I haven't been sleeping well. I've been worried at many different levels. My parents are in the highly vulnerable category in terms of facing the pandemic, and they don't isolate easily, which means they've been a bit late in taking what are necessary precautions. I worry about my congregation, a mostly older congregation of folk who are very active in the world, taking care of their grandchildren, serving the highly vulnerable populations in our community with food, housing, tutoring and other services. I've been worried about them healthwise, but also, frankly, about their emotional well-being. They all thrive on community, on their time with each other and out in the world. Many of them live alone, and I've been deeply concerned about their isolation during this time. I've worried about our world, how those who don't have as many resources or as easy access to help are faring. I've worried about the children at the border in cages... will they be abandoned and left to their own fate? I've been concerned about jobs, businesses, and those that survive month to month which are now having to close for a time.
More personally, I was worried about getting my daughter home from college. The restrictions were tightening both at her end and on ours, flights were being canceled, we were being told we had to stay in our houses, and I was concerned that she would be stuck at an airport somewhere without a way to get home and without anyone I knew able to help her.
I've been concerned about what I've been seeing in terms of behavior: people's panic leading them into strange behaviors, like the hoarding of resources, and the prevention of others therefore obtaining necessities. I've also been concerned with seeing extremes in behavior: collecting things like water and subsitute utilities, ignoring the basic facts of the pandemic which indicate that our utilities and water resources have not been and will not be affected in any way. While passing on false news stories and fake articles found on FB is not a new problem, in terms of the news about this virus, some of the stories that have hit my in-box have been utterly beyond belief, but passed on by well-meaning people who have simply forgotten the importance of checking things out before blindly believing and being a conduit for nonsense.
I've found myself reading about and reflecting on other pandemics, many of which were so much more wide-spread and fatal than this current one. Some of the stories I've read have been very disturbing, showing that the worse the disease, the more inhumane people are in response: to the point, in some cases, of even leaving children to suffer on their own because of the fear to one's own life. I don't understand those stories. I would rather die than see my children harmed. And if my children died and I lived? I'm not sure life would feel worth living at that point. Obviously we are not acting this way now. But it has worried me to think that our physical, spiritual and emotional health are so intertwined that when we are hit with a physical calamity, our morals can be tossed out the window in this way.
I've wondered if we aren't, at some level, preparing for a pandemic that would, in fact, also be much more deadly and rampant. The plague... black death killed between 1/3 and 1/2 the population, for example. We are learning, through this one, how to isolate, how to limit exposure and spread, and how to stay connected even while we are apart. In some ways we are doing a good job, though the grocery stores seem to still be places of mass connection.
In the midst of this, then, I feel that we are always called to look for God, or the Good, or Love, or what is greater and better than what is worrying us at the moment. So here are my visions of the good on this day:
I was able to get my daughter from the airport yesterday and she is home. I cannot say how grateful I am for this. I miss her so much that it physically hurts when she is gone. And to have her home a little early, and for a longer time than expected is a deep gift to me. Frankly, I rarely have enough time with my children when they are home, and while I am still working (and in many ways working more hours than I did before as I learn new technology and am trying to provide more than usual pastoral care for those whom I no longer see in person), being home has allowed me to at least be in the same place as them for a time. We are spending more time playing games, reading together, talking more, baking together, catching up on movies we've wanted to see. And for all of that, I am deeply grateful. As Jasmyn and I were driving home from the airport yesterday (5:45PM on a Wednesday, driving East through the Caldecott tunnel without any kind of slowing down at all!!), I was able to look around and see the beauty of these hills, of the green trees and grass during this time, to not be anxiously caught in any kind of traffic or worry about other cars taking unnecessary risks to get where they were going.
I am so much more aware of the gifts that we normally have of freedom to travel, freedom to congregate, freedom to commune with one another. These are things that are normally taken for granted by all of us. Perhaps we will be able to remember, when they return to us, what gifts they really are.
I understand that as a result of the decreased human activity, there are places where the wildlife is returning, is growing once again where it hasn't grown or been active for a while. For example, dolphins have been found in the canals in Italy!
I appreciate to a much greater degree the gifts of technology, the ways in which we can stay connected even when we are apart. This has been especially helpful for those who live alone or are in other ways much more isolated.
Every day I hear new stories of helpers, good people, living their lives out as models of love. Our medical people, with their commitments to care despite personal risk are beyond amazing. But other people, too, are stepping forward. In my own community, I cannot tell you how many people have called offering help to those who need it: running errands, driving people to appointments, and more. While my daughter and I were both kept home on our birthdays this year, parishioners came by with balloons and other gifts to drop off, cards and well wishes were sent. I am aware that while crises can bring out the worst in some people, in other people it instead brings out the best! I am getting to see the best and that is a gift indeed.
Finally, in a couple cases, I feel that people are more aware of their mortality now and are working harder to reconcile, make amends, "get their houses in order". This too is an amazing gift. No matter what happens during this crisis, taking time to fix relationships, to heal problems, to reevaluate what matters to each of us and to reprioritize - this is an amazing gift that can make all of our lives, for no matter how long we have them to live, fuller, healthier, more whole, centered, and peace-filled.
I will continue to pray for my communities and for the world. I will, undoubtedly, continue to worry, too. But I also am grateful during this time, for the gifts that come despite, and sometimes because of, changing situations and even crises. Peace to you all this day and every day. I am grateful for each of you! Please don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it or to reach out. We are here for you.
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