As most of you know, our family crashed into devastating, life-changing crisis at the very end of 2010, a crisis that lingered and continued really until early 2013 when we started to finally get a grip on a "new normal" and settle into lives that were different, but were starting to feel okay. Many people during and after that time asked me how we survived it. I look back and the answers are really clear to me:
1. I had a great deal of support from friends, counselors, family. I relied on that heavily, calling, emailing, and spending time with people who were there to help.
2. I played the piano almost every day. Yes, it was part of my job, but it became much more than that. It was an emotional outlet for me, a way of expressing feelings I couldn't otherwise even name, a way to "create" out of chaos and express out of dark pain.
3. I danced with my daughter. Every morning as we were getting ready for school, we would put in music after her older siblings had left for school and my daughter and I would dance around the kitchen and family room. This too was creative expression, as was the music. But this was a time also of engagement with my beloved child, exercise, time together, an outlet, and an opportunity for a lot of laughter. This also often involved singing, stretching those vocal chords and making joyful noise, despite how we were actually feeling on a day to day basis.
4. I wrote. I journaled, mostly in the form of letters to God: I put everything down that I was experiencing, used it as prayer time, talked to God about my feelings, my thoughts and experiences and what I was going through.
5. I walked. Sometimes alone, sometimes with others, I hiked and got myself out in nature and into the air, breathed, surrounded myself with creation.
6. I slept. I went to bed by nine every night. I often took long naps on the weekends. I needed the sleep to process. But more, I was just exhausted from trying to hold myself and my kids together, and I needed that extra time to recoup.
7. I spent time each day reflecting on the good things that were in my life, reaching out with thank yous to those who had been helpful, expressed gratitude, both to God and to people for their presence in my life.
8. I found myself searching for and finding ways to give back, to offer care to others, to find meaning in being a helper, a pastor, in the world. I would add to this that the fact that my kids really needed me to be okay, to help them through the crisis, to support them through the trauma, was absolutely essential to my well-being. It wasn't an option for me to NOT be okay. I had to get through each day, for their sakes, and so I did. Having others dependent on me gave me the strong sense of not having a choice about if or how I handled the trauma.
9. There were also a lot of things I stopped doing during this time: I didn't watch TV. I completely stopped listening to the news. I didn't engage Facebook, and even closed down my account. I didn't eat junk. And I think that all of these things I didn't do were as important for me getting through that crisis as everything that I did do.
But the thing that I want to say about all of this is that, at least for the first 6 months to a year, none of these things that I chose to do or chose to avoid were conscious decisions. I automatically did these things, out of what felt like necessity or compulsion. I needed to do them and I did. They helped me to not only survive, but to thrive through the challenges that we faced: to grow, to bloom, to become a person I am much happier being. It was only after I was beginning to really recover that I started reading about the gifts of choosing gratitude, of exercise, of writing, singing, dancing in times of crisis. It was only after I started feeling a "new normal" that I learned that TV is a depressant and should be avoided when we are struggling, and that it is important during trauma to step away from the news. It was only later that I learned that extra sleep is essential during traumatic times and that I remembered how eating well makes a huge difference to one's emotional as well as physical health. It is only recently that I've found myself focusing on the importance of art and laughter in dealing with trauma, whether that be making music, dancing or creating art in other forms. And I remembered that it is in giving back to others that we help ourselves the very most.
Now we are all in crisis, in trauma time again. And I find myself once again choosing behaviors, almost despite myself, that are survival tools. I find myself daily being called to go "play in the dirt" - to be outside gardening, digging around, breathing the air, exercising. I am walking and doing yoga. I am again intentionally spending time with my kids, baking healthy foods (and sometimes comfort foods), finding funny things to share. I am limiting my time with the news again, as well as with Facebook (as much as my work will allow). The TV holds much less attraction for me than normal, and I am writing: daily notes to my congregation but also in my journal. I'm reaching out to people once more for support. I'm sleeping more than usual. I'm being more generous with my resources, especially to those most in need. And I'm trying to find time to make music with my kids. Once more I am aware that they need me to be okay through this (as does the congregation) and so it is not a option I can choose to NOT be okay.
As I reflected on all of this, I was struck with how strong my inner survival instinct really is, or from a faith perspective, how loud the leading of God was that led me on a daily basis to choose healthy, necessary behaviors. I do what I need to do to make it through this time, or any crisis time. I wonder that I can't continue in these healthy behaviors during normal times and I am aware that my life would undoubtedly be better if I could keep these up during normal times. But I am amazed at how strong the pull is, in crisis times, to choose these healthier and important ways of moving through life. Again, from a faith perspective, this is one of the reasons why my faith and trust in a loving God is so strong. I hear that voice, constantly, urging me to do what will be best for myself, my family and the larger community and world. It encourages wholeness and well-being for everyone, no matter what is going on that is disruptive and painful. It reminds me daily of our interconnection and need for all of us to work for health and wholeness for everyone.
I hope that you, too, are finding yourself doing the things that you need to do to move through this time. If you need help, we are here to support and offer suggestions. But I think the biggest advise I would give is to notice your own choices. What are you feeling impelled or compelled to do? What does that small voice encourage you to do to take care of yourself, your loved ones and the world? How are you surviving and even thriving through each day? And what is guiding those decisions that you make?
These are not easy times. But difficult times are fertile ground for deep learning and deep connecting with God and creation. Take time to rest in that, to learn from this time, to be open to what life is telling us this day.
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