I've found myself thinking often about prejudice lately as I've been reading terrible newspaper articles about the different prejudices that are raising their heads more and more often, it seems, in horrific and violent ways. I think we probably all have certain prejudices, certain biases, some ways in which we are blind or unaware of things that hurt other groups of people, some stereotypes that affect the way we treat others, understand others or imagine others to be. Even people who work really hard to confront prejudices still have to begin that fight within themselves: looking at our own behaviors that still cause people of color, women, LGBTQ+ folk or others to be treated unfairly, to be pushed down economically or in terms of access to resources, to be treated as inferior or "less than" in one way or another. Some of the standard prejudices that are more often named in my own personal circles include racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, Islamophobia, prejudice against people of differing abilities... but lately I have been intrigued by the reality that even people who make their livelihoods fighting certain prejudices still often carry and enact other prejudices, usually ones they can't see, own or name. I know far too many people, for example, who are actively fighting racism, who are completely unaware of their own sexism and the behaviors they exhibit that harm people who are not cis-male. Others actively fighting sexism are prejudiced against LGBTQ+ folk. Some of this I struggle to understand. I have been contacted repeatedly recently by someone who has been harmed by and struggles to fight the prejudice against people with differing abilities and illnesses. At the same time, she is one of the most condemning and hateful people I know towards LGBTQ+ folk. Her words are venomous and her actions spiteful. And I am absolutely convinced that she does more harm towards these folk than she does good for the people with disabilities whom she is trying to help. It is even harder for me to understand when people are hating in the name of God. I've come to believe that we actually worship different gods. My God is accepting, loving, wants wholeness and justice and healing for all people, for all creation. The god some of these other people worship seems to be focused on judgment, condemnation and cruelty. I don't know that god, thankfully, and have only encountered him (yes, necessarily male, in this culture at least) through the eyes of those who worship him. Their worship of that angry, hateful entity scares me and I believe is the cause of much harm in our world.
I've also found myself becoming, once again, more aware of other, more subtle prejudices: ones that are not yet in the focus of our society, ones that are much more "acceptable" but every bit as harmful and may be a big part of the cause of at least some of the violence we've been seeing recently. It has been acceptable for quite some time now, for example, to express prejudice towards people who aren't as talented or gifted at social skills. There is a strong prejudice towards introverted people as well, a strong bias for those who are more charismatic and outgoing in our culture. I've found myself reflecting on this as I remembered a conversation in which an extremely socially gifted person wanted to start a support group but informed me that he did not want to invite "W" because... well, "W" just wouldn't fit in. Right. "W" has Asperger's. So, no, he would not fit in with this socially charismatic, popular, charming group of people. But he does need the support such a group would offer. He does need that friendship. He does need that care. The other folk in this group? Well, again, they are all charming, popular, charismatic folk. They don't actually NEED this support group, unlike the person being excluded. The person organizing the group prides himself on his awareness, on his care for the underdog, on his ability to empower the marginalized. But he fails to see this particular marginalized group, or to feel they are worthy of his support and care.
I am not immune to this either and I know this. I work hard to see, accept, love every person and to try to understand the ways in which I contribute to their well being or their marginalization. But I'm not always going to see it, it will always be something I work on, and sometimes, probably even often, I will get it wrong. Still, I try. I think learning our own prejudices and working to fight them is something God would call us to do. The call to love our neighbors as ourselves is a call to see them, understand them, empower them as we would want done for ourselves. My challenge, then, for all of us is to always look deeper at who we love, who we reject, and for what reasons. My challenge then is always to strive for more compassion, greater grace, and deeper commitment to empowering and uplifting one another.
Showing posts with label prejudice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prejudice. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Monday, June 26, 2017
On Being Humble
Genesis
21:8-20
Matthew
10:24-39
Have any of you, like Sarah in the
passage from Genesis, ever felt jealous and/or threatened by the power,
popularity, achievements or even just the potential of others? Even those who have less power and stature, like
Hagar, who was not Abraham’s wife, but his slave: still, Sarah felt threatened
- threatened that he had another child by another woman: threatened enough that
she wanted Hagar and her son sent away - in other words she wanted them dead
for a woman and her son would not survive in the wilderness apart from the
tribe. She felt so jealous and
threatened that she wanted Hagar and her son to die. She must have felt an amazing amount of pain
to feel so vindictive against Hagar and her son. And while we may not act on feelings of
jealousy or threat in such a way, almost all of us experience some degree of
jealousy, or threat to our sense of place and status at one point or
another. Most of us, I think, experience
situations and places where it is important to us that people know who we are,
what our status is, what our accomplishments are. We feel threatened and even angry or lost
when others don’t value us in the way we would like, recognizing us as loved,
as successful, as... whatever it is that matters to us.
When Jonah was eight he broke his collar bone at school. The school called me, told me he had fallen running and that I needed to pick him up and take him to emergency. When I got to the hospital, though, before I could tell the doctors and nurses that this had happened at school, I found the general assumption was that I had been abusing my child and that this was how his collar bone was broken. The hospital personnel had their
minds made up from the second we walked into the hospital as well. They barked at me, treating me as if I were an uneducated, uncaring, awful mother who
deserved to lose her child. They put him in a room that I was not allowed into while they "interviewed" him. I was already going through a horrible time
because I was worried about my son. But it was also a matter of humiliation for
me. I wanted to shout at them that I had
a degree in psychology, that I had a doctorate, that I was a pastor, that I had three children and
all of them were wonderful and amazing and brilliant despite the tragedies they
had experienced. I wanted to shove
layers of credentials in their faces because they made me feel little, small,
unworthy and un-valued. In the end, I found myself grateful that his accident had happened at school, even though he did not have the comfort of a parent with him, because the possible consequences of this having happened at home were made absolutely clear to me through that experience.
But I am not alone in this need to
be seen and valued. When I had surgery a
dozen years ago: the doctor came out to talk to my family about how the surgery
had gone, he still had on his scrubs, with a stethoscope around his neck, the
little mirror thing around his head: My family got a clear impression that this
was not so much that he felt in a hurry to talk to them as it was important to
him that the other people in the hospital know that he was a doctor, not one of
the patients, not a nurse, but a surgical doctor.
At Eldest’s school at one of the
back to school nights, I found myself talking with another parent whom I did
not know before and found that she was very quick to make sure I understood
that she was not just a mere parent at the school, but a teacher as well. Her sense of identity and sense of
accomplishment needed to be validated by my knowing she taught as well as
parented.
At many programs where the poor, homeless or marginalized are served, the volunteers all have name-tags stating their status as volunteers - distinguishing them from those who are being served. There are always reasons for doing this, some of which are good, valid, helpful. But at some level one has to ask what import it serves to separate us into categories in this way? For some of the volunteers, this distinction is important. For the newest volunteers especially, it can feel important to not be mistaken for a person in need.
At many programs where the poor, homeless or marginalized are served, the volunteers all have name-tags stating their status as volunteers - distinguishing them from those who are being served. There are always reasons for doing this, some of which are good, valid, helpful. But at some level one has to ask what import it serves to separate us into categories in this way? For some of the volunteers, this distinction is important. For the newest volunteers especially, it can feel important to not be mistaken for a person in need.
Again, I think we all have felt some
sense of threat to our identity at some point, some need to stand up and say,
“Wait! That’s not who I am! Look at what I’ve done, or who I know or who I
am!”
But today’s scriptures point out
several things.
We are told, first, that whatever is
not known will be known. All will be
revealed. In this context that means
that our real selves will be known, will be measured, will be opened for all to
see. And that real self is not going to
be judged by our status, our job, our accomplishments, our wealth or our
popularity. Our real self, our core self,
has to do with our care and love to God and God’s people. And by “care” I don’t mean the good works we
do so much as how we approach God’s people, all of God’s people every day. Even more, our real worth is a gift given to
all. For our real value, our worth is actually about the fact that we are
God’s children - all of us - none of us loved more highly than another, none of
us loved less highly than another. Jesus
assures us in this passage from Matthew that all will be known. At that time, we will be measured by our
hearts: and we will be found valuable simply by the fact that we are God’s
children. Those who would judge us then,
who would hurt us, who would take away our wealth, our popularity, our health,
our status, we are told, should not be feared because eventually their worth,
too, will be shown and all those marks of status we value so much in this life
will be found to be meaningless: those who would hurt us will also be shown as
the equal children of God that they are.
Even family connections, we are told, will be brought to nothing. Those then, who would separate us out, by our
lack of these things: connections, popularity, fortune, these who judge us and
put us down, who disrespect us, who treat us as “less than” are not to be
feared.
As the beginning of the Matthew
passage says, “A disciple is not above the teacher, nor a slave above the
master; it is enough for the disciple to be like the teacher, and the slave
like the master.” In other words, all
our attempts to be of more value than someone else have no worth. God calls us to be God’s servants, doing the
work of loving and caring for God’s creation.
That is our job. And that work is
not neat or tidy or beautiful or glorious: that is not work that will earn
human praise or honor: but it is the real work of being God’s people.
One summer while I was in college I
went to the most rural part of Alabama as a Volunteer in Mission for the
Methodist church. I worked that summer
for a parish - or a group of ten very small congregations spread out over this
very rural area: some of these churches had only 4 or 10 members, but they kept
on meeting, worshiping together. The
parish center united these ten churches but it did more than that. It ran a clothing thrift store, it kept a
food pantry, and most importantly it ran a building program. Groups of youth from around the state would
come to this parish spot for a week or two and help repair and build houses for
the poorest of the poor, the disabled, and the elderly: those without education
or income or anything except the little pieces of land or house passed down
through the generations. I came to this
program full of myself as a person who would go to seminary and become a
missionary, for that is what I believed I would do at the time. I went ready to be a community organizer and
to work hard with these youth groups and with this building project. But one week Dorsey, the pastor in charge of
this project, asked me to help out with the thrift store. I went in and Dorsey’s wife, who ran the
thrift store, asked me to go into the back room and sort through boxes of
donated clothes, helping to sort them by size, checking for holes, making sure
they all had price tags. I went back and
began to do as she said, but found that there wasn’t a lot for me to do. Most of this work had already been done, and
I began, after time spent mostly waiting and watching, to feel resentful
and even self-righteous about this. I
was a college student at Cal, I was going to be a pastor, I was going to be a
missionary, they were putting me in the “hang out with thrift store clothing”
box because I was female when I was just as capable as men to do other more
useful work, I was....this and this and this...all reasons why the work of
waiting, and the work of looking to see if anything else needed to be done, the
work of looking at old discarded clothing felt somehow below me. I hated this, and I made sure that message
was conveyed.
The next day Dorsey asked me to go
with him to a building site for a potential house. We went out and Dorsey and another man talked
about water and pipes while I stood impatiently to the side, uninvited into
this conversation, and standing around waiting once more. After twenty minutes of standing there Dorsey
said, “Barbara, please go get me my wrench.”
So I walked the two feet over to his tool box and brought him back his
wrench. I continued to stand there and
after another forty minutes had gone by he again addressed me, “Barbara, please
bring me my measuring tape.” I did so
and again stood around waiting. After
another half hour had passed I finally lost it and said, “Dorsey, is there
something useful I could be doing
here?” He looked up at me sternly for a
minute, then excused himself from the conversation with the other man and took
me around the corner for a lecture I will never forget. “Who are YOU?” he demanded “that this work is
too good for you? Who are YOU that you
decide what is useful and what is not? Who decides
what is God’s work? Who decides what is
needed? You will never be God’s servant
until you are able to see that God’s work is often the most humble of work,
often the least recognized work, often the least glorious work.”
He was right. And that day I learned a most humbling
lesson.
But it wasn’t the last day of my
lessons on humility for this summer.
Remember, as I said, the houses we were building and repairing were for
people who grew up in a very different culture and place than this. Many, most, had no education at all. Many times their rural southern accents were
so strong that they were almost speaking another language. This particular week the house the team
needed to repair belonged to an elderly man who had probably never been farther
than five miles from his little run-down house in his entire life. He had been born there, he had been raised
there. He lived in extreme poverty and
even squalor. And we came that week,
with a team of youth from the city to replace the original roof on this 100+
year old tiny and run-down abode. The
roof that was there hardly existed anymore.
So up we climbed onto the beams of the house, me and a team of six
teens, one of whom was an African American girl, no more than 14 years of
age. And as we laid black roofing
material in 100 degree humid weather and pounded nails into this man’s new
roof, he stood at the bottom, on the ground and shouted up at
us about how evil black people were. He
quoted scriptures that in his mind were proof of their inferiority and even
their lack of humanity. He stared at the
African American girl as she built him a new roof and cursed her, again and
again. And as I listened and watched,
incredulous, I noticed that the African American girl, who clearly heard every
arrogant, prejudiced word that this man said, still, despite everything, put
100% of her effort into doing a good job for this man. She never quarreled with him, she never
challenged his words: she just did her work.
I tried to challenge the man and was told by her to stop. At the end of the day we discussed the
situation and she told me that she did not believe this man would change
through argument or anger. She did not
believe the man would change old ingrained beliefs even through other
scriptural quotes. She said her job and
our jobs that week were not to change this man, to “educate” this man. Our job was to love this man by building him
a new roof. Our job was to be God’s
hands and feet and do our best to care even for those who would hate us. If God used that to change him, so be
it. If the man never changed, so be
it. But our job was clear.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Being Shut Down
Many people are shut down by others on a regular basis. These are people others don't want to hear for many reasons. Sometimes it is because they speak uncomfortable truths that we don't want to face. Sometimes it is because they call us on our stuff, stuff we aren't ready to look at or own. Sometimes it is because we don't value what the other person has to say, don't respect the other, or don't believe the other has any right or business weighing in on a particular issue. Sometime we fear there isn't "enough" and that others will take what we want, feel we deserve, or believe to be "ours" exclusively. Sometimes we are simply threatened, fearful or angered by some aspect of who they are. Richard Rohr and Scott Peck both describe (in different ways) "evil" as the projecting of some part of ourselves outward, a piece of ourselves that we cannot deal with, a "shadow" as it were, that we put out there somewhere and then work to destroy. When we can put our shadow on someone else, or a group of folk, we feel safer somehow...that thing that scares us so much is now out there and something we can actively destroy. The problems with this are obvious: the part of ourselves we can't face is still there, which means we need more and more "other" to shut down. We are damaging other people because we cannot face parts of our self. We demonize and villify the other and often cause more people to join us in our crusade against the "evil" other that is in fact nothing other than the parts of ourselves we can't accept. But people do this. Far too often, and far too much, people do this.
Sometimes it is individuals we shut down, who rub us wrong or who we again don't like or don't value or don't respect. Other times it is whole groups of people whose voices we shut down. We are afraid, we are angry, we are hating, and we don't want to hear from "them", whoever that may be, who represents "the other" for us. So we shut them down with our words, with our looks, with our lack of response, with our gossip, with our meanness, with our privilege, and, more and more in our culture, with our violence. We've been seeing this a great deal lately. We demonize African Americans, Muslims, immigrants, LGBTQ folk, sometimes cops or people of different political or religious beliefs, to name a few. We attack them because we fear them. And we fear them because it is easy to not deal with our own stuff but project it out and try to destroy it. That which we don't understand becomes an easy "blank slate" on which we write our own beliefs, our own agendas, and again, our own shadow side, which we then work to destroy. Any time we categorize a group of people, rather than looking at each person as the individual they are, we should be highly suspicious of our own motivation.
The affects on a person of being shut down vary, depending on how it is done, who does the shutting down and how connected and affective they are. But the reality is we have seen far too many people shut down permanently, killed, for no good reason at all (is there ever a good reason to shut down someone in this way?). When it is done by authority figures, by those who are respected, even if that respect is really just fear, then those authority figures often get away with that kind of behavior. The victim is victimized more as a person "at fault", "causing" their own demise. We see this not just with the killings, but with rape victims, domestic violence victims, victims of any violence - physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, too. We want the world to be just and fair. We want those we respect to be exhonerated, even if that means allowing others to be destroyed, and blaming the victims for their own victimization.
The thing is, every time we shut someone else down, we have forgotten that they are our brother or sister. We have forgotten that we are all one and are all connected at a very basic level. When we injure other people, we are lessened. When we hate other people, it is parts of ourselves we are hating. When we fear other people, we are failing to understand them. When we keep others from having what we have, we all have less. And often then, we set up an "us and them" dynamic that causes even more hate, even more fear, and even less understanding.
Bottom line: We have to stop killing people. We have to stop hating people. We have to stop fearing people. We have to stop shutting one another down. Instead, we have to remember that we are all family to each other and we have to start treating each other as such. Treating the other in the way they want to be treated. Listening, caring, working together to make the world a better place. Treating each person not as a member of a group, but as the individual person they are. No one should be excluded from the table. We have to find a way to include and invite everyone. When even one person is left out, we are all lessened. When even one person is killed part of each of us dies. When even one person is shut down, all our voices are weaker. When even one person is pushed aside, discounted, devalued, seen as invisible and unimportant and unworthy of our respect, all of us are made less important, less worthy and less whole.
We learn and love and walk this planet together. Or we fall - apart and alone.
I realize what I'm saying we need to do is not possible at this moment in time; that just saying we have to stop fear, hate, killing will not change things. But I also believe that we have a hand in creating the world in which we live. So for today I will work harder to see who it is that I fail to see, who it is I fail to hear, who it is I fail to offer compassion to. And I will work harder to choose differently.
Sometimes it is individuals we shut down, who rub us wrong or who we again don't like or don't value or don't respect. Other times it is whole groups of people whose voices we shut down. We are afraid, we are angry, we are hating, and we don't want to hear from "them", whoever that may be, who represents "the other" for us. So we shut them down with our words, with our looks, with our lack of response, with our gossip, with our meanness, with our privilege, and, more and more in our culture, with our violence. We've been seeing this a great deal lately. We demonize African Americans, Muslims, immigrants, LGBTQ folk, sometimes cops or people of different political or religious beliefs, to name a few. We attack them because we fear them. And we fear them because it is easy to not deal with our own stuff but project it out and try to destroy it. That which we don't understand becomes an easy "blank slate" on which we write our own beliefs, our own agendas, and again, our own shadow side, which we then work to destroy. Any time we categorize a group of people, rather than looking at each person as the individual they are, we should be highly suspicious of our own motivation.
The affects on a person of being shut down vary, depending on how it is done, who does the shutting down and how connected and affective they are. But the reality is we have seen far too many people shut down permanently, killed, for no good reason at all (is there ever a good reason to shut down someone in this way?). When it is done by authority figures, by those who are respected, even if that respect is really just fear, then those authority figures often get away with that kind of behavior. The victim is victimized more as a person "at fault", "causing" their own demise. We see this not just with the killings, but with rape victims, domestic violence victims, victims of any violence - physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, too. We want the world to be just and fair. We want those we respect to be exhonerated, even if that means allowing others to be destroyed, and blaming the victims for their own victimization.
The thing is, every time we shut someone else down, we have forgotten that they are our brother or sister. We have forgotten that we are all one and are all connected at a very basic level. When we injure other people, we are lessened. When we hate other people, it is parts of ourselves we are hating. When we fear other people, we are failing to understand them. When we keep others from having what we have, we all have less. And often then, we set up an "us and them" dynamic that causes even more hate, even more fear, and even less understanding.
Bottom line: We have to stop killing people. We have to stop hating people. We have to stop fearing people. We have to stop shutting one another down. Instead, we have to remember that we are all family to each other and we have to start treating each other as such. Treating the other in the way they want to be treated. Listening, caring, working together to make the world a better place. Treating each person not as a member of a group, but as the individual person they are. No one should be excluded from the table. We have to find a way to include and invite everyone. When even one person is left out, we are all lessened. When even one person is killed part of each of us dies. When even one person is shut down, all our voices are weaker. When even one person is pushed aside, discounted, devalued, seen as invisible and unimportant and unworthy of our respect, all of us are made less important, less worthy and less whole.
We learn and love and walk this planet together. Or we fall - apart and alone.
I realize what I'm saying we need to do is not possible at this moment in time; that just saying we have to stop fear, hate, killing will not change things. But I also believe that we have a hand in creating the world in which we live. So for today I will work harder to see who it is that I fail to see, who it is I fail to hear, who it is I fail to offer compassion to. And I will work harder to choose differently.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Judging Others Part I: Women and Size
I want to start this post by acknowledging that I am a small woman. I've always been a small woman. At my "biggest" (pregnant) I was still only about 20 pounds more than I currently am. Some might say therefore that I really have no place or no right to write about this. But I'm going to anyway because I think that if we don't stand WITH one another in whatever we are going through, then we truly will fall alone, each and every one of us. Also, I am hoping that maybe as an ally, as a "stand alongside" person, that maybe more people will hear this message than otherwise might.
So here's the bottom line - a person's size should not matter. Period.
For women especially there is such attention to size, such "concern" about size, but frankly, I see no real justification for this. It is blatant prejudice, judgment, meanness. But we hide our prejudice and judgments under the guise of "concern". We are "concerned" about the health of bigger people, we say. That's why their size matters to us, because we "care" about their health. That's B.S. Sorry, folks, but it is. If this judgment is out of concern about people's health, why are we not more "concerned" about women's health CARE? Why are women's health care issues so much more expensive to address? Why do we not fund more proactive women's health care if we are truly worried about this? Also, why are we not concerned about women who wear high healed shoes all the time, thus injuring their backs? Or those who spend so much time in the sun, thus exposing themselves to skin cancer? Why are we not more concerned about how much alcohol or caffeine others consume? Why do we not care more about artificial sweeteners and pesticides? Why do we feel it is okay for women to inject their faces with a poison in order to minimize wrinkles? Or to have elaborate surgeries to change their shape when it is unnecessary for health reasons? And the thing is, even when we are concerned about those things, we are concerned about those things, not about the people who participate in them. We don't carry the same judgments, and we certainly don't express those judgments. We understand that would be rude, would be unkind, is frankly none of our business. But somehow we justify our prejudice, our meanness towards larger people under the guise of "concern" for their health. (A big part of the irony of this is that if we weren't so attacking and judgmental, people would probably find it much easier to lose weight if they chose to do so. That judgment itself makes it so very hard to shed the pounds that can sometimes act as a buffer between ourselves and those judgments.)
But as I've thought about women and size, I've wondered if the issue might not go deeper. Why is it that we want our women to be so small? Again, I do not accept the answer that we are worried about their health. That's bogus. No, I think it may come back to power, to fear, and to control. We have valued women being so small that they almost disappear. Too many women have died from anorexia or bulemia, too many women suffer health issues for being underweight (but again we aren't judging them are we?). I wonder if there isn't instead a fear of women becoming too big because size is power, is influence. We shrink our women by paying them less. We shrink our women by setting a glass ceiling beyond which it is hard to rise. We shrink our women by taking away reproductive rights and control over their own bodies. We shrink our women by blaming them for their own abuse, rape, victimization, thereby allowing their abusers to continue to claim "power over" by not holding them accountable for it. And we shrink our women literally by insisting that they are not worth as much, that they are not worth our time and attention, that they are not worth being paid as much, or being able to do what they want (especially if that involves going into acting, singing, modelling, etc.) if they are not tiny.
Some women are bigger than life. And somehow that scares us. So we control it. In my humble opinion it would do us well to rejoice in that bigger than life quality, to celebrate it, and to see what amazing things women (all people, really) can do, regardless of their size. We are the ones who miss out by shrinking others, or even by allowing them to be shrunk by those around them. Personally, I'm moving from being a person who was always careful about staying small, to finding that there are times I wish I were bigger: bigger in confidence, bigger in courage, bigger in joy. Maybe that needs to start by claiming the space that I take up rather than striving always to be smaller than I physically am.
I want to own that all of us are affected by the judgments that our society has about bigger people, and so I apologize for anything I may have inadvertently said that judges size. I will strive to do better, too. But as a society it is something we need to work on. People of all sizes are beautiful. Let us strive to not be intimidated or scared into meanness by the power, the size, the beauty of others.
--
After writing the above a friend sent me this link to a program that NPR did on this topic. It was very well done and worth listening to as well!! Click the link below to hear or read it:
"Tell me I'm Fat"
So here's the bottom line - a person's size should not matter. Period.
For women especially there is such attention to size, such "concern" about size, but frankly, I see no real justification for this. It is blatant prejudice, judgment, meanness. But we hide our prejudice and judgments under the guise of "concern". We are "concerned" about the health of bigger people, we say. That's why their size matters to us, because we "care" about their health. That's B.S. Sorry, folks, but it is. If this judgment is out of concern about people's health, why are we not more "concerned" about women's health CARE? Why are women's health care issues so much more expensive to address? Why do we not fund more proactive women's health care if we are truly worried about this? Also, why are we not concerned about women who wear high healed shoes all the time, thus injuring their backs? Or those who spend so much time in the sun, thus exposing themselves to skin cancer? Why are we not more concerned about how much alcohol or caffeine others consume? Why do we not care more about artificial sweeteners and pesticides? Why do we feel it is okay for women to inject their faces with a poison in order to minimize wrinkles? Or to have elaborate surgeries to change their shape when it is unnecessary for health reasons? And the thing is, even when we are concerned about those things, we are concerned about those things, not about the people who participate in them. We don't carry the same judgments, and we certainly don't express those judgments. We understand that would be rude, would be unkind, is frankly none of our business. But somehow we justify our prejudice, our meanness towards larger people under the guise of "concern" for their health. (A big part of the irony of this is that if we weren't so attacking and judgmental, people would probably find it much easier to lose weight if they chose to do so. That judgment itself makes it so very hard to shed the pounds that can sometimes act as a buffer between ourselves and those judgments.)
But as I've thought about women and size, I've wondered if the issue might not go deeper. Why is it that we want our women to be so small? Again, I do not accept the answer that we are worried about their health. That's bogus. No, I think it may come back to power, to fear, and to control. We have valued women being so small that they almost disappear. Too many women have died from anorexia or bulemia, too many women suffer health issues for being underweight (but again we aren't judging them are we?). I wonder if there isn't instead a fear of women becoming too big because size is power, is influence. We shrink our women by paying them less. We shrink our women by setting a glass ceiling beyond which it is hard to rise. We shrink our women by taking away reproductive rights and control over their own bodies. We shrink our women by blaming them for their own abuse, rape, victimization, thereby allowing their abusers to continue to claim "power over" by not holding them accountable for it. And we shrink our women literally by insisting that they are not worth as much, that they are not worth our time and attention, that they are not worth being paid as much, or being able to do what they want (especially if that involves going into acting, singing, modelling, etc.) if they are not tiny.
Some women are bigger than life. And somehow that scares us. So we control it. In my humble opinion it would do us well to rejoice in that bigger than life quality, to celebrate it, and to see what amazing things women (all people, really) can do, regardless of their size. We are the ones who miss out by shrinking others, or even by allowing them to be shrunk by those around them. Personally, I'm moving from being a person who was always careful about staying small, to finding that there are times I wish I were bigger: bigger in confidence, bigger in courage, bigger in joy. Maybe that needs to start by claiming the space that I take up rather than striving always to be smaller than I physically am.
I want to own that all of us are affected by the judgments that our society has about bigger people, and so I apologize for anything I may have inadvertently said that judges size. I will strive to do better, too. But as a society it is something we need to work on. People of all sizes are beautiful. Let us strive to not be intimidated or scared into meanness by the power, the size, the beauty of others.
--
After writing the above a friend sent me this link to a program that NPR did on this topic. It was very well done and worth listening to as well!! Click the link below to hear or read it:
"Tell me I'm Fat"
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Anger, Hate, and Evil
Yes, I am using the "e" word. I've seen so much anger and hate over the last two days, so much that just is beyond comprehension to me that I actually am beginning to wonder if there aren't people who choose evil. I usually try to approach every single person with compassion. I assume that people who are raging at others for no apparent reason simply are having a bad day and are handling it poorly. Maybe they are having a bad life and are handling it poorly. I assume that people who do racist, hating behaviors just haven't been educated, or are simply so afraid of what they don't understand that they are trying to protect themselves with anger and hate. I assume that the hate and fear industry (and yes, there is one) is profiting at the expense of people already angry and hateful by raising their fear to such levels that they simply can't see straight and are seriously trying to make their worlds safer with these crazy raging, hateful behaviors. I assume that people who mistreat others are generally people who've been mistreated; that Scott Peck was right when he talked about projecting those parts of ourselves that we don't like out onto other people and then acting to destroy it - that this is why people do evil. They don't set out to do wrong, they just can't deal with parts of themselves and so they act that out in these evil ways.
But I think I may be coming to the limit of my ability to believe that this is always true. I keep reading about Narcissists and the damage they do to others because they truly are unable to empathize. It goes even farther with psychopaths and sociopaths. Still, I've mostly clung to the belief that these folk don't choose their personality disorder or their mental illness. They have it, and so far we haven't found a whole lot of cures for these things. Plus mostly the people who have these conditions don't necessarily want to be "cured" because that would involve feeling, and feeling remorse for what they've done which is one of the most painful states of being.
Yet, when I see the amount of anger that is proportioned so outrageously in response to...well, often to NOTHING, I just have to wonder. What have we become? Why are we so angry? Why are we heading down this path of such meanness, often to people we don't even know? And more, what can we possibly do about it?
I remain convinced of the truth of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr when he said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Of course he was actually paraphrasing 1 John 4:18 (after all, he was a pastor): "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Hate/fear/anger. All the same. And none of them can be solved or stopped or healed by more fear, more anger, or more hate. Revenge will never heal these things, it will only escalate the problems. Returning evil for evil will never destroy evil. Therefore, for those of us who truly want to make a difference in terms of promoting peace, love, kindness and compassion, I don't think there is a lot of choice in how we respond to the hate, anger and fear that will, it seems, come more and more our way.
I read a story on the internet a few days ago about an African American mom and her son who were picking up food at McDonalds in the Drive through. Some mean spirited person behind them in line shouted out some very attacking and racist remarks. The mother's response was to pay for the man's lunch and to write a note that said, "We are not what you called us. We forgive you. Have a good lunch." Wow.
I found myself truly moved, both with rage at what had been done to them, but also with a sense of awe for the courage that that mother showed, the choice she made to show love in the face of evil, and to teach her son a better way. As she said, "It is easy to respond to kindness with kindness. It is a much bigger thing to respond to evil with kindness." Again, she was just paraphrasing another scripture, Matthew 5:46, “If you love only those who love you, what reward do you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same?"
We had our panel the other night of Muslim speakers who came to share with us what it has been like to be Muslim in the United States at this time, what they have experienced, what they are grateful for, who they are, what they think, etc. It was incredibly informative and helpful. They took a great risk and effort (they were not paid) to take time off from their lives to come and speak to our churches in Clayton. But I understand that they were harrassed as they left. All of these speakers were amazing folk - one of them was THE primary engineer on the Hubble Telescope as well as one of those who worked on the Apollo. With his handful of PhDs, this man was absolutely incredible, along with the rest of them in what they have contribued to society and to the world, and they took time to speak with us, share with us, answer our questions, our concerns, our fears. They were rewarded for that with meanness. But again, they chose to act in a more "Christian" way than those who were yelling at them in the parking lot. They responded with dignity, grace, and peace. And again, I found myself moved, both in rage at what they experienced by people who claim to believe in the One who said, (again Matthew 5:43 on..) "You have heard that it was said, You must love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who harass you so that you will be acting as children of your Parent who is in heaven. God makes the sun rise on both the evil and the good and sends rain on both the righteous and the unrighteous. ..", but also moved by their choice to choose peace, to choose compassion, to choose love in face of that nastiness.
I want to choose the same. But it is not always easy. The other day I was walking in a parking lot at the store and was about to get to my car to put in my groceries, when some rageful person started cussing me out. I have no idea why. I assumed it was because they wanted me to move faster to get my groceries in the car so they could have the spot, but honestly I don't know why. I wasn't going to listen to that kind of language, so I don't know what the message was underneath it. But I thought about these other examples that I've seen recently. And I chose then to wave, to smile, and to quickly get my groceries into the car so that he could have the spot. He did not take the spot, but continued to shriek. I still have not one clue about why. I asked Eldest if she could see why he was so angry, but she said "no", and finally we drove out of the parking lot and were on our way. I acted the way I wanted to act. I acted with the peace and compassion I choose to demonstrate. But I have to admit, I did not feel peaceful at all. I was shaking with anger, with fear, with visions of yelling back about how that was not language that was appropriate for my kids to hear. I felt torn up inside by a person I don't know, will never meet, who was just... ANGRY. It didn't make me feel better to act with kindness. It did not make me feel better to be kind in the face of that kind of anger/hate. But it didn't make me feel worse either. If I'd acted in anger, I would have felt more angry. If I'd chosen rage, I probably would feel some guilt on top of everything else.
There is a saying in many 12 step programs which is "Act as If." The theory behind it is that you act your way into being someone else. Act as if you are a peaceful person and you will become one. Act as if you are no longer angry and you will stop being angry. Act happy and calm and confident and those feelings and attributes will follow. That is my choice for now. I don't know that it will always work. I don't know that I can always think of the kind way to respond in the face of anger or hate. But I can try. I can try. And perhaps in trying, I will become what I want to be.
I may not change the world. I may make no difference at all in the scheme of things. But I also will not let the world make me more angry, hateful or fearful. I don't choose that, for myself or for those around me who are affected by my behavior. For today, I pray that is enough.
But I think I may be coming to the limit of my ability to believe that this is always true. I keep reading about Narcissists and the damage they do to others because they truly are unable to empathize. It goes even farther with psychopaths and sociopaths. Still, I've mostly clung to the belief that these folk don't choose their personality disorder or their mental illness. They have it, and so far we haven't found a whole lot of cures for these things. Plus mostly the people who have these conditions don't necessarily want to be "cured" because that would involve feeling, and feeling remorse for what they've done which is one of the most painful states of being.
Yet, when I see the amount of anger that is proportioned so outrageously in response to...well, often to NOTHING, I just have to wonder. What have we become? Why are we so angry? Why are we heading down this path of such meanness, often to people we don't even know? And more, what can we possibly do about it?
I remain convinced of the truth of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr when he said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Of course he was actually paraphrasing 1 John 4:18 (after all, he was a pastor): "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Hate/fear/anger. All the same. And none of them can be solved or stopped or healed by more fear, more anger, or more hate. Revenge will never heal these things, it will only escalate the problems. Returning evil for evil will never destroy evil. Therefore, for those of us who truly want to make a difference in terms of promoting peace, love, kindness and compassion, I don't think there is a lot of choice in how we respond to the hate, anger and fear that will, it seems, come more and more our way.
I read a story on the internet a few days ago about an African American mom and her son who were picking up food at McDonalds in the Drive through. Some mean spirited person behind them in line shouted out some very attacking and racist remarks. The mother's response was to pay for the man's lunch and to write a note that said, "We are not what you called us. We forgive you. Have a good lunch." Wow.
I found myself truly moved, both with rage at what had been done to them, but also with a sense of awe for the courage that that mother showed, the choice she made to show love in the face of evil, and to teach her son a better way. As she said, "It is easy to respond to kindness with kindness. It is a much bigger thing to respond to evil with kindness." Again, she was just paraphrasing another scripture, Matthew 5:46, “If you love only those who love you, what reward do you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same?"
We had our panel the other night of Muslim speakers who came to share with us what it has been like to be Muslim in the United States at this time, what they have experienced, what they are grateful for, who they are, what they think, etc. It was incredibly informative and helpful. They took a great risk and effort (they were not paid) to take time off from their lives to come and speak to our churches in Clayton. But I understand that they were harrassed as they left. All of these speakers were amazing folk - one of them was THE primary engineer on the Hubble Telescope as well as one of those who worked on the Apollo. With his handful of PhDs, this man was absolutely incredible, along with the rest of them in what they have contribued to society and to the world, and they took time to speak with us, share with us, answer our questions, our concerns, our fears. They were rewarded for that with meanness. But again, they chose to act in a more "Christian" way than those who were yelling at them in the parking lot. They responded with dignity, grace, and peace. And again, I found myself moved, both in rage at what they experienced by people who claim to believe in the One who said, (again Matthew 5:43 on..) "You have heard that it was said, You must love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who harass you so that you will be acting as children of your Parent who is in heaven. God makes the sun rise on both the evil and the good and sends rain on both the righteous and the unrighteous. ..", but also moved by their choice to choose peace, to choose compassion, to choose love in face of that nastiness.
I want to choose the same. But it is not always easy. The other day I was walking in a parking lot at the store and was about to get to my car to put in my groceries, when some rageful person started cussing me out. I have no idea why. I assumed it was because they wanted me to move faster to get my groceries in the car so they could have the spot, but honestly I don't know why. I wasn't going to listen to that kind of language, so I don't know what the message was underneath it. But I thought about these other examples that I've seen recently. And I chose then to wave, to smile, and to quickly get my groceries into the car so that he could have the spot. He did not take the spot, but continued to shriek. I still have not one clue about why. I asked Eldest if she could see why he was so angry, but she said "no", and finally we drove out of the parking lot and were on our way. I acted the way I wanted to act. I acted with the peace and compassion I choose to demonstrate. But I have to admit, I did not feel peaceful at all. I was shaking with anger, with fear, with visions of yelling back about how that was not language that was appropriate for my kids to hear. I felt torn up inside by a person I don't know, will never meet, who was just... ANGRY. It didn't make me feel better to act with kindness. It did not make me feel better to be kind in the face of that kind of anger/hate. But it didn't make me feel worse either. If I'd acted in anger, I would have felt more angry. If I'd chosen rage, I probably would feel some guilt on top of everything else.
There is a saying in many 12 step programs which is "Act as If." The theory behind it is that you act your way into being someone else. Act as if you are a peaceful person and you will become one. Act as if you are no longer angry and you will stop being angry. Act happy and calm and confident and those feelings and attributes will follow. That is my choice for now. I don't know that it will always work. I don't know that I can always think of the kind way to respond in the face of anger or hate. But I can try. I can try. And perhaps in trying, I will become what I want to be.
I may not change the world. I may make no difference at all in the scheme of things. But I also will not let the world make me more angry, hateful or fearful. I don't choose that, for myself or for those around me who are affected by my behavior. For today, I pray that is enough.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Prejudice? Choices? Acceptance?
This weekend I saw a musical out at Near West Theater called Side Show. It was extremely well done and an amazing show. It was also very thought provoking. This is a spoiler alert - if you plan to see this and haven't, you may not want to read any further. For the rest of you - the show is the story of conjoined twins who were working for a side show as "freaks" when they were discovered and brought to Vaudeville to sing. At one point in the story, though, one of the other "freaks" at the side show admits to one of the twins that he is deeply in love with her and that it doesn't matter to him that she is connected to someone else (literally). But this particular twin decides not to be with this man because he is a "freak" (and I still remain unsure about why the world considered him this way....it might be his ethnic heritage, ie color? This took place in the 1930's so that is a possibility, but I was really unclear about this) and is not accepted by society, and she fears that she would never live a "normal" life with this man if she chose him. Of course the irony of this, the tragedy of this, is a key element in the story. But it has me thinking, hard.
I spent time as a volunteer in mission in North Carolina right after college. And I lived with a community that had run a shelter for homeless folk as well as battered and abused women. One of the homeless men came to me one day in a complete drunken stupor, confessed his undying love for me, and then accused me of being prejudiced when I gently informed him that I was not interested. He was an African American man and he was accusing me of rejecting him for his skin color. I have dated people of many different ethnicities and I was not rejecting him because of his color. But I WAS rejecting him because 1. He was an alcoholic 2. He was homeless, and as far as I could tell, had always been and probably would always be. 3.He was completely uneducated (I think finished 7th grade?). So despite the fact that my prejudice was not in the way he thought, none the less, his accusation that I was prejudiced stayed with me. Is it prejudice to decide not to be with someone because of a condition such as alcoholism? Is it prejudiced to decide not to even consider someone because they live on the street and have no education? Well, to be really honest, these are prejudices. They are.
We should choose partners and friends based on real connections, and love and trust, etc. I'm not denying that. But to fail to even consider someone because of something like income, or education or a condition such as alcoholism - that is to fail to really see a person, and therefore those are reactions of prejudice. If I could have put aside those prejudices would I have chosen to be with this man? No. We had nothing in common, our values, our world views, our life styles, our goals for life - everything was different. But it still was prejudice to not even look at him because of some of these other issues. I can't deny that. And the musical brought that back for me.
The reality is that we all judge people. We judge them for their heritage, or their gender, or their sexual orientation or their age, or any disability they might have. We judge people because of the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they carry themselves and their personal habits. We judge them because of their values, their way of life, the way they dress, where they were born, their accents. We judge them because of their friends, their income level, their social status, their education level, their politics, their religion. Or we judge them because of their personalities, the way they deal with anger, the way they deal with stress, the way they treat us and others. All of these are judgments. Some we have deemed "acceptable" judgments, but I wonder if any of them really are? We know it isn't right to judge people based on their skin color, their heritage, their gender, their sexual-orientation (well, many of us know this...some don't), or any disability they might have. But what about age? Most people hang around with people who are closer to their own age (what a loss for those people - I learn so much both from those younger and those older: those age differences and differences in world views are such gifts to me!) - most people seem to find that ageism acceptable. What about someone with Asperger's? These are people who are not as well accepted by society - we don't want to befriend those who don't "get" the social rules, but isn't that a prejudice against a "hidden" disability? Most of those who are uneducated or economically poor were raised in households that didn't have the means to support education or a higher standard of living. Is that their fault then? I could go on, but I think you get the idea. We all judge. Those judgments are usually unfair in one way or another. And those judgments always hurt. From a faith perspective, we are told "do not judge lest ye be judged," but we are all judged and we all judge. We all have prejudices of one kind or another. And none of them should really be acceptable.
The goal then is to see people, to love people, to choose people, no matter what. To put aside judgments, to put aside prejudices, to overcome hatred - no matter what.
I'm not suggesting we partner with everyone, to be clear. I still think choosing for our intimate relationships people with whom we share some commonalities, especially in the way we live, is very important to their happiness as well as ours. But I am saying that we are called again to strive for that unconditional love that God calls us to and that calls us to see deeper, to love without expectation of return, and to let go of our judgments, prejudices, and fear.
I spent time as a volunteer in mission in North Carolina right after college. And I lived with a community that had run a shelter for homeless folk as well as battered and abused women. One of the homeless men came to me one day in a complete drunken stupor, confessed his undying love for me, and then accused me of being prejudiced when I gently informed him that I was not interested. He was an African American man and he was accusing me of rejecting him for his skin color. I have dated people of many different ethnicities and I was not rejecting him because of his color. But I WAS rejecting him because 1. He was an alcoholic 2. He was homeless, and as far as I could tell, had always been and probably would always be. 3.He was completely uneducated (I think finished 7th grade?). So despite the fact that my prejudice was not in the way he thought, none the less, his accusation that I was prejudiced stayed with me. Is it prejudice to decide not to be with someone because of a condition such as alcoholism? Is it prejudiced to decide not to even consider someone because they live on the street and have no education? Well, to be really honest, these are prejudices. They are.
We should choose partners and friends based on real connections, and love and trust, etc. I'm not denying that. But to fail to even consider someone because of something like income, or education or a condition such as alcoholism - that is to fail to really see a person, and therefore those are reactions of prejudice. If I could have put aside those prejudices would I have chosen to be with this man? No. We had nothing in common, our values, our world views, our life styles, our goals for life - everything was different. But it still was prejudice to not even look at him because of some of these other issues. I can't deny that. And the musical brought that back for me.
The reality is that we all judge people. We judge them for their heritage, or their gender, or their sexual orientation or their age, or any disability they might have. We judge people because of the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they carry themselves and their personal habits. We judge them because of their values, their way of life, the way they dress, where they were born, their accents. We judge them because of their friends, their income level, their social status, their education level, their politics, their religion. Or we judge them because of their personalities, the way they deal with anger, the way they deal with stress, the way they treat us and others. All of these are judgments. Some we have deemed "acceptable" judgments, but I wonder if any of them really are? We know it isn't right to judge people based on their skin color, their heritage, their gender, their sexual-orientation (well, many of us know this...some don't), or any disability they might have. But what about age? Most people hang around with people who are closer to their own age (what a loss for those people - I learn so much both from those younger and those older: those age differences and differences in world views are such gifts to me!) - most people seem to find that ageism acceptable. What about someone with Asperger's? These are people who are not as well accepted by society - we don't want to befriend those who don't "get" the social rules, but isn't that a prejudice against a "hidden" disability? Most of those who are uneducated or economically poor were raised in households that didn't have the means to support education or a higher standard of living. Is that their fault then? I could go on, but I think you get the idea. We all judge. Those judgments are usually unfair in one way or another. And those judgments always hurt. From a faith perspective, we are told "do not judge lest ye be judged," but we are all judged and we all judge. We all have prejudices of one kind or another. And none of them should really be acceptable.
The goal then is to see people, to love people, to choose people, no matter what. To put aside judgments, to put aside prejudices, to overcome hatred - no matter what.
I'm not suggesting we partner with everyone, to be clear. I still think choosing for our intimate relationships people with whom we share some commonalities, especially in the way we live, is very important to their happiness as well as ours. But I am saying that we are called again to strive for that unconditional love that God calls us to and that calls us to see deeper, to love without expectation of return, and to let go of our judgments, prejudices, and fear.
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