Those of you who came to my wedding saw this... I forgot my bouquet (which a dear friend had made for me), so after going half way down the aisle in a non-traditional "processional" group of clergy, myself, David and the kids, I turned around and ran back out of the sanctuary to grab the flowers. David ran after me; and we both came back in together, arm in arm, laughing, as those attending the service joined us in laughter, cheering and celebrating. That began the wedding. And that "mistake" set the stage for a ceremony with a lot more laughter, joy, a mess of "real" as we moved around and tried to figure out what we were doing, where we were going, when we were to sit and stand, etc. People have said to me it was the "funnest" wedding they've ever been to... probably because there was very little solemnity in it. Of course our vows were serious... we both cried (and laughed) and told stories that were meaningful to us in terms of defining who we are together, how we came together, what it means for two extremely different people from different backgrounds and different value systems to partner in this way. But it wasn't a "traditional" wedding. For one thing, we refused to take ourselves very seriously. And the result was, at least for the two of us, better than we had hoped for.
I think about this in terms of the bigger picture as well. Again, using our relationship as an example: our meeting was odd, was rough. David invited me into conversation and I hesitated. What I knew about him (very little) already showed us to be so different from one another that I wasn't sure I wanted to even talk with him. But, due to a set of circumstances that basically meant I had nothing else to do in that moment, I joined him in conversation. And by the end of an hour, an HOUR, we were "involved". Again, a lot of that had to do with laughter... laughing at ourselves, laughing at our "mistakes" (I spilled mocha all over myself and David says that's when he knew I was the one for him), just being real in a culture that often values the superficial and appearances over what is inside. Our mistakes, our flaws (I'm perpetually a bit clumsy with drinks), and even our differences set the stage for something deep, valuable, wonderful.
It didn't stop there. The first time we had a serious value conflict was only about a week after we'd met. The subject of that conflict is immaterial. What matters is that it was a big enough and important enough difference that for me, at least, I figured that was the end of it. Why bother to invest more when some basic core values seemed to be in such conflict? But it was actually because of the way David handled that conflict that we didn't end the short beginning but continued to stay engaged with one another. David was unfailingly kind, even when confronted with such a radical difference of understanding. He never became righteous, never insisted that his view was better or right, never became mean or sarcastic or catty. He never attacked, just listened and asked me what I wanted to do in terms of moving forward. He expressed care, and sadness about the conflict, but never in a blaming way. He was respectful, understanding, and only wanted to know what I needed in that situation. My response was one of "well, this person is really good friend quality at least. So we can start there and see..." Our conflict, or issue, or even "mistake" in having that conversation so early on actually led to a deeper respect on my part for the person that David is.
When I facilitate couples counseling for those who come to me wanting to be married, one of the most important questions I always ask is how the couple navigates conflict. And the only couple I ever chose not to marry was the one who told me they'd never had conflict. If you don't know how your partner will deal with problems when they arise, you are missing really key information that you need to know before you step into a full blown commitment to them. Also, the only way a couple can completely avoid conflict is by staying at such a shallow level with their partner that differences are never seen. That's not a basis for a long term relationship. Conflict is a gift that can deepen relationships if handled well, that helps us to see under values and beliefs and world views and into who the other really is at their core. Mistakes, or errors that we make in our lives or in our relationships: these are opportunities to grow, learn and understand each other more fully. If we can laugh at ourselves, if we can learn from mistakes, if we can let go of defensiveness and instead embrace the fullness of our humanity when we make mistakes, those mistakes can be launching places into depth, honesty and integrity.
There is a story about a pastor who forgot to turn off his lapel mic when he went to the bathroom. While his "business" was being broadcast to the entire congregation, he also cursed under his breath about the "damn women's guild". When he discovered the mistake, he righteously and in a huff quit his job. But the story ends with the wisdom that if he had been able to laugh at his own mistake with the congregation, admit his own frustration and need to just vent a little under his breath, if he'd been able to make a joke out of the fact that even pastors have to use the facilities once in a while and it isn't any more glamorous for them than for the rest of us, the relationship he had with his congregation might have deepened as they recognized his humanity, even as he pastored them, and as he claimed a bit of humility. But because he was not able to get past his own humiliation, relationships were torn in a way that made healing for all parties very difficult.
Today I am deeply grateful for the "mess" that we are, and for the opportunities to grow, learn and deepen from our mistakes. Thank you all for being witnesses to my mess and loving me through it anyway. I offer you the same gift. Be real, and let us love you through it all!
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