To Love as Called, Part II

Matthew 18:15-22

Luke 6:27-45

Last week I preached on how loving one another is hard and involves being patient, kind and truthful.  I said that sometimes the being truthful part is especially difficult.  But that loving one another doesn’t just mean being nice, but really means being willing to help one another grow – which sometimes means telling people truths that may be hard to tell, truths that may be hard to hear. 

Well today I want to follow up on that with the other side of the coin, because, as some have pointed out, there are some people who, in the name of “truth,” are also nothing but critical.  Often these people are also critical in a way that is impossible to hear, and impossible to actually grow from.  And I just want to assure you that this was not what I am advocating.  Again, if loving is working towards the highest spiritual good for the other, we have to find ways to live in truth and peace with one another that won’t tear each other down.

Todays’ reading from Matthew is very clear that we are to confront each other when we have been injured by one another – something we’ve talked about not just last week, but other times as well.  Still, when we do tell the truth, when we do confront one another, we have to find loving ways to do this.  Because while the passages that encourage truth telling are important, we have more passages that tell us that first and foremost the job is to support one another and uplift one another. 

For example, Romans 14:10-13 says, “You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. It is written:  'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.'  So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.  Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.”

Romans 12:9-10 “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

Romans 12:15-20  “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.  Live in harmony with one another.  Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.  Do not be conceited.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.  On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink."

And, as we read from Luke today, Jesus is clear that we are not to be critical of one another without serious introspection, and self-reflection first.  We are to look at our own flaws first and work hard to remove them, before we ever even consider saying something to someone else.  Jesus still says that we do this in order to help the other.   “first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”  So, we still aren’t let off the hook from helping one another grow, too. 

But again, we are first called to look at our own flaws, our own challenges, our own areas of growth.  These, then, can help us to help one another. 

 A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hung her wash to dry, the young woman made the same comments. A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? "

The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

But today I especially want to talk about how we discuss our criticisms with others.

            In book two of  Anne of Green Gables series, Anne of Avonlea, Anne has made friends with a crotchety old man who is very critical of others.  (p.66 – 67)

“That old nuisance of a Rachel Lynde was here again today, pestering me for a subscription towards buying a carpet for the vestry room,” said Mr. Harrison wrathfully.  “I detest that woman more than anybody I know.  She can put a whole sermon, text, comment, and application into six words, and throw it at you like a brick.”

…(Anne replied), “The trouble is, you and Mrs. Lynde don’t understand one another,” she explained.  “That is always what is wrong when people don’t like each other.  I didn’t like Mrs. Lynde at first either, but as soon as I came to understand her I learned to.”

“Mrs. Lynde may be an acquired taste with some folks, but I didn’t keep on eating bananas because I was told I’d learn to like them if I did,” growled Mr. Harrison.  “And as for understanding her, I understand that she is a confirmed busybody and I told her so.”

“Oh, that must have hurt her feelings very much,” said Anne reproachfully.  “How could you say such a thing?  I said some dreadful things to Mrs. Lynde long ago but it was when I had lost my temper.  I couldn’t say them deliberately.”

“It was the truth and I believe in telling the truth to everybody.”

“But you didn’t tell the whole truth,” objected Anne.  “You only tell the disagreeable part of the truth.  Now, you’ve told me a dozen times that my hair was red, but you’ve never once told me that I had a nice nose.”

“I daresay you know it without any telling,” chuckled Mr. Harrison.

“I know I have red hair too.. although it’s much darker than it used to be.. so there’s no need of telling me that either.”

“Well, well.  I’ll try and not mention it again since you’re so sensitive.  You must excuse me, Anne.  I’ve got a habit of being outspoken and folks mustn’t mind it.”

“But they can’t help minding it.  And I don’t think it’s any help that it’s your habit.  What would you think of a person who went about sticking pins and needles into people and saying, ‘Excuse me, you mustn’t mind it. It’s just a habit I’ve got.’ You’d think he was crazy, wouldn’t you?  And as for Mrs. Lynde being a busybody, perhaps she is.  But did you tell her she had a very kind heart and always helped the poor, and never said a word when Timothy Cotton stole a crock of butter out of her dairy and told his wife he’d bought it from her?  Mrs. Cotton cast it up to her the next time they met that it tasted of turnips and Mrs. Lynde just said she was sorry it had turned out so poorly.”

“I suppose she has some good qualities,” conceded Mr. Harrison grudgingly.  “Most folks have….”

As Anne put it so eloquently, it isn’t the whole truth to just criticize.  And we have to be careful about judging others.  You know the quote, “When given the choice between being right and being kind, choose to be kind.”  Wayne Dyer. 

I don’t know if any of you know anything about William’s syndrome, but it is a disease in which the person who has it cannot be discriminating and instead just loves and trusts everyone.  There is gift in that.  But sometimes people become extremely uncomfortable with that kind of care and love from a total stranger.  There was a show on PBS that was talking about this disease and a mom was sharing that her daughter had this condition.  People who didn’t know that she was struggling with a condition would sometimes yell at the mother out of their own discomfort or fear for the girl, “Haven’t you taught her to be careful of strangers?  It is extremely dangerous for her to just walk up to someone and sit on their lap, or climb in their car, or take someone’s hand!  What’s the matter with you for not teaching her these things?!!”  And we understand their judgment.  When we do not understand the whole of any situation, it is easy for us to judge.  Who here does not have judgment about someone about something;  Something someone said, something someone has done, something someone believes, something someone is? 

I’d like to ask you to think for a moment about the things that you judge in others.  Are there specific things or attitudes or behaviors that you find yourself judging in others?  Are there reasons why you have those specific judgments?  Past experiences?  Maybe it is hard to understand certain things?  As the Matthew passage tells us, even as the Luke passage tells us, in the case of our families, our friends, our church communities, and even others, there is a time and place for the gentle corrections that lead to growth.  But we have to speak without judgment.  We have to speak because of a genuine desire to serve the other.  We have to speak out of love.  If we aren’t, if we are speaking in anger, or judgment, or worse, in hatred, then we are not doing what we are called to do.  Speak your truth…speak with love….but try to speak the whole truth, including the good stuff. 

Psychologists give us a formula for this, a formula for confrontation which may seem hokey, but at least for me, I have found it to actually be very affective, very helpful.  It helps me to speak my truth.  More importantly, I believe it also helps the other person hear what I’m saying.  The formula is something like this: 1. You speak your care for the other person. 2.  You speak an affirmation about what is going well in the situation.  3. Then you talk about the thing that has upset you in terms of your own feelings and the way the other’s behavior has affected you.  For example, “I love you.  You are wonderful as a parent/teacher/friend.   AND, when you do x, I feel __________.”   

Today’s passage in Matthew follows the mandate to confront by telling us that we must forgive.  Forgiveness is also a part of all of this.  But as you see, forgiveness does not mean just forgetting about what someone has done, or failing to hold someone accountable.  Instead, it means dealing with a problem and then letting it go.  If you can’t deal directly with a problem because the person you are upset with isn’t willing or isn’t available, then you finally have to work it out within yourself, bring healing in yourself and forgive for your own sake.  As I’ve talked about before, our anger only hurts ourselves.  But most of the time, we are simply afraid to speak our truths.

Loving is not easy.  It involves kindness, it involves truth.  It is all the things that last week's passage from 1 Corinthians 13 mentioned: patience, faith, steadfastness.  But the author of love itself is there to help us.  And that is good news indeed.

To Love as Called

                                                1 Cor 13:1-13

John 13:33-35

1 John 3:11-18, 4:7-12

Most of you are probably familiar with this First Corinthians passage on love.  Where is it most often used?  Weddings.  The first time a couple I married asked to use this Corinthian passage, I found myself thinking it was odd and ironic because this passage was written to a church that was undergoing strife.  Paul is talking to a congregation in which the members are fighting with each other and Paul is trying to tell them how, in the midst of their discord and disharmony, they are still called to love and care for one another.  He says in the midst of your anger, in the midst of your dislike, even, you are called to find patience, and humility, you are called to be truthful, to trust and hope and persevere and work towards harmony.  You are called in the midst of pain to avoid self-righteousness and keeping score of wrongs.  And twenty years ago, I thought, what an odd thing that a couple in the height of new love, in the high of falling in love, would choose a passage in which they are being lectured on how to survive, how to be loving, in the midst of pain and strife and struggle.

But the more I have worked with this passage, and no doubt with the longer I’ve lived through a marriage, a divorce and now in another marriage, I have come to see it as the perfect wedding passage, for exactly the reason that it was written to a congregation in strife.  For no marriage, no matter how ideal, is without conflict or difficulties.  No marriage should be without conflict because we are called to come to every relationship honestly and wholly ourselves.  That honesty will necessarily lead to differences with others.  Those differences will cause disagreements, and sometimes those disagreements will cause strife.

           But obviously, it is not just in marriage that we are called to work through conflict and find ways to love one another.  And as this passage and all of scripture shows us, learning to truly love others is not easy.  It is not easy.  Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”  I love this definition and want to read it to you again.  Love, according to Peck, is “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”  This definition says several things which I think are valuable, two of which I want to point out today.  First, love is an action exercised by the will.  Love, in the biblical understanding of the word, is not a feeling, it is not a liking. It is a decision and then an act of the will.  We care for one another, we love one another not by feeling strongly about them, but by acting in the other’s best interest.  Secondly, this definition tells us that the highest end of love, according to Scott Peck, is growth - Spiritual growth.  We love by caring for and wanting the best growth for the person to whom we are extending love.  Notice that by this definition, acting loving does not mean making the other comfortable.  It does not mean flattering the other.  It does not mean making nice.  It does not mean leaving uncomfortable situations, either.  Is it loving to walk away from difficult people?  It isn’t loving towards those difficult people.
          We often hide our unloving behavior under the guise of “politeness.”  Of course, there are noted exceptions.  Have any of you seen the PBS miniseries of Jane Eyre that was originally aired about eight years ago, or even read the book?  In both I was struck by Jane’s refusal to lie to Mr. Rochester when he wanted to be flattered.  “Am I handsome, Jane?”  He asks.  “Not in the least,” she answered.  In the book, even more than in the movie, Jane is committed to Mr. Rochester’s highest growth, highest spiritual good, without regard of whether it might cause Mr. Rochester to care for her less, or whether her comments might hurt his feelings.  One conversation in particular struck me.  Mr. Rochester admitted to Jane that he had done a great wrong.  For many of us today, this would have been a solicitation for us to be comforting to the one who did the wrong.  “Oh, no, you aren’t wrong.” or “What you did isn’t as bad as you think.” Or, “Well, I’m sure it all worked out okay.” Or, “Even if it was bad, it’s okay because you didn’t really mean to hurt so-and-so.  And you’re really sorry now, so it’s okay.”  But Jane, instead, does not deny the wrong.  Instead she encourages repentance, reformation, the making of amends, and the commitment to do better.  This is love, truth, and a call for growth from one another.
           Have any of you seen the movie “Borat”?  Well, it’s actually a very offensive movie, but still, there is much in it that we can learn about ourselves, and about love. Sacha Baron Cohen, playing the character of Borat, approached different people using highly offensive words and behavior.  The behavior of those he approached was then recorded, and generally speaking, their reactions fell into three categories.  Some responded to Borat’s offensiveness by acting in kind with similar racist, sexist, offensive and horrible behavior.  Other people, people who would take serious offense at the ideas Borat expressed, were simply ruled more by manners, or perhaps by fear of confrontation than by love.  These people allowed Borat to express his terrible offensive ideas and even to act on them, but did nothing to defend the people Borat would insult or even injure, did nothing to stand up for or care for those who would be injured.  Additionally, they could not see Borat as someone they were also called to love, someone they might help, however unlikely it might be, by presenting another view point, another choice of a way to act in the world.  While I agree it was unlikely that their expression of better thought would really have changed the Borat character, even if he had been a real person, not a character, God does not put us in charge of the outcome of our loving actions, God simply calls us to act in love despite all possible outcomes.  
           There was a third reaction to his behavior. There were a few people who chose a different reaction, a very few people who did chose to act in love.  When Borat approached women from a group called the Veteran Feminists of America, with sexist, racist, horrible ideas, these women did choose, articulately and respectfully, to respond to Borat by suggesting other viewpoints.  They acted in love, even in the face of horrible, insulting, attacking ideas.  And while the character of Borat did not respond to their loving behavior by showing change or growth, it is again, not our job to determine the outcome of loving efforts.  It is only our job to choose love.
             It is hard to act loving.
             Aikido is a martial art based on the principle of peace. The founder of Aikido, Morihei Ueshiba, said, “To control aggression without inflicting injury is the art of peace.”  It is in that spirit that he developed the martial art of Aikido.  It is a form of self-defense which attempts to respond to an aggressor’s attacks by moving the aggressor’s energy away from violence or injury into a movement in which aggression is diffused and diminished.  The word Aikido uses a combination of three Japanese characters - joining, spirit, and way.  It emphasizes one-ness or blending together rather than clashing.  Practitioners of Aikido attempt to join in the rhythm and direction of the other person’s energy, and in doing so, the aggressive action becomes more dance-like, it becomes a joining rather than a fighting.  Aikido then seems to me to be an amazing way of practicing love.  It takes a flaw of another - it takes aggression, or anger, or violence.  And instead of returning anger for anger, instead of seeking revenge or striking out, aikido works for the highest good of the other and attempts to show that anger or aggression a new way: to mold it, to turn it, to spin it into an act of peace, without injury.
           What would happen in our world if we genuinely embraced Jesus’ principles of love?  What would happen, if instead of responding to the violence of things like war with more violence, more hatred, more aggression, we instead committed to loving our enemies and working towards their highest growth and highest gain?  What if we found ways to take negative, aggressive energy and use it towards genuine acts of peace, if our goal in acting was that we “controlled aggression without inflicting injury?”  If we are truly about loving the other, loving our enemy, then we cannot respond to aggression with more aggression.  It is not loving to try to hurt anyone, anytime, anyway.  How do we act with love both towards those we would defend and our enemies whom we are also called to love?  Turning the other cheek, loving our enemy, turning aggression into something else, something beautiful, something unifying, something graceful may be the challenge we are called to as we are called to love one another.  It is hard to act loving.
           While I don’t really enjoy watching American Idol, there was a time, fifteen years ago or so, when it was often on in my house, through no choice of my own, so I ended up watching a number of episodes.  On one of these American Idol evenings, we watched auditions that took place in Birmingham Alabama.  One of the interesting things that seemed to separate out the contestants in Birmingham from those in other places was their responses to the comments of the judges.  In other cities, when the judges, Simon in particular, became rude, many of the contestants would argue with his critiques, or return insult for insult: they would strike out at those who had struck out at them.  But in Birmingham, many of the contestants responded to the critiques with simple, “Thank yous.”  And I found myself thinking that this was a case in which the loving thing and the polite thing were, in fact, the same.  Maybe they said “thank you” because they genuinely understood that they could learn and grow from the critique.  Maybe they said “thank you” because they were genuinely thankful for the opportunity to audition and for the judges spending a little time with them that day.  Maybe they were simply being polite.  But whatever the reason, their politeness had an effect on the judges.  Maybe not a long lasting one.  But again, we are not responsible for the results of our loving behaviors.  I saw surprise and moments of genuine reflection cross the judges faces as they had to ask themselves why people were thanking them, even for their cruel and insulting rejections.  What’s more, as the evening went on, their attacks became less cruel, and turned into more constructive critique.  And I have to hope that in the face of others behaving better than they themselves usually do, that maybe they might reflect on ways they could continue to present their critiques less hurtfully, less harshly, with more truth, and also with more love.    
            It is not easy to love.  It is not easy to be patient, and kind and truthful in the face of rudeness, in the face of aggression, in the face of hatred.  And yet it is our call: the only call besides loving God.  The passage we read today from John tells us this is the defining call of Christians: loving each other, this is what sets us apart from other people.  What sets us apart as people of Christ, as Christians, is how we act.  Choosing to love, choosing the hard task of working to care for one another and even for our enemies, that is what will show you to be a disciple of Christ.
          While not easy, the good news in this call to love is shown to us in the 1^st John passage which tells us the reward for loving.  “If we love one another, God lives in us and God’s love is made complete in us.”  This is our reward: we have God, God-self, living in us and making God’s love complete in us through our loving.  What an awesome thing.  What an awesome opportunity for us.
          So, go, love, and find God within you, building God’s temple, bringing love to completion.  In Christ’s name we pray.  Amen.

Sunday's Sermon - Gentle and Loving Confrontation

Proverbs 8:1-14

Matthew 18: 15-22

Immediately after college I served as a volunteer in mission in New Mexico.  While I was there the local church music director offered to teach me organ lessons in exchange for working as her piano accompanist for the music and voice classes she taught at the local community college.  It was my first experience with the organ but after just a couple weeks, the music director called me one Sunday morning saying she was very ill and would I play for her in church that day.  Well, as a very nervous new organist I agreed.  The service went fine and afterwards people were very positive about how things had gone.  Three days later I received a letter in the mail.  The letter was written by Sally, a long term member, the widow of a Presbyterian Minister, and a fellow musician.  When I opened the letter the first thing I noticed was that it actually was not addressed to me.  Instead, it was a copy of a letter she had written to the pastor, the music director, the worship committee, and every member of the session.  She wrote,

“I was appalled on Sunday to hear the abominable organ playing done by Barbara Barkley.  She was a disaster.  I have rarely heard anything so disgraceful in church.  I’m writing to you in the hope that you will see to it that such an atrocity does not again take place.”

She concluded her letter by writing,

“In the future, I would be happy to voluntarily serve as a substitute organist at any time.  With love, Sally.”

As you can imagine, I was devastated.  Moreover, I was humiliated.  I had never before received anything like such a letter, and I was absolutely cut to the quick.  For a moment I thought it might be a joke.  But that idea was soon banished by a phone call I received from the music director, followed by another from the pastor.  They each were kind and reassuring in their own ways.  The music director assured me that Sally was just upset that I had been asked to play instead of her.  The pastor told me that I should feel I had really made it in their congregation: I wasn’t really part of the in-crowd at the church until I had received a devastating letter from Sally, something he received on a regular basis as well as most of the leadership in the church.  He also told me he thought I’d played well.  But for all their kind words, I still felt so ashamed that I wondered if I would ever again be able to show my face at the church, let alone continue to study organ.  A part of my confidence, my enthusiasm for learning and trying new things, my spirit was broken, a part that it took a long time to heal.  Sally sinned against me on that day.  She was right to say how she felt.  But out of love, she should have talked to me, alone and in person.  She was right to express her concerns, but in love, she should have been more careful about the words she chose and how she chose to use them.

But actually, it is not about Sally’s errors that I wish to focus today.  Instead, it is my own sin and sins of my cohorts at the church of which I want to speak.  It is about the lack of a loving response on my part, on the part of the pastor and music director and yes, on the part of the session.  Because we all responded to the letter - by ignoring it.  I ignored it, as I ignored Sally from then on, out of fear.  She had hurt me once, what would she do or say if I actually spoke to her?  The choir director ignored it because, as she said, “Sally is old and set in her ways.  She can’t really change at this point.”  The session ignored it because they received so many of these kinds of letters from Sally that they discounted them without a second thought.  And the pastor ignored it in the name of “forgiveness.”  “We need to forgive Sally,” he said, “by just letting it go.”

But in our failure to confront, each of us missed an opportunity for growth, and we failed to heal the wounds.  We also failed to prevent future hurtful letters to be written by her hands.  Most importantly, we failed to really hear Sally and we missed an opportunity to care for her in one of the truest senses of the word.

It is hard to confront.  It is hard to face people who are angry with us or with whom we are angry or upset.  And so we often choose to take the easy way out and not deal directly with the hurts and wrongs others have done to us.  We justify this in a number of ways, “It wouldn’t do any good to say anything” or “I can just as easily process this with someone else and then let it go.” or my favorite, “I don’t need to confront because I have forgiven them.”  But in today’s passage, Jesus does not say, “talk to those who have sinned against you IF you are still angry with them.”  He does not say, “Talk to them IF you think it will do any good.”  Jesus tells us to confront those in our community who have hurt us.  To act in a loving way, to act as a brother or sister to one another necessitates telling people the hard truth about how things affect us, how we feel, how another person’s actions have impacted us.

We confront to let go of our own anger so that we can really see each other as brothers and sisters.  We confront to help one another grow and walk together in our Christian journeys.  We confront so that other brothers and sisters are not hurt in the same way as we were.  Most importantly, we confront as a sign that we think the ones who have hurt us are important enough to deserve our communication, our honesty, even our correction leading to our ultimate forgiveness.

Jesus follows his instructions on confrontation with the command to forgive one another.  These two passages flow together: they are part of the same act.  Communicating hard truths is a necessary part of forgiveness because it says that I love you enough to not let anything come between us.  And I love you enough to want to work with you, together, in our growing.

God does not leave us simply with the difficult direction to lovingly confront.  Jesus gives us guidelines on how we are to deal with one another in our pain, how we are to lovingly confront.  And yet, the directions that Jesus gives us are not easy.  The first direction is perhaps the most difficult of all.  When someone has hurt or wronged us, the first thing we are to do is to go to the person themself and face to face express our pain and our opinions.  This is difficult.  I would much rather write a letter, forget about it, or get someone else to talk to the person for me.  We often want, and too often choose, to discuss the problem with other people.  Or at least process it with other people first.  We want to get our thoughts together, we want another’s opinion, we want support.  But whatever our good intentions in talking to others, often our conversations become gossip.  Our conversations with others can intensify our judgments of one another, and can bring others into a problem that is not their own.  After receiving Sally’s letter, I didn’t want to confront her, so I talked about her instead to the music director, the pastor and anyone else who would listen and care.  My words about her expressed my own hurt, but they were also condemning, critical and judging.  And through my pain, I incited others’ anger and judgment against her as well.  It wasn’t my intention to do this.  But in not dealing with Sally directly, these were the consequences.

In the church especially, avoiding loving confrontation can be damaging.  We are a close-knit community.  And so when there is a problem and it is not dealt with directly, the one hurt can end up bottling the pain.  More often I think when someone in the church is upset with something we have done, we will still hear critique.  But it will come through a third party. But there are many problems with this.  First of all, almost always when we are upset about something it says more about us than it does about whatever we are upset about. The real problems cannot therefore be addressed when issues are spoken about as coming from an anonymous person.  Secondly, when a person hears critique out of context, they often are unable to know what exactly they have done to cause the upset and so they can’t really use the criticism to fix the problem or to grow. We can also focus on the other person’s failure to speak directly about the problem and avoid looking at our own part.  Also when we do not know exactly where critique has come from we can feel that the church itself is judging us.  The anonymous accuser becomes in our minds a menacing group or even the church itself.  The church stops feeling safe or a place where we can trust and learn.

James Angell in his book, “Yes is a world” wrote, “Church ought to be a set of moments when we become most expansively, openly and honestly ourselves.  Yet it is in the church where we often find it hardest to be ourselves: where we are often the most guarded, the most paranoid, the most unsure of being accepted and understood.”  The church is a place in which, every Sunday, we take time to acknowledge our broken-ness and our need for God’s forgiveness to make us whole. But it still remains difficult for us to lovingly speak truth to one another thereby helping one another grow towards wholeness.

In our legal system we have rules that insist that an accused person has the right to see and hear their accuser.  Accusations are not admissible in court if they remain anonymous.  How much more so should this be the case in our church?  We are to be as family to one another.  The passage that we read today uses the phrase, “if another member sins against you,” but the word translated here as “another member” is actually “brother” in Greek.  With family we don’t have to hide behind anonymity. We are called to be fully who we are, to speak directly, to trust that love will carry us through any conflict. And finally, when we do not want others to know what we are saying, that may be a call for us to actually look at what we are saying, to determine if it is really appropriate, true, and helpful or if it is simply hurtful. 

There are times when taking the risk of speaking directly will lead us to nothing, when the person who has hurt us will not listen. It is at that point and only at that point that Jesus asks us to invite others in the church to witness and listen. But the key words here are “witness” and “listen”.  The other church members are there to aid in the conversation, but they remain observers.  The discussion itself still remains between the one hurt and the one being confronted.

The directions that Jesus gives us for confrontation are not easy.  But we alone suffer the consequences of not following Jesus’ words.  Because I never confronted Sally, my fear of her and her judgment remained with me.  It took me eight years after receiving her letter before I could even mention the story with people who weren’t directly involved in the situation.  And while I can share about it now, simply talking to her at the time might have saved me years of shame and insecurity. 

Was Sally wrong? Was she unkind? Was she just unnecessarily cruel in her words and manner of addressing this? Of course. We are called to be direct – a letter is not direct. But more importantly, we are called to speak to one another in love. Attacking words, an attacking posture, attacking, angry language is also not okay. We are called to be direct, but still loving.  And that must affect how we speak things, how we phrase things, and the posture with which we speak.  But recognizing Sally’s fault in this does not, did not give us permission to act in a similarly unloving way. Failing to talk to her, ignoring her unkindness, ignoring her was unkind, and I was the one left scarred by that decision.

Jesus asks a lot of us. And loving confrontation may seem to be one more difficult task for us to take on. But, each of Jesus’ instructions are gifts to the person asked to do them. So today we celebrate the gift that Jesus has given us in this request to lovingly confront one another. We celebrate that we are family to each other and we are called to love each other enough to risk telling the truth, face to face, to our brothers and sisters. We celebrate that as we confront, we ourselves will grow in our ability to care, to understand, to remember that even those who hurt us are human and make mistakes just as we do.  We will grow in our ability to forgive and truly love one another.

Speaking up, offending and being offended, truth telling, and when to keep quiet.

I don't know why this is, but we seem to offend and hurt others and be offended and hurt by others on a fairly regular basis.  It seems to be part of the human condition and I've found myself wondering about this as I've experienced both this past week.  More, I've found myself wondering why we don't talk about it more openly.

This last week I've become more aware of a couple people who have "distanced" themselves, for lack of a better term. I can only assume that something I said or did has offended them or hurt them. Maybe there is another reason. Perhaps they are busy with other things, perhaps something has happened in their personal lives that makes this distance more necessary.  All of that could be possible. But given their demeanor and changed stance, I don't think that's what it is. Unfortunately, neither of them have told me what it is, so I am left in the dark.

By the same token, I've found myself personally hurt by a couple folk.  Did they mean to hurt me?  In one case, possibly; but in the other, I'm quite certain they did not. And I, too, have failed to say anything.  I tell myself I'm being oversensitive and therefore just need to deal with it.  I tell myself it's pointless to say anything because they wouldn't hear it or understand it anyway but would just be offended and they would step away. But instead, I end up putting distance there.  I, too, choose to step back rather than be seen as too "intense" or overly excitable.  I choose the position of "power", being the one to distance rather than being the one to speak my truth and risk being hurt by the other person stepping away.

My church received an annonymous nasty note stuck into our door over the week I was gone in response to the rainbow flag we fly in front of our property.  It contained the usual comment of people who actually haven't read anything Jesus said. It said that God hates certain people and that if we don't hate those people too, then God hates us and will send us to hell. The point, though, is that it was annonymous. So I guess there are people who do speak up when they are hurt or offended.  But they choose to do it annonymously.

I have seen two posts on facebook in the last couple weeks that were both expressing the decision to not speak up.  In one a person was very angry at an injustice but chose not to speak.  The other was a meme that basically said that it is wisdom to walk away when someone has a stupid opinion rather than confronting it.

I have found myself reflecting on all of these situations.  And I have come to the conclusion that we all have one thing in common.  And that is a lack of courage.  Why is it so hard to claim our position, to state our feelings, our opinions, directly, openly, honestly, and in ways that do not do further damage and do not injure the other with name-calling, accusations, and demeaning words but instead just say, "Ouch. That hurts. And here is why." or with "I really disagree with that and here is why."? It feels incredibly risky to just own our feelings and our own opinions.  It feels vulnerable to choose to be honest about our hurt or our thoughts and risk the other person being mean, disagreeing, or walking away from us.  It feels more powerful to be angry and silent, or to be in control as we choose to step back rather than say what we think.  I get that. I get it again and again because I, too, lack the courage in the face of hurt or disagreement sometimes to just say, "I disagree" or "that hurts."  I'm not good on my feet, so when someone is angry at me and expresses that in mean words, I often can't think of the best thing to say.  I usually can only think of the best response hours or days later.  So instead I choose silence.  I choose to let the relationship be damaged rather than to take the risk of being vulnerable and admitting I am hurt or that I disagree.

I've been telling others to speak their truth.  From the position of being the one who has been walked away from, I keep telling others to speak rather than stay silent. "Don't give up on people like me!" I plead. "Some of us are trying and we need your help to be the people we want to be!  Please don't see me as beyond redemption, as beyond learning, as beyond understanding.  Give me a chance to hear, to learn, and to grow.  Tell me when I have hurt you so I can understand. Tell me when you disagree so I can hear a new perspective. Don't walk away, but give our relationship a real chance by speaking, by talking, by taking the risk of telling me what may be uncomfortable for both of us. And then stay with me and don't quit 'us'. Please."

I say it.  I mean it.  But I struggle to practice it. And I have to own that. It is hard to speak our truth to people who don't listen or who seem unable to understand. It is hard to take the risk of admitting when we are hurting. It is hard to choose to be vulnerable.

So I write this for myself and to myself once again: I believe with all my heart that loving, truly loving, is hard. It is hard. And we are called to keep doing it, again and again, and again and again. Loving our enemies, loving our friends, loving all those around us means taking risks.  It is risky.  It is scary. And it involves being real, speaking the truth, and being vulnerable.

I will say what I have said before: I am beyond grateful to those people who have been brave with me, who took the time to speak their truth to me, to tell me when I messed up, to tell me when I hurt them, to tell me that they disagree. I've learned and grown only because people took chances and risks and were willing to take the time to talk without assuming I could never learn or grow. So I pray for the courage to be the one to do the same and to speak. And I pray for the wisdom to see that if they don't hear me in this moment that that is okay.  They may hear it down the road.  They may never hear it.  They may walk away, or they may even become angry.  But that is not my responsibility.  What they do with what they are given is up to them.  The only thing that is my responsibility is to speak, to be fully present, fully honest, fully open - to give what I have been gifted to pass on.  That is all I am called to do.  God, grant me the courage to do it.