(I apologize that the spacing, etc is so weird. Blogger has changed things and I can't seem to edit some of the hidden codes in this to fix it).
James 1:19-27, Matthew 18:15-22, Luke 11:2-4
Today’s
passage from Matthew is a familiar one.
It comes around every three years through the regular lectionary, as it
has this week. But it is also a familiar
passage because I think we refer to it often in our congregations when we are
talking about confrontation, problems, disagreements, and how to work them
through. We all know that people almost
universally in our culture find it easier and more compelling to talk about one
another than to talk to one another. And
we know that this is a serious problem in many communities, but perhaps
especially in the church. In
professional settings behaviors such as gossip and talking behind backs tends
to be more regulated and have more consequences. But in volunteer communities, such as the
church, people can behave in ways that are very destructive. For example, the tendency towards gossip is
strong everywhere, but in our congregations perhaps it is even more so. It happens in every congregation. But I think one of the number one signs of
the health of a congregation is how much power that gossip is given within a
church community. Do people take what
they hear through gossip, treat it as “truth” and pass it forward,
anonymously? Or do they insist that
people speak only for themselves, telling their own stories only, not what
“someone in the church has said”?
The congregation that I served in
Ohio was, frankly, an incredibly healthy congregation. And when someone tried to spread nasty
gossip, or to attack others behind their backs, not only were those comments
not treated as ‘truth”, not only were they not passed along, but the people who
the gossips tried to attack were NEVER told, “someone in the church told me in
confidence, but I think you should know…”
Or “I can’t tell you who said this, but x, y, z.” These are unhealthy behaviors. If someone has said something, we are told in
Matthew, they need to speak it directly to the person, to claim it, to own it. If they have to hide behind, “well, don’t
tell anyone where you heard this,” or “don’t tell so-and-so that I said this”
then it should NEVER be said in the first place. If we cannot own the stories we are speaking,
they should never be spoken. And if it
is someone else’s story, it is never ours to share. The only anecdote to the poison of gossip is
transparency. I want to say that again:
the ONLY anecdote to the poison of gossip is transparency. That means owning what we are saying, not
passing on things that are not ours to tell, making sure that everyone owns
their own actions and own words.
Why? Well, this is important for a multitude of
reasons.
We
all know the story of the game operator.
One person whispers a story to another.
That person doesn’t quite hear it the way it was said, or more often,
the way it was intended and whispers it to the next person. By the time it comes back to the original
speaker again, it has changed into something unrecognizable. Gossip recreates that game, usually in
destructive ways. This is not because
people are intentionally unkind. It’s
just that we all like a good drama and so we tend, both in our hearing but also
in our retelling of events, to build them up, just a little, which then is
built up more by the next person, etc. I
think about the parishioner of one of my congregations who told me she was
leaving the church because of something she had heard. What she told me she had heard had maybe 5%
truth in it. But she believed it. When asked who told her this, she hid behind
“confidentiality” which meant that there was no possible way to do the truth
telling that was needed in the community to dispel this particular rumor. She left because she gave gossip power; the
power to determine for her what was true.
She clung to the gossip, even when faced with the truth, and she left the
church body because of it. Her story is
not unique. This happens everywhere, and
it is one of the many reasons Jesus wrote that when we are upset with someone
or hurt by someone we are to go to them directly, speak to them directly. Not talk ABOUT it, but talk TO the persons
with whom we are having issues.
There
is another important reason why we should own our own stuff, not gossip, not
speak for or about others. And that is
that when we choose to champion someone else’s problem for them, we believe we
are doing something good, something heroic and kind even. We are standing up for someone. We are being their savior, defender. But the truth is that what we are really
doing is saying that that person is weak, incapable of defending themself,
incapable of speaking their own truth.
We are not respecting or honoring someone by doing the work of speaking for
them.
My
family watched Murdock Mysteries for a time.
This is a historical fiction murder mystery series that takes place in
the early 1900’s. At one point the woman
coroner, Julia Ogden, is arguing with the chief of police. She is holding her own, but she at one point
turns to Murdock who is just watching the argument and not saying
anything. She expresses frustration that
he is not defending her and stomps out of the police station. Later she confronts him on it. “Why didn’t you defend me!” To which he replied, “you did not need me to
do that for you! I knew that you were a
strong enough woman that you did not need to be ‘rescued’ or ‘saved’ by the big
powerful man. If I had jumped in, the
police chief never would have come to respect YOUR strength and your ability to
speak for yourself as a full human being.”
Julia was stunned, but also realized the truth of what Murdock had
said. If he had jumped in to “rescue”
her, it would have been a strong statement of her inability to stand up for
herself and be counted as a full adult to be respected and trusted for her own
words and abilities.
We
do and should stand up for children. But we also know that it is more important for us to empower them to speak for themselves. We
should and do stand up for people who are oppressed by the larger system. But in doing so, we are recognizing that they have limited power and that it is much, much better to empower their words than to speak for them. When we choose to
“stand up” for someone else, we are taking away
from them the power they do have on their own: we are lessening their perceived
strength if not, in fact, their actual strength. We diminish them in so doing.
A
third reason we should not do this is that those who are victimized by our
unkindness, by our gossiping, by our slander, by our love of drama and our failure
to listen tend to be the people who have less privilege in the first
place. They have less privilege for a
number of reasons: fewer social skills, less standing in the community: or in
the larger world, less power because of being marginalized for one reason or
another. We are called to “check our
privilege” and to not live that out or act that out.
To
take that a step further, a commentary written by Audrey West in the Working
Preacher said it this way, “This passage (from Matthew on how to confront) can
easily become dangerous and abusive if it is interpreted in the context of
either individualism or legalism, both of which can result in the attempted
control and manipulation of the offender due to a sense of victimization.”
The
truth of this is obvious when we hear white people claiming to be victims of
racism. We are the people in power. But when we abuse that privilege by claiming
to be the victims ourselves, we control the situation in dangerous ways. Sometimes
those with “lesser” power use these behaviors, gossip, victimization, to
reclaim their own power. But there is great
danger in doing so.
In
the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Toula was upset because her father
had told her that she cannot go to college.
In his words, “women don’t need education.” And Toula approached her mother in tears
saying, “Dad is so stubborn. And what he
says goes. ‘The man is the head of the
house.’” Her mother responded with, “Let
me tell you something, Toula. The man is
the head of the house. But the woman is
the neck. And she can turn the head any
way she wants!” At the time that I heard
that, I was impressed with that thinking.
In Patriarchal cultures and families, then, there still is some power in
the female of the couple. But then I saw
the way in which she claimed her power.
And it was through the victimization that we named before. “Oh, so women don’t need education because we
aren’t as smart? You don’t think I’m as
smart as you?” It was manipulative, but
also harmful to herself because it was lacking in honesty, it did not allow her
to claim her power with authenticity or strength.
I
think about the phrase I’ve heard so many people use, “Who wears the pants in
the family?” Usually what we mean by
that is who appears to be in charge, the more dominant member of the household,
the alpha dog as it were. But I remember
very clearly counseling a couple where the one who “wore the pants” by everyone
else’s understanding really had no ultimate power because his wife again used
the victimization behavior to get whatever she wanted. If her husband would not listen to her
“you’ve wronged me”, “you’ve mistreated me” statements that were made in
response to any decision he made (whether it affected her or not) that she
didn’t agree with, then she would take her complaint to the larger family
group. “He wronged me, he mistreated
me!” until the husband was badgered, bullied and pressured into doing what she
wanted. People use victimization as a
weapon, as much as others use dominance as a weapon. They use gossip as a way to control others,
to reclaim power. But these methods of
claiming power damage our own souls. We
know we are exaggerating the stories, we know that we are not being honest or
truthful, we know that we are being manipulative. And that lack of honest claiming of one’s own
voice, one’s own truth harms no one more than it harms ourselves. It obfuscates truth. People think they are making choices based on
reality, but they are not. They are
making choices based on falsehoods. This
happens at all levels: politically, personally, and in smaller communities as
well. (It takes keen perception to see
where the power truly lies in any situation.
It is often not where we think it really is.)
This
passage from Matthew addresses all of that.
By insisting that people stop the victimization, stop the gossiping,
stop the excuse of “I was told not to say who said this but…”, all of these
power plays, abuses of power and dishonest interactions are ended. Relationships have a chance then of being
restored based on honesty and truth and trust, rather than destroyed because of
gossip and lies.
I
think it is vital to notice that what this passage emphasizes again and again is
that true communication, healthy confrontation, a commitment to working out
problems in community begins with listening.
Listening is mentioned here four times in the first three verses of this
passage from Matthew. James said it this
way, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become
angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
But
people really struggle to listen. And what
I find the most interesting is that it is often those who claim others aren’t
listening who themselves listen the least.
Let me say that another way: it is often true that no one listens less
than the person who is accusing others of not listening.
Let
me give you an example. The Presbytery I used to be part of went through a long discernment process on
whether or not they would vote to support the ordination of LGBTQ+ folk. They had three separate presbytery meetings
on the issue. At the first one a
well-known speaker in favor of the ordination came and presented for an hour
followed by break out groups for discussion.
Not surprisingly, those against the ordination simply chose to not
attend this meeting. They simply did not
come. The next month we reversed
it. We had someone speak against the
ordination for an hour, again followed by break out groups for discussion. Interestingly, everyone turned out for this one,
even our LGBTQ+ members for whom it was an extremely painful day. At the third meeting then we took our
vote. And as a Presbytery we voted
overwhelmingly in favor of the ordination of LGBTQ+ persons. The response from those who disagreed? “You didn’t listen!” The clerk of the Presbytery meeting had the
numbers. She was able to point out that
everyone had shown up to hear the person arguing against this stand, and that
many of those who were angry with the decision, in contrast, had chosen not to
listen or attend the meeting where the person in favor of the decision had spoken. And yet still, the cry rallied long and hard,
“You didn’t listen!”
There
is a strong difference between not listening and not agreeing. It is very possible to listen and still not
agree. But while we know that is true
from our own perspectives, do we give others that same benefit of the
doubt?
So,
returning to the Matthew passage and his clarity around how we are to talk to
one another, especially when there are problems, what does all of this really mean? Several things:
1.
1. First and
foremost, we are called to speak directly to others when we are upset or feel
mistreated about something. I gave
reasons above why this is important. To
reiterate, speaking truth directly prevents the harm of growing misinformation,
it empowers others to claim their own voice and speak for themselves, and it avoids
the evil and damage of malicious gossip. 2. When someone does repeat gossip to us about
someone else, we need to not give it power.
That means it is OUR responsibility to say, “it sounds like you need to
go and speak to that person directly.”
If they are asking you to stand up for them, ask them to come along,
tell them that you will use their name if you are being asked to repeat the
information. If you hear, “please say
something but don’t tell them it came from me,” then I would first off be very
suspicious about the truth of the story at all.
Why don’t they want to be associated with their own words? We must encourage one another to grow in
courage if people are afraid to speak their own truth. This is supposed to be a trusted community
where people can speak for themselves.
If it is not, then work must be done to fix that. 3.
Call them on it.
“Do not tell me things that you are not willing to own.” If that means they stop gossiping to
you? That would be a good thing! Maybe less interesting story and drama for
you, but in the end, a healthier, safer community. 4.
Refuse to repeat gossip. Again, if it is not your story to tell, don’t
tell it. Give others enough credit and
respect to believe they have the strength to speak for themselves and do not
need you to treat them as a child needing you to defend them. They can speak directly about their own
upsets and you should do the same. Go directly
to those who hurt you, not to other people trying to drum up their support for
your cause. 5.
Choose transparency therefore. Speak your truth and YOUR truth only. Speak it directly. 6.
And finally, and what is most important in all
of this: today’s passage from Matthew ends with forgiveness. There is a reason that the passages on
forgiving is part of this mandate to speak directly to people when you are
harmed or upset. Do your best to
reconcile. Speak your truth. But beyond all of that, let it go and
forgive. Jesus says, “if they don’t
listen then, treat them as a gentile or tax collector.” How did Jesus treat the Gentiles and tax
collectors? He loved them, he forgave
them repeatedly, he invited them into relationship. In other words, if they don’t listen, love
them anyway. Let it go. Forgive.
One of my colleagues in ministry said to our lectionary group this week,
“the one thing Satan can’t tolerate is forgiveness”. Yes.
Because evil thrives on our anger, on our hate, on our rage, on our
inability to be open and compassionate, and grace-full and loving. When we choose compassion and grace and
forgiveness, we are freed. As the Lord’s
Prayer teaches us, God is OUR parent, Our father – this is communal. We are stuck with one another. And the question for us, then, is how do we
live that out as people of faith? As the
Lord’s prayer tells us, but also as the passage in Matthew ends, we are to
forgive one another again and again and again.
Gossip is not an act of
reconciliation or forgiveness. It is
cruel, it is unkind and it is unacceptable.
Today’s passage begins with a call to go and speak directly to those who
upset you. And it ends with the call to
forgiveness, not seven times, but seventy seven times. This would have been understood at the time
to mean “for good” or “completely”.
Seven was considered a number of completion. Seven times Seventy meant “forever.” Each week we say the Lord’s prayer and we say
“forgive us our debts (or sins) as we forgive those who sin against us.” We are praying not only for God to forgive
us, but that we can forgive others.
Because the reality is that when we cannot forgive others, we cannot
understand or accept the forgiveness of God into our own hearts. It’s not because God doesn’t forgive us. But accepting forgiveness in requires a peace
that only comes from letting go of our anger towards others. Anger is a taking a poison and expecting the
other person to die.
We
are not free from each other. We are
free in each other, when we can be in relationship with those who are
different from ourselves and choose honest, open, transparent, forgiving,
caring.
None
of this is easy. It is a growing edge
for all of us. But it is vital to a
healthy and thriving community that we work on this with intention, with faith,
and most of all with love. Go and speak
your truth, but do it with love, preparing always to forgive. Amen.
