachments or the clinging or cravings that we have that lead to suffering.

    At any rate, I started that trip down the rabbit hole of exploring this important Buddhist tenet because of my frustration with electronics.  I know this has often been sort of funny, an amusing part of my journey in this lifetime that I zap electronics.  But the truth is that while it can be amusing for those around me, it honestly is extremely frustrating for me. For example, I have tried everything I know how to do to transfer the pictures off of my phone onto my more permanent laptop.  I've tried using iCloud, but the images end up teeny tiny.  I've tried plugging the phone into the laptop and using the auto picture downloader, which just comes up with "error" messages.  I've tried to open file explorer and manually move them.  Most of the files it tells me are in an "incompatible format".  For the rest, it very bizarrely will copy the file numbers of all the pictures, but they will all register as ONE photo: meaning that I will have a hundred copies of one image and none of most of the pictures. Finally, in desperation, I end up emailing myself the photos.  This, too, usually ends up with teeny tiny pictures.  We take the phone in to get fixed and are told the problem is with the laptop.  We take the laptop in to be fixed and are told it's a problem with the phone. Does it cause suffering? Well, I wouldn't go that far. But it certainly causes frustration. What's the point in having a camera on my phone if none of the images are shareable or savable?  

    So it's caused me again to do another deeper dive: what do I need to learn here?  And I think it does have to do with letting go of my attachments to certain outcomes, my attachments to specific ideas of the way things should go.  Life isn't like that, or rather my life isn't like that.  I can't dictate how things are supposed to happen.  I make plans, but truly, they never play out the way I expect, and I need to learn a deeper flexibility around this. 

    Jonah calls this "Dudeism" which is apparently an official religion now.  To quote their website: "Life is short and complicated and nobody knows what to do about it. So don’t do anything about it. Just take it easy, man." For those of us who struggle with anxiety and perfectionism, this isn't easy.  But I think it comes down to a couple things: first we just need to keep breathing through whatever happens.  And second, in many ways it comes back to my own faith's call to trust.  We have to trust that even death is not the horror we fear it to be, that wherever the journey takes us there will be beauty and lessons to learn, that God will be with us in everything we do and therefore if we rest in that Love that IS God, we will find goodness and joy.  

    On the practical side, here are two pictures I managed to email to myself of more plants I put in the other day.  We are now traveling and visiting other gardens.  But I'll have to figure out another way to get some of those pictures shared.

Oh, and Happy Mother's Day!

Day 9 and 10

      I don't sleep well. Ever since our children were born, I have become very sensitive to noises that might indicate that one was in need of attention. Then with our family crisis, my mind would race all the time and I could not turn it off. Now that we are in a really good place and the children are all adults and for the most part 2/3 out of the house, you'd think sleep would be easier, but my ability to sleep has never returned.  Up until this sabbatical time my mind still raced with things that needed to be done or issues that were happening both at church and at the Presbytery level. Up until now, I have still been oversensitive to noises in the house. For the first week of sabbatical, that was still the case. I hoped that with time and space, this might ease a little. But it has not. I'm still not able to sleep, still oversensitive to noises, and more, now my mind races with other thoughts, memories, questions, and concerns. 

    How I usually handle this inability to sleep has been to put in ear buds of some kind that connect to my phone or iPad and put in a movie I either know really well or have no interest in seeing: one that doesn't pull me to want to actually watch it either because I can see the scenes in my head based on the dialogue, or because I simply don't care about what's being said. The noise of dialogue then usually drowns out my own thoughts as well as the noises in the house, and distracts me enough to sleep... for a while. When the movie ends, I usually wake up and then we repeat the process all over again: try to sleep, find I can't, put in another movie, sleep for a couple more hours, repeat.  

    All that being said, I "sold" my sabbatical to the Lily grant committee that awards a certain number of clergy sabbatical grants each year by saying that I really needed some healing time. I worked throughout the time my family was dealing with crisis, then I moved to a new job and began working again. I had to: I needed to keep busy, I had to support my family, I needed to help the kids and my congregation get through their traumas.  But now there is space. My current congregation is doing well, my kids are all in college, my husband has a job he likes for the most part.  It feels like there can be a moment for me, finally, to maybe do some of the deeper work. So now, when I am awakened by memories or struggles or pain, I am stopping the "drown out" response. I am letting those memories surface, always with the question, why is this coming up for me now?  What is this thought or concern trying to tell me, teach me, or ask from me?  And always, again, where is God in this?  I am taking the time to listen: what do I need to hear?  Why now?  What is it I need to gain from this moment?

    I am learning. Today my learning is focusing on the fact that wherever you go, there you are. What I mean by that is that it doesn't really matter if I'm working at church or working in my yard or doing errands or even writing: I bring myself to each and every situation so I am going to be the same me with the same issues unless I am very conscious about doing things differently.  I am still intense, and I am still high energy, which many interpret as being "stressed" but does not always mean that I am. I still struggle with anxiety. Since that's a clinical biological thing, telling me to "just calm down" will never, ever work and usually just upsets me more.  If I could "calm down" I would have, so telling me to "just" do something I'm incapable of doing "just" makes me feel inadequate. In order to change things, I have to be very intentional. I need to take time to look at the plants and to walk in the woods. I need to take the time to do my yoga and to meditate. It's important to continue to write, which is always helpful for me. Remembering to breathe can be an extraordinary gift. This is today.  

    And here's a couple more plants I put in:

Day 7 and 8

     I have to say, I had no idea how big my yard was until I decided I could sheet mulch the big area in one day.  I have not finished, but what I did put down yesterday wiped me out. I had a few hours off from it to run some errands with David and then went back to it.  By the time I was done with everything, I was a zombie and went to bed.  Still, it feels good to accomplish as much as I did.  And my lesson in this is simply that size is all relative. If someone else had done it for me, I’m sure I would feel my yard was a reasonable Bay Area size, and absolutely fine for us, but small compared to what we had in Ohio.  But working on it myself, I feel every day that there are so many different areas that need addressing, and that the work is unending. Yesterday (and even still today) it felt huge. All the cardboard boxes we had have gone to this one area. Additionally, out of the 65 packages of mulch we purchased most are gone and the rest will be needed to deepen this area.  That’s okay.  One step at a time here, one area at a time.  

    For today then, I did basic chores in the morning: grocery store, post office, returning some items to a friend, picking up a couple plants at Lowe's.  And then I really needed a break from everything task oriented.  So I spent the rest of this afternoon at Markham park, looking at the flowers.  I love this park, and go there often to walk.  Today was different: I took the time to look at the flowers and to truly appreciate them.  It was renewing, relaxing, and truly wonderful.

Pictures: 

beginning to lay the cardboard:

Mulch added: 

Markham park:

Thank you God for this afternoon of rest and renewal!

Day 6, A Deeper Dive

     There are certain things that must be done that I find difficult to do. These are "normal" things that most people have to do at one point or another. But for all the persona I put forth that shows me to be capable, strong, hard working and always on the move; this hides the reality that there are certain basic, normal activities that are very hard for me. I have to psyche myself up for these, as well as do every other activity I can think of postponing the inevitability of getting these simple activities done. 

    So today, after pulling more weeds, pruning a few rose bushes, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the house, changing the filters in our air purifiers, going through the clothing that we need to donate, collecting old prescription medications to turn in, and making some necessary phone calls, I finally was able to push myself to get the car smog checked and then, to deal with our insurance company about certain claims that they've been trying not to pay. Even harder for me, I waited until David was done with work so he could sit next to me while I called several hotels to adjust a few of our reservations for travel in the next few weeks. Anything having to do with making trip arrangements is overwhelming for me. While I love traveling and being on vacation, the amount of stress the planning and arranging cause for me is absurdly ridiculous. 

    Once these three daunting tasks were done, I did not feel relieved. Instead, other activities that I have also put off came to mind. I need to stain the closet doors that are sitting in my garage waiting for me. I need to call a mess of different physical therapy offices to try to find one that actually has openings before we leave for Europe. These are just two of a list of about 25 "things that need to be done."  Each one feels unreasonably difficult, daunting, large, and overwhelming. Some of these will take an hour, most will take about a day, others will take months to accomplish. But as I look at my list, I'm filled with dread, depression and an almost irresistible urge to run away.  

    So, what do I need to do with this list? Some tasks need to be postponed. For example, I have had the project of converting my photos into digital versions. This is a huge project. My reasons for doing so are numerous: I don't want to have so many albums taking up room, I worry about fire (especially where we currently live) and want them in a format that is easy to grab should we have to go. But honestly, this may have to be a project for retirement, whenever that might occur. I don't have the bandwidth for this right now, and I think that needs to be okay.

    Others I may need to pay someone else to do. It's possible that this is the case with the closet door situation, as well as some other house projects such as digging the tanbark away from the side of the house (to prevent termites) and fixing the retaining wall in our back yard. 

    Still others I may need to break into small pieces. I need to put our important documents on a flash drive to put in our emergency kit (again this is a fire preparedness necessity). I can break this up: scan the most important ones one day. Make a pile of the second most important ones and take a few each day.  Even taking one paper a day would eventually get me through the pile of important papers. All I need to do is to START.  

    Some I may be able to pass on to David. While he is still working right now, this sabbatical time was supposed to be sabbath for me: not just getting done everything I've put off. We can divide some of these jobs up.  

    But I think the deeper dive is to look at why some of these particular tasks are overwhelming.  What is it about calling insurance people, for example, that I find so difficult? I'm not a fan of conflict. I don't like running up against walls of "no," I don't like feeling dismissed, unheard, or misunderstood, and I really don't like needing to duplicate or redo forms. But these things are just part of life in this country at this time. And they give me opportunities to practice being calm in the face of difficult scenarios.

    What is it about making travel plans that utterly overwhelms me? After all, for many the planning of these trips is half the fun. I fear spending money for things that never take place. Honestly, I prefer some spontaneity, but as I plan for the garden tours I'm finding that most places require that you have your tickets ahead of time with exact days and often exact times of entry.  We may not be able to find a place to stay if we don't have reservations ahead of time. But I'm all too aware that things happen, and I worry that I will have paid for tickets or hotels and then not be able to use them because something has interfered: illness, car problems, or some other unforeseen problem. I think about the trip I took with Jonah to Yosemite. We paid for entry, we paid for a hotel room, and then the car broke down and we had to be towed back home. I think about our trip to Norway and our plans to visit the large group of museums in the center of Bergen. Everything we could find said the museums would be open, but the day we went, our last day in Bergen, they were all unexpectedly closed. I think about David's "quick trip" to Michigan to see his family.  He only had a four day weekend, but after he landed in Chicago following the first leg of his journey, he was informed that the second flight had been canceled, and he would not be able to get another flight for another couple days. There have been so many things that have gone wrong with our vacation plans in the past, soooo many, that I have little doubt some of the arrangements I've made will involve throwing money and time away. That waste is deeply upsetting to me. So much so that making the arrangements and putting money down for travel causes great anxiety. 

    I need to remember that what is important is not the destination but the journey. I will be with my family, whatever happens. And while there will be unexpected events, if we keep our eyes open, even if we miss what was planned, there will be something else to see, to learn, to experience. The money will be spent, but it will be what it will be. So this is my lesson for today: to trust that while there will no doubt be issues, still, in the big picture it will all be worth while.  

(sigh). Some lessons are easier to learn than others.

Days 4 and 5

    Yesterday it rained most of the day.  I was able, still, to put in a couple plants, and I took the opportunity to learn about propogating roses, verbena and corral bells since, again, this is becoming expensive. I've tried with a couple roses, and we will have to see how that plays out. 

    Towards a different part of the sabbatical, I also worked with a physical therapist a bit yesterday on how to tape my knee and toe so that I'm able to walk the camino with my son. We will see... I'm doing everything I know how to do so that our walk can actually happen with the least amount of pain.  

    The rest of the day I ran a bunch of errands, trying to work through the long list of needs that have been postponed because of a busy work schedule. And at the end of the day, I tried to honor David's desire for a "May the 4th be with you" Star Wars marathon. Not my favorite activity... I become very restless when sitting for a period of time. We focused on episodes IV-VI which are still fun to me. Actually, I don't have the same issues with episode I that others do, but I can't stand to watch II and III, for numerous reasons I don't need to expand on here. And I've never gotten into VII-IX. I know some of you (including David) would see that as heretical, but there it is.  

    This morning I was back at it. I'm still waiting for my huge order of mulch so I can do some sheet mulching in areas where crab grass has taken over. In the meantime, it's all hand pulling of weeds, which I do enjoy, though it's labor intensive and I won't be able to keep that up when we begin our travelling. That will happen as soon as Aislynn is home, which is in another 5 days (not that I'm counting).

    Here are some pictures of the new plants in the garden today as well as the roses I'm trying to propogate.  

Lessons from today:

       First, I loved learning about propogating plants. But I'm also aware that we pay for our gardens in one way or another. We either pay with money or we pay with time. It will take time for these plants that I'm trying to propogate to actually grow enough to plant and then more time for them to become full plants once they are in the garden. I'm happy to take the time for now, but I don't always have it to spare. Decisions, then, will need to be made. Which do I value more?  The time or the money? Usually it's the time. This is also true when it comes to mulch. I've heard several people suggest that when I see a tree person chopping down or shredding the remains of a tree, that I could ask them for the mulch they create.  "It's free" they tell me, as opposed to purchasing mass quantities of mulch.  Yes, but that means having the time and being out when a tree trimmer is around. It means taking the time to approach them and ask for their mulch. It means knowing what I'm asking for, and planning for it.  So far, I have never been outside when a tree trimmer is in the area.  I haven't seen any to ask for their mulch. Again, a matter of time versus money.    

    Second, I seem to regularly do things in the wrong order in terms of my garden. I painstakingly put in the pathway several years ago.  It took a great deal of time, intentionality and effort.  But after two years I then decided I needed a sprinkler system in the garden areas. In having that put in, the pathway was ruined, and had to be redone.  The recommended order for sheet mulching is that you plant your trees, then do the sheet mulching, and then add in smaller plants.  But since I don't have the mulch yet, I've planted many of my smaller plants and will attempt to sheet-mulch around them, which may end up being very problematic.  At the same time, many of the smaller plants I've put into that larger section, including verbena and myoporum are supposed to be trailing plants which will put down roots as they expand, and I don't want to get in their way with the sheet mulching. There are several lessons here for me.  One is patience. I need to have the patience to gain clarity about what I want so that I can think through what should happen in what order.  I also need the patience to wait for things like mulch to arrive before picking out plants. But another lesson for me in this is self-forgiveness. I am still, in so many ways, a novice to gardening. That means I will make mistakes. I go to the garden store to purchase one thing, and then see a plant I love, or talk to one of the workers who recommends a different plant.  I end up buying those almost as experiments with the hope that they will work in my garden, and will fill in under the trees or in different areas. Also, I'm trying to translate my own "mistakes" into "opportunities for growing and learning." 

    And God? God is present in the calming gifts of being in my garden, playing in the dirt.  I have a swing in the yard that I would like to be able to sit in to enjoy what is being created.  At this point sitting in the swing means looking out and noticing where there are still weeds that need pulling.  As I said, I don't sit well, so usually that means bopping up sooner rather than later to pull said weeds.  That's okay, but I look forward to the time of actual rest. So far I have just traded the busyness of my job for the busyness of trying to fix up my garden. Soon I will trade all of that for the busyness of travel.  I need to be intentional, then, about finding those times of rest, of sitting, of reflecting. 

Soon...    

Day 3

     I've been mostly focusing on the back yard.  It's a retreat for me, a place to sit and think as well as to plant and garden. That being said, today I did some weed pulling and planted a couple more lantana in the front. The front needs a great deal of work, and honestly, I'm thinking it needs a "back to basics" approach of really planning and thinking through how I want it to be.  There is a rock "necklace" that goes around a big dirt area.  But the rocks are now infested with weeds and will need to either be completely pulled out and redone, or I need to figure out something different to do in that area... perhaps another walking path like I've put in the back.   

    In the mean time I've tried to make a lantana section in the dirt part.  It's a drought resistant/heat resistant plant as well as very pretty, which is why I planted these. However, I'm not having great success with the lantana.  I think it may be because they are full sun plants and the big tree in the front of my yard is shading these plants too much. I may need to hire someone to work on our trees a bit... this one in particular wants to take over the world, and may need a little pruning to encourage it to remember its limitations (ha!).

    At any rate, here are a few pictures of the front

Before: 

After:

    It's honestly hard to see the difference in these photos, but the amount of weeds I pulled filled our green bin entirely. And there are two new lantanas, which in the "before" picture are still in pots and are now in the ground.  I plan to do some sheet mulching around them, but I'm waiting on the mulch to arrive. 

    I also planted more in the back yard. The plants are expensive (as is the mulch I ordered!), so I've been thinking about which plants I already have that I might be able to divide and then plant in other places.  I'll save more pictures of the back yard for tomorrow.  

    The rest of today I am spending with eldest child.  We walk, we talk, we eat... it's all good. Fridays are usually my day off and I try to set aside time for eldest on those days. But almost every Friday something comes up that prevents us having the time we really need. Today was good. It was important to reconnect.

    Today's lesson?  There were several.  First, one of my parishioners lives in my neighborhood and I saw him walk by with his dog.  I tried to call him, he waved but didn't stop. I think he's respecting that I'm on sabbatical, but I found myself feeling sad. While I need this time away to not work for a spell, I also don't want that to damage or cut off relationships, and that includes with parishioners. So what does that mean?  Well, it means I don't want us to ignore each other if we pass each other.  I don't want to feel isolated or alienated. The question is how to do that while still getting some distance from work.  I honestly don't know how, and this will be a lesson I need to learn. This sabbatical thing is weird, and I'm still trying to get a handle on it.

    Second, I've not been sleeping well. Last night my mind was whirring with thoughts and concerns about Presbytery, about the physical therapy I need to be doing for my knee and foot (though I can't find anyone with whom there are appointment openings. No one is open until June, which is too late since we will be out of the country. So frustrating and what a commentary again on our medical system!!), and of course about the church and my work. As a result, when I finally did fall asleep, it meant I slept in to 8am. I can't remember the last time I didn't get up until 8.  I usually am up now around 5:30, so this is a huge shift. But it also felt really good to let my own body's rhythms assert themselves and decide the schedule, without the electronic alarm being the ultimate authority. 

    Third, as I worked on my front yard, I thought about the fact that I've always considered that a "full sun" area when in fact, because of the big tree, it is anything BUT full sun. It reminded me of a situation one of my pastor friends recently shared with me. She said her congregation has held on to a strong mythology that the church is not growing and that people who come to visit never return. The truth is quite the opposite: though it is a very small church, they just had almost a dozen new members join, increasing church membership by almost 15%.  Once people believe something, it can be very difficult to dissuade them from those beliefs. Facts contrary to beliefs will be ignored, discounted, or explained away.  As I work in my yard, I am getting to know it better.  I am learning what areas are full sun and what areas get a lot more shade than I realized. I am adjusting, either by pruning back the big trees or by choosing different plants to go into specific areas. Also, I'm realizing that as plants grow, the areas change. What used to be full-sun, no longer is because of the trees that have come to shade those areas. Being willing to learn, each day, what is new, what is different can apply to people as well. What we knew of someone ten years ago may no longer be true today.  What we knew of groups ten years ago may no longer be true today.  But sometimes we almost force people and situations to stay the same by refusing to see the changes that are happening. It benefits no one and nothing. Today I am working to keep my eyes open.

    And God? I see God in the learning, in the plants, in the time with eldest and in the beauty of this spring day.  

Day 2

 Pictures to show what is happening.

Before:

As of today:

Tomorrow there will be more...

The garden requires a lot of work.  The "before" pictures are a couple weeks ago. I tried to take a few "before" pictures today, but my phone ate them.  I also had more "after" pictures: these were eaten in the transfer to my computer.  

I had more "before" pictures from when the garden was an absolute mess only 5 months ago.  Those too were eated by my computer/phone.  None of this should be a surprise to any of you who know me and my isues with electronics... still a bit frustrating.

But looking at the above pictures from a few weeks ago, I see that, unfortunately, many of the areas I had so carefully weeded have once again become overrun with weeds. The second "after" picture shows an area I tackled today and then I planted a ground cover myoporum that should spread. I have a second one to plant tomorrow. I also planted 5 other plants, but again, no pictures to show. The planter boxes are new and there are more new plants ready to go in the ground as well.  

I find deep joy in helping and watching things grow. The blossoms of the flowers, some of which are now becoming fruit, is an incredible gift to watch, and even more so to participate in by upturning the soil, adding potting soil and fertilizer, watering and planting. I also admire the tenacity of the weeds. I find myself in conversations with them, "Your love of life, your commitment to living and spreading have my great respect. At the same time, you were not invited to this particular party.  You will harm the plants that bring us joy and beauty, so you will need to move out now and find another place to grow. Thank you for your living, and for your letting go of the dirt as I pull or hoe, so that other plants might thrive in this space." The weeds have life, too, and I believe all life should be treated with respect.  

Which brings me to answer my two questions for today.  Where did I see God today? And what did I learn/ where is God leading?  

1.  In some ways the camera and photo app not working on my phone could be seen as a gift: it invites me to stay in the moment, to do what I can do each day and not try to force the process to move more quickly than it will.

2.  I know not all that I plant will succeed, but that's okay.  I will do my best to care for each plant and be accepting of what does not change and adapt well to being planted in my yard.

3.  For two days now I've spent only about 3 hours a day in the garden.  It quickly gets too hot, and I'm still nursing my knee and foot a bit.  Taking my time with it, doing other things, or just resting has also been a gift.

4.  It has been a challenge to be present with what I'm doing today.  My mind slips back to church and Presbytery.  I may write more about that tomorrow.  For today, I'm trying to be gentle with the thoughts, hopes, memories and concerns that arise.

5.  Finally, spending time focusing on the value of the weeds, their lives, even as they lose them, has helped me to remember the interdependence of all life, and the importance of honoring and remembering those whose life ends, even if we only name them to be weeds.

God is in it all, gently nudging me forward to tomorrow.      

Day 1

     Today was my first day of Sabbatical.  Since my focus for this time is gardens and gardening, I spent much of the day pulling weeds, planting a few plants, planning for more, ordering mass quantities of mulch and visiting the plant store where I picked up some other plants for my garden.  I'm already sun-burnt, a gentle reminder that sun protection is essential for this light skinned woman who has skin cancer issues. 

    I thought about what I want out of this time.  As I mentioned on Sunday, I plan to do some pruning, both internally and externally. My focus is on healing, rest, re-grounding in God, and the deep digging in the dirt necessary to come back to my pastor job with greater intentionality and more grounding at the end of my sabbatical.

    At the end of each day, then, I will ask myself two questions: where did I see God and what did I learn today: or where did I experience God's leading.

    Monday I had lunch with a friend who said that sometimes pastors can get so caught up in trying to lead others to understand and deepen in their relationships with God that they neglect their own relationships with God. Tuesday in my lectionary group I heard something similar. I felt that was an important message, reminding me that this time really needs to be about that relationship. I've been working on my book about the trauma our family lived through and found a bit of envy for that time when God felt so close. It is easier to turn to God when we need help. It can be harder in the day to day busyness and living.  

    So as I "played in my yard" today (which is how I understand gardening), I took each breath as an invitation to hear at a deeper level. I don't know very much about gardening and I really wish I knew more. But I have time now to do some learning. I remembered that things we try that are fairly new to us will involve making mistakes. And that sometimes we have to try things to see what works, what fits.  I bought a few plants I know nothing about but that the plant store said would work well in the places I want to plant them.  We will see.  I don't really have a green thumb, though I love plants so much. I need to be forgiving when it doesn't work out as I planned, and flexible with the soil issues. I can be a lazy gardener in that I want to do it all the easiest way possible, which often ends up leading to more work as I then have mistakes and issues to constantly address. 

    I saw God in the beautiful and diverse way that life manifests in all these different plants. I found great joy in the plants I planted that have not only survived, but thrived in our yard.  As I looked at my apricot tree that is so heavy with fruit the limbs are bowing, and at the verbena, which has taken over a part of my yard and filled it with beautiful purple flowers, I delighted in what God can do if we just plant the seeds in the right soil with a little water, sun and love.  

    Today was a wonderful day.  I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring.