Day 2

 Pictures to show what is happening.

Before:

As of today:

Tomorrow there will be more...

The garden requires a lot of work.  The "before" pictures are a couple weeks ago. I tried to take a few "before" pictures today, but my phone ate them.  I also had more "after" pictures: these were eaten in the transfer to my computer.  

I had more "before" pictures from when the garden was an absolute mess only 5 months ago.  Those too were eated by my computer/phone.  None of this should be a surprise to any of you who know me and my isues with electronics... still a bit frustrating.

But looking at the above pictures from a few weeks ago, I see that, unfortunately, many of the areas I had so carefully weeded have once again become overrun with weeds. The second "after" picture shows an area I tackled today and then I planted a ground cover myoporum that should spread. I have a second one to plant tomorrow. I also planted 5 other plants, but again, no pictures to show. The planter boxes are new and there are more new plants ready to go in the ground as well.  

I find deep joy in helping and watching things grow. The blossoms of the flowers, some of which are now becoming fruit, is an incredible gift to watch, and even more so to participate in by upturning the soil, adding potting soil and fertilizer, watering and planting. I also admire the tenacity of the weeds. I find myself in conversations with them, "Your love of life, your commitment to living and spreading have my great respect. At the same time, you were not invited to this particular party.  You will harm the plants that bring us joy and beauty, so you will need to move out now and find another place to grow. Thank you for your living, and for your letting go of the dirt as I pull or hoe, so that other plants might thrive in this space." The weeds have life, too, and I believe all life should be treated with respect.  

Which brings me to answer my two questions for today.  Where did I see God today? And what did I learn/ where is God leading?  

1.  In some ways the camera and photo app not working on my phone could be seen as a gift: it invites me to stay in the moment, to do what I can do each day and not try to force the process to move more quickly than it will.

2.  I know not all that I plant will succeed, but that's okay.  I will do my best to care for each plant and be accepting of what does not change and adapt well to being planted in my yard.

3.  For two days now I've spent only about 3 hours a day in the garden.  It quickly gets too hot, and I'm still nursing my knee and foot a bit.  Taking my time with it, doing other things, or just resting has also been a gift.

4.  It has been a challenge to be present with what I'm doing today.  My mind slips back to church and Presbytery.  I may write more about that tomorrow.  For today, I'm trying to be gentle with the thoughts, hopes, memories and concerns that arise.

5.  Finally, spending time focusing on the value of the weeds, their lives, even as they lose them, has helped me to remember the interdependence of all life, and the importance of honoring and remembering those whose life ends, even if we only name them to be weeds.

God is in it all, gently nudging me forward to tomorrow.      

Day 1

     Today was my first day of Sabbatical.  Since my focus for this time is gardens and gardening, I spent much of the day pulling weeds, planting a few plants, planning for more, ordering mass quantities of mulch and visiting the plant store where I picked up some other plants for my garden.  I'm already sun-burnt, a gentle reminder that sun protection is essential for this light skinned woman who has skin cancer issues. 

    I thought about what I want out of this time.  As I mentioned on Sunday, I plan to do some pruning, both internally and externally. My focus is on healing, rest, re-grounding in God, and the deep digging in the dirt necessary to come back to my pastor job with greater intentionality and more grounding at the end of my sabbatical.

    At the end of each day, then, I will ask myself two questions: where did I see God and what did I learn today: or where did I experience God's leading.

    Monday I had lunch with a friend who said that sometimes pastors can get so caught up in trying to lead others to understand and deepen in their relationships with God that they neglect their own relationships with God. Tuesday in my lectionary group I heard something similar. I felt that was an important message, reminding me that this time really needs to be about that relationship. I've been working on my book about the trauma our family lived through and found a bit of envy for that time when God felt so close. It is easier to turn to God when we need help. It can be harder in the day to day busyness and living.  

    So as I "played in my yard" today (which is how I understand gardening), I took each breath as an invitation to hear at a deeper level. I don't know very much about gardening and I really wish I knew more. But I have time now to do some learning. I remembered that things we try that are fairly new to us will involve making mistakes. And that sometimes we have to try things to see what works, what fits.  I bought a few plants I know nothing about but that the plant store said would work well in the places I want to plant them.  We will see.  I don't really have a green thumb, though I love plants so much. I need to be forgiving when it doesn't work out as I planned, and flexible with the soil issues. I can be a lazy gardener in that I want to do it all the easiest way possible, which often ends up leading to more work as I then have mistakes and issues to constantly address. 

    I saw God in the beautiful and diverse way that life manifests in all these different plants. I found great joy in the plants I planted that have not only survived, but thrived in our yard.  As I looked at my apricot tree that is so heavy with fruit the limbs are bowing, and at the verbena, which has taken over a part of my yard and filled it with beautiful purple flowers, I delighted in what God can do if we just plant the seeds in the right soil with a little water, sun and love.  

    Today was a wonderful day.  I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring.  

It's time...

          I am in a season of transition.  And it is time.

          It is time for me to go on Sabbatical, to have space for myself, to step out of serving a congregation for a few months, to step away from the intensity of raising children (they are now all in college).  It is time for me to carve out space for rest, renewal, prayer and reflection.  

          It is also time for me to work through some of the traumas of the past that have not had space to be dealt with in depth. Some of these are presenting themselves now in a way that is gently calling me to pay attention and to learn the lessons that were present in those events. It is time to be intentional in healing, imagining, and reconnecting with God.

          It is time for me to begin writing again regularly. COVID shut me down in terms of my writing.  I've continued to work on my book, but that work at this time is strictly editing and is less a creative endeavor than a reviewing experience. It is time to start writing again, and to listen for where I'm being led in terms of using my voice.

          It is time for me to build my garden. I mean that literally, as the focus on my Sabbatical is garden centered.  But I also mean it metaphorically. I will be digging in the dirt of my life, planting seeds for flowers and trees to grow from the mud and silt, hoeing up the weeds that have infested and taken over areas that need rototilling, churning up the worms that help provide needed nutrients and rooting out the pests that are destructive. 

         It is time for me to move my feet forward. I will be walking part of the Camino de Santiago with my son for a couple weeks: doing the work of talking, listening, and actively moving forward in place, time, space and in the inner steps of spiritual pilgrimage.

          It is time for me to breathe, deeply.  For those who are interested, I will take you along on my journeys of Sabbatical through my writing once more.  I invite you to join me for the journey.  

Season of Change

           Last week I wrote a letter for our church newsletter that focused on the nature of change.  I want to include part of what I wrote here, but take it a step further.  

          Every change involves grief.  Even good changes mean there is loss: something that was is now no longer and we have moved into something that is different from what was before.  While some of these changes are easier to get through than others, they all invite us into a process where we can either grow or stagnate, learn and develop or become angry and bitter.  When we try to skirt around the feelings of grief that change brings, usually it ends up hurting us in the end: we are not as able to truly move forward, to grow through the healing process, or to do the inner work required to become the whole people God calls us to be.  

          As I write this, I am preparing to go on Sabbatical.  This is a joyous time: both for me and for my congregation.  For me, I will have intentional and extended time off.  I don’t believe I’ve ever had a vacation or even a day off that was completely free from work in my years serving as a pastor.  There have always been phone calls, texts, emails that need my attention and I’ve been happy to give it.  I love my work and that call has shown me that my work has been valued and appreciated.  At the same time, I am tired and taking a true step away for a few months will be different for me. I will be turning off my computer for these months, stepping away from phone calls and texts.  For much of the time I will be out of the country and unable to receive contact of any kind, but even while I am in the country, a sabbatical requires a stepping away, a silencing of these modes of contact. That will be new for me, but in 28 years of ministry, I’m hoping it will be a time of spiritual renewal.  Jesus modelled stepping away to pray and to regroup and I am trying to learn from his example as I take this time apart.

For my congregation, they will have the experience of a wonderful woman coming to fill in for me who is a colleague, friend and mentor whom I'm hoping will be able to lead them in a different way for a few months.  She will bring different visions, different insight and will be able to lead and walk with the congregation in new ways.  These are all good things.  I will return in August and that will also be a good thing: I hope to come back with renewed energy and vision and I look forward to hearing what my congregation has learned during my time away. 

               But I also need to name, as I began, that every change involves grief.  Grief can include feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety.  While my hope is that these feelings will be minimal for my congregants, I can honestly say that they are rising steadily for me.  I worry about life transitions that I may not be here to support or to walk through. I wonder what my parishioners feel and how they will move through this time. Personally, I worry how it will be for me to not be defined by my ministry.  I have anxiety about the transition back when I return in August.  

            Our session (executive council) for our congregation met yesterday.  We are reading together a book about family and church systems and the chapter we read for yesterday discussed how the anxiety of grief can cause people to "act out."  I feel called to name that despite my understanding this to be true, it is still the case that I find my anxiety causing me to behave differently than I would choose. Today I was snippy and unusually direct with a congregant about something that had hurt someone I love.  Normally I would step back, take a breath before reacting, and be able to be more pastoral in my response.  But today I acted from that reactive anxious place.  I apologized, and fortunately was able to see it for what it was: a reaction based in anxiety and the grief of change.  Even more fortunately for me, he was also able to see that as well and so did not take it personally.  Still, my own behavior was a call to pay attention, and to breathe more deeply through the next couple weeks as I prepare to go.  

            As with all transitions, this is an invitational time for me to pay attention.  As with all feelings, the anxiety calls us to listen and to be honest in our feelings.  But once again, God did not leave me alone in my anxiety.  In the middle of today's drama, I received a phone call from someone I haven't spoken to in nine years.  It was a delightful and unexpected "catch up" conversation with a parishioner from my last congregation. I left the call with several gifts.  

         First, it was a reminder to me that even if I were not returning (and I am returning!!), there would be people who had valued my time here.  I do not need to be anxious that my presence has been unvalued or unimportant.  Even parishioners who experienced me for a much shorter time and during an unusually dramatic and difficult time value what I had to give.  

       Second, it was a reminder that even when we are apart from one another, we remain connected.  Our hearts, our experiences together, our walks together matter.  They continue to be part of who we are even when we are separate.   

      Finally, and always, it was a reminder that God never leaves us alone. At the moment when I most needed reassurance and comfort, I was given the gift of this re-connection.  The ways in which God binds us to one another and is the glue, the love, the communion in community is so important and essential.  And for all of that I am deeply grateful.

     During this season of change I am striving to walk with my eyes open.  I will make mistakes.  But none of us are alone, and with love and intentionality we will walk through the struggles to emerge in a better place on the other side.  Thanks be to God.

Thieves and Scammers

  For Christmas this year, we received a number of gift cards.  Almost all had been purchased at Safeways around the country, and all of them had been tampered with.  All had already been used, all had been “scammed” in that someone had gone into the store, scanned the numbers on the cards, put them back into the envelopes so that once they were “activated” they were picked up immediately and put into someone else’s account.  The amount of money lost in this way to us personally ended up being around $500.  That was just in our own family.  I wonder how many other people lost money in this way, and I wonder how much money others were able to obtain by “stealing” these gift cards in this way.

Then, after Christmas, we ordered some supplies from Walmart using a bonus card David had received from his work.  (We don’t usually buy from Walmart, but again, this was a card we were given). This card was delivered digitally and so it “worked” for us in that we were able to order the supplies using the card to pay for them.  However, we received a notification that they had been delivered to our house at a specific time, and they never were. The total spent was about $100.  Fortunately, we now have REO cameras installed and we could see that no one had stolen anything from our porch: these items were simply not delivered, despite the company saying they were.  My guess is that these were stolen by the delivery person, though it is possible that they were delivered to the wrong address.  Either way, when we have packages wrongly delivered to us, we take them to the right address.  The fact that this never happened makes it clear that someone took something that was not theirs at some point in the process of delivery.  On another note, we tried to follow through with Walmart as well as the gift card companies.  David spent probably 10 hours on this, but Walmart made it impossible to contact them or to file a complaint. We still tried, not that this will make any difference.  Walmart is a billion-dollar company who does not care about the little amount we lost and will suffer no consequences for failing to make it right. (This is just one of the many reasons we don’t normally shop there!)   

I have several thoughts about all of this.  The first is that scammers and thieves seem to be more numerous than ever, at least in the United States, at this point in time.  Why?  Perhaps it is the general depression, anxiety and despair that so many are feeling that leads them to stop caring about morality or doing what’s right.  Perhaps it is the rising hatred and anger that is also leading to these choices.  Perhaps it is the huge increase in poverty that we are experiencing, the swallowing up of the middle class as the rich become richer and more greedy. Maybe it is that it is so easy to steal in these ways, and there is little consequence to doing so.  It is difficult to find those who have stolen packages, and the police generally won’t waste their time on small thefts or small vandalisms, even as they add up.  We know this because our church has had a number of thefts as well as vandalism lately and the police have admitted that they will not act until the amount stolen or the damage done in each instance is over $1000.   Whatever the cause, if you plan to give gifts this year, I’d encourage you to think through how you choose to do that, considering ways your gifts might be scammed and perhaps choosing the old-fashioned route of purchasing the gift itself and delivering it directly to the recipients.

My second thought was to remind myself that while we “lost” a total of about $600, that all of it was from gifts, things we did not earn, things we did not save for, money that was not expected or needed.  We have enough.  We have always had enough.  My own theology says that nothing we own is ours, anyway.  All of it is lent to us by God to use for the good of all people.  And while it is not ideal that it is scammers who took the money and the items we ordered, perhaps they are people who needed those resources.  I don’t know, and I never will.  The point is that this is something I need to let go of.  The things we received that didn’t work and the things we didn’t receive were gifts.  And it is the energy and care that went into the choosing of gifts and the giving of gifts that matters, not the receiving of more things that we don’t need anyway.

My final thought is that I feel like our lack of connection to others is also a huge part of the issue.  We have forgotten that we belong to one another, that we are deeply connected, that we are all children of God and as such siblings to one another, and that what effects one of us, at some deep level effects all of us.  The more that we can practice our connectionality and the more we can be kind to one another, even those who are very different from us, even those who we don’t necessarily agree with or like, the more we can change the world for the better.  Also, it is harder to scam people when you have come to care about them. I am reminded that it is my job to get to know those people I don’t usually interact with, including delivery people and the shady people I might see in the grocery store.  It is my job to get to know the unhoused persons who are damaging our church, to talk to them and find out their stories.  It is my job to tear down the walls that protect me from others and to reach across them to make connections instead.  This is our job as human beings.  It might not make a difference today, it might not change the number of scammers who are out there tomorrow.  But I have to believe that each effort for good that we choose matters in the world, and that all our efforts for good can add up, just as all the efforts that do damage have been adding up as of late.  It has to start with me.  It has to start with you.  And it has to start today.

Revenge in our hearts?

     I’ve been thinking about comments I’ve heard recently that basically come down to, “Because I’ve suffered, you should too.” Or even, "Because WE'VE suffered, you should too."

“Because I had to take that test in order to get into that job/profession/group/activity other people should have to as well.  If they don’t, it’s not fair!” 

“Because I received corporal punishment as a child, I think this next generation of kids should also have corporal punishment.  It didn’t kill me so it won’t kill them!” 

“Because I had to go through several rigid screenings in order to be part of this group, everyone else should as well.” 

"Because we have been hurt, we need to make other people hurt too."

Recently there was a huge controversy that involved one of the ordination exams that was offered this past year.  A scripture was chosen for those studying to become Presbyterian pastors that they needed to translate from original Hebrew, do an extensive biblical study on, and then create a congregational bible study from that passage.  This is a part of every exegesis ordination exam that every Presbyterian pastor must take to be ordained in our denomination.  The scripture they picked this last year, though, was one that could have been considered deeply traumatic for many.  It was Judges 19 in which a Levite’s concubine was gang-raped, murdered and dismembered.  Survivors of sexual assault were outraged at the insistence that they be required to study and write about this passage and basically called the committee’s choice that they handle such a passage a form of “hazing”.  Without going too far into the controversy, I found it interesting that one of the arguments for continuing with this passage again came back to the “well we had to look at hard passages to become pastors, so they should too.”  The use of the word “hazing” to describe the exam also backs this idea.  Those who are hazed remember what they had to do in order to “join the club” or the fraternity and they feel it is, therefore, only fair that those who follow should also have to suffer as they did. 

While these examples take many forms and have been said in many differing situations, they all come back to that same thing: I suffered, so others should too.

               This is very problematic.  While I have written about this for my congregation, I wanted to say something more about this using words that are not as "churchy" because, while I think this is especially problematic for people of faith, I also believe it is simply problematic just because as human beings, we should be striving to do better.  Every single day there are so many good things that come to us that we did not earn or deserve.  And there are so many gifts that come our way that we can take no credit for at all. On a small scale, how many times have you gone over the speed limit, or failed to use your turn signal but have not been given a ticket?  How many times have you made a mistake such as talking behind someone’s back, exaggerating a story in a way that you knew would be hurtful to those you spoke about, or were cranky with someone you valued in a way that could have ended the relationship, only to have the experience of finding that those mistakes have not led to the terrible consequences which could have followed?  How often have we experienced being forgiven for the harsh words, or loved beyond the mistakes? 

         In the bigger picture, did you do anything that earned you where you were born?  Did you do anything to have been born into a family that had enough resources to feed you, to house you, to educate you?  Did you do anything to deserve classes and lessons and friends and family who have been kind and loving?  Did you do anything to deserve going on family vacations or trips to the park or zoo or circus as a kid?  How many times have you just barely scraped by on an exam or in some other way and experienced others simply being kind because they could be?  

       But as a people we don’t tend to focus or remember the times we've experienced such beauty or kindness or grace nearly as intensely or as often as we focus on and remember what we consider an injustice to ourselves.  And as a result, we fail then to find the gratitude to extend that grace to those around us, but instead insist that because we suffered, others should too.  And while this may be very human, "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind."  We need to do better.  We need to focus less on revenge and on the idea that because I have suffered, you should too, and instead choose more often that because I've been gifted in so very many ways in this lifetime, I will extend those gifts and that grace to you as well.  

     We have the power to create a kinder, gentler world.  And it doesn't take much to move from "it's not fair!" to "How can I help?  What can I do to make your world a tiny bit better?"  My hope is that we could all try to move in that direction, one step at a time.

You Are What You See

               "You are what you see."  This is a quote that I was told came originally from Thick Nhat Hanh but as I tried to clarify this online, it seems many people have said this, and with good reason.  Psychologists say that what we internalize through life, media or other parts of life can deeply affect who we are, what we believe, and how we function in this life time.  I read an article in Psychology Today that named the deep effects on a person's psyche of watching too much negative news.  Watching negative news can lessen our sense of joy, increase anxiety, and lead to deep depression. Similarly, there are numerous studies that show watching too much violent TV or engaging in violent video games encourages children and adults to act out that violence in their lives.  Considering how much time people spend watching violent TV or playing violent video games, is the increasing rage and violence in our country surprising?

           There is a common misperception that if you are feeling angry, you can dispel those feelings by acting out violence towards non-human targets (punching bags, pillows, shooting images through a video game).  In fact, the opposite has been found to be true.  Once you begin to act out violence towards ANYTHING, the possibility of becoming violent towards the living beings around you increases. That is a consistent finding.  Psychologists knew this 40 years ago (I remember learning it in my psychology classes in college) and studies continue to bear out this finding, yet people still claim they are "getting OUT their anger" through violence when instead their behaviors increase those feelings and violent tendencies. When we see, feel, hear or act out violence, even if it is aimed at inanimate or video objects, we increase the violence of our own beings and our own tendencies to harm others.

            This also manifests in what news we watch.  While we choose our news channels based on our beliefs, at the same time it becomes circular in that the stories we hear and see reinforce and tend to cement us into the beliefs we already had.  They make us who we are as much as we choose them because of who we are.

            Still, today I heard the phrase, "you are what you see" differently.  While I believe that what we see, what we engage with our eyes, our ears and our actions (such as playing violent video games) does change how we interact with the world, I also heard and understood this phrase at a deeper level.  We have choices about how we see the events around us.  We make decisions about how we interpret events.  As I have shared before, I knew someone who regularly said that every action of every person was a play for power.  I don't agree with her that this is true of everyone.  I do see that it is true of her own behaviors.  She projected onto the world her own internal reality.  She chose to see the world through the lens of others' playing for power and as a result, this "sight" of hers effected everything that she did as well and encouraged her choices to continue to be plays for power. 

    I am very close to a few people who have a condition that is a common part of ADHD called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.  Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria affects the way in which they see the world in that they experience perceived slights as rejection.  This may sound familiar to some of you who may experience this in your own lives as well.  Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria means that if someone forgot to invite you to something, or didn't look at you while they were speaking, or said something in a way that could have been perceived as a slight, even if that was never the intention, you assume you are being rejected, you assume you aren't liked and aren't valued.  While this is a common part of ADHD, there is still some choice in this.  There are activities that encourage those with this condition to consider other possibilities for the behavior they saw as rejection.  If these activities are practiced with regularity, they can change the way the person sees and interacts with the world.  

       Another example: Once a person starts seeing the world as divided into "good" and "bad" it is easy to see that mirrored in the world.  By "easy," I mean just that.  Considering why a person or group of people behave in a certain way takes effort, it takes work to refrain from casting certain people or groups of people as "bad guys."  It also usually means a person has to be more self-reflective and look at their contributions to the negative behaviors in the world, and that can be very painful.  But that effort, that work is deeply worthwhile as we strive to heal the world, bring peace to the world, create a better world, and become more whole people ourselves.

       What do we choose to engage in with our eyes, our ears, our time?  Do we choose to invite into our beings the violence that is so prevalent on TV or in video games, or even in the news?  Do we try to balance the negative news we hear with positive news, reminding ourselves that there still is good in humanity and in the world?  (Because that is the solution here: ignoring the news is not a good option.  Choosing to balance it out with positive stories is more effective as well as healthier.) But more, how do we choose to see the world?  And can we choose to see with eyes of grace, compassion and love?  If we make that choice, how will our behaviors, and our very souls be impacted and effected?  I believe this choice would change each of us, and in doing so, has the potential to change the world for the better.