When we were in Scotland for the first time (5 years ago), one of the bus drivers said to all of us that he could tell if another driver was from Scotland or not because the Scottish drivers always greeted each other with a wave of the hand, whereas people from other countries, and the US in particular did not. At the time he said this, I remember thinking that it really depended on which parts of the world and even of the country we were discussing. My own experience had been that hiking or walking, in particular, always met with friendly encounters from other people; that if I smiled at someone as I passed, this was almost always met with a returning smile or even a "hello."
But I think this is changing, and not for the better. The last time I went for a hike and I smiled and said "hello" as I passed someone, the young woman just stared at me like I was from outer space. I found this very disconcerting.
Then this weekend Eldest and I went to a Halloween party for Monterey Bay Aquarium members. Everyone was dressed in costume, everyone who went had to be an aquarium member. But still, as I walked by others dressed in their costumes and would say things like "Oh, I love your costume!" I would usually get those same glass-eyed stares.
At first, I wondered if this was because I'm now a middle aged woman and we tend to disappear. Books, articles, studies all talk about the fact that middle aged women are just not seen. Doctors don't listen to us, store clerks won't engage us (as I shared in another article), and people in public no longer actually LOOK at us. But Eldest was with me. And Eldest experienced the same thing I did. Eldest is a beautiful young person, so that was not it. And Eldest encouraged me to watch and see how the groups at the aquarium interacted with each other. Were any of them friendly to the other aquarium members who were attending the party? Did any of the other families or groups choose to greet, smile, or acknowledge one another? And the answer was a very sad, "No."
For fear of sounding like one of those crotchety old people who complain that everything was better "back in my day," let me just say that I can understand where this behavior has come from. We've taught our kids stranger-danger (though statistics say it is usually people the children know who do the most harm), so is it any wonder they've now grown up to be people who do not interact with strangers? We have learned to isolate ourselves in our electronic devices, only "meeting" new people in virtual ways, so is it any surprise that we no longer remember how to meet or greet or talk to potential new connections and friends in person? Add to that that in this moment in time, the polarization in our country and the discomfort talking to anyone from "the other side" politically makes it difficult for many to feel they want to risk a conversation with someone who may not be on the same page.
Nonetheless, I feel we have lost something vital. I felt very sad that my attempts to compliment or connect with others at the aquarium were met with distance and even fear. While dressing up, seeing the fish and being with Eldest was great fun in itself, for me, Halloween has always been a time to connect with others, to be a parade of costumes and celebration as a community. And, as I often say, how can we hope to heal our country without actually talking to one another and trying to cross those divides?
So where is the hope in this? I continue to believe that we make the world what we want it to be. So I will continue to greet the strangers I see. I will continue to compliment others in their costumes and to delight in those who will smile back. I will not be changed by those who believe it is necessary to be cold to and distant from strangers. I encourage you to do the same. We can make the world a kinder place by expressing the kindness we hope to find in the world.
Happy Halloween!
