Weird Gifts, or Answered Prayer

      I was going through my unposted blog writings yesterday.  I write a lot, but much of it I discard as not appropriate for the public eye, or too personal at times, or easy to misinterpret, or simply unfinished: I never found the time or the words to finish the post so it was never officially posted.  But I sometimes go through the old half-finished posts, and occasionally I will find a writing that I want to revisit, edit, finish or rewrite into something that I can post.  

     Yesterday I found something I wrote in 2017: "I'm really missing my lectionary group in Cleveland these last few months.  I miss their friendship, their camaraderie, their support, their wisdom, their commitment to action, their faithfulness and their steadfast presence in my life.  The group size changed while I was there as life circumstances moved some away and brought others in, but we were a solid 12 most of the six and a half years I was in Cleveland.  We met every week to study scripture, to offer each other support and care, to share food and to pray together.  We were a house church in the truest sense of that word: a small community of folk studying, working, praying and eating together: boosting each other up for the work we would do in our churches and in the world. I miss that. I think we are called to have that kind of supportive 'house church' kind of small community. It has been difficult to create something like that among my pastor colleagues here (I probably shouldn't say this, but Bay Areans tend to get much of our self-worth from being busy and needed, which means taking the time to be with people, to slow down and simply study scripture and pray together weekly is hard to make happen).  But this makes me very aware of the real gift that it was for me, and that it continues to be, for those who are a part of it."

      I found that writing.  And it was weird for me because I realized that that was a prayer, a request, an ask of God and the universe.  It was a need, not just a want, to have that kind of community.  And while God's timing is never my own, it was a prayer that was, in fact, answered.  And it wasn't answered by a substitute, it was answered by the real thing.  What I mean is that when the pandemic started and everyone moved their normal meetings to Zoom, my lectionary group in Cleveland moved their meetings to Zoom also and then invited those of us who had moved away to rejoin them.  I joined back right away and have been faithful in meeting with them weekly, even though their 9:30am Eastern meeting time means I have needed to be up, dressed, showered and ready by 6:30am Pacific time every Tuesday morning.

      I have said on many occasions that re-meeting with my lectionary group has been the greatest of the pandemic gifts for me.  I want to be clear: I am NOT saying the pandemic is a good thing.  What I am saying is that there are gifts to be found in every crisis, in every difficulty.  And for me, this ability to be part of this group again was the best of the gifts I received during this time.  And even though other groups have started to re-meet in person, our lectionary group has continued to meet through Zoom, which means I am still able to delight in this gift that has been so valuable to me.  

      I want to acknowledge that I recognize there are losses (for them, but also for me) in meeting like this.  The "eating together" part of the group no longer happens as we meet on Zoom.  Side one-on-one conversations really can't happen in the Zoom format, which means that the individual connections and closenesses maybe aren't as strong.  I miss those things too, as I'm sure they do.  I used to meet more one-on-one with a few of the folk in addition to the weekly group and we don't do that anymore.  But the gifts in weekly community, weekly "church" for me, weekly connection to other pastors, weekly study, weekly prayer in this way: those gifts just can't be underestimated or understated.  Seeing my old writing, my old lament, reminded me again of just what an amazing gift, not one I can ever take for granted, this has been.  

        It also called me to look again at some of the other prayers that have been answered, sometimes without my acknowledgement or even awareness.  I've shared this story before, but to say again: my uncle was angry at me (over a misunderstanding that I could not correct) for years.  I had tried to reconcile it without luck.  But I continued to pray, constantly, for that relationship to heal.  I prayed for ten years.  Out of the blue, almost 10 years after that rift had taken place, he decided to let it go and we were able to reconcile.  That happened just two months before he died, unexpectedly, of a heart attack.  That was an answer to prayer for which I will always be incredibly grateful.  

    The ability to take on this job at Clayton Valley, at exactly the point in time when my kids were each graduating from a different school, to move back home, to be present for my parents as my mom's health needs escalated, and to start my work here: that too was an incredible answer to prayer.

    I could go on and on with examples, but there is a point I'm wanting to make here.  I lifted up my lament about my lectionary group in 2017.  That was answered in 2020.  I lifted up prayers about my uncle for about 10 years before that reconciliation happened.  My journey to Clayton Valley was also long: certainly longer than I had planned.  As I've said before, God's timing is not my timing. 

     I currently have a hand-full of desperate prayers on the table.  And I can become frustrated, scared, sad when I am not seeing an answer to those prayers.  But my job, as always, is to keep lifting them up:  to do what is in front of me to be done: to do my part, what I can do.  Sometimes prayers are answered with ideas about what else we can do to move forward.  So it is also my part to listen.  To listen for movement, for wisdom, for guidance.  And finally, it is my part to trust and to wait.  Because the big prayers, the really important ones all have been answered.  That is my history, that is my experience.  I have to trust that the God who has made my life good and strong and healthy to this point will be the God who will answer my prayers when the time is right, a time rarely to be recognized or determined by me.  

    The reminders of the gifts I have received, the prayers that have been answered, the many wondrous experiences, connections, reconciliations, and healings that have come - those reminders, those memories are empowering and are the foundation on which I must stand with patience for the journey.  For sometimes the journey is long and the wait feels eternal.  But I can look back and remember that in the scheme of things, the wait has also had lessons within it.  And the journey has also been deeply valuable and full of experiences, learnings, and other gifts.    

    Hang in there, my friends.  And keep your eyes open to seeing God in this place, in this time.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Psalm 89:1-4

Mark 5:1-20

            In today’s gospel reading I am struck with the reality that one person’s hopes, dreams, and wishes are sometimes in conflict with what others wish for, hope and dream.  In today’s story, Jesus listens and responds to four different parties’ wishes:  the man with the demons, the demons themselves, those who tended the swine, and the people of the region who then begged Jesus to leave.  And Jesus attended to each of those (again, even the demons – a point that is well worth thinking about) at each step of the way.  For example, he responds to the man with the demons by sending them out, but the demons request being sent into the pigs.  So, he sends the demons into the pigs, but this obviously upsets the people whose job it is to tend the pigs, so then a further request is made for him to leave town, which he also does.  The man is cured, but the pigs are harmed.  The pigs go into the water, which then threatens the livelihoods of those who tend the pigs.  And eventually, Jesus is sent away out of fear because of his power.  Each request leads to a consequence, which leads to another request, and Jesus attends to them all.  Still, in the end, the man is cured, healing has happened, a miracle has occurred, and that which was really needed has come about.

            This story makes it very clear, though: sometimes the things we want may seem to be best for us, but aren’t best for others, or even for ourselves necessarily. 

            In the movie Bruce Almighty, Bruce is given the opportunity to play God or be God for awhile.  And when he hears the huge or “ginormous” (as my kids would say) numbers of prayers coming his way constantly, he feels completely overwhelmed at first.  But one of the complaints that led to God giving Bruce a try at being God was that Bruce felt God didn’t respond well to prayers, didn’t respond to people’s needs and wants.  So Bruce felt it was important to do things differently than God had, and he decided that the easiest way and best way to attend to everyone’s prayers and wishes was just to say “yes” to them all.  Can you imagine the results that followed?  The chaos that ensued was outrageous, though my guess is that the destruction depicted was not nearly as much as it would have been in real life.  For example, many, many people prayed to win the lottery.  They all did, which meant that each person only won a few cents.  This was followed by riots and rebellion.  Bruce had also pulled the moon closer to the earth and this caused all sorts of weather problems, which caused power failures and other issues.  Some people praying for one thing contradicted others praying for opposing wishes and the result was a complete mess.  Confusion, destruction, outrage –chaos.

            I am also reminded of Mark Twain’s story “The War Prayer”.  The story takes place in a church during a time of war.  And the pastor is praying for their side to win the war.  Mark Twain says it like this:  “The burden of (the prayer’s) supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory…” He then ends the prayer with “Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord and God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!”  But as he is saying this prayer, an old and disheveled stranger walks to the front of the room, nudges the pastor aside and Mark Twain continues the story in this way: The stranger said: “I come from the Throne — bearing a message from Almighty God!” The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. “He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import — that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of — except he pause and think.  God’s servant and yours has prayed his prayer.  Has he paused and taken thought?  Is it one prayer?  No, it is two — one uttered, and the other not.  Both have reached the ear of Him who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken.  Ponder this — keep it in mind.  If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon your neighbor at the same time.  If you pray for the blessing of rain on your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse on some neighbor’s crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.”  The stranger goes on to describe the reality that when we pray for victory for our own, we are praying for destruction of the other.  When we pray that our soldiers might fight and win with strength and might, we are praying that others might die and be destroyed in horrible ways.  When we pray to win, we are praying for others to lose.  When we pray to come out on top, we are praying that others might fail.  It is a short story and it is well worth reflecting on.  But the point is not about war prayers.  The point is much bigger than that. 

            Do we think about all the ramifications of our prayers?  Do we think about our neighbors when we pray – ALL of our neighbors when we pray?  I shared with you before the story of the televangelist who, during a hurricane about 20 years ago, took a group of folk down to the coast to prove the power of prayer.  These few people stood on the beach and prayed that the storm would not hit them.  The storm did, in fact, avoid them, but instead it hit a town full of people who were injured or killed.  Those who travelled to the coast proved that their prayers were answered.  At what cost did they pray them?  The people who stood on the shore to pray did not live there.  They flew there to show the power of prayer.  If, in fact, those prayers were the reason the storm went north and hit the town instead, was their proving that prayer worked worth the cost to all of those injured people, families who lost loved ones and people who incurred great property damage? 

            I need to say here that I don’t really believe that God cares so little for the consequences of our prayers that God only pays attention to what we say and not what others need or what is best for everyone.  Even in today’s story, the man with the demons was not asking Jesus to help him but Jesus chose to do it anyway.  I think God is wiser and more loving than to simply answer prayers regardless of consequences.  None the less, none the less, I think that we are called to think through our prayers, to think through the consequences of those requests, to have a bigger vision for the needs of the community, of the world, of our neighbors, and indeed for our enemies as well.  We are called to do that as part of our loving our neighbors as ourselves.  We are called to do that to help us to have a bigger vision of what others needs.  We are called to do that so that we may grow in compassion and love and deepen in our relationships with God.  And we are called to consider our prayers seriously, since unforeseen and negative consequences to others impact us as well.  We are also called to think through our requests in prayers because sometimes we, too, reap negative consequences of the things we wish for, hence the saying, “be careful what you wish for.”  We know from personal experience that sometimes the very things we want turn out not to be best for us.  Can you think of a time when you got what you wanted, only to discover it came with a great cost? 

            In the movie  Grumpy Old Men, the Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau characters have been at each other ever since they were young men because they had both fallen in love with the same woman.  Jack Lemmon’s character won that particular battle, but ended up with a wife who was unfaithful and whom he eventually divorced.  Walter Matthau’s character could never forgive him, though in losing his wish for Meg, he ended up with a wonderful and very faithful wife instead.  And this story, while shown in the movie as a story, is too real.  It is real in the sense that many people have shared with me stories of heartbreaks in which they prayed fervently for a loved one to continue to stay with them, only to find someone who was so much better a partner for them, someone they never would have found if their original prayers had been answered.

            So where does this leave us?  Does it leave us afraid to pray for what we want?  Does it leave us trapped in the saying “be careful what you wish for” and therefore afraid to wish for anything?  No.  We are still called to be open and honest with God, to talk to God about our feelings and hopes, our fears and our heartbreaks.  But I do think we are encouraged to stay aware, even as we share our deepest desires, that God knows better than we do what is best for us, what is best for others, what is best for the world.  I think we are encouraged to listen for God’s guidance and leading in our prayers and strive to pray for those things God calls us to pray for.  And I always believe that ending our prayers with “yet not my will but yours be done” after we have had open and honest conversation is a good practice.  After all, Jesus modeled this for us in the garden of Gethsemane, as he first shared his hope that he might not have to die – honestly sharing feelings, and then ended his prayer with “yet not my will but yours be done.” 

            In today’s story, each request had consequences that led to further requests.  But the good news is that God listens every time to those further requests.  God does care about what we want, what we ask for, and what we need, even when those are different things.  God listens to us, God responds to us, and God strives always to give us that which will bring the most healing and the most wholeness for everyone.  Amen.