Different places, good and bad. Or, missing Ohio, despite the gifts of being home.

Truly, it is good to be "home".  The weather is better for me psychologically as well as physically (since my primary exercise is walking and I can do that almost year round out here).  It is good to be with family and friends I've known for years.  It is a gift to be in communities that used to mean so much to me and to find that I am still welcomed and wanted as if I had never left.  I love my new church community.  There is much that is good.

However, there is also a lot that I miss about Ohio.  The fall trees, the green, the Metroparks, the lakes, the more reasonable pace of life, the fact that people are not so mobile, stay where they are and therefore tend to be more connected.  There are many people I miss deeply.

But the truth is that this evening, Halloween, I missed Ohio more deeply and fully than I yet have. Halloween in our neighborhood in Ohio was an amazing community event.  Despite the cold (often well below freezing on this Hallowed Eve's night), our neighbors would often be outside with their portable fire pits, sitting in their driveways, wrapped up near these blazing fires, handing out candy to the parade of kids who walked by.  Houses were decorated, Halloween was restricted to a two hour window, and there were only a few neighborhood houses that did not participate.  We got to know our neighbors on Halloween, and my kids would be greeted by name at the different houses, as well as by many of the other kids from their schools whom they knew and would pass by or walk around with, talking animatedly the whole way about their costumes and candy and Halloween traditions. Some houses would hand out treats (popcorn, etc) for the adults as well.  I loved Halloween in Ohio. I loved dressing up myself, but mostly, I loved the amazing community event that was Halloween.  I didn't like the cold, I'll grant you that, but the evening was a wonderful way to celebrate neighborhood.

In contrast, tonight it was a balmy 70 degrees outside - wonderful weather to be outside, sitting, talking, visiting with folk.  We live in a very nice neighborhood, "one of the best" in our area, we've been told again and again.  And yet, as we headed out the door I saw what I had remembered from when I lived in the Bay Area before, that instead of it being the rare house that had its lights OFF, it was a very rare house that had its lights ON.  We live on a court that has about 20 houses.  Three of them had their lights on.  We walked to a nearby court.  Same thing.  We did not see any other kids outside until the end when we saw one other family walk by.  One.  Family.  This was not a community event.  This was a "turn off the lights and hide from the beggars" evening.  And I found my heart aching.  Aching for those neighborhood connections, aching for that kind of community, aching for the warmth and connections and celebration of childhood that Halloween could be and is in other places.

My kids had worked hard on their costumes, putting them together from things we had around the house. (We don't tend to buy costumes.  I want them to be creative). They'd worked on them for weeks, preparing for this evening.  They were excited and talked about nothing else all day.  But I found all of us came back from trick or treating quiet, cranky, disappointed.  They don't care about the candy.  We actually have a "candy fairy" who offers them a present in exchange for their candy if they so choose - a choice they always make because they have inherited from their mom a lack of enthusiasm for sweet things (chocolate excepted, of course!).  It isn't the candy.  It's the community and the creativity of costumes that they look forward to.  But only a few people saw their costumes, and they saw none others except this one family with their two little kids in store-bought Cinderella and Star Wars costumes.  We came back quiet.  And missing our neighborhood in Ohio.

I believe we need to be the world we want.  So I have a year to figure out now how to recreate community around Halloween for my kids.  Maybe we will have a party for their friends.  Maybe we will host something at church.  I don't know yet.  I do know that it was a gift to have those Halloween experiences in Ohio.  And that missing that this year reminds me how important community events really are.  For tonight, we are quiet.  And tomorrow I will start to dream bigger.  Next year we will create community.  And we will plan better, knowing that things here are different.  Communities have different gifts and different challenges.  There have been many gifts in moving back.  But tonight we remembered one of the challenges.  Ohio community, don't change.  Keep being what you are because you have no idea what a gift that is.  California community, we have some work to do. But together, I think we can create something beautiful here as well.  To all communities, we have gifts and challenges.  Other communities have things to teach us, and with experiences other places, we can learn and grow as well.  That is a gift.  Thanks be to God.

Thoughts on the Homeless Population

Your biggest fear about the homeless is absolutely true.  I hate to be the one to tell you this, to cause more fear and pain for you.  But until we face this reality, there is nothing we can do to move through our fear or figure out a solution to the problem.  So I will tell you the truth that we are so afraid to name, but that is true, beyond a shadow of a doubt:

It is absolutely true that the homeless are no different from you or I.

There it is.  A terrifying reality, but a true one.

Like us, some homeless are educated and others aren’t.  Like us, some homeless struggle with addictions and some do not.  Like us, some homeless struggle with mental illness and some do not.  Like us, some have tempers and some do not.  Like us, some are violent and some are not.  Like us, some homeless work and some do not.  Some have children, some have elderly parents that they worry about.  Some have skills, some don’t.  Some have had hard childhoods and others haven't. And so here is the corollary that is even scarier for most of us:

It is absolutely true that you or I could easily become the homeless person we fear so deeply. 

The one thing that separates us is that we who are not homeless have resources, and usually those include a support network for when times are hard, whereas the homeless don’t.  That is the only difference.  And sometimes even that difference is a slim, fleeting and tenuous one.

For two and a half months this summer, the children and I were homeless. We did not have a home. I became all too aware that the difference, again, was that we had resources which included and continue to include a support system.  Therefore we were lucky and we had a place to sleep each night.  We bopped around from house to house, dragging our bags, not in a grocery cart, but in my car (another resource that I have that many homeless do not, though again, that, too, is not universal). We did not experience what it was to have to sleep on the street.  We did not experience fear of the police, of being moved from whatever shelter we found, of being attacked, or of having our things stolen.  We did not experience hunger or worrying about where we would eat next.  I am not unaware that our experience was completely different from what the normal homeless population experiences.  

But I did learn some things.  I learned how hard it is to feel ungrounded, displaced, and without a place that is "ours" to go home to.  I learned that it is extremely stressful and hard on kids (and adults) to be moved around from place to place, to not be able to relax, to feel that we can't breathe or we might break something that wasn't ours.  I learned how easy it was for things to go missing as we moved from place to place, sometimes expensive or irreplaceable things, and how few things we could actually manage to take with us as we moved around so often.  I learned what things, therefore, were "necessary" and what things were really luxuries.  I learned that each day was an unknown, each day the schedule was unpredictable, each day involved chaos, and stress, and confusion.  I learned that when all you have is each other, you do bond closer together, but it doesn't mean you are always nice to one another.  Stress causes crankiness, it just does.

Without a home address I was unable to register my kids for school. Without a home address I was unable to get a California driver's license.  Without a home address I couldn't even obtain a library card, or a grocery discount card.  Without the California driver's license, other doors were closed to me as well.  I couldn't get anything notarized, I couldn't set up a bank account, I couldn't get local checks.  In each of those cases I not only had to give an address, but had to provide "proof of residency", something I simply could not provide.  There was no address to forward my mail to. There was no place to receive my bills.  Without "free wifi" places like Starbucks, I really would have struggled to do these basic things like paying bills and staying in touch with those who could help us along the way. Without a cell phone I really would have been sunk in terms of how to connect with the resources that would help us to get "un"-homeless.  Without my car...well, there is just nothing we would have been able to do.

Financially, moving across the country, trying to get into housing, dealing with still having a house to sell in Ohio - none of that would have been possible without the financial help of my extended family.  And of that, too, I was all too aware.  I had a job here.  I had it immediately and that, too, is a difference from what our homeless brothers and sisters often experience.  And yet even with that job, I needed help financially.  I learned it is extremely expensive to be homeless, and to move, and to set up in a new place.  If something had happened to my parents during that time?  All of us would have been in serious trouble.

I learned.  I learned what I said above.  The only difference between us and the homeless is that we have a support network with resources including the generosity of others that allowed us to be okay, each and every day.  I learned what I have said before, that to those who have, even more will be given, and that to those who have not, even what they have gets taken away (NOT taken by God, but by our culture which fears and distrusts the "have nots" to such an extent that they are simply not allowed to get what they need).

I was all too aware, as I dragged my children with me everywhere I went of places that had policies that discriminated against the homeless and others who are "without".  If a place made a "no children" policy or a "no loitering" policy then my children and I could not be there.  We had places to go, family to be with, friends to visit.  Still, without a home, there were times when we meandered, when I felt we could not impose on someone and went to find places to be during the day.  We went to parks and libraries.  But I wondered how we would have managed if we had not had places to stay at night.

We want to put the homeless in a separate category.  We want to believe it is their fault they are without, and that if they had planned, or had worked, or had...whatever it is, that they would not be homeless.  We want to believe it is their "karma" that has led them there and that, therefore, we have no responsibility to help them.

But I say to you again what I said before, there is no difference between the homeless and us except for resources.  And if we were to care for one another as we are called to do, there would not be homelessness in the way there is now (there still might be a few who choose not to have a home - that is a different situation and is such a tiny percentage of the population that it is not what I am focusing on here).  If we were to care for one another in the way we are called, then we would not have to fear the homeless because we would not have to fear being "without" ourselves.  We would know that we would be okay because the community would help us get back on our feet.  We would know that our kids would be okay.  But that is not the way things are now.  In our fear, we see them as "separate", as "other" and as "not like us". And so, in our fear, we keep them ever more "separate", "other" and "not like us" even when this is a myth we are buying, selling and promoting.  This myth escalates the problem.

We won't get through this treating people as different or as other.  We won't grow or be safe until we truly get that we are all one and that when you hurt, I hurt too; or until we understand that, as Seal put it so eloquently, "I may not know what you're going through, but time is the difference between me and you." We won't know community and love and peace until we treat all people with the kind of care and compassion we are called to embody.

I am grateful for my limited experience of "homelessness" just for the reminder of how close we really are to being truly homeless and truly without.  May it inspire more compassion within me as I encounter those who "have not" each day. I wish compassion and understanding for you as well.

Anger, Road Rage, etc.

I saw an encounter on the road today.  Not atypical, actually.  But since I was off to the side, wasn't driving and could give it my full attention, I saw it more fully than I might otherwise have done.  The drop off process at my kids' school is, well, it's pretty much a "drive where you can, drop off when you can, get back into traffic when possible" kind of process.  Since there are no buses out here, it is pretty crazy actually.  Often there end up being three lanes of cars in the one lane, each dropping off kids in the middle of the road, while others are trying to get out and back into traffic.  To say it's not orchestrated well would be a huge understatement.  Truly, I don't think there have been any attempts at orchestration at all.  It's an insane free-for-all and, inevitably, there are conflicts in this process. It's amazing that no kids have been hit through this so far.  And I find myself holding my breath each day as I watch Middle try to get out of the car and into the school, just praying that he, and all the other kids, will actually make it.  So this morning, no surprise, a conflict arose. Without trying to go into details about a very confused and confusing situation, let's just say that two of the three lanes of cars (which were actually all in one lane) had dropped off kids at the same time, and both where trying to pull back into the one lane at the same exact time.  They almost collided, but didn't.  What was interesting to me though was that one of the drivers became irate, started screaming his head off, calling the other driver an idiot and other names I choose not to print here, and eventually gunned his car in rage, almost hitting two or three other cars as well as an older man trying to walk into the school, and squealed off cursing the whole way.

I thought about how we choose what we contribute to the world and that this morning that driver contributed anger, hurt, and pain rather than grace, compassion and patience.

I thought about the other driver and prayed that being yelled at like that did not ruin her day.

I thought about the fact that none of us know what either of those drivers had and were experiencing this morning, this week, this month or this year and that we therefore just don't know what led up to that rage, nor how it affected both once it was expressed.

I thought about how we try to teach our kids to control their rage reactions by using words - not attacking words, but good words, words that tell how we are feeling rather than words that attack the other.  And yet sometimes we fail to model that for our children, and some even seem to grow up without learning these lessons for themselves.

But mostly, I found myself thinking about anger, about rage.  What is it in those moments that causes us to forget the humanity of the other person?  What is it about being in our cars that allows us to classify all the other drivers as either maniacs (those who drive faster and wilder than we do), or idiots (those who drive more slowly and cautiously than we do)?  My guess is that if I were to ask that angry driver if he ever made mistakes in his car he would have to agree that of course he did.  Does that then make him an idiot?  No, it makes him a person who is human, as we all are.  Why, then, are we unable to have compassion for other drivers who make errors in their cars?  More to the point in this situation, why are we unwilling or unable to see our own contributions to difficult driving situations?  Both cars were trying to get through a tough situation.  Both cars failed to look at the other before pulling out. One was not at fault.  BOTH were.  And yet, one was able to own her part.  One was not.  Why? Why is it so hard to just admit we make mistakes too?  And then, under it all, why do situations like this cause rage at all?  Maybe he was afraid for a moment of his car being hit and that fear became anger. But many times people are rude, angry, rageful in their cars when there is no danger to either body or property.  And then I wonder, why is anger our first and strongest reaction in those situations?  The other person was not trying to hurt us.  The other person was not intentionally making errors or was not intentionally the person who was in the wrong place when we made an error.  Rage just seems like the American "go to" feeling right now, especially in our cars.

So, here is my lecture for the world this day:
Rage is dangerous.  And I think we would do well to work towards a different "go to" feeling.

The expression of that rage in these childish ways is unhelpful.  We would do better to go back to kindergarten lessons.  Take a breath.  Step back.  And then, use your words productively; "I feel x when you do y because of z".

We really do choose how we contribute to our world each day, and it would be good to strive to contribute more compassion, grace, patience and understanding.  We seem to be in short supply as a world lately.  It would be good to practice these and strive in all things to contribute more of these positive things to those around us.

When we are struggling to do that, we need to try to remember that the other person is human.  We don't know what they are going through this day. And chances are, if there is that much anger, they are having a hard time of it.  We can strive therefore to have compassion for them.

People in their cars are still people.  They are not all "maniacs" and "idiots".  They are people. Others on the journey.  Imperfect.  But trying.  That person you are looking at could be your mother, or your brother, or your future spouse.  Try to remember that.

Sunday's Sermon - Protestant Reformation

Jeremiah 31:27

Matthew 6:9-13

Luke 11:1-4

Today is the day of the year that we celebrate the reformation and I’d like to talk to you a bit about the reformation, what came from that, and why we do some of the things we now do in worship.  When I was at seminary, my professor described the reformation this way.  He took a bureau full of clothes and he said that that bureau was in essence the Catholic and Orthodox churches.  My professor said that Luther basically approached the bureau by opening each drawer and pulling out the things he found offensive, problematic, ungodly or unchristian and left the rest of the bureau intact.  That, then, became the Lutheran church – very similar to the Catholic Church except for a few things that were removed or changed.

Calvin and Zwingly, the founders of the Presbyterian Church, on the other hand, approached the bureau that was the church very differently.  Instead of pulling out the offensive articles, these two emptied the bureau completely, dumping everything onto the bed, and only putting back into the bureau those things which they found justified and upheld by scripture.  This then describes for us the Presbyterian Church…only those things which could be supported by our scriptures.

That meant that everything for Presbyterians was created, in a sense, again, from the beginning.  None the less, there is a lot that is similar with all of our protestant churches that arose through the reformation.  Some of those things we still value highly, and a few of them we have let slide.  Some of the key things that the Protestant reformation focused on was:

Priesthood of all believers.  This means that there is a recognition that all of us are called.  Pastors are not somehow better or more holy.  We are all equally called by God as God’s children.  We have a unique call to the ministry.  But you also have unique calls.  And together, we make up the church.  The ministers of the church are all the people.   The pastor of the church fulfills his or her call in a particular way. 

As a result of this reminder that all are called, many things changed.  One of the things that changed was the ROBES that the clergy wore.  Before the protestant reformation, the robes the priests wore were to signify that they were different, that they had a special calling that others didn’t.  But the robes changed for protestants.  For Presbyterians, they became academic gowns.  This signified that again, we were only different by what we had been trained to do.

Another important change was that the scriptures, prayers, etc before the reformation were written and read only in Latin.  That meant that only people educated in particular ways had access to the Biblical materials.  With the Protestant reformation, and the reminder that all people are God's children, it became important to recognize that God spoke to everyone through scripture and therefore it was very important for people to be able to read the scriptures in their own languages. Through the reformation it was recognized that people did not have to "go through" priests or saints to connect to God.  They could pray to God on their own, read scripture on their own, be in relationship with God directly.

Songs were set to accessible tunes in the music of the people of the time.  Catholic and Orthodox practice at the time meant that songs were  sung FOR The people – they were performed, rather than people singing the songs themselves.  But all of this, too, was changed.  Kierkegaard talked about worship as a theater.  He said that we tended to think of God as the prompterm the preacher and worship leaders as the performers and the congregation as the audience.  But he said this was wrong.  Instaed, God is the theatergoer.  The speaker (and worship leaders) are the prompters and the congregants are the performers.  Everything in worship then is done BY the people, though encouraged by the pastor and the other worship leaders.  And everything in worship is done FOR God.  

Much of this we still value, and yet there have been some reversions in this.  Going back to the beginning of this list – robes.  While originally, the robes of Presbyterians were academic gowns, making a statement that we are NOT different from everyone else – that we are called just as anyone is called to a profession, not separate, not better, not ABOVE, but a professional outfit, now, it has once again become a mark of being separate.  It distinguishes us, when the original point was to state that we are not “other” and not different. 

Reading the Bible in our own language.  Yes, our scriptures have become written in our own language now.  However, at the same time, we have hung on to archaic language that is no longer the language of the people in things like the way we say the Lord’s Prayer.  As we read in today’s scriptures, the way we say the Lord’s Prayer is NOT an accurate translation into today’s language of the people.  But we have become used to the way we do it.  It brings comfort at some level to say it in the words our parents used and our parents’ parents used.  There is value in that.  But there is also a cost.  The cost is that the children do not know what they are saying.  The prayer does not have the same meaning for them that it does for us.  And while we can talk about what these words mean with the kids, saying our most common prayers in THEIR language, in the language they use also sends an important message that God is not so lofty as to not want to hear from children.  God is here, and accessible and open to hearing even from our kids.  Similarly with some of our other songs and prayers.  When we use words like “thee”, “thou”, “thine” we set God off.  And again, while the message in that has value for some people, that God is above and holy and other, it also sends a message of inaccessibility.  The very message, in other words, that the protestant reformation was working to challenge.

Church music…Luther put his words to tunes that were similar to bar tunes, the tunes that the regular people listened to during their regular days.  How many of you listen to hymns other times than when you are in church?  Hmm….

But to me one of the bigger problems that the reformation was addressing was that people had become unaware any longer of why things were done the way they were done.  They had become stuck in traditions that no longer had any meaning other than a connection to what had gone on before.  So another part of what I want to do today is to talk to you about why we do some of the things we do, in church.  For example, what is the passing of the peace? 

Presbyterian Church is a constitutional church which means we have two books that tell us who we are and why we do what we do.  The first is our book of confessions, the second is our book of order.  This is what the book of order says the passing of the peace is:  “It is important in worship that we take the opportunity to seek and to offer forgiveness for hurts, misunderstandings and broken relationships among ourselves and that we respond to God’s act of reconciliation by exchanging signs and words of reconciliation and of Christ’s peace through the passing of the peace.”  (2.6001b)  So what does this mean?  The passing of the peace is a mending–of-hurts time, an act of forgiveness time, a reconciliation time.  In other words, the people we might approach during this time are those with whom we feel the need for reconciliation, or for offering or seeking forgiveness.  You can pass the peace on to others as well, but it is as a sign that God forgives and reconciles everyone.  You notice what it ISN’T?  It isn’t a “greeting time”.    In most churches it follows on the heels of our prayer of confession and acceptance of God’s grace because it is a sign that we have taken to heart God’s grace and now want to pass that on to each other.  And for this it is a wonderful gift to one another that we can touch and recognize the grace that is literally, physically given to us.

Because we are all the participants in worship, when the choir sings or when the children “perform”, they are praying or offering up to God on our behalf the prayers, praise, celebration, declaration of God’s love and our commitment to God.  So one of the questions that has come my way has to do with clapping in response to these offerings.  Is clapping in worship appropriate and why or why not?

To me the answer is this: if you are clapping as a way of saying, “Amen!  Yes, that’s my prayer!  Well said on our behalf!” then I think it is absolutely appropriate to clap in worship.  Calvin, though, says that if anything is not referencing God, then it should not be included, so our clapping is best when it honors God rather than the people who are offering the prayer on our behalf.

In worship, faith and celebration are not done for you.  You are the participants, and we are all equals before God.  As Jesus tells us in Matthew, “you have only one Master and all of you are brothers and sisters”.  You are the ones here to worship and honor God.  This is your performance or offering to God.

The bottom line, through all of this, is that everything in worship should be to God’s glory.  Every banner, every song, every prayer should be focused on God.  If a piece of art or an article in the sanctuary is focused on anything else – anything else, it is not appropriate in this space.  If something takes the place of prayer, it is not appropriate.  Our musicians work hard to prepare because they want to offer their best to God – and that is appropriate.  So, in light of this, what does it mean that we offer up announcements, joys and concerns during worship?  These, too, are prayers for the people of God.  They are celebrations of God’s acting in our lives.  

Wearing our Scars like Medals

I had a doctor's appointment last week.  It wasn't for any medical issue.  I was just setting up "care" under a doctor out here so that if I do get sick, I can get in to see someone.  We did the usual "intake" interview where I list past issues (not many) and current concerns (also not many).  But as I left I realized that it was the first time in the last 4 1/2 years that during a "care" conversation I didn't share anything about what my family has experienced in these last few years.  And I will admit, it felt ... different.

I found myself thinking about some of the conversations I've had with the male people in my life lately who have shown me with great pride the physical scars they carry, some from surgeries, some from injuries, some from great adventures, ALL of them marks of having endured, having survived, having gone through something and come out the other side.  My son, but others I know as well, wear their physical scars like medals.  Those scars show the person to have really lived, to have really suffered life in some way, and to have sustained some kind of hardship intact.  The scar is a sign of strength as well as a sign of being a person who has met life head on, participated in it, and become better because of it.  At some level those scars have become, not just part of their history, but part of their identity.  "Sam" is the person who survived that injury. "George" is the person who experienced this physical trauma.  Both are the persons of strength (again) and character, who made it through.

I realized that at some level, I have carried my scars, my emotional traumas and experiences in the same way.  I am the person who lived through hell.  I am the person who carried my family while going through my own personal nightmare.  I am the person who continued to pastor a church and work a job and a half and raise my kids as a solo mom while enduring the unthinkable in terms of public scandal, shame, shock, disappointment, judgment, rejection, loss and trauma.  I've worn these scars tentatively because I am all too aware that, first of all, everyone experiences hardships of one kind or another, and second, what I've gone through is still nothing compared to what some survive - war, hunger, chronic pain, torture, assault, etc.  I've worn my scars tentatively, but I have worn them. They, too, have marked me in a way that I've not only worn, but which have helped define me over these last few years.

To have left that doctor interview without sharing these stories marked a change for me.  And as I walked away, I realized that this was momentous in many ways.  To not only have declined to tell my story, but frankly, to not even have thought about it until I was leaving marked a significant change. It put that story squarely in the past, no longer as something that defines me now, no longer as a part of my current experience.  Are there still scars?  No doubt.  But they are smaller now, and they have moved to less obvious places.  They no longer take up a large part of my exposed visage, of my front, of my being.  I am much more than my past, and even than my experiences, both then and now. The kids and I have survived, but more than that, we've chosen to live as people who are today free from the restraints of a past that might have defined us a few years ago.
It no longer does.
And for that I am grateful.

Unconditional Love

WARNING - HARRY POTTER SPOILER ALERT!!  If you have not read all 7 books, stop here!

I've been thinking about unconditional love.  We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves.  We are called to love our enemies as ourselves.  We are asked to love with the kind of love God has for us, which means that we love unconditionally, want the best for the other unconditionally, work for the good of the other unconditionally, would be willing, even, to give our lives, unconditionally, for the other.

But are we really capable of doing that for others?  Truthfully, who among us loves like this?  We put conditions on our love for others.  One of the top conditions seems to be that the other loves us back. When the object of our love (any kind of love) rejects us, most of us stop loving the other, or at least try to stop loving the other.  I would take it a step further.  We move from wanting what is best for the other to truly wanting, and in some cases even actively working, for the worst for the other. We've become a people that exercises revenge on a regular basis. We enact revenge and I would say we even celebrate revenge.  Movies, songs, all lift up those who seek revenge as the heroes of our day. Songs with lines such as "I dug my keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...maybe next time he'll think before he cheats." This does not reflect any real kind of love at all. This is a "love" that does not care about what is best for the other, it is a "love" that cares about what is best for me and me alone. According to this love, if you hurt me, I should and will hurt you back. There is no conversation here, no forgiveness here, no working through things. There really isn't any letting go either. There is anger, there is revenge, there is no longer a concern at all about the well being of the other, the good of the other, the needs or wholeness of the other. When we are hurt, we want the one who has hurt us to hurt too.  When we are rejected, we want the one who has rejected us to suffer too.  Just to be clear, that isn't love.  It just isn't.  That is about wanting gratification, wanting to be loved, wanting to be cared for.  It is not about loving the other, caring for the other, wanting what is best for the other.

In contrast to this, I've been thinking about the character of Snape from the Harry Potter series.  The woman he is in love with rejected him for another man, a man whom Snape hated and who was truly unkind to Snape.  The woman he loves had a child by this man whom Snape hates.  And yet, Snape still would do anything for this woman, including protecting the child she had with his enemy.  Even after she has died, and there is nothing he can possibly get or gain from loving her, absolutely no chance of any return, he loves her completely.  He still works to protect her child, a child he hates, simply out of his love for her.  He loves her with the kind of unconditional love that does not seek revenge, that does not act out in anger, that does not inflict damage on the one who has broken his heart.  Snape, this unlikable, unattractive man demonstrates and models the kind of pure, unconditional love that we are called to learn, to give, and to seek.

I think about the Harry Potter stories.  And Snape, again, the most unattractive, most unlikable man, is the hero of them for me.  Yes, he is brave.  Yes, he risks and loses everything.  But he is the hero for me not for any of these reasons.  He is deeply human, and even unkind, prejudiced, mean at times. But he, and he alone, loves unconditionally in a way that I don't really see demonstrated very often in real life.

The closest many of us get to this is the way we love our children.  Even when our kids are horrible to us, we love them.  Even when our kids choose things that we deeply disagree with, most of us still love and support them.  But even there, I see and hear about parents rejecting their kids for various reasons.  The numbers of homeless teenagers, pushed out by parents is truly incredible to me.

And beyond our kids?  Can we love others with that same love that says, "I care about you no matter what"?   Can we love the person who called us names?  Can we love the person who rejected us? Can we love the person who actively worked to harm our career, our relationships, our standing in the community?  Can we love, and care about, and serve, and work for the highest good, even for the person who has declared themself our enemy and is actively seeking to destroy us?

There have been a few saints throughout time who have managed to do just this.  From my faith tradition perspective, the example of Jesus saying on the cross, "Forgive them for they know not what they do" is one such example.  But again, it seems it is mostly a very extraordinary person who is able to accomplish this.

We all want to be loved this way.  My guess is that we would all like to know that someone out there loves us for exactly who we are, with our flaws, errors, mistakes, inconsistencies, hypocrisies - all of it, no matter what.

But I have come to believe at ever deeper levels that we create the world we live in.  If we want to be loved like this, we have to start by loving others like this.  If we want to experience unconditional love, we have to be willing to offer it even to those we "hate".  If we want the world to be a place where people care about each other, even when they are hurt, and can see and work towards the good of the other, even when the other hurts us, then we need to offer that kind of love and care to others.

I think I will continue to think of Snape and the kind of love he offered in the midst of his pain. While it did not appear to come back to him during his life time, Harry did get it eventually, as evidenced by the naming of his son after Snape.  Sometimes when we offer this kind of love it won't be rewarded right away or even during our lifetimes.  But we have to start somewhere.  I want to create a world of love for my kids.  That has to start by working harder to love, unconditionally, even the unlovable. And even those who would hate me.

Wonderful Quotes

I've seen some really wonderful one liners on facebook lately.  I can't give them all the attention they deserve, but I wanted to pass on a few that I've seen recently that have caused me to pause and think..