Jokes and sermon for Humor Sunday

Jokes for Humor Sunday, 2020
     A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him.  Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.  “Excuse me,” the man said to the woman, “but I think it’s astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much.” “I’m surprised myself,” she replied.  “He hated the book.”  

      The Spanish king has been quarantined on his private jet.  This means that the reign in Spain will stay mainly on the plane.
       Never believe anything an atom tells you.  They make up everything!  

        A man tried to sell me a coffin today.  I told him that's the last thing I need. 

        What's the opposite of Irony?   Wrinkly

         In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with names of men and women who had died in various wars.  He asked the pastor "Who are these people?"  The Pastor said "These are members from our church who died in service."  The boy asked, "The early service or the second service?"   

      Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks!  The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

        I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune…now I turn it like I am cracking a safe! 

       I need to practice “social distancing’ from the refrigerator. 

       Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter…..the Living Room or the Bedroom. 

       Every few days try your jeans on to make sure they still fit!  Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom!
       Home schooling is going well..2 students suspended for fighting , 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
       I don’t think that anyone expected that when we changed our clocks back, we’d go from Standard Time to the “Twilight Zone”!
       This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.  It was obvious she thought that her cat understood her.  I came into the house, told my dog and we laughed!
      Quarantine day 5…Went to the restaurant called the KITCHEN.  You have to gather all of the ingredients and make your own meal.  I have no clue how this place stays in business.
      My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet!
      I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda, I am getting tired of Casa Barbara and Los Livingroom!
     Classified Ad:  Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand-sanitizer  for good clean fun!
     Day 6.Homeschooling:  My child just said, “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.”

     Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?  He only had two worms.

     If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are going to find a vaccine before the scientists.

My mother said I’d never amount to anything sitting on the couch and watching t.v. all day. And yet here I am, doing just that and saving the world.

     At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"  Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

    It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.  "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.       "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

     One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

      "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

      The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

       Lot again... A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."  His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

       Q: Where do Buddhists hide for a surprise birthday party?

       A: In the present!

       An old football player dies and goes to heaven.  The angel at the gate says to him “now that you are in heaven, you can do anything you want. What would you like to do?’  The football player asks. I would love to play football again, may I?’  The Angel answers “yes, of course!  Just come to practice tomorrow, but we do not have numbers on the jerseys that way everyone is the same.”  So the football player goes to practice and he sees one player with the number 16 on his jersey.   The football player asks the angel “who is the person with the numbered jersey.”  And the angel answers “Oh that God, he thinks he is Joe Montana”



                                                            The Gifts of Laughter

               We come once again to Humor Sunday, the Sunday after Easter that was traditionally given over to jokes and humor and laughter.  The last joke was on death: even death held no sway in the end, even death, the one thing we can count on, was overturned.  Death was not king, death did not rule.  Love did.  And so we laugh and we remember that no matter what we think of life and the way things are supposed to go, it is all ultimately up to God what today or tomorrow will bring for us.  We who believe ourselves to be in charge, in control, have a lot to learn about life.

            While the psalms we read encourage joy, and laughter is a good way to get there, it is more than that.  There is also humor in the Bible.  Some of the stories are joyful, but others are downright funny.  Professor Hershey Friedman says that the different types of humor we find in scripture include, sarcasm, irony, wordplay, humorous names, humorous imagery, and humorous situations.  A couple of examples, when the Israelites were fleeing Egypt, they used sarcasm in confronting Moses by saying, “was there a lack of graves in Egypt that you took us away to die in the wilderness?”  In Samuel, Achish said to David, “Why did you bring him to me? Do I lack lunatics that you have brought this one to carry on insanely in my presence?"  Jesus says, “"You are like a person who picks a fly out of his drink and then swallows a camel".  Additionally, God names Isaac “laughter” – the one who leads us forward, who is our ancestor in faith is named “laughter”. 

            But we take a Sunday to laugh for other reasons: G.K. Chesterton once wrote: “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. Never forget that the devil fell by force of gravity. He who has the faith has the fun.” 

Laughter is a gift from God in so many ways.  It encourages us to not take ourselves so seriously, to remember that ultimately, we are not really in charge of anything.  Additionally, research shows that laughing actually has pain-reducing capacities, and it raises our pain threshold so we can tolerate pain better and we experience it less when we are laughing and for some time after a full, strong laugh.  It helps us learn – we learn better after a good laugh.  And it boosts our immune-enhancing capacities.  When we laugh fully and completely, we are said to “lose” it.  What we actually “lose” in those moments is our distraction of everything else – our distraction of our self-consciousness, our distractions of the stresses in our lives, we stop fleeing our stressing out and instead are completely present in the moment – and that moment, the NOW is where God is. 

I’ve shared with you before the article by Rev. Stephen Pieters who had a terminal illness which he kept at bay for years through laughter.  He was given 6 months to live, but he chose to watch reruns of “I love lucy” every day and 12 years later he was still alive. 

                Laughter has these innate healing qualities to them, not just physically but emotionally too.  I think that’s why when people are especially stressed out, they are more prone to laughter.  Have you ever been so stressed that suddenly everything struck you as hilarious and you found yourself rolling on the floor until those chuckles finally gave way to tears?  My kids will tell you this is a common experience for me.  When I can’t cry, when I’m too stressed out to cry or to scream or to do anything other than just function, when I refuse to take the time I need to process through the difficulties and challenges in my life, often my body forces me to emote through the gift of finding something utterly hilarious.  And I will start laughing and then be completely unable to stop until the tears are pouring down my cheeks and I find myself weeping instead. 

Laughter and tears: they are so closely related.  And I think both are the highest form of prayer.

In today’s New Testament lesson, we hear about the disciples inability to see Jesus among themselves.  They could not see him, though they walked with him and talked with him.  Our grief, our pain can block our vision.  But doing the basic things of life, eating, breaking bread – obviously, but I would also say crying and laughing also open our eyes.  Laughter eases our minds, breaks down our defenses, and causes us to hear, learn, grow, SEE in different ways.  One of the lessons we were taught at seminary was that if you really wanted people to hear something, make them laugh right before you say your most profound words.  Laughter opens us up.

In the Genesis passages that we read for today, we hear that there are different kinds of laughter.  Abraham laughs out of disbelief, but it doesn’t feel bitter to me.  It just feels like someone has said something so surprising and so ridiculous that he can’t help but laugh.  Sarah’s laugh feels different.   Her laughter feels more like sarcasm – almost a bitter laughter, a “yeah right” kind of chuckle.  And this laughter God confronts, saying there is nothing that is beyond God, no matter how “absurd” it may seem.  But in the end, Sarah names her son laughter – and in this laughing it is delight.  It is the laughter of sarcasm and bitterness turned into the laughter of joy, of celebration.  Finally, we come to another story of Jesus’ resurrection.  And through it we are reminded that God has the final “laugh”.  And this time that laugh is on death itself.  Even that is overcome, to the surprise, to the joy, to the delight of God’s people and the disciples in particular.  The joke is on “evil”.  Good wins.  It is hilarious and wondrous and wonderful that just when death seemed to win and grab even Christ, that even death was overcome.  It is not just something to celebrate, this is something to truly delight in, to laugh about!  God is the God of the amazing, of healing, of joy, of laughter.  And today we celebrate that gift – we honor that gift by laughing with God, by enjoying life with God, by remembering that God won! 

Humor Sunday sermon - The Reversal of All Things

Acts 5:27-32,

Revelation 1:4-8,

John 20:19-23

A mother listening to her son praying said to him, “Honey, that’s no way to say your prayers!”

The girl responded, “But mom, I thought that God was probably tired of hearing the same old stuff every night.  So I told him the story of the Three Bears instead!”



Pastor, “So, your parents say your prayers with you every night?  What do they say?”

The boy responded, “Thank God, he’s in bed!”

               Today we celebrate humor Sunday, the day when we remember that God had the last laugh over evil, and frankly, over all of us as well, by reversing what all of us know to be the only truth we can absolutely count on: that life ends with death.  Instead, death was the beginning: the beginning of the resurrection, the beginning of new life, the beginning of Christianity, the beginning of the faith that we have come to know and follow for the last 2000 years. 

               This should be an amazing and wondrous thing to celebrate and yet we often “celebrate” the resurrection with solemnity and ritual.  It is as if we cannot really accept the irony, the ridiculousness, the JOY of death being overcome, being destroyed, being reversed.  But that reversal of all we know should do exactly that: it should confuse us, it should turn our lives upside down, it should force us to question everything that we have ever known to be true, and to celebrate again with laughter, with humor, with music, with delight that God loves us so much that even death is no longer a solid steadfast rule; that everything we know is up for grabs, but that we need not fear because the God of love has promised to carry us through it all.

On humor Sunday this year we are literally practicing the reversal by reversing the worship service.  I hope that as we go through the service, you will find meaning in doing this.  First of all, it is often only those things which are different and unexpected which catch our attention enough to bring about genuine change.  Since we have not experienced physical resurrection first hand, sometimes we need a little help to remember the scandal of that day and of that experience for the disciples.  Reversing what we know invites us to experience both the confusion but also the possibilities inherent in life being other than what we expect.  That confusion can help us to see differently, to put ourselves in a place to hear in a different way.  The possibilities that open up for us, then, from a place of not knowing, but of seeing anew, can be amazing.

Secondly, I hope that today especially will be a reminder that church is not the goal.  Going to church is not what gives you stars in your crowns.  It is not what pleases God most.  As you may remember from my Amos sermon during lent, God said to Amos, “I hate, I despise your solemn festivals.  But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.” What pleases God most is when we follow Christ and do what he has called us to do: be the hands and feet of God, healing, loving, uplifting, feeding, visiting, making the world better for everyone; be the mind of Christ – wise as serpents and gentle as doves; be the heart of Christ, loving those we would call “sinners” because we have hearts of compassion that can do nothing less than treat even our enemies with love and grace.   The point of church is to ground us in the love of God, to center us in the reason for all we do, to remind us of our call and the support we have from God and this community for doing the call, and to feed us so that we can then do the work of the world with energy and passion. 

When seen this way, it is therefore more than appropriate that our “welcome and announcements” lead us into being the church in the world out there; that they come at the end of the service, inviting us into the work of Christ.  It is appropriate that we enter this place with the benediction, and the reminder that it is a temporary leaving of our work for Christ that we do when we come into this place to be fed so that we can go back into the world again at the end of the hour.  It is appropriate that we hear the words of scripture AFTER the sermon so that we can hear whether or not our thoughts and our reflections actually have anything to do with what God is saying to us through the books of the Bible.  It is appropriate that we give of our best gifts in our offering before we have been fed in this place so that it is not somehow a measurement of what the hour has provided us, but instead a pledge to give our best to God no matter how we are feeling or what we face in this moment.  It is appropriate that we greet one another with the peace of Christ: coming into this place as forgiven people forgiving each other before we can hear what God would say to us in this hour. 

And finally, it is very appropriate that we celebrate Christ’s resurrection with laughter, with a recognition of the absurdity of life that ends for most of us in death; and the delight in death that ends with the scandal of life.  We will hear today from the book of John that Jesus’ message to the disciples was peace, was one of sending forth, and was one of forgiveness.  That continues to be Christ’s message for all of us who would follow: to find peace so that we may go forth loving, forgiving and doing the work that God calls us to do in the world.  Christ is the one who was, who is and who will be.  It is in that wake, in that understanding, in that deep and undeniably powerful call that we are told to go and do what he did: healing, loving, freeing, raising up the valleys and bringing the mountains low.  And so we will, as we step forward into our lives from this place.  But before we do that, it is appropriate that we boost ourselves with a bit of laughter, with joy, with celebration.

So towards that end, we begin with the jokes that you have to share.  These two come from Scott Lewis who could not be here today:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'  

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

 'I do!'

 'Is he a member of your congregation?'

 'He is!'

 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

 'He will.'

Sundays' Sermon - Laughter as Resurrection

Genesis 17:15-19, 18:9-15, 21:1-7.  Luke 24:13-35
HUMOR SUNDAY

A mom wakes her son up on a Sunday morning telling him he has to get ready for church.  He fights her saying he just plain doesn't want to go.  She responds, "I'm sorry son by you have to go to church.  For one thing I'm your mom and I'm telling you you must go.  Second, you are forty years old and ought to know better.  And third, you are the pastor.  So get your butt out of bed and get moving!" 

A pastor runs into a kid who is looking to trade his lawn mower for a bicycle.  The pastor agrees to do this, but then is pulling and pulling on the mower cord and it isn't starting.  He turns to the boy and asks him how he is supposed to get the mower to start.  The boy responds, "oh, you just have to cuss at it and it will start right up."  The pastor is highly affronted and says, "I don't cuss!  I don't even know how to cuss!"  The boy responds, "You pull long enough on that cord, and I'm certain you will learn." 

A pastor declares that he is going to preach the following week on the sin of lying.  He says that in preparation for that sermon, he would like everyone to read Mark 17.  The following week he begins by asking the congregation, "how many of you remembered your homework and read Mark 17 in preparation for today?"  Everyone in the church raises their hands, to which the pastor responds, "Mark only has 16 chapters.  We will now proceed to my sermon on lying."

A man joins a monastery and is told he must remain in silence for six years.  He does so and at the end of the six years the head priest tells him he can say two words.  The monk says, “too cold”.  "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that!" declares the head priest.  We will surely take care of that for you!  And he gives the man additional blankets and then tells him he must go away into silence for another six years.  After another six years passes, the monk is called back again and told he can say two more words.  “Food bad” the monk declares.  Again, the head priest is very apologetic, promises to do something about it and does so, sending the monk away for another 6 years of silence.  This time when the monk appears and is told he can say two more words, he declares, “I quit”.  "Well," says the head priest, "that's a good thing!  You've done nothing but complain the whole time you've been here!"

A pastor comes across a group of kids surrounding a puppy and asks them what they are doing.  "Oh, pastor," says one of the kids, "We are seeing which one of us can tell the biggest lie!  Whichever one of us tells the biggest lie will get to keep this puppy that we found!"  The pastor is highly offended.  "That is outrageous!  You should not be practicing lying!  Why, when I was your age, I never would have told a lie!"  The kids become quiet for a few minutes until finally the one kid says, "Well, pastor.  You just won yourself the puppy!"


Christine Longhurst wrote, “Laughter Sunday (also known as Holy Humour Sunday, Hilarity Sunday, God’s Laughter Sunday, Bright Sunday or Holy Fools Sunday) has its roots in a number of different Christian traditions.  Churches in 15th century Bavaria used to celebrate the Sunday after Easter as Risus Paschalis (‘God’s Joke,’ or ‘the Easter laugh’). Priests would deliberately include amusing stories and jokes in their sermons in an attempt to make the faithful laugh. After the service, people would gather together to play practical jokes on one another and tell funny stories. It was their way of celebrating the resurrection of Christ – the supreme joke God played on Satan by raising Jesus from the dead.  However, the observance of Risus Paschalis was officially outlawed by Pope Clement X in the 17th century. Perhaps people were having too much fun.  In 1988, the Fellowship of Merry Christians began encouraging churches to resurrect some of these Christian traditions—to celebrate the grace and mercy of God through the gift of laughter and joy.  G.K. Chesterton once wrote: “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. Never forget that the devil fell by force of gravity. He who has the faith has the fun.”
While the psalms we read encourage joy, and laughter is a good way to get there, it is more than that.  There is also humor in the Bible.  Some of the stories are joyful, but others are downright funny.  Professor Hershey Friedman says that the different types of humor we find in scripture include, sarcasm, irony, wordplay, humorous names, humorous imagery, and humorous situations.  A couple of examples, when the Israelites were fleeing Egypt, they used sarcasm in confronting Moses by saying, “was there a lack of graves in Egypt that you took us away to die in the wilderness?”  In Samuel, Achish said to David, “Why did you bring him to me? Do I lack lunatics that you have brought this one to carry on insanely in my presence?"  Jesus says, “"You are like a person who picks a fly out of his drink and then swallows a camel".  Additionally, God names Isaac “laughter” – the one who leads us forward, who is our ancestor in faith is named “laughter”.
Laughter is a gift from God in so many ways.  Research shows that laughing actually has pain-reducing capacities, and it raises our pain threshold so we can tolerate pain better and we experience it less when we are laughing and for some time after a full, strong laugh.  It helps us learn – we learn better after a good laugh.  And it boosts our immune-enhancing capacities.  When we laugh fully and completely, we are said to “lose” it.  What we actually “lose” in those moments is our distraction of everything else – our distraction of our self-consciousness, our distractions of the stresses in our lives, we stop fleeing our stressing out and instead are completely present in the moment – and that moment, the NOW is where God is.
I want to read you part of an article on “The hope of laughter” by Rev. A. Stephen Pieters: Article by Stephen Pieters

In the Genesis passages that we read for today, we hear that there are different kinds of laughter.  Abraham laughs out of disbelief, but it doesn’t feel bitter to me.  It just feels like someone has said something so surprising and so ridiculous that he can’t help but laugh.  Sarah’s laugh feels different.   Her laughter feels more like sarcasm – almost a bitter laughter, a “yeah right” kind of chuckle.  And this laughter God confronts, saying there is nothing that is beyond God, no matter how “absurd” it may seem.  But in the end, Sarah names her son laughter – and in this laughing it is delight.  It is the laughter of sarcasm and bitterness turned into the laughter of joy, of celebration.  Finally, we come to another story of Jesus’ resurrection.  And through it we are reminded that God has the final “laugh”.  And this time that laugh is on death itself.  Even that is overcome, to the surprise, to the JOY, to the delight of God’s people and the disciples in particular.  The joke is on “evil”.  Good wins.  It is hilarious and wondrous and wonderful that just when death seemed to win and grab even Christ, that even death was overcome.  It is not just something to celebrate, this is something to truly delight in, to laugh about!  God is the God of the amazing, of healing, of joy, of LAUGHTER.  And today we celebrate THAT gift – we honor THAT gift by laughing with God, by enjoying life WITH God, by remembering that God won!

AND, to end with a few more laughs:
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
 S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
 S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
 S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
 S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

P: Mouse in cockpit.
 S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
 S: Took hammer away from the midget