A Different Understanding of Divorce

      I've been in the presence of a number of couples recently who have celebrated big milestones in their marriages: 20 years, 40 years, 50 years, 60 years, and one couple 70 years!  That absolutely is something to celebrate.  It is an amazing accomplishment and worth recognizing.
      However, the other side of this coin is that we talk about divorce as "failure".  We failed to fix our relationship, we failed to stick it out, we made mistakes, sometimes even in the choosing of our partners in the first place, we married wrong, we don't know how to commit, etc, etc.  Maybe for some people this is true.  But more and more, I am seeing that this is, more often that not, a misunderstanding of many (most?) divorces.  Relationships change and people change.  That doesn't mean it was a mistake to pick your partner.  It means that what was once a good choice is no longer a good choice.  There is good in growth, there is good in change, much of the time.  But sometimes that growth, that change, means that you are no longer the best partner for the other, or that they are no longer the best partner for you.  It takes courage and strength to imagine your life other than what it is, to step into something else, to make a decision that changes everything that you are, have been and will be, not only for yourself but for children, often. It also sometimes involves needing to rework one's image of oneself.  No one enters marriage expecting to go through a divorce.  Having to adjust what we believed ourselves to be is hard.  Not that any part of divorce is easy.  It is expensive in terms of finances, but also emotionally, spiritually and in other ways.  It therefore is not an easy choice to make.  Those who choose to walk through the fires of divorce are daring to see beyond that pain to a new and different future. Do some people make this decision selfishly? I'm sure there are a few. But for most of us, for the divorced folk I know, awareness of the childrens' needs, of the impact on so many others was an extremely important part of the decision to divorce.
         It isn't a failure to recognize when something is no longer bringing life but is creating more pain and despair.  It isn't a failing to recognize when something is done, ended, or when something needs to radically change to be best for everyone involved.  It isn't a failing to choose life in a situation that is full of death, loss, and brokenness.  Sometimes even when relationships are difficult they can be healed.  But it can be wisdom to recognize when something is beyond healing, or when that healing has to look like the relationship being different than it was.  Sometimes it is dangerous - dangerous for one physically, emotionally, or spiritually, to stay in a specific marriage, and sometimes it is dangerous to choose to leave as well.  In those cases especially, the courage to say, "I can't stay.  This must change" should be honored and respected rather than criticized as a "failing".
        Perhaps it is not unreasonable to suggest that, for some, instead of a divorce anniversary being a day of sadness and shame, that it be a day of celebration, when a person found the strength to step into something new, to dream of a different possibility, to open themselves to a new phase of their journey.
      Should we continue to celebrate long marriages?  Of course.  But it is not a bad thing to celebrate new beginnings, in the form of endings, either.

Raising Kids Alone, Part II

On October 2, 2015 I wrote about being a solo parent from the perspective of recognizing that it really does take a village to raise a child and that we are all called to be part of that.  I shared the struggles, the challenges, of trying to raise kids alone.

But I found myself today reflecting on this in a different way, from the perspective of the gifts that I experience in being a solo parent, as well as being the solo head of house.

I have found that my children are much closer to me than they were before.  The downside of this is that I worry they have not done the "growing up and away" that kids are supposed to do, or at least not as early or as fully as other kids.  But while I have a bit of concern about that, I also really enjoy the closeness I share with my kids. They talk to me.  I know not every parent experiences that from their kids.  They share with me their fears, their hopes, their dreams and their frustrations.  They ask for one on one time with me and we value that time together, both individually and as a family.  We are close in a way that I see only shared by other solo parents with their kids.

Secondly, I get to make the kid and parenting decisions on my own.  There is no debating, the decisions are mine to make. I shared the downside of this before which is that I know I sometimes make mistakes with those decisions, or I don't always choose what is ultimately best for my kids (though I try hard to do so). None the less, there are times when it is simply easier to not have to make every decision about the kids with someone else.

Thirdly, while I have had to learn some things I never really wanted to learn, on the other hand, I've learned many things that I now value knowing.  Even more, I've learned how to DO things that I never expected I would learn how to do.  I had no desire to learn how to mow a lawn, but I know how to do that now.  I had no desire to learn how to fix basic household things, or how to hang outdoor Christmas tree lights, or how to change the furnace filter, but I know how to do these things now.  I know many women learn these things without becoming single moms.  And because I believe in equality, it embarrasses me at some level how traditionally our roles ended up being divided in some ways. But they did. Not anymore.  And finally, I never thought I would learn how to do this:

     Cutting hair and shaving heads (sometimes he chooses to have a shaved head) just never made the list of things I expected to learn how to do.  But I do it now for my son on a semi-regular basis.  (As an aside, my son's crabby face is not because he doesn't like having his hair cut.  He didn't like that his sister was watching. (sigh).)

       Yes, being a single parent is tiring at times.  I can become overwhelmed when everyone has immediate needs at the exact same moment.  But there are huge gifts as well.  And for today, I am grateful for the life I am leading this day.