I posted about a month ago in my article entitled "Value, Worth, Esteem" that I've been in a period of time where my own sense of self has felt more solid. I've been in a time of greater confidence, less self-attack, less struggle with esteem. I wrote in that essay that I thought the primary reason for this change within me had to do with the way I'm choosing to see other people, viewing others with less judgment and more compassion, and that I felt the decision to see others with eyes of love was affecting how I saw myself as well. I also stated that a secondary cause of this change might be that I am more carefully choosing who I associate with: I am no longer seeking out people as companions who make me feel small, less worthy, less valuable. I have been choosing my friends and companions better, and have surrounded myself with people who see me, value me, and treat me with respect rather than disdain. They treat me as equals, not superiors or inferiors, and that has been both affirming and grounding.
This grounding, this re-centering has also allowed me to make some choices. I've thought more about who it is I want to be in the world, and I've been able to step into that with more courage, strength and compassion. I choose to be a person of reconciliation. I choose to be a person of courage. I choose to be a person who is kind. These decisions about who I want to be and who I choose to be have allowed me to step into some actions and behaviors with a strength that I have not previously had. They have also allowed me to feel good about my actions and my choices, regardless of how those actions and choices have been met in the world. One example: as a person who is choosing to be a reconciler, I have stepped out and reached out to several people with whom there had been a breach. In one of those cases I was basically blown off. But what is interesting to me was that it was okay with me. I was clear that who I wanted to be in the world was someone who reached towards reconciliation. This is who I choose to be. The response of the other is up to the other, and is, frankly, about the other. I feel very clear about that. I understood that the other person would have to choose what was best for them. And that I knew I would be fine regardless of their response, as indeed, I have been.
But all of that is leading up to the place I am today. Today has been a different week. I have been thrown back into spending significant time with people who do not value me in the same way, who certainly don't see me. I have been spending time with those who do not know me as well, but who have specific ideas of who I am in the world and who judge me as "other," and (more importantly) as "less". And what has surprised me is how easily I, too, then stepped back into that place of being the person struggling to be grounded, struggling for esteem, struggling to be accepted and acceptable.
I share this, but not from a place of wanting sympathy or pity or even compassion around this. Because there is a difference this time. This time I see it for what it is. This time I am aware of it happening and I'm aware of the effect of it on my self-esteem. I am watching it happen, and I'm choosing to stay with it for a short time, to see if I can reclaim who I am, even as I stand amidst those who do not see it and do not value it. Next week is a different week and I will be in a different place again. But for now, I am watching, observing, learning, and doing the things that I know help me to stay grounded in its midst. I'm breathing. I'm walking. I'm contacting those who do know me and love me. I'm taking care of me, even as I struggle to remember who that is at times. All of this is a gift of learning, a gift of faith that what life hands me is an opportunity to grow, and an invitation to go deeper.
Thank you for your "listening" ears as well. I am grateful.
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