I've found myself thinking often about prejudice lately as I've been reading terrible newspaper articles about the different prejudices that are raising their heads more and more often, it seems, in horrific and violent ways. I think we probably all have certain prejudices, certain biases, some ways in which we are blind or unaware of things that hurt other groups of people, some stereotypes that affect the way we treat others, understand others or imagine others to be. Even people who work really hard to confront prejudices still have to begin that fight within themselves: looking at our own behaviors that still cause people of color, women, LGBTQ+ folk or others to be treated unfairly, to be pushed down economically or in terms of access to resources, to be treated as inferior or "less than" in one way or another. Some of the standard prejudices that are more often named in my own personal circles include racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, Islamophobia, prejudice against people of differing abilities... but lately I have been intrigued by the reality that even people who make their livelihoods fighting certain prejudices still often carry and enact other prejudices, usually ones they can't see, own or name. I know far too many people, for example, who are actively fighting racism, who are completely unaware of their own sexism and the behaviors they exhibit that harm people who are not cis-male. Others actively fighting sexism are prejudiced against LGBTQ+ folk. Some of this I struggle to understand. I have been contacted repeatedly recently by someone who has been harmed by and struggles to fight the prejudice against people with differing abilities and illnesses. At the same time, she is one of the most condemning and hateful people I know towards LGBTQ+ folk. Her words are venomous and her actions spiteful. And I am absolutely convinced that she does more harm towards these folk than she does good for the people with disabilities whom she is trying to help. It is even harder for me to understand when people are hating in the name of God. I've come to believe that we actually worship different gods. My God is accepting, loving, wants wholeness and justice and healing for all people, for all creation. The god some of these other people worship seems to be focused on judgment, condemnation and cruelty. I don't know that god, thankfully, and have only encountered him (yes, necessarily male, in this culture at least) through the eyes of those who worship him. Their worship of that angry, hateful entity scares me and I believe is the cause of much harm in our world.
I've also found myself becoming, once again, more aware of other, more subtle prejudices: ones that are not yet in the focus of our society, ones that are much more "acceptable" but every bit as harmful and may be a big part of the cause of at least some of the violence we've been seeing recently. It has been acceptable for quite some time now, for example, to express prejudice towards people who aren't as talented or gifted at social skills. There is a strong prejudice towards introverted people as well, a strong bias for those who are more charismatic and outgoing in our culture. I've found myself reflecting on this as I remembered a conversation in which an extremely socially gifted person wanted to start a support group but informed me that he did not want to invite "W" because... well, "W" just wouldn't fit in. Right. "W" has Asperger's. So, no, he would not fit in with this socially charismatic, popular, charming group of people. But he does need the support such a group would offer. He does need that friendship. He does need that care. The other folk in this group? Well, again, they are all charming, popular, charismatic folk. They don't actually NEED this support group, unlike the person being excluded. The person organizing the group prides himself on his awareness, on his care for the underdog, on his ability to empower the marginalized. But he fails to see this particular marginalized group, or to feel they are worthy of his support and care.
I am not immune to this either and I know this. I work hard to see, accept, love every person and to try to understand the ways in which I contribute to their well being or their marginalization. But I'm not always going to see it, it will always be something I work on, and sometimes, probably even often, I will get it wrong. Still, I try. I think learning our own prejudices and working to fight them is something God would call us to do. The call to love our neighbors as ourselves is a call to see them, understand them, empower them as we would want done for ourselves. My challenge, then, for all of us is to always look deeper at who we love, who we reject, and for what reasons. My challenge then is always to strive for more compassion, greater grace, and deeper commitment to empowering and uplifting one another.
Showing posts with label discrimination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discrimination. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Monday, July 11, 2016
Being Shut Down
Many people are shut down by others on a regular basis. These are people others don't want to hear for many reasons. Sometimes it is because they speak uncomfortable truths that we don't want to face. Sometimes it is because they call us on our stuff, stuff we aren't ready to look at or own. Sometimes it is because we don't value what the other person has to say, don't respect the other, or don't believe the other has any right or business weighing in on a particular issue. Sometime we fear there isn't "enough" and that others will take what we want, feel we deserve, or believe to be "ours" exclusively. Sometimes we are simply threatened, fearful or angered by some aspect of who they are. Richard Rohr and Scott Peck both describe (in different ways) "evil" as the projecting of some part of ourselves outward, a piece of ourselves that we cannot deal with, a "shadow" as it were, that we put out there somewhere and then work to destroy. When we can put our shadow on someone else, or a group of folk, we feel safer somehow...that thing that scares us so much is now out there and something we can actively destroy. The problems with this are obvious: the part of ourselves we can't face is still there, which means we need more and more "other" to shut down. We are damaging other people because we cannot face parts of our self. We demonize and villify the other and often cause more people to join us in our crusade against the "evil" other that is in fact nothing other than the parts of ourselves we can't accept. But people do this. Far too often, and far too much, people do this.
Sometimes it is individuals we shut down, who rub us wrong or who we again don't like or don't value or don't respect. Other times it is whole groups of people whose voices we shut down. We are afraid, we are angry, we are hating, and we don't want to hear from "them", whoever that may be, who represents "the other" for us. So we shut them down with our words, with our looks, with our lack of response, with our gossip, with our meanness, with our privilege, and, more and more in our culture, with our violence. We've been seeing this a great deal lately. We demonize African Americans, Muslims, immigrants, LGBTQ folk, sometimes cops or people of different political or religious beliefs, to name a few. We attack them because we fear them. And we fear them because it is easy to not deal with our own stuff but project it out and try to destroy it. That which we don't understand becomes an easy "blank slate" on which we write our own beliefs, our own agendas, and again, our own shadow side, which we then work to destroy. Any time we categorize a group of people, rather than looking at each person as the individual they are, we should be highly suspicious of our own motivation.
The affects on a person of being shut down vary, depending on how it is done, who does the shutting down and how connected and affective they are. But the reality is we have seen far too many people shut down permanently, killed, for no good reason at all (is there ever a good reason to shut down someone in this way?). When it is done by authority figures, by those who are respected, even if that respect is really just fear, then those authority figures often get away with that kind of behavior. The victim is victimized more as a person "at fault", "causing" their own demise. We see this not just with the killings, but with rape victims, domestic violence victims, victims of any violence - physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, too. We want the world to be just and fair. We want those we respect to be exhonerated, even if that means allowing others to be destroyed, and blaming the victims for their own victimization.
The thing is, every time we shut someone else down, we have forgotten that they are our brother or sister. We have forgotten that we are all one and are all connected at a very basic level. When we injure other people, we are lessened. When we hate other people, it is parts of ourselves we are hating. When we fear other people, we are failing to understand them. When we keep others from having what we have, we all have less. And often then, we set up an "us and them" dynamic that causes even more hate, even more fear, and even less understanding.
Bottom line: We have to stop killing people. We have to stop hating people. We have to stop fearing people. We have to stop shutting one another down. Instead, we have to remember that we are all family to each other and we have to start treating each other as such. Treating the other in the way they want to be treated. Listening, caring, working together to make the world a better place. Treating each person not as a member of a group, but as the individual person they are. No one should be excluded from the table. We have to find a way to include and invite everyone. When even one person is left out, we are all lessened. When even one person is killed part of each of us dies. When even one person is shut down, all our voices are weaker. When even one person is pushed aside, discounted, devalued, seen as invisible and unimportant and unworthy of our respect, all of us are made less important, less worthy and less whole.
We learn and love and walk this planet together. Or we fall - apart and alone.
I realize what I'm saying we need to do is not possible at this moment in time; that just saying we have to stop fear, hate, killing will not change things. But I also believe that we have a hand in creating the world in which we live. So for today I will work harder to see who it is that I fail to see, who it is I fail to hear, who it is I fail to offer compassion to. And I will work harder to choose differently.
Sometimes it is individuals we shut down, who rub us wrong or who we again don't like or don't value or don't respect. Other times it is whole groups of people whose voices we shut down. We are afraid, we are angry, we are hating, and we don't want to hear from "them", whoever that may be, who represents "the other" for us. So we shut them down with our words, with our looks, with our lack of response, with our gossip, with our meanness, with our privilege, and, more and more in our culture, with our violence. We've been seeing this a great deal lately. We demonize African Americans, Muslims, immigrants, LGBTQ folk, sometimes cops or people of different political or religious beliefs, to name a few. We attack them because we fear them. And we fear them because it is easy to not deal with our own stuff but project it out and try to destroy it. That which we don't understand becomes an easy "blank slate" on which we write our own beliefs, our own agendas, and again, our own shadow side, which we then work to destroy. Any time we categorize a group of people, rather than looking at each person as the individual they are, we should be highly suspicious of our own motivation.
The affects on a person of being shut down vary, depending on how it is done, who does the shutting down and how connected and affective they are. But the reality is we have seen far too many people shut down permanently, killed, for no good reason at all (is there ever a good reason to shut down someone in this way?). When it is done by authority figures, by those who are respected, even if that respect is really just fear, then those authority figures often get away with that kind of behavior. The victim is victimized more as a person "at fault", "causing" their own demise. We see this not just with the killings, but with rape victims, domestic violence victims, victims of any violence - physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, too. We want the world to be just and fair. We want those we respect to be exhonerated, even if that means allowing others to be destroyed, and blaming the victims for their own victimization.
The thing is, every time we shut someone else down, we have forgotten that they are our brother or sister. We have forgotten that we are all one and are all connected at a very basic level. When we injure other people, we are lessened. When we hate other people, it is parts of ourselves we are hating. When we fear other people, we are failing to understand them. When we keep others from having what we have, we all have less. And often then, we set up an "us and them" dynamic that causes even more hate, even more fear, and even less understanding.
Bottom line: We have to stop killing people. We have to stop hating people. We have to stop fearing people. We have to stop shutting one another down. Instead, we have to remember that we are all family to each other and we have to start treating each other as such. Treating the other in the way they want to be treated. Listening, caring, working together to make the world a better place. Treating each person not as a member of a group, but as the individual person they are. No one should be excluded from the table. We have to find a way to include and invite everyone. When even one person is left out, we are all lessened. When even one person is killed part of each of us dies. When even one person is shut down, all our voices are weaker. When even one person is pushed aside, discounted, devalued, seen as invisible and unimportant and unworthy of our respect, all of us are made less important, less worthy and less whole.
We learn and love and walk this planet together. Or we fall - apart and alone.
I realize what I'm saying we need to do is not possible at this moment in time; that just saying we have to stop fear, hate, killing will not change things. But I also believe that we have a hand in creating the world in which we live. So for today I will work harder to see who it is that I fail to see, who it is I fail to hear, who it is I fail to offer compassion to. And I will work harder to choose differently.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
The Festival - a bastian for continued sexism
We went to the Alameda County Fair yesterday. I always enjoy going and since it had been 8 or 9 years since I had gone, I was really looking forward to it. There were some really fun things at the fair. Pig racing was one highlight. Comedy shows, the interesting new fangled gadgets they try to sell you, the gardens, the animals, the music, people, art - all of it very interesting. We chose not to go on any of the rides. We thought about going, as a family, on the ferris wheel but it would have cost us $25 for the 2 minute ride and I could not justify that to myself in any kind of way. My daughter wanted to do that "walk on the water" thing where you basically get in a big plastic hamster wheel and spin around on the water. I would have let her do that, even though it was $10 per person, but by the time we were ready for it we'd "lost" where it was in the fair and since Alameda County Fair Grounds are huge, could not see taking the time to search it out. The cost of food... well, you know how these fair grounds are.
We had a great time. And yet, there were a few incidents that continue to rankle in my mind. The most noticeable had to do with the magic show we attended. The guy was over the top with his bad jokes and attempts to be funny. But I kind of get into that sort of thing. The rest of the crowd looked leery and weary of his antics after the first five minutes, but I tend to be more tolerant, especially when I can see someone is really trying. However, about 15 minutes into the show he asked for a child volunteer. He called up a little girl. He kept calling her "sweetheart" and saying he was going to find a husband for her because she was so pretty. That started setting me on edge, but I didn't think too much about it until he called an even littler boy up to the stage to "help" as well. At that point, he said that actually the boy was going to be the junior magician and the girl was to stand there and be his "beautiful assistant" because girls aren't the magicians, boys are, and the girl's job is to stand around and be beautiful. I was stunned. Floored. We are in the Bay Area, for heaven's sake! Do people still think that here?! Do people actually get away with saying stuff like this on STAGE?! He proceeded to work with the boy and let him do magic while the girl just stood there looking awkward, and at one point like she was about to cry. I was sitting next to my eldest daughter. My other two were on the other side of the semi circle on the ground. I could see their faces and I looked over at them to see if this was registering. They both looked happy and smiley and like nothing had just happened. My eldest poked me and said, "Why do you look so upset, Mama?"
"Did you not just hear what that man said?" I demanded of her.
"Oh. Well, yeah. I guess that wasn't right, was it?"
"Damn straight it wasn't right!"
What was more upsetting to me was that as soon as I could reunite with the younger two children and said something to them about what they heard and if they caught how wrong that was, they both said, "Well, that's the way people are, though, right? They think girls can't do what boys can do and they think it's okay to say that."
"What people are these?" I demanded.
"Well, everybody, Mama." They proceeded to tell me stories of things that had been said to them not just by peers but by teachers and relatives and other people we value who have basically let my girls know that their prospects were limited by their gender, that their roles in life are clearly laid out for them because they are female. My son quoted things too, but interestingly, he, too, felt imposed upon by these statements, that he was expected to be better than his sisters in a way he knew he could not be.
"But I've been trying to teach you something different!" I said.
"Well, yes, we know. And because of that we tend to see these things while other kids probably don't even see them," said eldest. "But still, how can we fight a whole culture that says we can't be or do what we want because of our gender? A culture that tells us who we are as females? Who we are expected to be, and how we are expected to behave as girls, and later as women?"
I had that conversation in my head the rest of the time we were there, and no doubt as a result of that I saw other things that I might not otherwise see. At the "games" area, the call remained, "Boys! Come win a stuffed animal for your sweetheart!" At the cookware show it was "Ladies, these pots and pans will serve you well as you cook for your husband!" At the garden show it was, "Ladies first!"
I am a female pastor serving a congregation. Because of that I think it is easy for me to forget that we have not come very far at all in so many ways in terms of equality issues, in terms of treating each person as the unique person they are rather than as a male, as a female, as a this, as a that.
I'd like to believe that somehow fairs are worse than other places, but I doubt that's true. I will continue to try to teach my kids a different way. But I realize I'm fighting an uphill battle if the messages they receive everywhere else continue to be ones that make women "less" and men "more". So I put this out there as well. Notice the messages out there that descriminate and limit people of any kind. Confront the messages. Challenge the messages. For the sake of all of us, try to treat each person as the individual they are. Try not to limit one another by gender or class or appearance or race or ethnicity or background or ability or orientation or any other reason. It lessens all of us when we do this.
We had a great time. And yet, there were a few incidents that continue to rankle in my mind. The most noticeable had to do with the magic show we attended. The guy was over the top with his bad jokes and attempts to be funny. But I kind of get into that sort of thing. The rest of the crowd looked leery and weary of his antics after the first five minutes, but I tend to be more tolerant, especially when I can see someone is really trying. However, about 15 minutes into the show he asked for a child volunteer. He called up a little girl. He kept calling her "sweetheart" and saying he was going to find a husband for her because she was so pretty. That started setting me on edge, but I didn't think too much about it until he called an even littler boy up to the stage to "help" as well. At that point, he said that actually the boy was going to be the junior magician and the girl was to stand there and be his "beautiful assistant" because girls aren't the magicians, boys are, and the girl's job is to stand around and be beautiful. I was stunned. Floored. We are in the Bay Area, for heaven's sake! Do people still think that here?! Do people actually get away with saying stuff like this on STAGE?! He proceeded to work with the boy and let him do magic while the girl just stood there looking awkward, and at one point like she was about to cry. I was sitting next to my eldest daughter. My other two were on the other side of the semi circle on the ground. I could see their faces and I looked over at them to see if this was registering. They both looked happy and smiley and like nothing had just happened. My eldest poked me and said, "Why do you look so upset, Mama?"
"Did you not just hear what that man said?" I demanded of her.
"Oh. Well, yeah. I guess that wasn't right, was it?"
"Damn straight it wasn't right!"
What was more upsetting to me was that as soon as I could reunite with the younger two children and said something to them about what they heard and if they caught how wrong that was, they both said, "Well, that's the way people are, though, right? They think girls can't do what boys can do and they think it's okay to say that."
"What people are these?" I demanded.
"Well, everybody, Mama." They proceeded to tell me stories of things that had been said to them not just by peers but by teachers and relatives and other people we value who have basically let my girls know that their prospects were limited by their gender, that their roles in life are clearly laid out for them because they are female. My son quoted things too, but interestingly, he, too, felt imposed upon by these statements, that he was expected to be better than his sisters in a way he knew he could not be.
"But I've been trying to teach you something different!" I said.
"Well, yes, we know. And because of that we tend to see these things while other kids probably don't even see them," said eldest. "But still, how can we fight a whole culture that says we can't be or do what we want because of our gender? A culture that tells us who we are as females? Who we are expected to be, and how we are expected to behave as girls, and later as women?"
I had that conversation in my head the rest of the time we were there, and no doubt as a result of that I saw other things that I might not otherwise see. At the "games" area, the call remained, "Boys! Come win a stuffed animal for your sweetheart!" At the cookware show it was "Ladies, these pots and pans will serve you well as you cook for your husband!" At the garden show it was, "Ladies first!"
I am a female pastor serving a congregation. Because of that I think it is easy for me to forget that we have not come very far at all in so many ways in terms of equality issues, in terms of treating each person as the unique person they are rather than as a male, as a female, as a this, as a that.
I'd like to believe that somehow fairs are worse than other places, but I doubt that's true. I will continue to try to teach my kids a different way. But I realize I'm fighting an uphill battle if the messages they receive everywhere else continue to be ones that make women "less" and men "more". So I put this out there as well. Notice the messages out there that descriminate and limit people of any kind. Confront the messages. Challenge the messages. For the sake of all of us, try to treat each person as the individual they are. Try not to limit one another by gender or class or appearance or race or ethnicity or background or ability or orientation or any other reason. It lessens all of us when we do this.
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