Yesterday when Aislynn came home from school, I saw that she was wearing makeup. She doesn't usually, so it surprised me. I said, “you are wearing makeup.” And she became defensive about it, saying she hadn’t been feeling confident that morning and thought it might help. I told her there was no reason for her to feel defensive as I had no judgment about it. And I truly didn't! I wore makeup in high school, and I occasionally wear it now. But she did not believe me. And as I thought about the fact that she is often very private with me, often does not choose to share what she is thinking and feeling, I had the revelation that she is not sharing with me because she believes I will judge her. “I don’t judge you, Aislynn,” I said. “I think you are absolutely brilliant, creative, interesting, dedicated, hardworking, artistically gifted, hilarious (when you choose to be), and I adore you! I don’t judge you.”
Her response was, “Yes,
you do. You judge everyone. When you talk about other people, it’s always judgment.”
I was stunned. I’ve often wondered if I share too much with the kids. For the longest time, I was very careful about what I shared with them. After all, it is not their job to take care of me, and I've always been very clear about that. But after a conversation with a friend about this, I had started to think differently. My friend had shared that she felt it was important for our kids to hear our struggles as it taught them to step out of themselves. It gave them practice in listening to other people, and in being compassionate and empathetic to what others experience. Also, two of my three kids are now "adults" at least in the sense that they are over 18. My middle child frequently asks me what is going on with me, and when I don't have much to share, he pushes me on it. He seems to genuinely want to know what is happening in my life, what I'm feeling and thinking. So, especially with the older two, I have started to share more. But Aislynn sometimes hears these conversations, just as she often hears the conversations I have with David. And while I have never seen or experienced myself as a judgmental person, I realized as I’ve thought about this that I am much quicker to share my frustrations or hurts at the hands of others, and slower to share the amazing good I see and experience at the hands of others. That needs to change.
At first my reaction was "I will need to be more careful about what I share with the kids." I envisioned myself "going quiet" in terms of my own personal struggles. But I think that will not correct the mistake. Instead, I think I need to be much more intentional about sharing the positive of people, the good I experience and see, than the negative. This will not be a bad change. I think about gratitude practices, and the spiritual and psychological disciplines of remembering each day what good has happened and what good has been experienced. There is great power in these practices. They help with depression, they help with healing. As far as I can see there is no downside to sharing the good rather than the negative. But focusing on the good, reporting the good, remembering to share where people have been kind and unexpectedly thoughtful: these are practices that will require a change in me. The mirror that Aislynn held up to me yesterday hurt. But that mirror is an opportunity to grow. One that I will accept as a challenge in my moving forward.
