More on Entitlement

My kids and I went to the Monterey Aquarium this last week.  It is one of our favorite places to go and though it is not close (two and a half hour drive if there is no traffic, but when is there no traffic in the Bay Area?) we try to get there when we have a vacation space to do so.  Most of our time on this trip was wonderful, but I found myself struck once more by the amazing sense of individual entitlement that I think has a lot to do with where we are now as a country and where we are heading.

The day we went to the Aquarium it was very crowded because it was over Christmas break.  There were a lot of people packed into the space, and while many of them were "well-behaved", there were also a shocking number of folk who would do anything to make sure that they were ahead of everyone else, that they had the perfect spot, that their "rights" superseded the rights of those around them.

To give a very specific example:  We especially love the otters.  And there are several times a day when they have "feeding time" at the otter tank.  Lots of folk cramped into the tight spaces in front of the glass windows.  The trainer who talks to the crowds and explains what is going on said to the crowd at the beginning of the presentation, "We know that there are many of you, and we encourage you to look around and if there are children shorter than you, please let them stand in front of you so that they can see too."  I was struck by the fact that this needed to be said.  Does someone really have to TELL us to let children stand in front so they can see?  To let children move to the front so that they are not blocked by our taller bodies?  Shouldn't this care for others' education, this care for others' enrichment, this attention to the needs and desires of others, and especially children, just be part of who we are?  But unfortunately this no longer seems to be part of who we are.  And people no longer even seem to feel they need to pretend to care about other folk.  Youngest, my 4'9" kid, was trying to get to a spot she saw that was a little empty and she asked a woman, "Excuse me, can I please get by you?"  This 5'10" woman snapped at Youngest, "I'm standing here! This is MY spot!" Youngest wasn't even trying to take her spot, but was simply trying to walk by her to another spot that she saw.  This entitled and fearful woman didn't stop there.  She literally shoved in front of Youngest who stood there just incredulous.  I was incredulous too.  Is our sense of fear that someone will take away what we have, what we want, so strong that we see even a little child trying to look at an otter as so much of a threat that we have to push them behind us, in a public place, in front of everyone?

It feels to me that that is where we have moved as a country.  We claim "Christian values" and yet we ignore the first call of that faith which includes loving our neighbors as ourselves.  If we truly see the other as a person equal in importance, equal in needs, equal in value, then we will care about their well-being.  We will not be so focused on our fear of not having enough, not getting what we want, trying to grab from others or block others getting what they want so there will be enough for ME; and instead we will be focused on the privilege we have to work towards the inclusion, the rights, the well-being of every one of our brothers and sisters. The times I experience grace, real grace, are the moments when I work for the well being of others.  I don't need their acknowledgement or gratitude or even awareness. But in my own awareness that we are not different, we are the same; and what hurts you hurts me, and what slights you slights me, and what comes as a gift to you comes as a gift to me, and when you are doing well, I am doing better too - all of that awareness brings grace to me, brings life to me.  We seem as a people to be more and more in the mode of grabbing our rights at the expense of others, of demanding what we want by pushing others out of the way (even children!!), of insisting that our wants are so much more important than others that we behave in ways that threaten to wipe us out as a people.  We have to get beyond our prejudices, our racism, sexism, heterosexism, Islamophobia, anthropocentric world view...we have to get past the fear.  We have to get past grabbing what we insist is ours instead of caring for "the least of these" in whom we find Christ again and again. We have to get over the word "mine" and instead start using the word "ours" in relation to everything.  There is no "mine".  Everything we have belongs to God and is entrusted into our care for us to share, and to be stewards over.  It's very simple.  And very clear.

We also have to have faith that there really is enough, and more than enough, for all of us.  God is the God of abundance (look how much water was turned into wine!) after all!  But if we insist on grabbing more than is our fair share, there won't be.  So it has to start by sharing, and it has to end with sharing. For each and every one of us.

I realize how hard this is to do.  I realized it as I watched this situation with my daughter at the Aquarium.  I was too far away to interfere in that moment.  But if I had been closer, it would have been impossible for me to not react to this woman's "grabbiness" by grabbing back.  As she pushed in front of my daughter, it would have been all I could do to not shove her in response rather than talking calmly and clearly.  But the more we are reactive, the more we demand our own, even in response to others doing the same; the more we respond with "an eye for an eye," the more we become part of creating the reality of an increasingly blinded world.  There was a reason Jesus argued against that very passage and insisted instead that we respond to evil and anger and even violence with love.  He is the one we are supposed to follow.  If you insist on demanding your own rights over those of any other human being, if you insist on revenge thinking, if you insist on denying any other person food, water, shelter, love; if you choose fear and anger and hate over grace, forgiveness and love, then do not tell me you follow the Prince of Peace.  Do not deceive yourself about what you really follow and what you really believe.

We have to get past our entitlement thinking.  Just because we were born privileged does not mean we are entitled to that privilege.  It is a gift to be shared, not one to be boasted of and kept to ourselves.  Again, I realize our media, our culture, our current political situation claim otherwise.  They teach us daily that what is mine is MINE, not to be shared, but to be guarded and hoarded with everything we have.  But that is not the way of our faith. Our faith stories, all of them, teach us love instead.  Again, we are all on this path, and getting there will be imperfect for each one of us.  But we must try.  The grace we will experience through that trying is the only thing that can save us.

What is it to really love?

What is it to love? 

The dictionary defines it in the following ways:

a  (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child>  (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers  (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> 

b : an assurance of affection <give her my love>

2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

3a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love> 

b  (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment  (2) British —used as an informal term of address

4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as  (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind  (2) : brotherly concern for others 

b : a person's adoration of God

Why is it that we don’t get to “unselfish concern for another” until the fourth definition?  And are we really capable of that unselfish concern for another?  For anyone?  The closest we come is perhaps our love of our children.  But I think that most of us expect something in return for the love we give.  Why else would we become heartbroken when someone we love (in whatever way – and that includes any of our children) doesn’t return that love?

Is it just that we miss them?  No, because in some cases we still see and interact with the other even if they don’t love us: we are around them, even if they don’t love us.  Also, with people we love with whom we do feel secure, we don’t necessarily spend the time away from them hurting or missing them.  We may think about them, but it doesn’t usually hurt to do so.

Is it about our egos?  Yes.  When someone loves us we feel good about ourselves and who we are.  This is especially true if it is someone we admire, respect, love.  Their love affirms us as worthy, as valued.  When they don’t love us, it hurts because it feels like they are making us somehow less.  I am a big Columbo fan and in one of the murder mysteries that I watched last week, a jilted lover killed her former partner.  I get it.  But I don’t think that’s really love. 

I mean, what kind of love is it that is about getting something in return?  It is a natural human love, but it isn’t the kind of love that God calls us to.  People of faith are called to love unselfishly and unconditionally.  We are called to love in a way that is truly about seeing the other, affirming the other and giving care.  Love in this way is not even about liking the other person – it is about wanting the highest good for the other.  That is what love, at its best, is really about.  That is the kind of love that God calls us to have for everyone we encounter – friend and foe alike.  And I actually think that this kind of love is somehow easier to give to people we don’t LIKE as much.  We can care about them without expecting something in return because we don’t have our egos invested in the same way.  We can provide care for them without putting our self-esteems on the line if they reject our efforts.  We can truly love them in an unselfish way because we don’t care as much how they respond, react, or return that love to us.

All of these thoughts have led me into a practice of praying differently for people than I did before.  I think in the past many times my prayers for others have had too much of my ego in them.  I have prayed with all of my feelings very present about each individual – whether those feelings be positive or negative, they have been there.  And I find myself now doing the practice that 12-step groups encourage of really praying for what is best for each person, regardless of how that will affect me.  It feels very different because it requires putting myself into their shoes – really putting myself into their situations and thinking about what is best for them from that place (not what is best for me with them, or what is best for the two of us together, or what is generically best).  Knowing that we are called even to pray for our enemies, I used to pray pretty generally for those with whom I was upset or hurt – things like “I pray for the best wholeness and goodness for __________.  I pray for reconciliation between us.  I pray for healing.”  That’s fine.  But I’m trying to go deeper and more real in my love for these individuals, in my genuine love for them, despite my feelings of like or hurt - putting aside my own ego.  So instead I find myself really putting myself into their place and thinking about what I would need and want in those places.  Now the prayers are more “I pray for ____________ that they feel the love and care that they need each and every day.  I pray that _______________ can make their primary relationship into one that is affirming, life-giving, uplifting.  I pray that _______________ may be healed from a sense of pain and disappointment.  I pray that depression is lifted.  I pray that __________ may no longer feel alone or lonely, but feel surrounded by your love and care.  I pray that _____________’s children may also be whole and healthy and strong.”  I put myself in their shoes and think about what they are going through.  I think about what they are experiencing.  And from that place I pray for them. 

          As I have mentioned before, I have a prayer bowl in which I have the names of people for whom I am praying.  And when I was praying the way I was before, afterwards, I often felt God calling me to take out of the prayer bowl any with whom I was personally upset or hurt because I needed to really turn them over to God.  But when I pray in this way, I find instead that I am called to keep praying for them daily: to keep sending that positive energy and hope for their wholeness, happiness, well-being, and connection with God.  Because before, focusing on people whom I had hurt or who had hurt me was putting me into my own hurts and ego challenges, keeping me stuck and focused on problems and pain.  But now, it isn’t about me.  It is truly about the other person – seeing them, loving them with all the care I can, and praying for the best for each of them.  As a result, I found myself putting back into my prayer bowl a couple people whom I hadn’t prayed for in awhile, but who really need prayers (as we all do).

          I am reminded of the following scene from Bruce Almighty (get through the first 15 seconds or so to the real prayer part).

Bruce finally is able to leave his ego behind for awhile, to see the other person and to pray the best for her, regardless of the hurt he was feeling.  That is love.  That is real love.  It is not about what I want, but what is best for the other.
    I'll admit, sometimes this is hard to do.  Sometimes the pain and hurt come up for me.  And I don't think God wants us to just shove those feelings away, either.  So I separate them out.  When I pray for the other, it is about them. I put myself in their shoes and pray genuinely for happiness, wholeness and well-being.  Then the prayer is about their faith, their connection with God, their peace and growth.  But then I also pray for me - and that allows me to also express my feelings and hurts and to turn them over to God for healing as well.
    This is learning to love in the way God calls us to love - without ego, without selfish regard, without it being about ME.  That is a journey worth taking.  And I thank God for putting all of us on the path.